The Hitchhiker's Guide to the 2013 Buckeyes

By Michael Citro on August 12, 2013 at 11:30a
36 Comments
Don't Panic!Eleven Warriors 2013 Ohio State Football Preview

Don’t panic. Keep your trusty towel handy and let the big, friendly letters of this Hitchhiker’s Guide to the 2013 Ohio State Season wash the chill waves over you.

The season is upon us and there are things you need to know, even if not all of those things are essential, or even useful. Still, we are the smartest monkeys and as such, we are curious and compelled to find stuff out. Some of the tidbits in this column are things you may know and some of it may surprise you. You’ll have to sort it out yourself because it is completely random.

Herein you’ll find fun facts, statistics and random quotes about the players and coaches of your Ohio State Buckeyes. Like the better known Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, this volume will provide information that may save your life. There’s an equally good chance that the info will be completely useless to you. Actually, it’s probably somewhere in between those two extremes.

Here is your guide. May you find it useful, or at least comforting. Most of these items are even true. Some…not so much. But at least it's not Vogon poetry.

  • After seven and a half million years of calculations, the super computer Deep Thought tells us the answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42. There is no No. 42 on the 2013 Ohio State Buckeyes. Past wearers of the number include Bobby Carpenter, Paul Warfield, Andrew Sweat and Vince Workman.
  • The 2013 Ohio State roster features 77 players from the state of Ohio. There are six Buckeyes from Georgia, five from Florida, four each from Texas and Pennsylvania, and three from Illinois. There are 16 of the 50 states represented on the roster, as well as Cameron Johnston from Australia — the only international Buckeye.
  • Michael Bennett starred in the 1971 film, Shaft.
  • Ohio State would match the longest winning streak in school history (22) if it starts the season 10-0. The current 12-game winning streak is tied for the seventh best the Buckeyes have ever had.
  • Adolphus Washington is half grizzly bear and half dragon.
  • Urban Meyer is a big fan of Jimmy Buffett. His favorite song is reportedly “One Particular Harbor.”
  • Ryan Shazier is a psychology major.
  • Five members of this year’s team are from Glenville High School in Cleveland. Pipeline, y’all.
  • Braxton Miller is already 10th in school history in total offense, with 5,184 career yards. He needs 3,666 yards to catch Art Schlichter’s OSU record. If Ohio State plays in 14 games, Miller will need 262 yards per game to make that mark. He has averaged 275.8 yards per game over his first two seasons.
  • "That little joker is quick." – Evan Spencer on Dontre Wilson.
  • With Najee Murray’s suspension, Ohio State has at least 49 letter winners returning from last year’s team. Murray would make No. 50 if he returns.
  • Drew Basil is 23/27 (85%) inside of 50 yards in his Ohio State career. He is 1/5 from 50 and beyond — two of his four misses came his freshman year and he is 1/3 since.
Faster than a kangaroo, mate.Cameron Johnston can not only punt, but he can also outrun
a kangaroo. Probably.
  • Nick Vannett also played high school basketball. In his final game, his Westerville Central squad lost 65-62 in the district final to Satch Sullinger’s Northland Vikings. Vannett hit two key free throws to give his team a 62-61 lead with 15 seconds to play. But Trey Burke scored the final two of his game-high 19 from the stripe to put Northland up for good.
  • Defensive lineman Donovan Munger will sit out the 2013 season with a blood clot issue.
  • “An Ohio State lineman is tough, goes all the time, is coachable and is somebody the coaches look to for leadership. The other four guys on the line encompass that; they are dominant.” – Sophomore tackle Taylor Decker.
  • Ivon Blackman speaks French.
  • Joey Bosa’s uncle, Eric Kumerow, was a 1987 co-captain at Ohio State. Kumerow and Bosa’s father, John, both played for the Miami Dolphins.
  • Jacoby Boren is the 15th Boren brother to play for Ohio State. Just kidding. He’s the third (Justin, Zach).
  • “For Braxton Miller, it seems the game has really slowed down for him.” – BTN’s Howard Griffith.
  • Noah Spence kills quarterbacks, just to watch them die.
  • Jordan Hall is third on Ohio State’s all-time kickoff return yardage list, with 1,186. Maurice Hall is first with 1,642 yards.
  • Devin Smith was a state long jump champion in high school.
  • Carlos Hyde has scored 30 career touchdowns. That ties him with Beanie Wells for eighth on the school’s all-time list. Pete Johnson holds the record, with 58, followed by Keith Byars (50), Eddie George (45), Evan Spencer’s father Tim (37), Howard Cassady (37), Jim Otis (34) and Pepe Pearson (32).
  • Not only are both Corey Browns from Pennsylvania, but both are majoring in criminology.
  • “Buckeye D-line looks good. If coaches can get 341-pound Chris Carter to play hard all the time, look out.” – Tom Dienhart via Twitter.
  • If Philly Brown duplicates last year’s 60-catch season, he’d finish his career fifth in on the all-time OSU receptions list, with 142 — two ahead of Santonio Holmes and trailing only Gary Williams (154), Michael Jenkins (165), Cris Carter (168), and David Boston (191).
  • Ryan Shazier’s 115 total tackles last season was the most by a Buckeye since James Laurinaitis finished with 130 in 2008.
  • “I’m freaking awesome!” – Kerry Coombs
36 Comments

Comments

dumpus's picture

"oh great.  another write up about our upcoming undefeated season.  we're gonna lose to illinois anyways.  i'm not even gonna watch.  why bother. "
- marvin the paranoid buckeye fan
 
 

IBLEEDSCARLETANDGRAY's picture

42 upvotes ;)
Brady Hoke = Vogon

"Sherman ran an option play right through the south" - Greatest Civil War analogy EVER.

Hovenaut's picture

*double take*

For a second I thought you said Brady Hoke, (engage sarcastic font) vegan....

"Success - it's what you do with what you got" - Woody Hayes

Oyster's picture

Well, butter, pancakes, ice cream, gravy, heavy cream, syrup, cheese pizza, bananas foster could all be 'technically' considered vegetarian.

Hovenaut's picture

Or a light snack....

"Success - it's what you do with what you got" - Woody Hayes

IBLEEDSCARLETANDGRAY's picture

Hovenaut, I just snorted my Diet Coke at that notion :-P

"Sherman ran an option play right through the south" - Greatest Civil War analogy EVER.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

Now that is perfect casting!!!  Flounder Hoke is a Vogon... god, the voice patterns are almost perfect!!!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

spqr2008's picture

"Noah Spence kills quarterbacks, just to watch them die"
 
It's too bad we don't play in Reno this year.

sb97's picture

It is never a bad day for H2G2 references!

cdubs's picture

I'm pleasantly surprised that the Douglas Adams/Buckeyes fan combo is larger than I would have guessed.

chirobuck's picture

had no idea Brown was that high on the list for reception in school history.......how bout that

 
^ best post ever ^

urbanwarfare's picture

Does this mean that Adolphus Washington is related to Khaleesi? She is the mother of dragons

Borrowed Time's picture

wasn't the "little joker is quick" quote from Noah Spence?

45OH4IO's picture

OOOOHHH!! TWITTER BURN!

Borrowed Time's picture

oops I'll keep my mouth shut from now on

Michael Citro's picture

oops I'll keep my mouth shut from now on

No, please don't. Having you guys keep us on our toes makes us better writers and is good for the site. Stay vigilant! There was a moment there when I went..."Wait, WAS it Spence? I could have sworn it was Spencer."

I turned out to be right this time, but if I'd been wrong I could have fixed it for people who hadn't read it yet. Appreciate the fact that you guys read carefully and are fully invested in the material. Thanks.

harleymanjax's picture

"Because I couldn't go for 3"

whobdis's picture

"uhhhhh...bon jour?" - Ivan Blackmon

cajunbuckeye's picture

Carlos Hyde is tied with Beanie Wells, for now, with 30 career touchdowns.

An angry fan...rooting for an angry team...led by angry coaches

cinserious's picture

Without the 3 (cupcake games) suspension, I could see Hyde approaching Eddie George's 45 TD mark with a mere 15 more. I still feel he comes somewhat close though.

"Get him a body bag, Yeah!"

kalabuckzoo's picture

If Braxton stays for his senior year his total yardage might become untouchable in the record books.

brylee's picture

Wow!  A lot of records are going to be broken this year.

Alpo's picture

Love to see Braxton get the all time total offense mark this year, gonna be a great season!

German Buckeye's picture

Braxton prediction this season - 3,750 passing yards, 1,275 rushing, total: 5,025 becoming only the second QB to amass over 5,000 in a season (Manziel was the first). 

willshire58's picture

I was a bit shocked that Archie wasn't in the top 5 in career touchdowns. Did they not score as much back then?

Oyster's picture

Pete was a ball hog at the goal line...

Estrada's picture

Yeah, Archie got the yards while Pete got the TDs (as Woody usually opted to give the ball to the big FBs near the goal, as Oyster noted).

Bigbutterbuckeye's picture

"Michael Bennett starred in the 1971 film, Shaft."
 
Shut your mouth!

doodah_man's picture

...but I'm talkin about Shaft...

Jim "DooDah" Day
It is hard to play dirty against a man who picks you up.

niblick's picture

If Philly Brown duplicates last year’s 60-catch season, he’d finish his career fifth in on the all-time OSU receptions list, with 142 — two ahead of Santonio Holmes and trailing only Gary Williams (154), Michael Jenkins (165), Cris Carter (168), and David Boston (191).
 
If Dontre Wilson does in fact see significant playing time this year as a freshman, you can get ready to watch Boston's record get smoked before D1 leaves Columbus.

ChazBuckeye's picture
  • Adolphus Washington is half grizzly bear and half dragon.

As soon as I read that I automatically thought of this next...sorry off topic, but amusing.

Some people think we’re the hunted.I don’t feel that way at all.We’re the hunter.Everybody wants an angry football team.Everybody wants a team on edge and a hungry team.If you’re a hunter,that usually equates to being hungry.

pjtobin's picture

This was a very entertaining article. I enjoyed it from start to end. Including the comments. Thank you all for making my Monday not suck so much!

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

Mirror Lake Jump's picture

Knowing the Ryan Shazier could kill me physically and defeat me physiologically is terrifying.

MN Buckeye's picture

Great article, Michael! You have inspired me to go for a Ph.D. in Vogon poetry. Do you know of any schools that offer one?

cinserious's picture

Not only are both Corey Browns from Pennsylvania, but both are majoring in criminology.

Only one has a cool name though. 'Pittsburgh' Brown just doesn't  have the same ring to it.

"Get him a body bag, Yeah!"