Friday Skull Session

By Sarah on July 22, 2011 at 6:00a
61 Comments
God, Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout, taking the garbage out is not that hardLife ain't easy for a boy named Sue

That sound you just heard is our glass ceiling shattering, which is really unfortunate, because it now rains into the Dub Cave.  Nevermind about that -- it's worth it. Please welcome Sarah, the first woman to enter 11W space. She's an Ohio State grad with the misfortune of being a current resident of the Mitten State, but we won't hold that against her if you won't.

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Good morning, readers, whether you are a Buckeye, a troll, my mother, or a bored enthusiast of The Walking Dead waiting to enter Ballroom 20 at Comic-Con. In case you were wondering, I was not christened by Shel Silverstein, but am in fact a woman. Unfortunately, at 11W Headquarters there already have been seven instances of sexual harassment...and I have apologized for each one. Disclosure was on HBO a lot when I was a kid. You'd think I would have learned my lesson.

Anyway, I'm super-excited to lead the ovarification of this site.  Prepare yourselves for references to Duchess Kate's sartorial choices1 and debates about where athletes rank on the Jon Hamm Dreaminess Scale. It's time to rock those pink, rhinestone-encrusted jerseys!

Or, similar to most Ohio State fans—male, female, shemale alike—I have a Nick Saban-esque cardboard cutout of myself just in case someone invites me to a wedding on a football Saturday2. We are not gender stereotypes but proud, loyal people of varying levels of passion3. So, unlike the NFLPA and team owners, let's not draw this out any further.

 Whenever the lockout does end, Terrelle Pryor is fine with not being a first-round pick. The former OSU quarterback, who has been training in Miami and in his hometown of Jeannette, PA, believes it doesn't matter where he goes in the supplemental draft. Pryor says he's going to work hard either way, as opposed to all the lazies hoping to win a job in the NFL through the power of Cheeto dust and episodes of Wipeout. Though, if the two-time preseason Big Ten offensive player of the year is not chosen in the first round, his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, just might go all Gus Fring-with-a-box-cutter on people.

Of special note, Pryor agreed to the article only if there were no questions about the circumstances surrounding his exit from Ohio State. If anyone4 is still praying he'll turn state's witness, he or she is probably out of luck. 

 Like Pryor's college career, the preseason B1G selections are no more. Sorry to those eagerly waiting to find out if Ohio State would be selected preseason conference favorites for a record fourth year in a row. At next week's Big Ten media days, there will be no voting on the top three teams. Also done away with are the preseason offensive and defensive players of the year, replaced with a "Players to Watch" list consisting of five players from each division. It remains to be seen if unglamorous positions like center will be included. If so, at least expect to see Mike Brewster as one of the ten. 

Even though preseason rankings are rather meaningless, with the addition of Nebraska and the uncertainty with Ohio State, I'm sure many were curious to see how the media would vote. Luckily for them, when August rolls around, there will be no shortage of sports writers and pundits with predictions that, two months later, will look as ridiculous as Michigan's throwback uniforms. 

 No Baconators for Stoney. ESPN's Brian Bennett talked with Jake Stoneburner about his workout routine and eating habits. Not only is he the rare college student that avoids fast food, but he also constantly risks his life by working out with John Simon. With an inexperienced group of wide receivers, especially for the first five games sans DeVier Posey, Stoneburner thinks that5 this could be the year of the tight end at Ohio State:

"We don't have any receivers who have proven themselves, so I feel like a tight end could be the quarterback's best friend this year," Stoneburner said. 

As preparation for all the catches he's going to receive5, he's also practiced with Anthony Gonzalez in the offseason:

"He was an incredible route runner when he was here, and he's been able to critique me on little things and help me get a lot better," Stoneburner says. "It feels really natural, because that's what I did in high school. I'm able to run routes and get open like I thought I could." 

 The basketball schedule is decidedly less cupcake-y this year. Jason King breaks down the best non-conference basketball games for the upcoming season. Sully and company are represented three times, with the match-up against Duke ranking #2 on King's list, right behind North Carolina-Kentucky:

2. Duke at Ohio State, Nov. 29 – Jared Sullinger returned to Columbus to win an NCAA title. A November victory over Austin Rivers and the Blue Devils would provide a huge jolt of confidence for the Buckeyes.

The road game against Kansas and the November 15th meeting with the Gators are also singled out. Of the 15 games King mentioned, Big Ten teams are part of seven of them.   

 It's almost the weekend. Enjoy these links. Everyone read about Eat Too, Brutus, right?...Congrats, Penn State...Just when you thought the Wisconsin BB team couldn't get any whiter...Trader Joe's Ron Swanson Special...Mr. Gorilla, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?

  • 1 Can she really bring back pantyhose?
  • 2 Do not get married on a football Saturday.
  • 3 Mostly on the high end, though.
  • 4 What's up, Ann Arbor?
  • 5 For real this time!
61 Comments

Comments

Is it Saturday Yet's picture

+ 1000 for diversity x 1000 for the comicon reference! Welcome Sarah. Nice job.

The Vest-er's picture

It's blog-man, not blog-lady. And that is a scientific fact.

All kidding aside. Nice article.

Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless.

Colin's picture

I hear their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstration!

 

.....sorry for those who don't get the reference and find it vulgar.

BuckeyeSki's picture

You hear that Jason?! BEARS! Now your putting all of us in danger!

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

NoVA Buckeye's picture

beat me to the punch... +100

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

LeeNorthbrook's picture

I feel so violated.

Thank you Sarah.

 

builderofcoalitions's picture

Welcome, Sarah. I like to use the footnote from time to time. I use this code so that they link and lazies like myself don't have to constantly scroll up and down all the time.

Because we couldn't go for three.

Nerkbuckeye's picture

Please do me again Sarah--(I think I'm in love)

BacknBlack's picture

Welcome Sarah.  W/ gems like "two-time preseason Big Ten offensive player of the year" you will fit in nicely at 11W. Cheers

BuckeyeSki's picture

State Penn getting #2 is apropos, however, they have a strong case for #1 as well.

Welcome to 11Dub Sarah, your dead on with Stoney risking his life daily by lifting with All Flannel Tops

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

Maestro's picture

Well done.

vacuuming sucks

cronimi's picture

Sarah, welcome and good job on your first skull session, but I hope you lose the footnotes.  They are a bit ... Simmonsy (and that is not a compliment).  Parentheticals would have worked just fine.

Denny's picture

Yea, and what's the deal with grammar

Taquitos.

Luke's picture

Simmons is just ripping off DFW. Sarah is ripping off THE BIBLE. Q.E.D.

Sarah's picture

I refuse to apologize for my love of footnotes. I know they can be kind of a pain to read, but they're much more aesthetically pleasing than dashes or parentheses.

Johnny Ginter's picture

kate l turabian ride or die

741's picture

I dig the footnotes.

Denny's picture

Kind of feel like we all need to talk about our feelings now, everybody.

Taquitos.

Maestro's picture

I feel gassy.

vacuuming sucks

Denny's picture

That's just high vapor pressure b/c of the heatwave. Perfectly natural.

Taquitos.

Nappy's picture

Welcome, Sarah!  And feel free to sexually harass me any time.

Also, dont misspell anything, Denny's head will explode

Fan of bacon since 1981

BLeezy17's picture

OH MY GOD, THAT'S SARAH HARDY'S MUSIC.....Welcome!

Jdadams01's picture

Welcome, Sarah! I guess Pam finally has reinforcements for Buckeye Gal Awesomeness on here.

AngelHeartsBuckeyes's picture

/sadface

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride....

Buckeye born and bred. Buckeye til I'm dead.

Pam's picture

Is there enough room for more Buckeye Gal Awsomeness? We shall see.

GoBucks713's picture

No catfights. Unless we can get it on film at Eat Too, Brutus.

-The Aristocrats!

741's picture

Sarah is merely apprentice to your awesomeness.

AngelHeartsBuckeyes's picture

Welcome Sarah! Pam and I are old ladies 'round here, so welcome to the gang. When you want to be jumped in?

Buckeye born and bred. Buckeye til I'm dead.

BuckeyeChief's picture

Is this gonna be taped?

 

"Damn I miss El Guapo"

Denny's picture

Kurt Cobain wrote a whole album just about you three, I think.

Taquitos.

NC_Buckeye's picture

Ha! I just got that.

/it takes me a while

NW Buckeye's picture

Nice job Sarah.  Welcome to 11W.

BucksfanXC's picture

11W has a history of high standards in their adding of new talent, so far Sarah is no exception. I also always welcome more 11dubsters from the Murder Mitten, we who have it the hardest as Buckeye fans. Not for the last 6.75 yrs, I guess.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

Sarah's picture

Growing up here in the 90s, however, was less fun.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for the mostly warm and only slightly creepy welcome.

BucksfanXC's picture

I would hope that you expected nothing less, both of the warmth and the creepiness.

Where abouts in TSUN are you located?

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

Sarah's picture

West MI, where it is less Detroit-y and the Ann Arbor-ish stench of inept defense and inflated sense of self is less pungent.

GoBucks713's picture

Sarah, welcome to 11w. You just lowered the sausage/taco ratio on this site by 50%.

-The Aristocrats!

Bucks's picture

Oh my, some interesting comments!

Welcome Sarah & great first read.

 

I love, love seeing that Stoneburner has had some time with Gonzo.

Riggins's picture

Good article. Nice humor.  I'm totally on board with Stoney being this year's breakout player.

I'm also a little sad that I understood the 1st footnote.  Damn you Yahoo News!  [/hands in man card]

NC_Buckeye's picture

Jon Hamm... is he a member of the Handsome Men's Club? I don't remember if we've ever voted on him at  the club meetings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyGJXLxtVEo

SouthBayBuckeye's picture

I'm calling an official meeting of no ma'am at noon PST

 

Banned from ATO since June 3rd 2PMish PST

BuckeyeSki's picture

That is some solid 1950's sexism right thurrr SBB

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

Joe Beale's picture

What about G.R.O.S.S?

"Get Rid Of Slimy girlS"

BucksfanXC's picture

Obligatory.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

SouthBayBuckeye's picture

I was thinkignof that, nicely played.

Banned from ATO since June 3rd 2PMish PST

JozyMozy's picture

oh shit you guys so are we supposed to fight each other now or something? you know...for honor? You guys figure it out I'll be over...here*flex-points*...doing bench presses. you know. like I do...every day. for lunch. after subway.

Buckeye Chuck's picture

I never did understand the logic of preseason predictions from the media, players of the year, and the like.

The one time I remember attending a wedding on a football Saturday, it was perhaps the worst game the Buckeyes have played in my lifetime (the blowout against Indiana in '88). So I am honor bound to resolve all future such conflicts in favor of football.

Nice Breaking Bad reference. Send Gus to the next ESPN staff meeting!

The most "loud mouth, disrespect" poster on 11W.

gravey's picture

Welcome aboard.  That was good stuff.  I'm looking forward to your regular contributions.  11W just got even better.  Here's hoping the gender jokes have an appropriately lengthy tenure... I'd rather the boys club just enjoy your dropping your def knowledge and impeccable grammar on us.

 

SouthBayBuckeye's picture

at least PSU is ranked highly at SOMETHING.

Banned from ATO since June 3rd 2PMish PST

slidingscrapes's picture

Welcome! I enjoy your writing style... looking forward to your next piece.

Show them Ohio's here!

Abe Froman's picture

I must say that I did enjoy the bacon reference and was hoping Jake was a big fan.

Basking in the wake of mediocrity.....

kc286496's picture

I want to make out with you.

Jason Priestas's picture

You signed up for an 11W account just to post this?

BucksfanXC's picture

HAHA!

That's priceless.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

BuckeyeSki's picture

Well....it's already better than anything M1EK has to say

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty