An Oral History of the Glass That Cut Up Jordan Hall's Foot

By The Glass That ... on April 1, 2013 at 3:00 pm
Fee-hee-liiinn like a crim-in-uuuhh-uhhllDon't ask.

Boy, what a crazy year this was, huh? I've had my ups and downs, but honestly I wouldn't have changed it for anything. Especially the part about being the shard of glass that cut Jordan Hall's foot. That part was great.

I know, I know. I'm wading into a tough crowd here. But I come bearing gifts!

You see, ESPN is putting together a 30 for 30 on the incident – as it turns out, I've led quite the life since sending Jordan to the ER – and the fine folks at Eleven Warriors have been kind enough to allow me to run an excerpt.

For your reading pleasure today, I present the pivotal scene in the upcoming ESPN 30 for 30 production "An Oral History of the Glass That Cut Up Jordan Hall's Foot." Enjoy!

Previous scene: The Glass That Cut Up Jordan Hall's Foot was birthed from a discarded Dos Equis bottle, thrown on the ground in a fit of daytime television-induced rage.

The Glass That Cut Up Jordan Hall's Foot: You know, some pieces of glass just lie there next to a dumpster, hoping that some dumb retiree in flip flops isn't paying attention or that a toddler mistakes them for candy. Well not me! Not the Glass That Cut Up Jordan Hall's Foot! I crave action, and boy did I get it.

The Glass That Cut Up Jordan Hall's Foot lay silently in wait for three weeks in prime dog pooping real estate.

The Glass That Cut Up Jordan Hall's Foot: That month was hell. More than a few times I thought about giving up, maybe trying to reflect some light and get someone to properly dispose of me. But my friends convinced me not to give up.

John "Cougar" Mellencamp: A lot of people don't know the true meaning of "Rain on the Scarecrow," but maybe they would if they knew the original lyrics were (singing softly) "Glass in the tall grass/ blood on his foot/ that bottle quenched a dudebro/ that bottle hit the ground/ and Urban I'm sorry there's no Hall for you now."

The Glass That Cut Up Jordan Hall's Foot: God bless that man.

Eventually, Jordan Hall's roommate's dog had to poop.

Jordan Hall's Roommate's Dog: *bark bark* (I gotta poop!)

The Glass That Cut Up Jordan Hall's Foot: Did you see that movie "Lincoln?" Some people are made for the times that they're born into, I think. When you're born, your goals are simple. "Oh, maybe I'll be part of a mason jar. It'd be cool if I got recycled and put into some kind of homemade stained glass butterfly sanctuary or whatever." But the lucky of us realize our maximum potential, our true natures. And me, well, that was to be the glass that cut up Jordan Hall's foot. Does that make me a bad guy? (small smile, followed by a shrug) Yeah, I guess. But I never said I was a role model.

Jordan Hall dutifully took his roommate's dog outside to do its business and, business completed, Hall reached into his pocket, pulled out a small plastic bag (which could not be reached for comment) and took a fateful step toward the dog doo.

Jordan Hall: OW MY FOOT!

Last I heard, the doc will drop in September, so be sure to check it out! It explores the aftermath of the incident that made me a media darling, including my arrest for trying to defect to North Korea, subsequent stint as guest host of The Tonight Show, and whirlwind romance with Taylor Swift.

View 8 Comments