Happy Friday to all! I hope everyone's weekend is even a fraction of how delightful mine will be.
Word of the Day: Pulchritudinous.
PERSONAL NEWS! Tomorrow, I will be marrying the love of my life. Everyone, let me introduce to you the very-soon-to-be Mrs. Taylor Harrish.
As you might imagine, she is among the most patient individuals on this planet if she's choosing to put up with my nonsense daily for the rest of her life. She's also smarter than me, kinder than me, significantly more clever than I am, astoundingly considerate and thoughtful, and completely out of my league in the looks department – and none of you can have her.
All of this is pertinent to you mostly because I think it's important that you know my wife is significantly better than me – it provides a solid context to my writing from here on out. But more practically, while we celebrate our marriage next week, my typo-ridden clunkery will be replaced by the pleasing prose of Johnny Ginter, Ramzy Nasrallah and Chris Lauderback. Regretfully, I will return to you on Thursday.
While I'm gone, I ask two things of you: don't get used to it, and be every bit as cruel to them as you are to me. Thank you in advance.
MASCOT FRACAS. Remember back in 2010 when Rufus the Bobcat decked Brutus Buckeye on the field? Turns out, it was a far more elaborate and incredible story than I ever imagined.
When @jon_greenberg assigned me a story about a mascot fight, I admittedly rolled my eyes.— Zac Jackson (@AkronJackson) June 25, 2020
Then I dug in and it became a story about high goals, deep plots and good deeds. There were lawyers! https://t.co/8DVPPlUXK2
If you're a subscriber to The Athletic, this is absolutely worth your time. Basically, the story goes that a non-student set his sights on becoming Rufus with the sole goal of tackling Brutus, and he did just that. It also caused... quite the legal storm.
All in all, I'll always remember it as the most beautiful tackle ever made by a Bobcat on a Buckeye, cause lord knows it never looks that clean on the football field.
BIA'S STILL BLAZING. Ohio State's become known for its collection of blazing fast defensive backs, headlined by Denzel Ward's 4.32 and Marshon Lattimore's 4.36 40-yard dash time.
It looks like we can add another one to the list.
Everybody keep asking me what my 40 is... Just know Im the fastest DB in college football— Cameron Brown (@luh_cam_) June 26, 2020
If you're wanting a number that's more than just "the fastest in college football," Brown's confidence would have him as the fastest player in Ohio State football history.
But Brown, when he revealed his 40-yard time, made sure to note that it comes with an asterisk. A 4.3? No, no. He thinks he can do better.
“I just came off a torn hamstring, so I think I was faster than that,” Brown told Eleven Warriors after the Big Ten championship game in December. “I tripped in it too, so you never know. I think I can run a 4.2.”
When he inevitably gets to the league, some hero needs to set up a race between Ward, Lattimore and Brown to settle this once and for all. Ted Ginn Jr. can join too, for shits and giggles.
SPEAKEASY, BUT PIZZA? Columbus' newest pizza... endeavor(?) – for lack of a better term – has me puzzled, fascinated, and starving.
Let me introduce you to Wizard of Za.
First off, the pizza looks ungodly delicious, which is without doubt the most important part. It's also Mark Pantoni and Brian Hartline endorsed, And historically, things (or athletes) who they think are good do turn out to be, in fact, good.
In this case, they didn't have to dig too hard. This is a can't-miss five-star pizza.
The Instagram page makes me want to start lick my damn computer screen. The dude drizzles something called "hot honey" on the pizza, and I'd believe you if you told me it was liquified cocaine. All in all, I would commit numerous crimes for a slice of this pizza.
However, the business model is... different.
No address... its an underground shop. No info is provided until day of order!— Spencer Saylor (@_SpencerSaylor) June 23, 2020
You go to https://t.co/yK0hZTi5uj and message directly to get on the waitlist. Youll be reached out to when its your turn to schedule!— Spencer Saylor (@_SpencerSaylor) June 23, 2020
That sounds simple enough, but I've heard unconfirmed reports that the waitlist is currently 1,200 people long, putting your expected delivery date at somewhere around four years from now.
All in all, this seems like both the most amazing and most atrocious marketing plan I've ever heard. On one hand, I'm far more intrigued than I've ever been about a new pizza place, but on the other, there's no way for me to acquire this pizza so it does not matter how intrigued I am.
But, best of luck and hopefully I will try it one day!
SONG OF THE DAY. "Grow As We Go" by Ben Platt.
NOT STICKING TO SPORTS. Inside the case of death row inmate Julius Jones and the efforts of NBA stars trying to set him free... Almost 1 in 3 pilots in Pakistan have fake licenses... Get ready for pharmaceutical-grade magic mushroom pills... Inside the social media cult that convinces young people to give up everything...