Monday Skull Session

By DJ Byrnes on January 30, 2012 at 6:00a
my girlfriend has the softest hair in the world. my girlfriend is also my cat. donate ur gold coins to a cause a lot of people put a lot of work into (we promise we won't snitch to the NCAA investigators) ------------------------>

ALL HAIL THE MASTER PURVEYOR OF RAW TALENT, URBAN MEYER. I know I have said this, but damnit, I'm going to say it again. I have yet to see any of this man's recruits play football for Ohio State, but as a fan of awesome names, I am already a huge fan of his work. "Adolphus Wahington", "Noah Spence" and now he's brought an "Armani Reeves" into the ranks, defeating Michigan for the former Penn State recruit's commitment? I definitely subscribe to "names mean a lot in athletics" school of thought. I don't even need to see this Armani to know he is a better player than anybody named "Doug". At this rate, I'll be talked into "Ohio State is going undefeated and beating everybody in the Big 10 by sixty" by early March. Hell, I may already be there. This is all especially exciting because Ohio State now employs a coach who will award playing time based on merit alone, so there's a chance we will see a lot of these guys very soon. 

 JIM TRESS, LOOPHOLE SURFER? H/T to reader Dan S. for passing this along: ESPN's talking head, Adam Schefter, (he's the one usually talking to you from in front of his home's bookshelf) tweeted speculation of Jim Tressel returning to the college ranks of as an administrator, even possibly at Ohio State. 

While I agree with's John Taylor, a reunion at Ohio State sounds unlikely given Tressel's acrimonious dismissal, I must admit it'd be a (somewhat) hilarious troll-gambit by Gene Smith in an effort to stick it to the NCAA without fear of reprisal. It's the least Smith could give Ohio State fans, since the last year of his tenure has been abject failure on all fronts. 

 MICHIGAN GOT WHOOPED. The Armani Reeves announcement came on the heels of Ohio State's men's basketball team dismantling the men's basketball team from some broke ass state north of the border. (Making their tears delightful.) I tried to watch this game, college basketball fans, I really did. I made it to halftime, which is about 19 minutes and 55 seconds more than I usually give to college basketball not occuring in the month of March. The saddest part wasn't even Michigan (the 20th best team in the country, apparently) only being able to muster a pitiful 21 points in 20 minutes of basketball. Whoever was in charge of the arena announcer-led "O-H", "I-O" chant during a referee review in yesterday's game should be fired... and I mean everybody. 

Look, the "O-H", "I-O" chant is stupid. I cringe every time a middle aged dude who's pathetically drunk after an afternoon of casually drinking six Yuenglings yell it at me while I'm standing on the corner waiting for the traffic police to be gracious enough to allow me to cross the street in their presence. It's unseemly, and if I never heard that chant again, it'd increase my Ohio State fandom by at least 13%. If this horrifying blunder doesn't get Gene Smith fired, then I may have no choice but to plant heroin in his car and snitch him out to the police, just to see if Gordon Gee would even care. (#LIFEHACK: Never underestimate what a Marionaire can arrange with a simple phone call.) Honestly, Gee would probably make a call to the state attorney's office and get the whole thing pled down to six months house arrest and allow Smith to work from home. 

and yeah, ppl apparently take fashin advice from this guy or something? idk, im confused. UM FANS DISTRAUGHT ARMANI CHOSE THE OLENTANGY.

 THE NCAA IS TERRIBLE. My hate for the NCAA is well documented. I look forward to the day the glorified tax shelter that is the NCAA is nothing more than an anecdote on "How crazy things used to be," that I'll some day tell my fictional grandkids about. 

Have the powers-to-be heard my stream-of-consciousness, grammatically flawed ramblings over the internet? Perhaps. The NCAA has announced they will hold a conference this summer looking at, as they so eloquently put it, "the way in which Division I is organized for the purposes of making decisions." As for Exhibit 1A) in my case against the NCAA and its bullshit, Your Honor, I present that last sentence. 

​It's 2012. Sorry bout'cha, NCAA, but the gig is up. Tragically, there's no time to get together and hodgepodge over $800 bottles of Tequila while talking about how your tax evasion scheme is "organized for the purposes of making decisions." And this is stuff being lauded by the media as "change"? When people who are financially benefiting off the current system are in charge of bringing change to the system, one would be forced to ask if those people are the best gatekeepers of such change. (Namely, more money going to the athletes risking bodily injury and chronic dehibilitation for our entertainment, and less of it to guys who look like Gio Armani over there with his balls swangin' low.)

 CHARLIE WEIS HAS RELEASED HIS HOSTAGE. Another cool feature about the NCAA is even though scholarships are year-by-year, kids can't leave even after they've completed their contract. Their coach can literally keep players' eligibility against their will. There have been a couple of other examples of this around the country, but Charlie Weis was perfectly cast to play the asshole coach usually required to advance one of these storylines, so much so you can see the enjoyment in his role seeping out of his pores. (*said in my Roger Ebert Autotune Voice*) 

Brock Berglund, who was not associated with the Kansas football team during the 2011 season, wasn't immediately let go of by Weis due to the manner in which Berglund announced his plans to transfer. After people rightly called Weis on his antics, he finally released Berglund, but not before making sure he had the last word by taking potshots at the kid's work ethic. Why would anybody sign up to play for Charlie Weis? And not only that, but to do it in a place like Lawrence, Kansas. (Ol' Gio Armani up there is probably wearing the Speedo to shade his eyes from the Jayhawks' bright future on the gridiron.) *And in worse news, I just used my three Gio Armani jokes for the year and it's not even February yet.*

JERRY SANDUSKY, SOCIOPATH. This week's evidence comes from Sandusky's request to allow him to visit his own grandchildren... wait hold on ... can you guys hear me over all of the power-washing the media is doing of Joe Paterno's legacy now that he's dead? (*Penn State fan banging on his keyboard, "OH YEAH, SMARTGUY? TOO BAD YOU'RE TYPING, SO NOISE WOULDN'T MATTER, THEREFORE THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF YOUR JOKE IS IRRATIONAL. PATERNO RULES."  I may have to ride on this entire situation on Thursday. 

CRAIG JAMES, HOOKER BUTCHER. Pirate Fishing is booming... Smuggling takes down Texas deer breeders... 22 fictional characters you don't know the name of... "The job is death itself"... Cleveland & Cincinnati casino collapses very similiar... Pat Sajak used to krump on Wheel of Fortune... Liverpool paid $30 million dollars for a player based on a fake viral video... Nigeria's Boko Haram killed 935 people since 2009... 

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