A Jilted Lover

By Jeff Beck on August 8, 2012 at 6:00p
45 Comments
CryBabiesThe day Quality Football left Ann Arbor.

Michigan, 

It’s me: Quality Football. I know we haven’t seen much of each other since our break-up in 2007, but I heard a few people saying we were back together so I wanted to set the record straight. 

Despite your numerous attempts to contact me throughout the entire 2011 season, we are NOT an item. Apparently my countless rebuffs were not enough to get the message across, so I’ve taken the liberty of compiling (in chronological order) our texts from all of 2011 to prove it.

Please do not misconstrue this letter. It’s not a veiled attempt to rekindle things in 2012. Much to the contrary, it’s my final effort to get my message across before the season (and your constant messaging) begins anew. You and I have been over for nearly five years. Stop embarrassing yourself.

Jan. 11, 2011

Sept. 10, 2011

Oct. 8, 2011

Oct. 15, 2011 "Next Week"

Oct. 29, 2011

Nov. 5, 2011 (Vs. Iowa)

Nov. 19, 2011

Nov. 26, 2011

Jan. 3, 2012

Jan. 4, 2012

So there you have it. I can’t believe you made me write this, but I couldn’t stand by and keep hearing things like this without acting.

2011 was NOT our make-up year. Stop going around telling people that.

For someone like me to get back with someone like you it’s going to take more than one soft-scheduled season to prove you’ve changed for the better.

Until then consider my number lost,
Quality Football

45 Comments

Comments

B1G 10 Buckeye Stuck in SEC Country's picture

Brady Hoke is FAT..That is all...
Thank you

" Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid." - John Wayne 

BuckeyeVet's picture

HAHAHAHAHA - LOVED IT!

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."          - Groucho Marx

 

LouGroza's picture

That is very good stuff Jeff. Only three games all season not in the state of Michigan is quite a helpful schedule. Also you mentioned not playing Wiscy or PSU. Things could not have been set up better for them. Had they not had a decent season with that scenario it would have been disastrous.

dwismar's picture

Well done, sir.   Made me laugh.

Buckeyejason's picture

That's some good stuff there! Got a few chuckles.

BUCKEYES BABY!

buckeye76BHop's picture

Loved it!  Also the points that couldn't be disputed.  I did the same to my 5 or so tTUN buddies who had to of course contact me via text after the game last year.  And then the Sugar Bowl that neither team belonged in...IMO and yours too I see.  
My favorite text last year from a tTUN buddy was this: See what happens when you don't pay your players.  I retorted with an almost identical text from above: Nice one...try to get a win more than twice in over ten years...we'll be back next year with Urban Meyer as our HC....take it to the bank.  You will not win in the SHOE...NOW WAY!  Go Bucks!...no reply of course;-) 108 days...

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."

"I love football. I think it is most wonderful game in world and I despise to lose."

Woody Hayes 1913 - 1987 

fear_the_nut70's picture

Only a TSUN fan would have the nerve to comment about our issues when they are on probation for practicing too much (during what I think was a four or five win season for them). 
 
This piece made me laugh.  Only other thing that could have been brought up was the obviously terrible call in the game against Va Tech that gifted the game to miss-AGAIN.
 
I have said it on here before and will say it again--they don't understand how college football has changed since they were last good.  Alabama will explain it to them...

Buckeye_Mafia's picture

Every toolbag tsun fan I work with has been talking ish all off-season long and bashing Tressel, Meyer, and the Tat-Five. They are going to get smoked in atleast two games this season. Great article...

Adolphus Washington is half grizzly bear and half dragon | Noah Spence kills quarterbacks, just to watch them die.

M Man's picture

so ur like, oh it is so over & im like what & you keep sending messages & im like i don't care & u keep sending them & im like watever.
kthnxbye

Ken-Yon Rambo's picture

Lol @ the school up north.  They have such cognitive dissonance.

How firm they friendship...

CowCat's picture

This is the spirit of the rivalry:  funny, clever -- not ESPN/SEC/Penn State douchebaggery
Well done.

"We get paid to score touchdowns, not kick field goals"
-- Urban Meyer

Ken-Yon Rambo's picture

AHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Let us all gather and laugh at the school up north.  Three of their most impressive wins:

  1. Dominated by ND, gets lucky
  2. Plays an even game against OSU, gets lucky (yes, lucky - we were playing without Andrew Sweat, Ryan Shazier tore his MCL in the 2nd quarter, and Christian Bryant was also out with injury)
  3. Dominated by VTech, gets lucky.

They are back!!!!!
*Stifles laughter, wipes tears from eyes*
They are going to get smoked by Alabama.  And I have a feeling at the end of the season, the crowd will smell blood, and Urban will run them out of the 'Shoe. 

How firm they friendship...

Seth4Bucks's picture

Great work, well done! This made me smile as I read it.

ShowThemOhiosHere's picture

Ouch.  LMFAO

Class of 2010.

Jeff Beck's picture

Thanks all. It's amazing these text messages haven't surfaced until now.

schooey's picture

Good laugh man! And so true. 

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

It's 7:00 PST - Flounder Hoke is still fat and Michigan still sucks!!!
GO BUCKEYES!!!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

cinserious's picture

Wow! What a crushing dose of reality we ALL needed. You can goo ahead and replace the moniker (quality football) with 'reality check' to all those wolverine idiots so desperate for a victory. And its not not the worst team we fielded in decades but the worst since the 18 hundreds. Like times of muskets and shit.

Life's daily struggle is choosing between saying F--ck-it, or soldiering on with your responsibilities.  

Jdadams01's picture

The worst thing about all the "Michigan is back" talk is that when Alabama smokes them we'll see a) a fresh round of Big Ten mocking from them media and b) Alabama getting a ridiculous bump in love from the media.

Doc's picture

Very funny Jeff.  And 100% true.  I just hope the karma gods don't let them squeak out a victory in our house in Nov.

"Say my name."

ArTbkward's picture

Good work, a break for the usual is always nice.  This made me laugh as much as Ramzy's piece last year where he re-wrote the Office Space interviews.

We should strive to keep thy name, of fair repute and spotless fame...
(Also, I'm not a dude)

Devin1024's picture

It's funny because it's true!

LadyBuck's picture

That was beautiful.

bucktooth's picture

Funny, but woefully inaccurate.  Sure, they didn't play PSU or UW.  But how good were those two anyway?  I mean, our alleged "worst team" beat UW.  PSU beat us, barely escaped Temple, and lost badly to every ranked team they played.  Maybe PSU and UW dodged a bullet there?
 
Bucktoooooth, heeyaw.

Buckeyevstheworld's picture

Depends. Would they be playing Wisconsin at Wisconsin?

"YOLO" = I'm about to do something extremely ignorant/stupid & I need an excuse to do it.

ShowThemOhiosHere's picture

If it were at Michigan - close game, but I'd take Wisconsin.
If it were at Wisconsin - Wisconsin by 3 TDs.
Wisconsin nearly beat us after being down 12 points with 4 minutes to go.  Even so, night games on the road - anything can happen.  Wisconsin did it to us in '10, and we returned the favor in '11.  If our Buckeyes played every game like they did against Wisconsin before they roared back, we're not talking about the 2011 Buckeyes being one of the worst Buckeye teams in decades.
I do agree with the point on PSU, though.

Class of 2010.

Dougger's picture

Perfect.

I like football

pug's picture

Big UM fan. Not trolling, just like to see what's going on in enemy camp. While you say that last year's team was the worst since the 1800's, don't forget that it was still the most talented team in the B1G...by far. They had much more talent on the field than anyone they played last year and managed to lose 7 games. Doesn't matter though, its a new season. Which brings me to a more interesting question. On another thread I saw what everyone was predicting for B Miller this year--he's a great talent, but would you rather have played Bauserman last year and have the season you had or maybe worse (no bowl game), or would you rather Miller had redshirted and had 4 years with Urb?

tennbuckeye19's picture

I would agree with you about OSU being perhaps the most talented IF they had Pryor, Posey, Herron, and Adams for each game. Not to mention the defense was not close to the caliber of recent years. 
Your question on Miller is an interesting one, but considering TP was gone, in my mind they didn't have a choice but to play Miller. I wish they would've played Braxton from the first game on. If Bauserman had started every game, I doubt we even win those 6 games. 

Maestro's picture

No Posey, no Boom for a good part of the season, no Adams for a few games.  There goes the talent advantage.

vacuuming sucks

Pam's picture

Keep in my mind that much of that talent was not on the field for nearly half of the season and for Boom, almost all.
I would rather have had Braxton and the season we had then have him redshirt. He gained invaluably from it and we got to see what an amazing young man and leader he is. If it cost us 7 games, I am more than ok with it. Shit happens, even if it is only once in over 20 years.

NoVA Buckeye's picture

Jim Bollman essentially prevented this team from seeing its full potential.

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

LouGroza's picture

The talent on the field was not the experienced talent. True frosh QB, best WR out, starting RB out, starting LT out. Sure they were there at the end of the season but zero continuity and it showed. 
Edit: Sorry a little late. 

Pam's picture

Wow, did we all post at the same time? 

tennbuckeye19's picture

great minds think alike.

pug's picture

I should have clarified when I said talent. My point is that from a recruiting standpoint, OSU has been dominant in the past several years--especially when compared to the classes RR brought in and all of the attrition that has occurred at UM. I understand that there were some suspensions, but its OSU--4 and 5 stars waiting in the wings. Nobody in the B1G has OSU's talent from top to bottom, whether its experienced or not.

buck-I.8's picture

Agreed, but the key word for last season was stability, of which we had none. We changed #1 running backs, lost key players, including the #1 WR for more games than we previously had known. Our veteran DE missed 12 games, our best young LB battled injury at the end of the season, our OL was horribly inconsistent, and perhaps the most important: A third of the season was played with arguably the worst QB to ever start to Ohio State.

razrback16's picture

Exactly what I've been saying all year. I still find it amusing when Michigan trolls hit some of the messageboards I'm on and talk their team up from 2011. They beat one good team last year in Nebraska. Not a great team, a good team. They didn't win one game against a good opponent on the road and the worst Ohio State squad since 1897, minus a head coach and a competent offensive coordinator put 34 on them in their house.
I even heard Phil Steele call out their schedule on a radio interview a couple weeks ago. I would not be surprised if they open the season 2-2.

pug's picture

Not going to argue that UM played a favorable schedule and struggled on the road. What is important to UM fans is that last year they found a way to win games that they would have lost the 3 previous years. Whether they won by 20 or by 3, those were games that were unwinnable in the RR era. As for getting 34 put on them by OSU--UM scored 40, so that didn't bother me. You have to learn how to win the close games before you can become dominant. They took a big step in doing that last season. Having said that, it wouldn't suprise me to see them have a worse record this season.

buck-I.8's picture

I think we can be almost positive that UM will have a worse record. A team that has to play Bama, OSU, and MSU in a season won't have an easy time to begin with. A team with such uncertainty in the trenches, at WR, and now at RB for who knows how long will have missteps against inferior teams (see: UM-Iowa) I have no doubt it will happen to us too, I think we'll lose to a worse team than us. I predect UM 9-3, OSU 10-2 separated by playing Bama vs not playing Bama.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

This year will be the true test to whether last year was just a fluke or UofM is back on track!  Personally, I hope it is the latter so the Urban beatdown this year will make it all the more sweeter!!! 

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

MAVBuck's picture

Excellent stuff! I literally laughed out loud at work when I seen the blank screen on 10/15!