COLUMBUS: Michigan football's Revenge Tour™ was abruptly canceled today during the 4th quarter of the Wolverines' loss to Ohio State, its seventh consecutive defeat in the rivalry and 16th in the last 18 seasons.
"I'm not sure what happened," said Michigan captain and DE Truck Stop Fabio. "We got every call all afternoon. Ohio State made a ton of mistakes. This doesn't seem fair."
The Buckeyes rolled up over 500 yards of offense as Dwayne Haskins went over 300 yards passing with five touchdowns, picking apart Don Brown's defense with the meticulousness of a forensics officer, or Chris Holtmann; either comparison works here.
"We have the best defense in the country," said Michigan star DT Actual Garbage Pail Kid. "Ask Rutgers or Western Michigan."
Disbelief washed over the visitor sideline as the inevitability washed over road team.
"I don't understand it, I guaranteed victory," said Comprehensively Average Running Back Karan Higdon. "Why didn't it work?"