Friday Skull Session

To whom must I speak with to eliminate music not produced by The Best Damn Band in the Land during games in Ohio Stadium? I attended the US-Mexico banger on Tuesday (¡DOS A CERO! ¡SHOULDA BEEN TRES A CERO!) and my gosh what an environment.

Ohio Stadium is already one of the most intimidating venues in college football, but what if we could replace the sixty thousandth rendition of Seven Nation Army with specific cheers for the team and its players? Or songs taunting the opposition? Or — and I'm just spitballing here — giant tifos? (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, BLOCK O.) 

The flares, smoke bombs, general hooliganism and the selling of beer might be pushing the envelope a bit too far, but we can start with baby steps. Or we can play Seven Nation Army again. 

MEYER "OPTIMISTIC" MILLER WILL PLAY SATURDAY. Gosh, this really makes me nervous. Braxton Miller is Ohio State's Ferrari, and if he ain't 100% pearlin', then he should be on the sidelines getting fanned with palm leaves and drinking wine out of a golden chalice.

I'm not one to question Urban Meyer (that's my disclaimer before I question Urban Meyer) but California won't be mistaken for Michigan this year. Let Kenny go out and bring a golden bear pelt back to Columbus! (That's figurative speech there, because I think that might be a federal crime. Please do not arrest me, CIA.)

I think Ohio State could win the Big Ten with Kenny Guiton at the helm, especially once the defense starts firing on all cylinders. Do I think the Buckeyes could win a national title with him at the helm? I plead the fifth, and I mean that as no disrespect to the Smooth Sensation.

If Braxton does play then his knees better be encased in protective diamond, because that's about what they're worth to Ohio State fans. (This could, however, all be a masterful smoke screen by Urban Meyer. That's why he gets paid more in a year than I'll earn in my life.)

EAT TOO BRUTUS TICKETS ARE (ALMOST) GONE. There's an ancient Cherokee saying: "When opportunity knocks, get up and answer the door!" When the Wisconsin rolls into town, do you want to be the guy (or girl) who's stuck at the same tailgate you've been at since 1993? Or do you want to be at the most elite tailgate available in the Central Ohio valley, partying with the likes of City Barbeque and The Best Damn Band in the Land? This is such an easy choice, it isn't a choice at all.

Hundreds of tickets have been sold to Eat Too Brutus, and only about two dozen remain. GET YOURS NOW. Don't let this opportunity pass you by. You. Will. Regret. It. And who likes to live with regret? 

LSU FREEK 4 HEISMAN.

ON THAT TROUBLE IN STILLWATER. Unless you live in a cave or are simply a very casual fan of college football, you've probably heard about Sports Illustrated's exposé into Oklahoma State football, the product of a 10-month long investigation by old friend George Dohrmann and Thayer Evans. SI saw it as so explosive, they dribbled it out in five segments. (I guess because we can't handle the journalistic heat in one dose?)

The accusations (grade fixing, boosters handing over envelopes of cash, weed smoking and women willing to have sex with high-profile athletes) are about as old as college football itself. It also didn't help Yahoo! dropped their own, much weightier investigation smack dab in the middle of SI's roll-out.

Some players quoted have backed away from the story and lashed out at Thayer Evans. (Jason Whitlock bombed on Evans so hard ESPN stepped in and called Whitlock's comments unacceptable.) Some of these players could be backing off now that it's time to pay the public piper, so that's not nearly as damning as what Deadspin unearthed yesterday:

[Former Oklahoma State player Fath'] Carter told SI he had received a degree in education from OSU by returning to enroll after his eligibility expired. ESPN has already confirmed that OSU's registrar's office has no record of Carter earning a degree. Carter also told SI he had been steered by an advisor into majoring in sociology while he still had athletic eligibility, the implication being that majoring in sociology was something of a joke.

But according to Gill, no one from Sports Illustrated bothered to corroborate Carter's claim by running it past anyone in the sociology department.

"It's either a faulty recollection or outright lying," Gill said. "If anybody would have taken the time to look at the academic record, they would see that it doesn't match what Carter claimed."

My wish for Christmas is that the media will drop being the NCAA's Pinkertons and presenting these stories as some earth-shattering revelations. We get it: COLLEGES BE CHEATING, but they're only cheating according to the NCAA's stupid, archaic and arbitrary rule-book. Unless athletes are taking a page out of Montana State's book and are running interstate cocaine rings or murdering a drug dealer, here is my reaction from now until the Sun explodes: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

OREGON PLAYER TERRIFIED ABOUT PLAYING THE SEC. Oregon is playing Tennessee this weekend. The Volunteers get to wear their dad's bomber jacket and pretend they've done something besides watch the last seven national championship games on their couches. It appears, however, they have Oregon's Jake Fisher shook to his soul through their gang affiliations:

Wow. He is so scared you can almost smell the urine running down his thigh. Does Oregon have a chance against the mighty Vols this weekend? About as much as Frosty the Snowman has in the Seventh Circle of Hell (which, it's not commonly known, is a secondary nickname for Knoxville).

Speaking of the Vols, their defensive tackle Mo Couch, the only active SEC player named in Yahoo!'s report, has been ruled ineligible for the game.

$115,000... FOR A LICENSE PLATE!? What's the most you would pay for an OSU-affiliated license plate, and what would it have to say? I'll give you a minute.

... The correct answer is "nothing" because vanity license plates are stupid. I've never seen a vanity license plate that made me chuckle or want to hang out with the driver. This story out of Texas is no different:

*realizes the attorney not only paid $115,000 for the license plate, but also the national exposure that would come from doing so.* I hate everybody!!!!! *shakes fists at the sky*

THOSE WMDs. A frog with a Messiah complex photobomed a NASA launch... Purdue safety to play Saturday with two broken hands... Lane Kiffin: has any coach ever done less with more?... Youngstown State coach says Brian Kelly and Butch Jones owe bonus checks to Mark Dantonio... How Columbus became the unofficial home of US soccer... Probably the greatest tweet ever... C'Mon Brady, you're making this too easy... Sandy Koufax after perfect gaming the Cubs... Lawsuit calls for Columbus to do away with red light cameras... Columbus man admits to robbing banks in four cities.... Criminals tarnishing investment in Weinland Park... Ohio State commuters with mixed reactions to new parking software... Newark woman faked four year-old's cancer... What life was like for an executioner's family in the 16th century... Gabby Agbonlahor: LEGEND...