The Situational: Factory of Sadness

By Ramzy Nasrallah on November 6, 2013 at 11:15a
situational
110 Comments

You know November has arrived once the inappropriately named "fun size" candy bars appear in your office's little kitchenette. This lousy manna is the surest sign Halloween has passed and the 11th month of the Gregorian calendar is upon us.

Those empty calorie nuggets show up for two bad reasons: One, the previous owner doesn't like them - notice you rarely see a Twix, Kit-Kat or Reese's Cup lying around for the taking; only Depression-era crap like Tootsie Rolls - the SPAM of the candy world - or that Hershey's "Special Dark" chocolate which is neither special nor dark.

The second reason is the donor is pretending to diet and transferring Halloween's excess plunder to your struggling metabolism. It's like picking through garbage off someone's curb, except that they've brought their curb to where you get your unsatisfying coffee every morning. 

That pretend diet is a lie because Thanksgiving's comin' and there will be no dieting this month. December reliably delivers a five-pound bloat minimum to your ass or belly depending on where you carry your excess Halloween candy.

Real diets happen exclusively during the first two weeks of January. Dieting now is sad and futile, like Michigan running out of I-formation.

Pretending is also an annual November theme for for college football: September Heismans are long forgotten and those nice little 8-0 records built through October start to weigh on a team's conscience. The pressure from outside is now matched by the pressure within.

And, of course, Halloween itself is about pretending to be someone else. Above are the Minnesota Vikings cheerleaders, featuring Sexy Where's Waldo. Thanks to the irrefutable and timeless Rule 34, improbable combinations like Sexy and Waldo are required to exist.

However, unlike regular/unsexy Waldo, this one is easy to spot in a large crowd. Alright, LET'S GET SITUATIONAL.

THE STADIUM GIMMICK

Orchestrated stadium dress code stunts have been around for awhile. Ohio State has executed numerous "Scarlet-Out" campaigns that turned the Shoe red and even pulled off a "Scarlet with Pink Flair" evening against Penn State recently.

They've all been and will continue to be successful, barring ill-timed weather events. But they work because Ohio Stadium is always full of partisan fans pulling for the home team.

So speaking of partisan fans and ill-timed events, here's California's "Gold-Out" from its September game hosting the Buckeyes:

Cal

Memorial Stadium has a capacity of 62,467. It's welcomed over 45,000 only one time this season, and that was for the Ohio State game which was filled to the brim with enough Buckeyes to pull off a full-stadium O-H-I-O.

Using wear this color as a come-to-the-game value proposition is destined to fail. There's nothing extra in it for the college fan - not even a free t-shirt like in the NBA playoffs where they're draped on your chair when you arrive.

Cal is allegedly the smarter school that may have lost the game but is winning at life and should have known this was no way to fill seats or show off school spirit.

Speaking of smarter schools, Northwestern has long been the local option for Chicago's enormous Big Ten alumni base to take the Purple Line and see their alma mater play locally. The Wildcats have been trying to change their home crowd dynamic for years. 

When Ohio State visited on October 6 the game was declared the biggest contest in school history. ESPN Gameday even showed up on campus for the first time ever. Here was the view from the press box:

DIRTY NERDS

Granted, Northwestern implores fans to wear purple to every game, not just the ones against Ohio State - so this can hardly count toward failed gimmickry. That wall of red showed up and watched the Buckeyes break the Wildcats, who had previously won 14 of 17. They've since lost five straight.

And speaking of five-game losing streaks - Purdue entered last weekend with one, declaring its game with the Buckeyes a Boiler Blackout (not to be confused with a Purdue Blackout). The Boilermakers have scored 92 points all season, which is 27 fewer than the Buckeyes squeaked out over the past two Saturdays.

Here is the view of that Boiler Blackout last Saturday from the Ohio State section. For those of you who need things spelled out, this is what the non-Ohio State part of Ross-Ade Stadium looked like:

DIRTY ENGINEERS

The point is that if you're having trouble filling your stadium you should reserve your color-themed game days for opponents who don't travel well - or just not do them.

Here is a complete list of B1G venues that can safely schedule (color)-outs without fear of embarrassment when Ohio State or another program with excessive groupies visit: Penn State, Iowa, the Michigan schools and the red schools (Wisconsin, Nebraska, Maryland, Indiana, Rutgers).

Virtually every game Ohio State plays is a home game, regardless of location - and stopping the Buckeyes when they're this good is almost as difficult as overcoming its horde of nomads with disposable income and indisposable red wardrobes.

The lesson here is don't try. You will fail, and there will be photos.

THE COOLEST BIG BROTHER EVER

scumbag
In 2007 Taylor Lewan was a junior at Chaparrel High School in Scottsdale, AZ. That was Mark Dantonio's first season at Michigan State.

One of the first things Dantonio did after being hired was emphasize the state championship game with Michigan (he learned the importance of beating that particular opponent from one of his previous coaching stops). He even installed a countdown clock in the practice facility.

Jake Long, Michigan's Taylor Lewan at the time, quipped, "at least they'll be on time for the game." That was the season Michigan opened by losing to Appalachian State. Dantonio joked on his radio show that week about having a moment of silence for the Wolverines.

When Michigan defeated his first team 28-24 six years ago tomorrow, several players gathered at midfield to have a moment of silence for the Spartans. After the game Mike Hart gave his famous Little Brother speech and Dantonio returned serve with his now-famous Pride Comes Before the Fall response.

Since then Little Brother is on a 5-1 run against Big Brother. Here is a complete list of coaches that have won five of six against Michigan: Jim Tressel, Woody Hayes, Illinois' Ray Elliott in the 1950s, Minnesota's Murray Warmath in the 1960s and Dantonio right now. That's it.

shhhhh
Leaders & best & condescending as hell

Your big brother was never this cool about letting you win. Michigan is the best big brother ever.

Duffy Daugherty never did what Dantonio has done, nor has any Domer. It's an historical streak that's coinciding with Michigan on the verge of a ninth straight season without a Big Ten title, matching its drought from 1934-1943. Its longest drought was from 1949-1964.

So in light of the respective streak and drought, you might think some of that the Michigan arrogance could give way to a bit of humility. And you would be wrong, because Michigan arrogance is a resistant bacteria that no amount of humiliation can exterminate.

In September the U-M athletic department paid $6700 for a skywriter to write Go Blue above Spartan Stadium during a game. MSU's alumni association chair sought to match those costs with donations through the Ann Arbor-based Michigan Ovarian Cancer Alliance.

They ended up raising over $40,000. A worthy comeback to a questionably-fired shot.

Last week in the buildup to their game with the Spartants running back Fitz Toussaint, who is mediocre enough without being burdened by the weakest Michigan offensive line in your lifetime (it doesn't matter how old you are) channeled Hart's Little Brother speech again.

The Wolverines still haven't won in Spartan Stadium since Lewan's junior year at Chaparrel (he's a fifth-year senior) in proceeding to turn in their worst rushing performance in 134 years.

Little brother no longer seems quite as condescending as it did when Hart first invoked the term in triumph. It was misplaced then and it's just awkward during Sparty's streak. Imagine how adorable Ohio will sound coming out of Hoke's mouth if the Buckeyes prevail in Ann Arbor at the end of the month.

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

About 70 years ago a guy named Stanley Burroughs published a book called The Master Cleanser which is a diet that replaces food with, basically, an Arnold Palmer plus maple syrup and cayenne pepper.

The elixir has been since used to detoxify the body. From a clinical standpoint it's bullshit, but it's tasty bullshit.

Panty melter. You're welcome.
The Retox: Your master cleanse, with bourbon.

One serendipitous afternoon the good people at Saveur magazine were sampling maple syrups for a story when a bottle of bourbon showed up in the office. These are inventive people, and they predictably got creative.

They combined a couple of the syrups with the bourbon, added lemon and then poured into a glass whose rim had been dipped in cayenne pepper. The result was a familiar detox elixir that had been fortified with brown American liquor, which everyone knows is the best liquor.

And with that, the Retox was born. The drink is both invigorating and delightful, numbing your lips as the beverage diligently works to numb your body. It's not only easy to construct; you can serve the Retox as a breakfast bourbon or a nightcap.

It's situationally appropriate at all hours. The Adrian Peterson of bourbon cocktails, if you will.

You're going to need real maple syrup made by real Vermont hippies. If you prefer your pancakes intercontinental, Canadian syrup can be used. You just want to avoid corn syrup that's been dyed and scented like the real stuff because it didn't come out of a tree and damn it, you're better than fake maple syrup.

The bitters you normally use for your Old Fashioneds are no good here either: You need something either mapley or vanilla-ish. It's November. You should already have bitters like this in your bar, because a gentleman keeps his drinks seasonally appropriate.

Finally, a spicy bourbon is required - something with a high rye content. Four Roses Single Barrel has the highest rye content of any bourbon you can actually find in a store. For the thrifty types you can save upwards of an Andrew Jackson by buying Bulleit instead.

An underrated and spicy option for your Retox is Old Granddad, despite its appearance in that George Thorogood song which makes it sound like alpha bourbon. It isn't. OG is a storyteller that accommodates all syrups - provided they came out of a goddamn tree, preferably in Vermont.

Take a lemon wedge and swipe it around the circumference of your glass, then roll that moist rim in some cayenne pepper. Muddle the bitters, syrup and the lemon wedge in a cup and then pour it over ice in that peppered glass.

Top it off with seltzer water and enjoy your master cleanse.

THE PLAY-OFF

The Internet is now 95% cats or pornography according to a statistic I just made up while typing this sentence. There's no shortage of either, but what separates those two categories is that you can share cat videos with the rest of your office without the threat of termination.

That's unless you work exclusively with dogs, in which case you should demonstrate better office etiquette. That said, this video is 36 seconds long and worth your time, canine coworkers or not:

The soundtrack to this masterpiece - Sail by Awolnation - is popular among animal video enthusiasts: You can find both cat and dog videos set to the song. There's even a snail video set to it. SNAIL [wub wub wub wub wub wubwubwub] SNAIL.

Enjoy your bye week, comrades - and remember to stay away from loose Halloween candy. It has no morals.

110 Comments

Comments

jvd253's picture

This very well might have been the best article I have ever read on the interwebs.   Ever.  

"A guy from Ohio can make it in life if he works hard enough." - Wayne Woodrow Hayes

Jugdish's picture

Ramzy has been writing great articles for 11W for several years. I liked this one as well, but my all time favorite article is this. For any newbies of the last 6 months or so, take the time to read it. Just be prepared to really be affected emotionally.

Remember to get your wolverine spayed or neutered. TBDBITL

buckeyeEddie27's picture

I made mention to a newer member Ramzy will eventually make you cry.   These are facts.

I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

IGotAWoody's picture

I came to elevenwarriors because a friend sent a link to a Ramzy article, many moons ago. I have been coming back almost daily ever since.

 - License to kill gophers (wolverines, badgers, etc) by the government of the United Nations

acBuckeye's picture

Ramzy may possibly be the best writer on the interwebs.

Ethos's picture

I would totally bang Waldo.

"I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted." - George Best

actionstanleyjackson's picture

YessirDitto

Stay golden, Ponyboy.

Ethos's picture

really? downvotes? People are way too serious here.

"I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted." - George Best

RedsBuckeyeBoy's picture

I was all like "Yeah, sexy Waldo! Hubba Hubba!" when I read your first comment, so I upvoted that one.
Then, I was all like "Booooo! Hiss!" when I read the second comment that was deriding people for the downvote, so I downvoted that one.
Overall, it was a push, but thank you for the emotional roller coaster 11W style!

Seattle Linga's picture

OK Ramzy - from now on - make each article with pics just like this one and get about 300 extra comments.
Long Live Waldo!

Jonnferrell's picture

I would bang her, but I'm not sure where. . .
It is Waldo. . .  geez

"I miss Brady Hoke."

CALPOPPY's picture

Where? Did you miss sex education in school?

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

Jonnferrell's picture

My mom wouldn't let me take it.  

"I miss Brady Hoke."

Boxley's picture

I am out of my seasonal bitters.
I have go to the store now, so I am, fully prepped for Thursday night's, hopefully as equally fulfilling, college football results.
 
And damn you Ramzy, but that is a sexy Waldo.

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

I_Run_The_Dave's picture

Virtually every game Ohio State plays is a home game, regardless of location - and stopping the Buckeyes when they're this good is almost as difficult as overcoming its horde of nomads with disposable income and indisposable red wardrobes.

This is gold.

buckz4evr's picture

If that quote is gold, then this is silver:

...Michigan arrogance is a resistant bacteria that no amount of humiliation can exterminate.

 
 
Edit.  I posted this before I read the entire thread.  Sorry for the duplicate

Jugdish's picture

It took me a while, but I found Waldo. Some girl did her best to trick me.

Remember to get your wolverine spayed or neutered. TBDBITL

Squirrel Master's picture

I'll never look at a where's Waldo book the same way ever again! Damn, she looks like elisha dushku!
 

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

ElGato69's picture

Not that the cheerleader looked like this, but her facial expression kinda reminded me of this scene from Dogma:

ChazBuckeye's picture

There's always the scene from Dusk till Dawn too...both are equally nice;-)  

 

Some people think we’re the hunted.I don’t feel that way at all.We’re the hunter.Everybody wants an angry football team.Everybody wants a team on edge and a hungry team.If you’re a hunter,that usually equates to being hungry.

IBLEEDSCARLETANDGRAY's picture

Santánico Pandemónium!

"Sherman ran an option play right through the south" - Greatest Civil War analogy EVER.

Buckeye Scottie's picture

Damn, I hate snakes, but do love me some Salma!

Jonnferrell's picture

That dance was so good, Urban Meyer must have coached it.

"I miss Brady Hoke."

Doc's picture

Wha?..What?  What was I doing before that.  I've lost all train of thought.  Damn Salma is almost perfect.

"Say my name."

Seth4Bucks's picture

Now I know why everyone's been so interested in finding Waldo. I've been looking all my life for Waldo and I didn't even know it.

Borrowed Time's picture

ah yes, going out near Halloween will yield a couple 'sexy Waldos' at every bar

Michael Citro's picture

Michigan arrogance is a resistant bacteria that no amount of humiliation can exterminate

 

The latest BEST. LINE. EVER.

ChazBuckeye's picture

Loved it too!
Best part of Ramzy's article is how many times they've perpetuated the Little Brother connotation.  Yet their players, fans, and unfortunately coaches still haven't figured out that they're 5-1 since starting this perpetuated misconception.  See anything wrong with this picture?

Some people think we’re the hunted.I don’t feel that way at all.We’re the hunter.Everybody wants an angry football team.Everybody wants a team on edge and a hungry team.If you’re a hunter,that usually equates to being hungry.

Boxley's picture

Well, to be that guy, they are actually 1-6.

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

BammBammRiley's picture

Loved that one as well. One more I can pull up to show anyone I introduce to thid site

BammBamm is my dog, Riley is my 4 yr old daughter, and THE Ohio state Buckeyes complete the three most sacred loves I cherish

KLF Buckeye's picture

That is definitely a cat video for dog lovers.

GoBucksToledo's picture

That cat video was great!

Earle's picture

I guess I missed that the UM Athletic Dept. paid for that skywriting.  What a no-class stunt.

Just say no to italics abuse.

cronimi's picture

The Internet is now 95% cats or pornography according to a statistic I just made up while typing this sentence.

Well, as the network at my office blocked your Rule 34 link because it is "pornography", you may have been right. Seriously, what is at that site that our computer Big Brother (not to be confused with the one in Michigan, though apparently just as faulty) blocked it?

I_Run_The_Dave's picture

Isn't Waldo's female counterpart named Wanda?

Seth4Bucks's picture

As far as I'm concerned she can call herself whatever she wants.

ElGato69's picture

Perhaps the subtitle for this article can be "All Your Stadium Are Belong To Us"...

txbucknut's picture

"Michigan arrogance is a resistant bacteria that no amount of humiliation can exterminate." This might be the most amazing line of literary work ever written. Seriously. Well done, Ramzy!!

Seattle Linga's picture

Agreed TX ............Classic

RedStorm45's picture

STEENSN does not approve the cover photo.

Jonnferrell's picture

But the dancers make him feel all funny inside, like sliding down a rope in gym class.

"I miss Brady Hoke."

RedStorm45's picture

Also, candy corn is at the bottom of the barrel of Halloween candy and is likely making the rounds at your office.

Earle's picture

I'd rather eat the empty wrappers.

Just say no to italics abuse.

Ethos's picture

The best description of Candy Corn came from Lewis Black:
 

"Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there’s a ton of it left over. And the candy corn company sends the guys to the villages and they collect out of the dumpsters all the candy corn we’ve thrown away. They wash it! They wash it! I’ll never forget the first time my mother gave me candy corn. She said, “Here Lewis! This is corn that tastes like candy!” (eats it) “This tastes like crap”’ And every year since then, Halloween is returned and I, like an Alzheimer’s patient, find myself in a room, and the room has a table in it, and on the table, is a bowl of candy corn. And I look at it, as if I’ve never seen it before. “Candy corn,” I think. “Corn that tastes like candy. I can’t wait.” (eats it) “SON OF A BITCH!”

 

"I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted." - George Best

Hovenaut's picture

Ramzy has saved the bye week.

I am not very smart, but I recognize that I am not very smart.

BammBammRiley's picture

Great stuff as always Ramzy, as Hove mentioned, right in bye-week saving time.

What's wrong with Chardon, Oh maple syrup?

Cosidering I have family ties in Chardon, and had my tree in the front yard tapped for maple during my residency right off the Square there,I would say I'm naturally biased. Is Vermont's maple syrup widely considered superior over others?

Just curious, Chardon's has always seemed quite rich and tasty.

Edit: I guess its probably not as widely available? Either way can't wait to try that drink.

BammBamm is my dog, Riley is my 4 yr old daughter, and THE Ohio state Buckeyes complete the three most sacred loves I cherish

Ethos's picture

out of curiosity, when you tap a tree like that, do you have ot put the syrup through some kind of cleaning process before you eat it, or can you just pour it on your pancakes right from the tree?

"I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted." - George Best

Scarlet_Lutefisk's picture

The sap is mostly water, you have to boil it down quite a bit to get syrup.

BammBammRiley's picture

Lol... if I knew the answer and you COULD put it right on your pancakes, oh my....

Truth is I'm a city boy (well suburbanite technically) and was out there due to my daughters mother and fam. The city of Chardon from what I understood owns your tree and all the maple in it and is the one that puts the tap on it, so I don't think even if its doable, you legally can.. that said now I'm curious so ill update this with a response after I shoot someone a text unless someone here beats me to it.

Edit: beat me to it and saved me a text to the ex's side... thnks

BammBamm is my dog, Riley is my 4 yr old daughter, and THE Ohio state Buckeyes complete the three most sacred loves I cherish

BammBammRiley's picture

Those maple stirs at maplefest are no joke. They heat up the maple and you stir it untill it thickens and its pure maple sugary goodness

BammBamm is my dog, Riley is my 4 yr old daughter, and THE Ohio state Buckeyes complete the three most sacred loves I cherish

brband64's picture

Real Vermont maple syrup.  Accept no substitutes.
 

BTwrestle04's picture

That picture looks like a man pissing in a bucket...

brband64's picture

That's pretty much why I posted it....and to all, I have no stake whatsoever in who produces the best syrup, so - not that you need them - please enjoy the concentrated tree drippings of your choice with my blessings.  Yep, I only posted the picture because of its slightly naughty overtones. 
Time to go grab some bourbon...

Seattle Linga's picture

WOW bourbon is an acquired taste

Earle's picture

Flap-Jack Mewhort disagrees Only Pure Ohio Maple Syrup with Buckeye Pancakes:
 

Just say no to italics abuse.

Earle's picture

Just say no to italics abuse.

SweetBabyJames's picture

except for Maine maple syrup!

CALPOPPY's picture

Except for Illinois maple sirup.
#FunksGroveFTW
And yes, it's spelled sirup.

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

sir rickithda3rd's picture

great job ramzy! dantonio knows how to build a great defense that's for sure.

mark may wins douchebag of the year... again

Buckeye.383's picture

Hahaha, I look forward to reading Ramzy's articles each week....you can always count on them for a good laugh or two! 

Born, raised, educated, and will die a Buckeye ~ BuckeyeNation

Woody4's picture

This has to be the coolest one-liner I've read.....
Michigan arrogance is a resistant bacteria that no amount of humiliation can exterminate.
 
 

sharks's picture

Would drink Old Grandad off Waldo's abs.

The postgame show is brought to you by... Christ, I can't find it. The hell with it...

bukyze's picture

That opening picture looks like a factory of awesomeness.

BuckeyeQ6's picture

Imagine how adorable Ohio will sound coming out of Hoke's mouth if the Buckeyes prevail in Ann Arbor at the end of the month.

YES!!!  Imagine this if we pound them by 50+!  Leave the starters in, we're going to go XBOX on them.

JLBNYC's picture

Here is some video of the "where's waldo" costume: in action
 
http://thebiglead.com/2013/10/28/wheres-waldo-may-land-on-nyt-best-selle...

JBuckeye's picture

Must stop watching......can't stop....

CALPOPPY's picture

Yeah. She actually makes a horrible Waldo because she is so easy to spot.

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

NW Buckeye's picture

OK, have to weigh in on the Vermont maple syrup.  As Bammbammriley pointed out, Geauga County produces excellent maple syrup.  Grew up on that stuff, and there was healthy respect for it in the industry.  I have a brother in law who still runs a sugarbush near Burton, which still has a functioning sugarbush in the middle of the town park.  They have a pancake festival every week end in March, and you can visit the sugarbush and see how the sap is refined to syrup:
Pancake Town
And, the most interesting fact you need to know - much of the Ohio syrup is sold in 55 gallon drums and shipped to processors in - you guessed it - Vermont!!!  So, even if you are using what you perceive is good Vermont syrup, it just may be that good Ohio syrup produced in northeastern Ohio!!!!!  LOL

BammBammRiley's picture

Wow...thanks for info...interesting to say the least.

Sounds like Vermont has the big processing facilities for world-wide distribution/demand, so it makes sense. Growing up on the Geauga County syrup as well, my impression always was it was a big deal and well respected, but never knew the extent.

One thing for sure, at least for me, if your used to the real stuff, the fake is unbarable!

BammBamm is my dog, Riley is my 4 yr old daughter, and THE Ohio state Buckeyes complete the three most sacred loves I cherish

Scarlet_Lutefisk's picture

One thing for sure, at least for me, if your used to the real stuff, the fake is unbarable!

That's the truth.
The high fructose corn 'pancake syrups' that clutter the shelves are a pale imitation of the real thing.

JBuckeye's picture

I'm thinking you posted just to use the word sugarbush in a sentence three times. :)
Some of us from the southern part of the state (me) had to google it, which I must admit I was worried to do at work. I had a different vision of the word sugarbush in my mind that what you were speaking of. I won't spoil the fun for others though. Google away!

Scarlet_Lutefisk's picture

I do believe that Sugarbush is a gentleman's club residing in beautiful Beauregard Parish Louisiana.

JBuckeye's picture

Apparently it is also a famous squirrel that they intend to make a movie of?
http://sugarbushsquirrelthemovie.com/

Scarlet_Lutefisk's picture

O.O
What...the...fuck...over?

NW Buckeye's picture

LOL!!  Love using the term 'sugarbush'!  Reminds me of my younger days........

Squirrel Master's picture

NW buckeye, my uncle from Mass. makes it a point to only get Vermont maple syrup. I'm sure he is not aware of this.
Any way you can tell which ones are legit and which ones to avoid in the grocers? He looks for the made in Vermont label but I guess that isn't good enough.
 
 

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

NW Buckeye's picture

It's my understanding that much of the bulk syrup shipped out of state is labeled for where it is bottled as opposed to where it was processed.  No way to tell which is which, unless the bottler actually ID's it as 'bottled in' as opposed to just 'Vermont Syrup'.  
My Dad would never touch the Vermont Syrup - said it was all just a marketing ploy, even back in the 50's and 60's.  We always had to have Ohio Syrup.  To be honest, I can't tell the difference. 
Marketing terms are sooo much fun.  There is a big push from Alaska for 'Copper River Salmon'.  The spin on it is that the salmon are from the pristine waters of the Copper River, making the meat purer, more tasty.  If you have ever actually fished in the Copper River you would know that you can not see your hand if you stick in in the water because of all the silt.  Have many friends who live in AK and they swear that fish caught in any other river are better!   We have tried cook offs at my house, comparing Copper River to Puget Sound caught.  On blind taste tests it is hard to tell the difference.  Yet, there are those who swear by it and are willing to spend twice as much or more for the Copper River Salmon.  Go figure!!

AZVO's picture

To be marketed as "Vermont Maple Syrup" the product only needs to contain at least 10% real Vermont syrup - so Vermont "manufacturers" import syrup from Canada, New York, OHIO etc.  Ohio exports more syrup to Vermont than Vermont actually produces from its own trees.  
If your want the real thing, and actually the BEST quality syrup - just buy the 100% pure natural Ohio Maple Syrup.  There are several grades of syrup from extra fancy (very light color) to later run darker (and more flavorful) grades.  I prefer the darker, more intense flavors.  Good Maple Syrup is like good wine, and as variable as the region, soil, climate, particular year.
There, Little Brother, you are also updated.
Does tOSU Ag department have a course on Sugarbush husbandry?  Maple product production is a major industry in Ohio.  And Maple Syrup is pure gold - just try to buy some without a line of credit on your abode!
To improve the bourbon concoction, just use Maple Sugar (not the syrup) with the bitters - 
Love the article - from cats, to bourbon, to color-out stadiums....  
I used to take Gallons of Geauga County Maple Syrup down to Anne and Woody - another Ohio product for which Woody would not accept any substitutes!

Of Course Its Hard.  It;s Supposed to be Hard.  If it was easy everyone would do it.

Hard is what makes it Great.

CALPOPPY's picture

Sugarbush husbandry probably would just be forestry.
My father, retired OSU horticulture professor, had a couple of students though the years that came from syrup farms/sugarbushes. We occasionally would enjoy the gifts from the students on our pancakes.

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

causeicouldntgo43's picture

So, to tie this all together, it would be, like, totally awesome to sip a Retox out of Waldo's belly button while watching Ohio State play Cal away. Steensn would not approve.

Scarlet_Lutefisk's picture

Body shots be damned, people are seriously missing the potential of a cheerleader-maple syrup mashup.

BammBammRiley's picture

No..lol....if you were inside my head...not missed at all!!!

BammBamm is my dog, Riley is my 4 yr old daughter, and THE Ohio state Buckeyes complete the three most sacred loves I cherish

RedStorm45's picture

Spartan Stadium kind of looks like Christmas when OSU visits, at least on recent trips.  Just saying.

roamingbuckeye's picture

When I started reading this I couldnt quite tell where it was heading and by he end of the article I still wasnt sure where it had ended up...but it is one of the best pieces of internet writing I have read in a long time

"I just cant wait to play football." -UFM

buckeyeEddie27's picture

it's all situational. 

I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

Idaho Helga's picture

Great Article Ramzy.  I believe TTUN arrogance to be one of the more aggressive forms of MRSA.  It's flesh scarring/eating for the victim, attacks suddenly, painful and most of all: disgusting for others to see. 
 

fear_the_nut70's picture

I wasn't the only one to hear the East Lansing crowd chant "little sister" three times at the end of the game, am I?  I ask because I brought this up to a few weasel fans who had no idea what I was talking about.

Idaho Helga's picture

You could clearly hear it on the TV broadcast.

IBleedSandG's picture

I think they were probably just ignoring you. I could hear the chants quite clearly on TV, and began to chant along.

"You pick up the rifle and go as hard as you can possibly go."
-UFM

penult's picture

Well, bourbon,  looks like we've all gotten ourselves into a sticky situation(al).

bucks_4_life's picture

After reading this article I spent the next hour watching funny animal videos... day = wasted!!
 
Great article Ramzy!  You had me from the opening picture!

The juice is worth the squeeze

BTBuckeye's picture

and damn it, you're better than fake maple syrup.

DMcDougal24's picture

Ramzy: Is there ever an acceptable situation to drink Johnnie Walker Red? It is all my budget could afford. 

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

Ramzy: Is there ever an acceptable situation to drink Johnnie Walker Red? It is all my budget could afford.

Yes. If you're in India or being hosted by Indians and don't want to offend them.

WL Weller and Old Forrester both lap Johnnie Red and cost the same. Wild Turkey costs about the same. Bulleit costs about the same. Buffalo Trace will cost you a taco more. You can buy three bottles of Jim Beam for the price of two Reds.

Being both better and happier doesn't have to cost more. Good question.

DMcDougal24's picture

If only I asked you a week ago. Thanks for educating me, I live in Findlay so I will send my Johnnie red down to Cooper Tire to appease the new owners

porkchop's picture

My God Bourbon is delicious.

BuckeyeSouth's picture

I confess that I begrudgingly clicked on the cat video (because I'm more of a dog person) and for 32 seconds I was thinking "I knew I shouldn't have clicked on that" but the very next second I was sitting in my office at work laughing hysterically.  I shoulda known that any video that Ramzy would put in The Situational would be comedy gold, and THAT was comedy gold!

Embrace it.

AeroBuckeye2001's picture

This will be the first year that I pull off going to every single Buckeye game. Best year ever.

The Ohio State University Class of 2001
BS Aero & Astronautical Engineering

Hockey Buck's picture

Ramzy is king!  However something does need to be pointed out. Sparty is the little brother to SCum, but what people always get wrong is that SCum is Sparty's big SISTER!

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

Came for the cheerleader.
Stayed for the giggles.
As always :: slow clap ::

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

bigbill992001's picture

Former MSU football coach, Darrell Rogers, called UM "arrogant assholes".   Nail, meet hammer.

741's picture

Mark Dantonio: You's a dick!
#mancrush

PF_Flyers22's picture

You had me at "only Depression-era crap like Tootsie Rolls"
Excellent article per usual. 

jhart's picture

"Your big brother was never this cool about letting you win. Michigan is the best big brother ever."
 
This line is amazeballs.

jrich612's picture

Ramzy, as a young man less than a year removed from achieving legal drinking age and soon to be transitioning out of the natty and franzia lifestyle of Columbus and into the world of real alcohol, what would you reccommend as a good starter bourbon? I'm trying to get on the train here. 

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

what would you reccommend as a good starter bourbon?

Start with the first shelf at the bar. Basil, Jim, Knob,Turkey, etc. Try each and note the differences. Decide what you like best and what doesn't hurt your head the next day. Go from there.

CALPOPPY's picture

I'm not Ramzy (which is good for Ramzy) but I do occasionally answer questions that were not directed to me.
Once you take Ramzy's advice and try a few bottom shelf, here are a couple of good 11W blog post that cover favorite bourbon:
http://www.elevenwarriors.com/forum/anything-else/2013/05/favorite-bourbon
http://www.elevenwarriors.com/forum/anything-else/2013/09/attn-bourbon-f...
Good stuff in those threads.

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

Alhan's picture

Just picked up some Hancock's Presidential Reserve today.  Getting ready to bust it open.  Any experience there?

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

NoVA Buckeye's picture

Wait, so this Situational has nothing to do with the Cleveland Browns?

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.