You have 48 hours1 to tell us what's being kept in this van. The top submission will win a shirt from 11W Dry Goods. Go!
- 1 Contest ends at 11:30pm ET on Friday, May 18th. Must be 18 years or older. Yada yada yada...
PHONE'S RINGING -- IT'S URBAN ON THE LINE
•Football Schedule•Basketball Schedule•Forum•About•Contact
11W Poll
Buckshots
Buckshots Block
-
Bielema Proposes Rule Change to Slow Down No-Huddle Offenses
"Woah, slow down, buddy. Let's savor that first down for a while."
-
Gene Smith Named to NCAA Council of Athletic Directors
Group will meet regularly with NCAA president Mark Emmert.
-
Matt Hayes' Ten 2013 Season Storylines That Don't Involve The SEC
1. Ohio State-Michigan.
-
Wilson Recaps Ohio State Visit
2014 cornerback Quincy Wilson talks about his recent visit to Ohio State.
-
VIDEO: Rich Rodriguez Makes a Fine Sheriff
No words. Okay, maybe just a few.
-
Ohio State's "Be the Best Man" Doctrine
Who knew Urban Meyer had rules for his players?
Recent Blog Posts
- The Time Traveler: Analysis of Anger
- Gee, by the numbers
- Heritage and Tradition Revisited
- Would you let your kids go to scum?
- Field of Dreams, Buckeye Football, and Father's Day
- Johns Hopkins to the Big Ten from JHU President Ronald Daniels
- Meanwhile, at Penn State...
- I always thought the SEC was a Conference.... Has it morphed into something before unseen?
- Gordon Gee is Ohio State's Joe Paterno
- Perkins officially leaving OSU
Active in the Forum
- Curtis Samuel Update
- Top 3 coaches not named Saban or Meyer
- Update on 2014 QB Situation
- Rich Rod LMAO
- Odd/Interesting Historical Facts
- Quick Bits 6/18 (Demetrius Knox names a leader)
- Derrick Green development
- Thad Offers #2 National 2015 Player
- 11W Community Interview Questions For Sean Nuernberger
- B1G APR Scores
- NBA Finals
- Knox: "UCLA is Leader"
- The Shoe #1 stadium in the B1G
- Ohio State misses out on a pair of transfers?
- Aaron Hernandez's home searched after killing
Want to say hello?
We love hearing from you! Whether you want to work with us, discuss advertising opportunities, or pass us a hot tip, you're more than welcome to drop us a line.
Comments
quick question: where did you find the van?
/Duff'd It
Sorry. I should have included that. I found it at r/cfb.
ESPN Executives in black suits.
The souls of all of the "medical hardships."
^ Winner
"Because we couldn't go for three"
Nothin' but SEC SPEED in that van. And by speed I mean meth. Lots and lots of meth.
"buckeyechad on 16 May 2012 - 11:41pm #
Nothin' but SEC SPEED in that van. And by speed I mean meth. Lots and lots of meth."
hahahaaaa
"You win with people." - Woody Hayes
Meth, with a side of grits.
Cam Newton's Case Files
Cam Newton's bag man.
Bama Fax Machine Girl
Les Miles secret decoder ring
Cecil Newton and Herbie's souls
Saban's elevator shoes
Spurrier's shirt
Richt's hot seat
pork rinds
Missouri's ninth life
Tim Tebow's virginity
vaseline
a Faulkner novel
and a copy of Tom Emanski's Defensive Drills
vacuuming sucks
2 shay'
I don't always take names when I kick ass but when I do, they most often belong to a Wolverine.
You have a great sense of humor Maestro, and a creative mind.
My entry: Jorts and a fake mullet.
"Political correctness is tyranny with manners." Charlton Heston(1924-2008)
++++
I mean...you got my vote Maestro.
The world is full of kings & queens who'll blind your eyes & steal your dreams - it's heaven & hell - Ronnie James Dio.
Thanks folks, humbled.
vacuuming sucks
Spit coffee on my computer screen at the Tom Emanski one, that's just priceless
When told OSU set school record for 50+ games this year, UFM said "That's good. We're gonna break that next year."
Fulmer cups and meddling kids.
That's the van that Kentucky, Vanderbilt, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, Ole Miss, and Miss State fans use to attend BCS National Championship games. The vehicle needs work to be driveable. They're willing to part with it for $200.
#fistpumpgobuckeyes
I hope it's Charles Robinson.
Kidnapped ESPN personalities, who they have replaced with robots programmed to spread SEC propaganda. Or meth. Maybe Bo Crowder is running protection for Mike Silve?
I wouldn't cheer for Michigan if they were playing the Taliban.
All the loopholes in NCAA bylaws that can be exploited.
This is where the SEC keeps Joe Schad until they need him to come out and cover up any issues.
GO BUCKS
enough meth to send four sec teams to a 4 team BS national title playoff and make mark may realise how many times Lou Holtz kicked his ass with words, plus a spare tire with a jack and a beer.
O H I O is the Buckeye State
A top secret team employed by The SEC that neuralyzes anyone with potentially damaging information and dispatches them accordingly to wipe out their memory and replace it with a new one.
that is wayyyy too complicated for the SEC
"What do you need water for, Sunshine?!" - Coach Coombs, if you don't love this man, you have no soul.
The SEC asked me to tell you that they have never, ever used that flashy thing on any of you, or on the Infractions Committee at the NCAA. Never. Ever.
The recruits they get rid of due to their poor math skills!!! (Oversigning)
Since I live in Sec Territory I can tell you...(1) ugly female graduate assistants, (2) Stockpiles of HGH and steroids, (3) printable online degrees (of course for the small price of $29.99), (4) Ohio born coaches hog tied and transported to coach SEC teams. (5) NCAA rule book with all loopholes geared to keeping the SEC from getting into any trouble. (6) Underhand contracts with the BCS to keep all major bowl games below the mason dixie line in order that the SEC may keep their domanance, (7) A couple tractors, cotton gin, and some hog head cheese.
All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
The world will never know because whatever it is, is moving to fast to be seen.
I don't always take names when I kick ass but when I do, they most often belong to a Wolverine.
++++
"What do you need water for, Sunshine?!" - Coach Coombs, if you don't love this man, you have no soul.
Jim Delany's Common Sense
Craig James' 5 dead hookers!!
^+1,000,000.
If only it was an SMU van instead of SEC.
I wouldn't cheer for Michigan if they were playing the Taliban.
Craig James son
Muck Fichigan
Lots and lots of cash.
Bobby Petrino's mistresses and (wrecked) motorcycles
Class of 2010.
Only the finest Crimson Tide Teabags.
I hope those are not bullet-holes on the side of the "limo."
Tom Crean listens to Nickelback...
Herbsteit's cosmetics?
Obviously Bobby Petrino trolling in his free candy van for "recruiting assistants"
"You're pissed because we went after a committed guy? Guess what, we got 9 guys who better go do it again," said Meyer. "Do it a little harder next time."
That's one of the vans teams use to travel to away games. Then a shell shaped like a nice, fancy bus is dropped over top of it, much like a float in a parade.
"Anything easy ain't worth a damn." - Wayne Woodrow Hayes
In the same way Davy Jones is a bitter, yet invulnerable being because his heart is locked in a small box and the key thrown to the winds, Mike Slive is a crooked genius because his heart is locked inside a simply-marked white van and told to drive as far north, and, consequentially, as far away from Mike Slive as possible.
Nicholas Eckert
vidstudent
Herbicide, Tea Bags, Mens Suits, Lap Top Computers, SAM Vouchers, Medical Hardship Waivers, and assorted other items that appeal to your typical SEC fan. Kind of like a diner on wheels with an all SEC menu.
It's just a normal ESPN van.
The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender. - Woody Hayes
Jerry Sandusky's portable locker room kit
Nick Porter
All Broad Street (1989 & 1990)
Hey there 5-star recruit with a 610 SAT score....want some candy?
Bobby Petrino's neck brace.
Jerry Sandusky
The ending of the SEC Dominance as it shifts to the B1G (well OSU)
Big foot
When a player turns down all bribes to attend an SEC school the conference uses this van to kidnap the young mans family, hog ties them, blindfolds and holds them for ransom until the kid signs his letter of intent. Only then will their loved ones be released.
The Paul Finebaum circle jerk rendezvous with special guests Danny Sheridan, Tim Brando, Gary Danielson, and Harvey Updyke.
Tony Barnhart wants to join that circle.
may they all jerk and simultaneously pat Vern Lundquist on his 1/2 bald head.
What's inside that van, you ask? 57 IQ points.
What's a-Matta with you?
So you are assuming that it's a 12 passenger van filled to capacity with SEC fans and/or "student" athletes....
Nfl agents to take kids to partys!!!!
One of two things: either a poorly setup meth lab or the bomb they asked me to build. I took their plutonium and, in turn, gave them a shoddy bomb casing full of used pinball machine parts.
{crosses fingers. Hopes Sara is the lead in this vote}
Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless.
Great Scott!!
It's an SEC van full of crack scientists testing the concept that there are no roads outside the south, thus promoting their stance on no road games during the regular season.
To err is human. Really sucking requires having yellow stripes on your helmet.
18 passengers, but will be down to 15 before they leave
++++
The world is full of kings & queens who'll blind your eyes & steal your dreams - it's heaven & hell - Ronnie James Dio.
So much win.
"You're pissed because we went after a committed guy? Guess what, we got 9 guys who better go do it again," said Meyer. "Do it a little harder next time."
Cecil Newtons traveling gospel called 'Save Every Child'.
Its just a mere coincidence.
The Illicit Urb,that has been cast upon us.May God forgive those what done it.GO BUCKS!
I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.
Jim Delaney is in there. He's being held down and made to eat the rancid feces of laughing ADs from other conferences. He's naked in a corner except for a crown of roses and a sash that reads, "Miss Pacedina." The pile of cash he's sitting on - he gets to keep that.
I guess all of you think this is a big joke - but the "Family Contract" has been stolen & that van was last seen speeding away from Columbus...It is believed that the Honey Badger was sent in to pull this job...as you may have heard - Honey Badger take what he want.
No contract = no center field = end of world. Maybe the Mayans were onto something. Damn you SEC...Damn you!
The world is full of kings & queens who'll blind your eyes & steal your dreams - it's heaven & hell - Ronnie James Dio.
This van is coming back from the SEC coaches mistresses conference. For some reason Arkansas was not in attendance.
Thats the Sexual Education Comittee van, going from town to town teaching kids about date rape the hard way. Oh... and they also pass out free candy.
The van contains the three remaining fans of SEC teams that refuse to go to blogs and chats exhorting the majesty of the "SEC" as the ultimate conference. They will be taken into the swamps of Louisiana where they will become gator bait.
Slive fake chowing Mark May
/yes I know what fake chowing is
/I still think it applies
Not Books
Unless..
It's filled with replacement national championship trophies. The van is dispatched to Wal-Marts to replace broken trophies that are dropped by unwashed SEC fans.
The last six MNC trophies and our dignity.
The league's graduates all get one to live in DOWN BY THE RIVER!!
Long live Chris Farley!
This is clearly Bobby Patrino's Bang Bus!
Nick Saban: "Dammit - your 4-star high school legend pedigree doesn't cut it here in Tuscaloosa. Somebody break this kids kneecaps before I do it myself"
Graduate Asst Coach: "Yes Sir" [whack, whack, whack]
4-Star Player: [Screams of terror & excrutiating pain]
Saban: "Sorry son, looks like your football career has ended with a tragic knee injury. Accept this Medical Hardship as a thank you for your hard work over the past 2 weeks."
4-Star Player: [Vomitting & on the cusp of passing out]
Saban: "Somebody get that F*#%&@ng Oversigning Van in this damn parking lot pronto. We should have that Taylor kid from Atlanta in there...he's been tied up and gagged for months in that hot mess, and should be itching to play some football for the Crimson Tide"
All the kids who Saban cut in the offseason. There are actually multiple vans.
#oversigning
Gene Smith.
GO BUCKS!!
------------------------------------------------------------
"The height of human desire is what wins, whether it's on Normandy Beach or in Ohio Stadium." ~Woody Hayes~
Big Perm..... I mean, Big Worm. Wearing a "Roll Tide" shirt.
A new experimental visor that will contain Steve Spurrier's ego. Also, Nick Saban's shame is in the ashtray.
Jim Tressel's missing underwear.
"It's just another case of there you are". ~ Doc (1918-2012)
SEC Underpants Gnomes are known to be the fastest in the business.
Lane Kiffin's family, which he traded for the head coaching job at USC after hearing what REALLY goes on at those Matt Leinhart hot tub parties.
The van is driving from university to university peddling Speed ... SEC Speed to be precise.
JT
You guys are overthinking this. It's nuthin' but some fishin' rods, some empty paint cans, and a couple uh shotguns. See, we're gonna hook the fish, then shoot 'em when they get close. Then we carry 'em back to the van with tha cans.
It's the SEC Wonderlic Shortbus
I have been known on occasion to howl at the moon. - Crash Davis
this van comes equipped with built in telephone books so saban can see while he drives, SEC speed holes on both sides (as shown in picture), roof rack for transport/dumping of oversigned injured players, 5* safety rated roll tide cage, 26 les miles to the gallon, chris berman front seats that might go all the way back, S E C chant horn, medical supplies and spare motorcycle parts, "complimentary" (not stolen) laptops for every passenger, this and more can be yours for a mere $180,000-contact cecil newton @555-555-CASH ext. for-my-son
I know there's a game saturday, and my ass will be there.
That is Mike Slive's company car.
The payoff money to Texas A&M and Mizzou in exchange for their hopes and dreams of ever becoming conference leaders.
We should strive to keep thy name, of fair repute and spotless fame...
(Also, I'm not a dude)
All the knowledge of every football player in the SEC. COMBINED.
"Hey, Ma! Come lookey here at this fancy done decal this guy put on the door of his van! Ah shoot, I'd carry a toad in my buttcrack for 2 weeks to have som'n like that. Too bad my van's missin' that door. Hey, Ma, you think they carry 'em at the Walmart? Hell I'll just run in real quick and ask Roxanne at the front."
Alabama's National Championship Trophy
Muck Fichigan
That van holds the epicenter of strategic scholarship roster management, otherwise known as 'oversigning'.
The van contains all SEC players who could locate their home state on a map without using google maps
When told OSU set school record for 50+ games this year, UFM said "That's good. We're gonna break that next year."
A turfgrass smoothie for Les...
And the usual for Nick, 40 virgins.
You might be wondering if any other coaches have anything in there; but in the SEC, if you ain't elite, you ain't shit.
Petrino's mistress.
Bow Wow Wow Yippy Yo Yippy Yay...
50 Saban Sex Slaves and Hair Products
Speed
Greg Jennings "I put my team on my back"
Brady Hoke's lunch when we makes visits down south. Sushi En Cookies
Nick Saban's heart.
Kids who have been released from their scholarships due to oversigning.
Ralph Nader.
I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault.
JACK TATUM
Stencil for the SEC logo.
Go Bucks!
The van is the rapid-response Tree Doctor mobile. Equipped with arborist, poison control unit, vandalism investigation unit, Pressurized Injection Kit, and a Student-Athlete Development Coordinator who is usually just along for the ride.
Hot air.
bear bryant's frozen head
Pure, unadulterated evil...and grits.
Secondary violations.
Major violations ride in a tour bus.
(To be read like Dr. Suess)
It's just a simple van, it hold one singular man
Nothing to see here, please don't look in the rear
There is no mystical machine that travels from campus to campus
Feeding on the souls of the oh so fast and not so fastidious
Contrary to popular belief it's not 'The Cheat' that drives
It's the slippery, slimey, sneaky Mr. Slive
And to all the southern states he'll bring a joyous spike
To disstract from the diabetes, heart disease and the like
So please there's no need or reason to offend
It's just one singular man in one singular van bringing a means to an end
funny
vacuuming sucks
Thanks dude! I like think of the SEC as cartoonish. It makes me feel like their accomplishments are less real.
That van was the grand prize awarded to the person who could come up with a chant to be used at any and all SEC sporting events.
The winning entry went something like this: "S-E-C, S-E-C!"
An autographed copy of Oversigning for Dummies: How to pull the wool over recruits, their parents and ESPN's eyes signed by Houston Nutt, Bobby Petrino and Gene Chizik.
vacuuming sucks
There's something in there for every school:
what's in the van? Speed, obviously
the kids are playing their tail off, and the coaches are screwing it up! - JLS
Alabama's replacement National Championship trophy.
Pix of NCAA, BCS, and ESPN execs. in compromising situations.
Textbooks, Videos, and "Supplements" from Jamaican track team speed training
And J Edgar Hoover in a cryogenic tank.
SEC Speed - The only thing in the universe faster than Plaid.
-The Aristocrats!
Switching to Secret Hyperjets. Buckle up back there, we're going into hyperactive.
We're going to have to go right to ludicrous speed.
John L Smith's baggage
or
196 copies of Kicking Field Goals for Dummies for every player on LSU and Alabama's teams.
We should strive to keep thy name, of fair repute and spotless fame...
(Also, I'm not a dude)
Trick question. The van is always empty.
It's the vehicle Alabama uses to transport its academic all-americans to the annual conference awards banquet.
if i knew how to link images, this contest would be over.
nonetheless, it's probably betty white driving. that bitch is everywhere these days.
clayton bigsby is riding shotgun. he hates them. they stink.
mark may and nick saban were initially in the two rear passenger seats. however, they have since moved to the back of the van. may is giving saban a ZJ. if you don't know what a ZJ is, you can't afford it.
hgvyt54trtfvt56
Nice one, Barry Badrinath.
i forgot to mention that, in the glove compartment, there's an empty Chik-Fil-A wrapper encasing what's left of Herbstreit's integrity.
hgvyt54trtfvt56
An accumulation of all the viewers for the last MNC game.
I don't always take names when I kick ass but when I do, they most often belong to a Wolverine.
Nick Saban's platform orthopedic shoes
Fan of bacon since 1981
Shrine to Dale Earnhardt. That is all
It's filled with Ex-SEC football players. This was a prison transfer.
Pant legs of all the jeans-turned-jorts.
++++
The world is full of kings & queens who'll blind your eyes & steal your dreams - it's heaven & hell - Ronnie James Dio.
i hope they don't find mark richt in here!
/Duff'd It
The Arkansas shaggin' wagon hosted by yours truly, Robert Petrino.
The Colonel's Secret Recipe.
That picture is actually a couple years old. Its the van that Alabama used to transport Terrence Cody's jockstrap.
Hopefully the models form the snorg tees advertisement on this page. The chicks all look like they've got downs.
Dustin Fox was our leading tackler as a corner.... because his guy always caught the ball.
A pair of binoculars used for trailing Ohio Urban.
also
a cb, a fake mustache, an eye patch, a sun faded 1997 Auto-Trader, 5 empty skoal cans, a Dale Jarrett ball cap and a pile of losing scratch-off lotto tickets.
CRAIG JAMES AT THE WHEEL WITH THE BODIES OF FIVE DEAD HOOKERS AND MARK MAY WEARING WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR TIED UP IN THE BACK
Brady Hoke's Chick Fil-A order
That van was Houston Nutt's going-away present when he was let go from Ole Miss.
* The van is actually not an SEC van. It is the new method of transportation for the "Penn State Recruiting Caravan Tour", which new coach Bill O'Brien has started. They traded their previous van for this sick ride at an Odessa Auto Auction in the deep South. Straight up. They have just not had time to do the new paint job: (removing the outdated SEC logos and replacing them with the PSU logos on the sides.) They've been busy deciding on a QB, of course....too much moxy makes a decision difficult!
NOTE: The previous van was a 1980-something Econo-Creep Van with the painted fantasy mural on the windows. Not creepy at all or anything. Jay Pa used to drive this vehicle while McQueary rode shotgun, and Jerry Sandusky sat in the back, riding bitch, handing out candy. Here is a picture of the previous coaching regime's van:
"You win with people." - Woody Hayes
It's just another SEC van from another SEC state dropping off another SECS offender to mess up our recruiting.
The Bang Bros of course! Speaking of violations...
"There's a fine line between stupid, and....clever. David St. Hubbins/Nigel Tufnel
The reanimated corpse of Bowman Crowder. Mike Silve decided to reincarnate him so he could play running back for UK again.
I wouldn't cheer for Michigan if they were playing the Taliban.
Needless to say, I had a little time on my hands these last couple days at work:
Items in the SEC van
The van carries a suitcase from each school. The contents of each suitcase (The order is set using Slive’s mnemonic to help him memorize what schools are in his conference)
Fast- Florida : Scrap book of Urban Meyer’s Tenure with hearts around each picture, Book on how to let relationships go, a Kilo of Weed, Tebow’s Virginity, Arrogance
Girls – Georgia: Pooper scooper, A book (hollowed out with candy inside), Swamp Gas
Love – Lousiana: A Hat, A book on offense with an inch of dust on top, Timeouts
My – Mississippi State: Castrated Bull Penis, that’s it.
Creepy – Carolina: Cash, for the players and the NCAA, A Redskins Helmet used by the fans to kick him out of the stadium
Van – Vanderbilt: Inferiority complex, An SEC degree that matters, A proud display of a ticket from every bowl game, all five of them. A love letter to Missouri, thanking them for taking over the “last in conference” role.
And – Alabama: Scholarships, pages and pages of them. A 4 star player tucked into the side pocket, Medical hardship waiver, pages and pages of them, and a can of herbicide.
Are – Arkansas: Motorcyle parts, Petrino’s dignity, divorce papers, resume wrapped in a thong and smelling like perfume,
Oddly – Ole Miss: Dictionary with “WIN” scribbled next to the definition of fun (sorry boys its hard to make fun of ole miss)
Anxious – Auburn: A check stub worth $40,000 addressed to Cam Cecil Newton.
To – Texas Tech: Keys labeled for “the hot box”. A book titled “I wish I was a Longhorn, how to cope with being second fiddle, by Michigan State.”
Tickle – Tennessee: A poster board with pictures of Lane Kiffin carved up and defaced in red ink. A Sock. Just One.
My – Missouri: A printout of their Wikipedia description their football program, all ¼ of a page.
Kyphorrhinos – Kentucky: A basketball. Candy Bars, junk food, and fries.
"What do you need water for, Sunshine?!" - Coach Coombs, if you don't love this man, you have no soul.
A mathematical formula proving that Forrest Gump's IQ is higher than the combined IQ of current Alabama football players (Bubba's, too). Roll damn tide!
What's in this VAN?
Promisary notes to Georgia Tech & Tulane.
A Sewanee Severance Package from 1940.
Arkansas' funds raised during a Charity Poker ride.
A Signed Jordan Jefferson Mug shot.
University of Georgia's taxodermist.
A box of discontinued Adolph Rupp bobbleheads.
A Houston Nutt guide to recruiting.
A Cloning Machine.
A Box of Self-Righteous Bumper Stickers.