The Worst Takes of 2017

By D.J. Byrnes on December 27, 2017 at 7:30 pm
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Fans think writing about sports is fun and easy, which is why every one thinks they could do it if given the chance.

But it's not. It's a lonely path analyzing and predicting a field enjoyed in large part due to its unpredictability, and it's not like pay comes in gold bars delivered to the vault of your estate every Friday afternoon.

Sports fans also crave content 24/7. There are no weekends. There are no holidays. There is no satiating the 324-comment thread at your door demanding to know if there is any truth to the rumors about the third-string quarterback's pinkie finger.

And thanks to social media, we're free to share our unedited, insipid opinions with hundreds of thousands of people at the click of a pocket keyboard. It's perhaps our greatest folly.

It's amazing any good comes from the wasteland, yet flowers grow from the toxic soil every year. We must still account for the bad, however, in order to do better in 2018.

This is not a "gotcha" click-grab. I want to make it very clear, I too am terrible at my job and amazed nobody has fired me yet. 

I almost made it one month before my first big social media goof, which was probably a record for me:

You might say, "That looks fine to me." Thankfully for me, most Americans aren't familiar with the Turkish club Galatasaray S.K, which is a far cry from Galastray.

Then there was this tweet, which stood for nearly an hour and led to my charred corpse being dragged through the streets of Columbus and hanged from the Lane Avenue bridge.

First Thing: They played Army, actually.

Here's another gem from the first quarter of the Iowa game, which aged like a carton of milk on a 107º day:

Though I deleted my old Twitter two weeks ago, I also had a preposterous string of tweets (redundant, I know) minutes before CFP Selection Show kicked off that went something like: "Ohio State called a press conference at three. Doubt it'd do that if it weren't in. Haters better make sure a barf-bag is within arm's reach, because it's about to get turbulent."

After the selection, I spent five minutes staring at the TV screen like the dumb, broken man I am.

Now that I've expiated, let's move on to the year's lesser shenanigans.

It's almost 2018, the year and sportswriters are still taking photos of their computer screens. Remember, kids, an angel loses its wings every time this happens.

2017 didn't end with Fake Urban imprisoned in a 6x8 cell for 23 hours a day. Will our national nightmare ever end? I'm not holding my breath.

Deep Throat, he was not:

Targeting reform is a controversial topic in college football. Never heard it framed like this, though.

When you're trying to do your job but also want to mask your horniness with a glib topical joke:

#Blessed for this insight into the terrible diet of sportswriters. We're killing ourselves to provide you crucial info, people. Show some dang respect.

When mother is mad you slacked on your chores for the third weekend in a row and is threatening to demand rent next month:

I like to pretend my former Ohio State roommate tweets after having just ingested psychedelic drugs for the first time:

When you suddenly remember you work with an AP voter but still want to get a take off:

Ari, thanks:

Not to go against the Godfather of Recruiting, but Tate Martell was one of the top dual-threat prospects in the country:

I don't remember, but Antonio Brown either live streamed after a Steelers win or provided damning information about his Mafia cohorts to the FBI.

They say journalism died before 2017. Don't listen to those critics.

One good trick to inflate traffic numbers for corporate overlords in Atlanta is making content out of other outlets' subjective lists:

As you can see, it's a trick that works.

This, however, is still not Marshon Lattimore:

Who in the hell is Joe?

Smarmy blogger microwaves laptop in sad publicity stunt to showcase anger over intentionally obscure tweet.

Why clickbait an article by with-holding Kerry Coombs' name while also including his picture? Another deep hit from the corporate carbetbagging social media guideliness:

How are those mushrooms treating you, Rowland?

Even the G.O.A.T. of the Ohio State beat can make a bad tweet, which shows the mortality of the rest of us:

Love to watch sports:

If only there were a news organization to discern Twitter rumors from fact.

I thought Wowza died in IRC chatrooms in 1996.

Poor Michael missed the month where everybody on Twitter memed Young Pope into the ground.

Keep in mind this is coming from the first man in history to eat P.J.'s sober: 

When you're trying to do your job but you're also horny and hungry:

This man claims he had an all-time favorite horse:

2017 was not the year one man stopped manually RT-ing takes with painfully obvious observations:

Please don't take a screen cap of a video that includes the play video. I just clicked it. For like 30th time.

Dean! Everything alright over there?

Biggest way to get dumped in your office:

I'm not going to lie... this is my favorite tweet of the year. I am laughing as I type this.

Hell, Rowland is rolling again. Watch out, folks!

My biggest guilty pleasure is media feuds... but especially those between local television personalities over stories about carpooling to work:

I guess we have a different opinion on the meaning of the word "good."

Wild scenes in downtown Columbus back in April:

When you're still hungry for the clicks but also need #content to shoehorn into your new Big Ten-centric site during the offseason:

Hard to believe the worst truck in the world involves a Penn State fan.

Let's check in on Skip Bay—okay, okay. I've seen enough.

I'm the same guy that once tweeted "Bruce Earle," and I feel terrible when I see this stuff but I still need to get these laughs, and the imagery of draft boars is delightful.

What's the worst adjective you could use to describe Olive Garden?

The only two tweets I sent to the Pulitzer committee this year:

I wish I could delete this from my memory:

Not Good

Dean! Dean! Are you with us, baby?

Lavar Ball and Zach Smith: The worst feud of 2017. I'm still angry this happened:

Noon stays ready to rumble. As a Marionaire, I can respect it.

Two things:

  • That's not a bar.
  • Unsolicited P.R. advice: No reason to shit on a Buckeye national title in any sport.

Ummm...

You don't have to do this. We have families. Please. If we asked for NHL content, we wouldn't follow a Big Ten site.

Is that source Kyle Rowland?

And this year's "Life comes at you fast award" goes to...

Bill Simmons aged worse than my "J.T. Barrett haters are dead" tweet from the first quarter of the Iowa game and apparently thinks Larry Bird is better than LeBron James.

It speaks to Pitbull's powers that he wasn't cyber-bullied into deleting this:

I took no pleasure out of seeing Thad Matta walk the plank, but I'm glad Mark wasn't in charge of the search committee to replace him.

Bet you won't talk that shit down in Dayton, Hooley.

Imagine if the Cavs scored more points? They'd be winning the game. We're just asking the questions here.

The worst headline of the year (again, you're a Big Ten site):

"Former Big Ten Rival"

Oh, you thought we were doing bad takes and it wasn't going to involve Bert? The 2038 recap will include Bert.

Then why are you reporting it?

Dean! Good lord he's turning purple:

Nooooope. Noooooooope. Not today, Satan:

Not sure what's worse: "talking about Iowa football again" or the graphic included only to garner more #clicks:

Have you seen this man jump?

What in the actual fuck is even going on with local news anymore?

LOL? LOL.

Baby Boomers will get this technology thing down in 2018:

R.I.P. to the fallen:

Is it?

This is not what a doppelganger is:

C'mon now, Dayton! Bruce Hooley is watching!

N.C. State was a remarkably bad pick back in August, so props:

Define "VERY good."

The official mascot of ~13% of Cleveland fans:

Jud Heathcote coached basketball, FYI:

Zoom lens on point here:

I would like to cast my vote to kick Rascal Flatts out of Buckeye Kingdom. I'm sorry but they're terrible.

Dima! Dima! Dima!

The Pros choked this one up to UCLA, Gottlieb.

Hey Taylor Swift, how would you like to spend the night with a Toledo TV reporter/insane Michigan fan?

Don't follow gambling advice from Dan Wolken. You will lose everything.

"I thought he died a long time ago."

When you're young and swinging for the fences (which I respect):

This is not the time or place for a #GoBucks hashtag. But clicks!

I don't have to pay for this #content? It's really FREE? I must be dreaming.

Janet Reno passed away 11 months ago. Thanks for the @:

All hail internet rumors:

When it's your first day on the job and your boss asks if you have experience with photoshop:

The Penn State game deserved its own column. The takes reached the hottest temperatures of the year on Oct. 28th.

Dave Portnoy shouldn't even be telling a dead slug to have some pride. That slug lived more honorably than the man who shed actual tears after the Patriots lost their opener.

Somebody needs to tell Stewart Mandel his search history conjures the hot babes:

I want to drink 1,000 beers with the Wagen:

So, Mrs. Lincoln, who was your favorite actor?

No. Just, no.

If I saw this take blind, I would suspect it came from a casually racist Korean War veteran from New England:

When you're a newspaper hip to the "me-me's." I cancelled my subscription of this tweet:

They're literally holding a volleyball:

It's amazing how many reporters refuse to crop their photos, unlike me, the guy who always crops his photos:

#GoBucks!

"He's not the most talented" is too good.

The shocking thing here is somebody invited Darren Rovell to Thanksgiving:

I'm still not convinced this wasn't a "guerrilla marketing" stunt, which makes me want to log off forever. 

Turns out you might not want to blather about games you know nothing about:

WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?

Mark May has turned into that obscure uncle sharing conspiracy theories on Facebook:

Ohio State beat Michigan again, which didn't at all make MGoBlog .... aggrieved.

"Classy!" (Is that how a Michigan Man would use that word in this situation?)

In 132 seasons!?

No, Mike. No.

This take is bad, unless Ohio State is the good, in which case it's good:

Is that... no! No! It can't be! Kyle Rowland is back off the mat, yall!

Ah yes, the famous Woody quote we all love to know:

With Dakich, it's absolutely about him.

C'mon now, Ben! We both know you stole this tweet so you might as well just type the curse word. (Congrats on the RTs, though.)

*reaches into the depths of Finkes' timeline of darkness and selects a tweet at random* This will do fine.

I like Cheerios, but only somebody with ten dead bodies in his crawl space would call them delicious.

What made Miami so hard to play were all the guys named Blake who went to private school:

No, no he did not.

Hook 'Em

Penn State comments continue to show the decline of our nation's critical thinking skills:

Honestly, this sponsored avocado toast post is the most interesting thing the Land of 10 boss man posted all year:

Feel I missed anything? Feel free to put them in the comments.

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