Monday Skull Session

By DJ Byrnes on July 18, 2011 at 6:00a
20 Comments
Lindsay Lohan is very excited with reports coming out of Russia.

My internet friends, I bring to you good news. It appears scientists have discovered a new substance that will help us all alleviate the pangs on our soul that only can the weekly shake-down from Monday can bring. Unfortunately, when I say “scientists”, I mean Russian heroin addicts who can no longer afford actual heroin; and when I say “alleviate”, I only mean for (roughly) an hour and a half.

Coming from the Heroin capital of the Ohio—Marion—I’ve learned to never be surprised by the handiness of a man in search of an opiate high. But, as the golden bricked roads of Marion have come to teach me: fiends will never cease to surprise you with their ingenuity.

So what is this gift to the world? A substance known as “Krokodil” or “Crocodile”. What is in this elixir? Any pills containing codeine, dry akali, gasoline, crystalline iodine, red phosphorous, and hydrochloric acid. (Nothing which can’t be found in the average combo meal being pumped into these streets by McDonald’s).

Still not sold? Well, not only are Russian fiends apparently quite industrious, but one could cut their hand on their razor sharp wit. Where does the name “Crocodile” come from? Because after you inject crocodile (which can be injected directly into your flesh), it leaves the skin green and scaly, MUCH LIKE A CROCODILE.

The fun doesn’t end there though, because the green, scaly effect the skin gets is just the beginning. Things get a lot more real when fiends continue to use it, because their skin and tissue--literally--rots away. The average life of a Krokodil user is 2-3 years.

If you’re interested in learning more about this groundbreaking discovery, you can click here, here, or even here. I must warn you though, some of the images contained in these stories are pretty graphic.

Now that I’ve done my Marionaire duty of keeping you all on the cutting edge of the drug game, shall we turn our attention back within our own borders to a little college football? Remember: THERE ARE ONLY A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF DAYS LEFT UNTIL A SACRAFICIAL LAMB NAMED "AKRON" IS SLAUGHTERED AT HIGH NOON IN THE HORSESHOE TO START OSU’S 2011 CAMPAIGN!!!

Some Ohio high school football coaches don’t want to participate in a 21-Shirt-And-Tie salute to fallen comrade Jim Tressel.A high school coach proposed wearing a shirt and a tie during their first game of the season as a way of honoring Jim Tressel. The Ohio High School Coaches Association adopted the measure, but Steve Specht, coach of Cincinnati’s St. Xavier High School, isn’t so sure that’s a good idea.

Am I surprised a guy from Cincinnati is whining against a move of Ohio solidarity? Can’t say that I am.

 Jim Tressel was bad at tattling on himself, long before Jim Tressel was bad at tattling on himself. According to recently released documents, former OSU Athletic Director, Andy Geiger, once rated Jim Tressel “unacceptable” in reporting potential violations to the University/NCAA. At this point, Jim Tressel should probably stop worrying about the NCAA and start worrying about a federal indictement.

Gene Smith hopes Jim Tressel can find another coaching job, if he wants one. It’d be weird seeing Jim Tressel in any other colors than Scarlet and Grey. I’ve seen it speculated that the only place Tressel would ever consider coaching would be at his alma mater, Baldwin Wallace, which would be the most Jim Tressel-like move ever. Personally, I’m still hoping that during the 3rd quarter in the Nebraska game, the Stone Cold Steve Austin anthem kicks on, Tressel storms the field, hits Fickell, Gene Smith, and Gordon Gee with a steel chair, then chugs a Budweiser... all while Jim Ross goes ballistic. My fingers will be crossed from now until then.

Turns out, Brady Hoke was just like every other Michigan fan from Ohio. In this article from Michael Arace of the Columbus Dispatch, warning Ohio State fans not to take Brady Hoke lightly, this gem is buried:

"I like to be different," Hoke said. "All my buddies were Ohio fans. To go against them, I became a Michigan fan. There were a couple of scrapes or near-scrapes or whatever. Those things happen. It was all in good fun."

Finally, a Michigan fan from Ohio comes clean. Is there anything worse than seeing some yokel draped in Michigan stuff walking around Ohio with their chest out? As if the only reason they’re Michigan fans isn’t because they just want to be contrarian and love the attention it generates?

In other Brady Hoke news, Simon Mandel wrote the 10,000th fawning article about Brady Hoke.

If you thought USC stood for the “University of Southern California”, you would be wrong. I don’t follow USC a lot, partly because I hate them, and partly because they’ve been sentenced to NCAA Siberia and aren’t on TV right now. I had never heard of Marc Tyler. He’s apparently a “star” running back at USC? I don’t know if that’s appropriate, but what I do know is that he is now my favorite player from USC for the rest of my life. (Sorry, OJ, but we had a good run. Don't worry though, I still believe in your innocence and your crazy son's guilt in that double murder).

You see, ol’ Marc got caught by TMZ cameras outside a club in LA, and he had clearly been drinking. Even after his friends tried to stop him from going on camera, he finally got his time to shine. And boy, did he shine.

Why do they have so many running backs at USC? Because, along with collecting Heismans, “[they] all gettin' Kim Kardashian.” Who pays better, the USC or the NFL? USC he says, because they’re “breaking bread.” (His friends were very quick to stress it was a joke).

My favorite part, though, comes when he says that U.S.C. stands for the “University of Sexual Ballers.” This education can be yours for a mere $50,000 a year, folks!

South Bend is about to lose the College Football Hall of Fame, and thus, a lot of money. But really, what in the hell was it doing there in the first place? I get it. Notre Dame. They're important, at least that's what their fans will tell you. But the same reason no 18 year old kid wants to spend the prime of his life in South Bend, Indiana, is the same reason they're rightfully losing it now. Sorry, Indiana, but it's true.

My least favorite Wolverine, and by extension, my least favorite human being, was allegedly inducted into the Hall of Fame this weekend. Whatever.

Is paragon Bruce Feldman free from his Robben Island cell? It remains unclear. Political leader Bruce Feldman hasn't tweeted or blogged in five days. He was allegedly suspended by ESPN (who has denied it), which lead to media writers whipping up a firestorm by changing their Twitter avatars to pictures of Bruce and creating Twitter Trending topics. I'm sure Gahdhi is up in heaven smiling at all of this.

Here are some fancy things collected from the deepest pools of the internet. Columbus has a new resident and her name is Casey Anthony - This kid is America - Here is a picture of all three Batman posters spliced together... DO YOU SEE WHAT CHRIS NOLAN DID THERE? - This NYT article will tell you how to stay under off the radar when you're on the lam - Pete Carroll lost the Womens' World Cup yesterday - Cats are awesome - 18 veterans committ suicide every day - Tumblr + Star Wars = Success, Always - Did the Incas "write" with knotted cords? - Art museum security guards? Much more than watchdogs - ALL HAIL KING WARREN G. HARDING, OVERLORD OF EVERYTHING FOREVER

20 Comments

Comments

Denny's picture

Kind of worried that Brady Hoke's contrarian douchewaves may catch on and UM will become contrarian [via beating OSU someday].

Taquitos.

buckeyedude's picture

The only reason Hoke has been able to nab a few recruits is because of the issues with Ohio State right now, not because he is such an excellent recruiter. If Tressel was still coach, or after our new coach is named, it will be the same 'ol, same 'ol.  RichRod II. At least that's what I'm hoping. They were fawning all over him too.

Be thankful you don't live in my hometown, Denny. There are way too many contrarian douchewaves(LOVE those words) here. And they're coming out of their self-imposed public ban, acting like they've already won the B1G. It's nauseating. This happens every summer/fall until MU loses their first big game. 

I understand why the CFB HOF moved from South Bend, by why couldn't it have moved to Chicago or Indy instead? Why the hell did it have to go to SEC country?  I understand them having the NASCAR HOF, the Moonshine HOF, and the Tobacco Chewin' HOF, but c'mon!

 
 

BuckeyeSki's picture

Notre Dame. They're important, at least that's what their fans will tell you.

To which I always reply:

05 Fiesta Bowl *insert high five offering here*

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

BuckeyeSki's picture

From Russia With Love:

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

Nappy's picture

I can understand why Mich fans are excited about Hoke.  It's not like they can get much worse on D so he brings a spark of hope.  Whether or not that translates to W's this year remains to be seen but he is certainly taking advantage of the uncertainty at OSU to land recruits that he otherwise probably wouldn't.  

And WTF?! Exposed bones?! Good God, I will never understand why pictures like these and of meth users aren't more of a deterrent.

Fan of bacon since 1981

Bucksfan's picture

The Ohio State-Michigan rivalry doesn't just turn lopsided for no reason.  7(6) straight over Michigan is the record for Ohio State.  And that's because Tressel stopped Ohio high school recruits from going to Michigan unlike no other coach in the history of Ohio State football.  If the 1974 Michigan @ Ohio State game is ever on again, watch it.  Half of Michigan's starting lineup was from Ohio, while maybe 3 or 4 kids on OSU's lineup weren't from Ohio.

Michigan needs Ohio talent now more than ever, but they've been needing Ohio talent for at least 50 years.

JozyMozy's picture

Tress reaches out to shake Luke Fickell's hand...NO! boottothegutSTUNNER! STUNNER!Gee runs in ANOTHER STUNNER! Here comes Gene Smith up behind Tressel, he's got a steel chair! Lookout, Jim! Smith swings and misses STUNNER STUNNER TRESSEL HITS ANOTHER STUNNER ON GENE SMITH

BY GAWD, ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE HERE IN LINCOLN 

BuckeyeSki's picture

The Youngstown Rattlesnake is not to be trusted

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

The Six Fingered Buckeye's picture

MY LAWD KING! IT'S CARMEN OHIO! THAT'S TRESSEL'S MUSIC! OH GAWD! HERE COMES SCRIPT OHIO! WE'RE ALL DOOMED KING!

Please, be honest. This is for science.

Ethan's picture

The "recently released documents" wouldn't have anything to do with espin's lawsuit, would it? 

RBuck's picture

I was wondering the same thing. Hope so, 'cause there's really not much there.

"It's just another case of there you are". ~ Doc (1918-2012)

NeARBuckeye's picture

I'm at work and can't post the link from my phone, but Michael Wilbon just released an article about paying college atheletes. While he seems to be a proponent of allowing college players to sell their own possessions or make endorsement deals, he references Georgia rather than OSU. He also implies these are rather idiotic restrictions.

I thought this whole thing is kind of funny considering he has been out for blood with everyone else t Espn.

buck i's picture

It's nice to see some content from another person born in the City of Kings. I read The Rooster back in high school... around 2002-ish?

Scott K's picture

USC has suspended Mark Tyler for the season opener against MN.  Oops...

"There's a fine line between stupid, and....clever.  David St. Hubbins/Nigel Tufnel

Jason Priestas's picture

Amazing what one gets for spilling the beans.

Wonder if he would have been suspended had he just been drunk and made the Kardashian comment.

JakeBuckeye's picture

Because this is such legitimate evidence that USC is paying their players? Come on Jason. Maybe you were just joking. The way he said it was obviously a drunk joke. The question set him up for the drunk joke. Come on guys.

Jason Priestas's picture

It's not evidence, but it's a statement that invites scrutiny. Wasn't joking, by the way. It's fair to wonder if he would have been suspended had he just been caught drunk on camera saying things that weren't potentially detrimental to USC.

AcrossTheField11's picture

Can you imagine if it were found that USC is actually paying players.  Wow.

Time and change will surely show how firm they friendship... O-HI-O.

Buckeye in Athens's picture

Yeah I have to agree with you - it made the university look bad, regardless of the veracity of the comments themselves. That's grounds for discipline. I mean, maybe a good bit of running would have sufficed, but maybe Kiffin was trying to make an example of the kid. 

KCAlum's picture

So the Dispatch discovers that Brady Hoke is a douche..what a shocker