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Ohio State Fake News Roundup 9/7

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September 7, 2017 at 5:39pm
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What's up guys? The wait is over, the fake is back. 

WILSON ADMITS HE LEFT PLAYBOOK AT WAFFLEHOUSE

Confirming the suspicions of many Ohio State fans after last Thursday’s sluggish offensive start, new Ohio State offensive coordinator Kevin Wilson admitted yesterday to reporters that before the trip to Bloomington, Wilson had forgotten his playbook at a Columbus Waffle House. What appeared to be a playbook during the game was actually just an empty folder that he’d stuffed with a 1980s issue of the Marvel Comics title Namor the Submariner.

“I thought we did okay considering we didn’t actually have a playbook,” Wilson said. “We won big and I got to stick it to Old Man Allen.” (Editorial note—Kevin Wilson is actually nine years older than Indiana football head coach Tom Allen)

Wilson added “on the bright side,” that: “The coffee was at perfect temperature, the hashbrowns were crisp, and my waitress, Kelly, couldn’t have been more helpful and courteous.”

Wilson later recovered his playbook on Friday night, finding it in the manager’s room in a lost-and-found bin alongside dozens of children’s stuffed animals.

BREAKING—BRADY HOKE STILL SOMEHOW EMPLOYED

Earlier today our indentured servants interns were combing the Wikipedia entries on former Michigan head coaches when they uncovered the shocking revelation that somehow, former Michigan head coach and three-time pie-eating-contest-champion Brady Hoke is still gainfully employed in the world of college football, serving as D-Line coach for the Tennessee Volunteers. Whether this makes him a Champion of Life has yet to be ascertained, however what is certain is that as with many mediocre facets of Tennessee football such as Rocky Top and Butch Jones, Hoke is likely there to stay. A great win for the inventor of the so-called double-cheeseburger-with-marshmallow-fluff-and-chocolate-syrup defensive package.

KERRY COOMBS TO MALIK HOOKER: ‘WE’LL HAVE A BLUE SEASON WITHOUT YOU.’

Speaking with media earlier today, former Ohio State and current Indianapolis Colts defensive back Malik Hooker claimed that before making his decision to declare for the draft, he received a rather powerful and affecting message from Ohio State defensive backs coach Kerry Coombs which gave him some pause.

According to Hooker, the letter was a single page featuring the words—in blue crayon—“We’ll have a blue season without you.” The message was accompanied by a crayon drawing—presumably by Coombs—of Coach Coombs sitting at the window of a very tiny house, looking downcast with a single blue tear rolling down his cheek. In the background, behind the house, Coombs drew an image of Michigan quarterback Wilton Speight throwing a presumably game-winning touchdown against the Ohio State Buckeyes.

“I had to think about it a minute,” Hooker said, visibly holding back tears. “But in the end, my future was calling, and when your future calls, you pick up.”

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