Monday Skull Session

By DJ Byrnes on July 18, 2011 at 6:00a
Lindsay Lohan is very excited with reports coming out of Russia.

My internet friends, I bring to you good news. It appears scientists have discovered a new substance that will help us all alleviate the pangs on our soul that only can the weekly shake-down from Monday can bring. Unfortunately, when I say “scientists”, I mean Russian heroin addicts who can no longer afford actual heroin; and when I say “alleviate”, I only mean for (roughly) an hour and a half.

Coming from the Heroin capital of the Ohio—Marion—I’ve learned to never be surprised by the handiness of a man in search of an opiate high. But, as the golden bricked roads of Marion have come to teach me: fiends will never cease to surprise you with their ingenuity.

So what is this gift to the world? A substance known as “Krokodil” or “Crocodile”. What is in this elixir? Any pills containing codeine, dry akali, gasoline, crystalline iodine, red phosphorous, and hydrochloric acid. (Nothing which can’t be found in the average combo meal being pumped into these streets by McDonald’s).

Still not sold? Well, not only are Russian fiends apparently quite industrious, but one could cut their hand on their razor sharp wit. Where does the name “Crocodile” come from? Because after you inject crocodile (which can be injected directly into your flesh), it leaves the skin green and scaly, MUCH LIKE A CROCODILE.

The fun doesn’t end there though, because the green, scaly effect the skin gets is just the beginning. Things get a lot more real when fiends continue to use it, because their skin and tissue--literally--rots away. The average life of a Krokodil user is 2-3 years.

If you’re interested in learning more about this groundbreaking discovery, you can click here, here, or even here. I must warn you though, some of the images contained in these stories are pretty graphic.

Now that I’ve done my Marionaire duty of keeping you all on the cutting edge of the drug game, shall we turn our attention back within our own borders to a little college football? Remember: THERE ARE ONLY A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF DAYS LEFT UNTIL A SACRAFICIAL LAMB NAMED "AKRON" IS SLAUGHTERED AT HIGH NOON IN THE HORSESHOE TO START OSU’S 2011 CAMPAIGN!!!

Some Ohio high school football coaches don’t want to participate in a 21-Shirt-And-Tie salute to fallen comrade Jim Tressel.A high school coach proposed wearing a shirt and a tie during their first game of the season as a way of honoring Jim Tressel. The Ohio High School Coaches Association adopted the measure, but Steve Specht, coach of Cincinnati’s St. Xavier High School, isn’t so sure that’s a good idea.

Am I surprised a guy from Cincinnati is whining against a move of Ohio solidarity? Can’t say that I am.

 Jim Tressel was bad at tattling on himself, long before Jim Tressel was bad at tattling on himself. According to recently released documents, former OSU Athletic Director, Andy Geiger, once rated Jim Tressel “unacceptable” in reporting potential violations to the University/NCAA. At this point, Jim Tressel should probably stop worrying about the NCAA and start worrying about a federal indictement.

Gene Smith hopes Jim Tressel can find another coaching job, if he wants one. It’d be weird seeing Jim Tressel in any other colors than Scarlet and Grey. I’ve seen it speculated that the only place Tressel would ever consider coaching would be at his alma mater, Baldwin Wallace, which would be the most Jim Tressel-like move ever. Personally, I’m still hoping that during the 3rd quarter in the Nebraska game, the Stone Cold Steve Austin anthem kicks on, Tressel storms the field, hits Fickell, Gene Smith, and Gordon Gee with a steel chair, then chugs a Budweiser... all while Jim Ross goes ballistic. My fingers will be crossed from now until then.

Turns out, Brady Hoke was just like every other Michigan fan from Ohio. In this article from Michael Arace of the Columbus Dispatch, warning Ohio State fans not to take Brady Hoke lightly, this gem is buried:

"I like to be different," Hoke said. "All my buddies were Ohio fans. To go against them, I became a Michigan fan. There were a couple of scrapes or near-scrapes or whatever. Those things happen. It was all in good fun."

Finally, a Michigan fan from Ohio comes clean. Is there anything worse than seeing some yokel draped in Michigan stuff walking around Ohio with their chest out? As if the only reason they’re Michigan fans isn’t because they just want to be contrarian and love the attention it generates?

In other Brady Hoke news, Simon Mandel wrote the 10,000th fawning article about Brady Hoke.

If you thought USC stood for the “University of Southern California”, you would be wrong. I don’t follow USC a lot, partly because I hate them, and partly because they’ve been sentenced to NCAA Siberia and aren’t on TV right now. I had never heard of Marc Tyler. He’s apparently a “star” running back at USC? I don’t know if that’s appropriate, but what I do know is that he is now my favorite player from USC for the rest of my life. (Sorry, OJ, but we had a good run. Don't worry though, I still believe in your innocence and your crazy son's guilt in that double murder).

You see, ol’ Marc got caught by TMZ cameras outside a club in LA, and he had clearly been drinking. Even after his friends tried to stop him from going on camera, he finally got his time to shine. And boy, did he shine.

Why do they have so many running backs at USC? Because, along with collecting Heismans, “[they] all gettin' Kim Kardashian.” Who pays better, the USC or the NFL? USC he says, because they’re “breaking bread.” (His friends were very quick to stress it was a joke).

My favorite part, though, comes when he says that U.S.C. stands for the “University of Sexual Ballers.” This education can be yours for a mere $50,000 a year, folks!

South Bend is about to lose the College Football Hall of Fame, and thus, a lot of money. But really, what in the hell was it doing there in the first place? I get it. Notre Dame. They're important, at least that's what their fans will tell you. But the same reason no 18 year old kid wants to spend the prime of his life in South Bend, Indiana, is the same reason they're rightfully losing it now. Sorry, Indiana, but it's true.

My least favorite Wolverine, and by extension, my least favorite human being, was allegedly inducted into the Hall of Fame this weekend. Whatever.

Is paragon Bruce Feldman free from his Robben Island cell? It remains unclear. Political leader Bruce Feldman hasn't tweeted or blogged in five days. He was allegedly suspended by ESPN (who has denied it), which lead to media writers whipping up a firestorm by changing their Twitter avatars to pictures of Bruce and creating Twitter Trending topics. I'm sure Gahdhi is up in heaven smiling at all of this.

Here are some fancy things collected from the deepest pools of the internet. Columbus has a new resident and her name is Casey Anthony - This kid is America - Here is a picture of all three Batman posters spliced together... DO YOU SEE WHAT CHRIS NOLAN DID THERE? - This NYT article will tell you how to stay under off the radar when you're on the lam - Pete Carroll lost the Womens' World Cup yesterday - Cats are awesome - 18 veterans committ suicide every day - Tumblr + Star Wars = Success, Always - Did the Incas "write" with knotted cords? - Art museum security guards? Much more than watchdogs - ALL HAIL KING WARREN G. HARDING, OVERLORD OF EVERYTHING FOREVER

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