Welcome to the Fatpants Monday Assorted Matters Article. In an effort to whittle the offseason away I will be sharing some of my odd random knowledge on a weekly basis.
Pay attention, some of these may save your life. I’ll be doing this until I get bored/too busy/run out of things to talk about.
How not to get mauled by a bear
Ok, so let’s pretend that rather than go to the beach for your summer vacation with all the other old folks and sunburned portly fellows, you decide you’re going to go see the mountains and you buy yourself a ticket out West and make arrangements to visit one of our wonderful National Parks in the Rocky Mountains.
While you’re there you realize that there’s so much more to see away from the roads so you fill up the ol’ canteen and set off on a hike. All is well, you’re making good time and seeing some good sights when all of a sudden:
WHOA!!!!! What do you do?!?!?!?!
First and foremost, don’t run. You take off running and you’ll trigger some response in that bear to chase you, and bears are crazy fast. Bears are faster than Usain Bolt on his normal PED regimen. Take notice of what the bear is doing. If he hasn’t noticed you, slowly, calmly, quietly leave the area. If he has noticed you and you have other people with you, group up. You look more formidable as a pack. Just take it easy, face toward the bear and calmly talk to it. He’s probably just checking you out to figure out what you are. This is normally the point where the bear figures out what you are and saunters off. If the bear starts huffing and jawing and slapping the ground, you better get your bear spray ready. Why bear spray and not your favorite hand cannon? The US Fish and Wildlife service did a study and you’re twice as likely to be injured by a bear when defending yourself with a gun as opposed to bear spray.
Anyhow, you’ve got your bear spray at the ready (with the safety off) and the bear starts charging. Stand your ground and fire off a blast of the stuff into the bear’s path. The key here isn’t to let the bear get close enough to get it right in the eyes, but rather to make a cloud that the bear is going to run into. This should make the bear think twice and do a swift 180.
If all this fails, stand your ground. Most charges are bluff charges and he’ll veer off. You may require a change of pants but it’s better than getting chewed on. If he does make contact, fall face-down and bring your arms up to shield your head and neck and don’t move. If he thinks he’s neutralized the threat he’ll probably leave you alone, however, if he keeps chewing you’ve had the misfortune of encountering a predatory bear. Fight back with everything you’ve got, he’s trying to eat you.
PSA- Try to always hike in groups of three or more when in bear country and make noise, and for the sake of everyone else within earshot leave the infernal bear bell in the car. Sing. Talk. Anything but the bell.
Questions?
