Birth Names Die With You, Nicknames Last Forever

By Jeff Beck on March 14, 2013 at 12:00p
35 Comments

I’m sure some of you have already heard the big “nickname talk” around these parts over the last few days.

Anthony Fiato ApprovesThese nicknames come mob boss approved.

If you haven’t, let me fill you in.

Before the 2011 season, OSU had a pretty crowded backfield. At that time, our own Johnny gave each RB a wrestling nickname and posed the question:

“In a five-way Rage in the Cage match between OSU running backs, who emerges victorious?”

Carlos Hyde’s label stuck, and from that point on he was forever known among the 11W community as EL GUAPO!!!

As of yesterday, Hyde chose to publicly recognize the moniker himself, changing his Twitter handle to @El_Guapo34.

The moment it happened, "In Da Club" switched on at 11W HQ as champagne bottles were popped in jubilation. Let’s be honest, a player choosing to address the world via 140 characters using the name we created is pretty legit.

Amidst the revelry I began thinking: is there a nickname potential for any other players on this Buckeye roster?

The answer to that is unequivocally yes, and to address that issue we must first turn to an outfit that is almost as good at organized crime as they are at handing out nicknames: the mob.

Back in January 2010, the FBI made the largest mafia bust in New York history, taking down over 100 individuals

Sure the FBI got organized crime off the streets, but more importantly, the crackdown unlocked a treasure trove of nicknamery that may rival the bust itself.

Sifting through some of the favorites from the article, I was able to pin a few of them on current Buckeyes. Will any of them stick? Probably not. Will you have fun reading about them anyway? I sure hope so.

Player: Jordan Hall
Mob Nickname: "The Vet"
Why: Hall is entering his fifth year at Ohio State after being granted a medical redshirt last season. Can’t wait to see the wily veteran pull moves like this then make opposing players kiss his ring as they lie on the ground defeated.

Player: Bradley Roby
Mob Nickname: “Beach”
Why: Facing Roby as an opposing WR is no walk on the ________. Also, beaches have sand. So do islands. Coincidence?

Player: Braxton Miller
Mob Nickname: “Tony Bagels”
Why: He runs circles around ‘em. Then he hits the hole.

Player: C.J. Barnett
Mob Nickname: “Hootie”
Why: It’s the noise this player’s wind made when it was forcefully ejected from his lungs.

Player: Chris Carter
Mob Nickname: “Meatball”
Why: Carter lost a ton of weight under Mickey Marotti’s training regimen so I assure you this is all in jest. It’s kind of like calling the guy who used to have a ton of pimples “Pizza Face Malone”. It’s funny because it used to be true. Need evidence:

Meaty

Player: Joe Burger
Mob Nickname: “Burger” or “Joe Burger”
Why: No explanation needed. The LB out of Cincinnati was born with a mob name. Moving on.

Burger

Player: Devin Smith
Mob Nickname: “Vinny Carwash”
Why: Devin could be shortened to Vinny. Add the fact that he cleans up passes that looked pretty dirty coming in and you have “Vinny Carwash”.

Player: Ryan Shazier
Mob Nickname: “Junior Lollipops”
Why: He hands out lollipops and other things. And he’s generally out of lollipops.

Player: Kenny Guiton
Mob Nickname: “The Professor”
Why: If he's not already, the kid should be giving lectures around campus regarding what it means to stand and deliver.

Player: Christian Bryant 
Mob Nickname: “Mush”
Why: Because Taylor Martinez’s night just turned to it.

 

35 Comments

Comments

BuddhaBuck's picture

Can you get Coach Drayton's input on the nicknames? He was laugh-out-loud good on the Ohio State All-Access bit.
Exhibit A) Orhian "FLAVA FLAV" Johnson

Don't text while driving.

Baroclinicity's picture

I know it's football only, but Aaron Craft should be "Cheeks".

When you're holding a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Scott's picture

Cheeks McGillicutty.

Class of 2008

gravey's picture

Craft is "Babyface Finster" (from Bugs Bunny fame)
 

Grayskullsession's picture

Kenny Guiton should be "Jazz Hands"

"if irony were made of strawberries, we' d all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now."

Colorado Buckeye's picture

how is there not a GIF of this floating around yet???

Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever!

topher3003's picture

My friends and I always refer to Kenny G as Kenny "The Guillotine" Guiton.  He's only in play for a short period of time, but he's always deadly.

Colorado Buckeye's picture

love it.... and when his college career is over, with a name like that he could head over to the WWE :)

Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever!

IBleedSandG's picture

That's an instant classic right there!

We don't give a damn for the whole state of Michigan, we're from O-HI-O!

trasch_man's picture

I like the idea of Kenny G being referred to as "Smooth Jazz". It has a nice ring to it.

Colorado Buckeye's picture

and the pic of this is just so awesome... he already has his 1st album cover ready to go!

Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever!

1MechEng's picture

All I know is that one of the kickers WILL be named "Sunshine".

BucksfanXC's picture

I know you were sticking to that list you linked, but you missed an opportunity to name J.Hall something like "The Foot" or "TwinkleToes" or "The Glass Slipper"
Bradley "The Robber" Roby
CJ Barnett is the "Lawn Mower" because he cuts up the yard, or the "Weed Whacker" cuz he trims the edges.
 
 

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

Jeff Beck's picture

Those are all strong to very strong. Particularly J. Hall as "The Foot".

Earle's picture

Better than "The Scoop", I guess.

Italics are for emphasis.

BucksfanXC's picture

See I thought Glass Slipper was better than just The Foot, but I was pretty proud of all of them.
I really like the Guillotine for Kenny G.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

buckeye76BHop's picture

Loved this....more please;-)

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
"I love football. I think it is most wonderful game in world and I despise to lose."
Woody Hayes 1913 - 1987 

FLBuckeye's picture

My favorite was Vinny Carwash

Torpedo Vegas's picture

Bradley Roby will always be Roby One (rhymes with Obi Wan Kenobi) to me.

MediBuck's picture

My ceremonial warcry for whenever El Guapo rumbles for yet another will-breaking first down is ROLL HYDE!! My roommates (none of whom are OSU fans) hate me each autumn.

"There is a force that makes us all brothers, no one goes his way alone." --Woody Hayes

toad1204's picture

It appears one of your roommates found 11w voting priviledges. 

Nothing like dancing on the field in 02... 

20sider's picture

Imagine how great this would be if we were rolling over the Sabans and we got to yell "ROLL HYDE!!" for each of his 3 TD rumbles!
I like.

GO BUCKS!

Colorado Buckeye's picture

this may be the most brilliant idea I have ever heard!!! I'm totally practicing my chant at this very moment... Jesus hurry up and get hear already college football season :)

Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever!

misterpants's picture

Well done. Your next mission is to get Philly Brown to accept the nickname "Philly Brown."

osu07asu10's picture

i enjoy the nickname Philly (and Pittsburgh) because it is one of the last marks Tress had on the team. I remember when he came up with it and it stuck.

 

"They don't know what they don't know." - Coach Mick

Doc's picture

Funny shit!  Vinny Carwash is my favorite

"Say my name."

captain obvious's picture

El Guapo for Heisman

I'm a friend of thunder is it any wonder lightning strikes me

osu07asu10's picture

haha isn't Kenny G kinda a nickname in and of itself for Guiton?

"They don't know what they don't know." - Coach Mick

BuckeyeNationProblems's picture

Every kicker is sunshine. 

Matt

Squirrel Master's picture

I always thought it should be Amadeo "hey moe" Della Valle.

I think Spence needs a nickname. How about "The Ark"? Cause if you are not on board, you are going to drown! (Bad pun but if we can find the right one, it fits).

Or "cause sacks come in pairs!"

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

Colorado Buckeye's picture

it makes absolutely no sense... but Braxton as Tony Bagels just made me laugh!

Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever!

bigbadbuck's picture

Christian Bryant's name after THAT hit should be "road stop"

Battles are sometimes won by generals; wars are nearly always won by sergeants and privates. Football is no different, the guys down in the trenches win the games, not the coach.            

osubuckeye4life's picture

I got some nicknames for the units.
 
For the secondary, the ever popular. NO FLY ZONE! Roby Wan Kenobi, Christian "The Wood" Bryant, Doran "the silent assassin" Grant, CJ "the cruise missle" Barnett and lots of piranhas fighting for playing time.
For the linebackers, the wrecking crew. The biggest question mark going into the season. RDS is a one man wrecking crew himself. However, we don't know about the other guys. Lots of potential though.
For the d line, "Juggernaut", a literal or metaphorical force regarded as mercilessly destructive and unstoppable. There are three alpha dogs leaving, however those young pups are HUNGRY!
For the back field on offense. The Hydra. A multiple headed rushing force. Xbrax360, El Guapo, Hot Rod (man he needs a better nickname), etc. This backfield makes opposing d coordinators wake up in hot sweats and loose sleep. 
 

dtanmango's picture

lol Joe Burger

-dtan