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Baseball is the worst sport ever. I'm going to fix it.

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AngryWoody's picture
May 31, 2014 at 1:51pm

Baseball fans, how can you stand to watch a full game? Seriously, if I wanted to watch three hours of guys in tight pants chewing gum and spanking each other I'd camp out in the line for a Justin Beiber concert. Among people my age (18-25) soccer is more popular than baseball. SOCCER! The truth is that baseball is old, outdated and needs to change or it's going to die off. So as a non-baseball fan here are my ideas to make the game not so horrible.

(This is all off the top of my head)

1. Fifteen second play clock. - From the time one pitch leaves the pitcher's hand to the next pitch no more than fifteen seconds can pass. First violation in an inning results in a ball. Repeated violations will result in an instant walk for the batter. I get so sick and tired of watching between every pitch as the pitcher plays with his ball cap and the batter kicks the same stupid spot in the ground 500 bazillion times for no reason. THROW THE DAMN BALL ALREADY.

2. Tiger Pits - The home team gets to hide three secret tiger pits somewhere in the field Indiana Jones style.

3. Play fewer games - Do you really have to play 162 games? I get it, baseball stadiums want to sell more tickets and if they have more games they can sell more. Do you know what the problem is? It's normally just the same 12 jackasses in the stadium every game. They're not growing their brand by taking the small group of old geezers who still give a damn about the game and wringing their pockets at the home games 81 times a year. Play fewer games, make it exciting. I want to watch a game where every pitch/swing actually counts for something then maybe some new fans will show up instead of the same guys over and over. Isn't that excitement why we love college football?

4. Two Pitchers - Think about it. Two mounds. Two pitchers. No clue where the ball is coming from. Oh yeah, I'd watch that.

5. Metal bats - Let em use metal bats. I wanna see some runs.

6. Full Contact - Yes. Baseball needs to be a full contact sport. Basically, after the batter hits the ball Ryan Shazier puts on full pads and knocks the basemen flat on their ass so the runner can make it home. Basemen get to wear pads as well and try to fend off the blocker while attempting to gang tackle the runner. If the runner is caught by a baseman, an MMA ring is lowered down from the sky and the two fight to the death.

7. Tarp roll of death - It's sad when rolling out the tarps is more exciting than the game.

Incidentally, the guy running from the tarp showed more effort than any player in the history of baseball ever.

I'm just making this crap up as I go, but I think all of these changes would make baseball less of a barf-fest.


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