SEO iPad2 Nintendo 3DS P90X: Jim Tressel's Future

By Luke on April 1, 2011 at 10:30a

We know Jim Tressel. We love Jim Tressel. Jim Tressel has been there since the birth of our sons. He was there when the country fell into their hands. He was there when we rose up against our oppressors. And he will be their until our dying breath. But Jim Tressel has falling on hard times. Like our economy, sometimes down is up and up is down. Because of people jealous of his 2006 national championship, Jim Tressel’s tenure with Ohio State may be coming to a bittersweet symphony.

Before I begin this list, let me state that my thoughts and prayers go out to the people of Japan and to anyone this will affect in the future.

Here is a list of the Top 10 most probable landing places for Coach Jim Tressel when his persecution is complete and he returns to coaching to clear his name elsewhere:

Begin slideshow here:

10. The University of Florida

With rumors prevalent that Jim Tressel will be replaced by Urban Meyer, the only logical thing to happen would be for Florida to realize they made a mistake with Coach Boom Muschamp and decide to bring in a truly champion national figurehead like Coach Jim Tressel. Jim Tressel for Urban Meyer would be a trade conceptualized on the trading room floors of the New York Stock Exchange but realized in the hearts and minds of millions. Urban Meyer would lead Ohio State to at least 2^2 as many champions as did the Univeristy of Florida and Jim Tressel would have Florida State playing the kind of ball we’ve come to expect from someone like him. Slow and steady wins the race.

9. The University of Alabama

Alabama pays Nick Saban a lot of money. Because the state of Alabama was recently said by health experts to be unhealthy, it’s very easy to see that this trickles on down to their financial plannings as well. In order to get with the times and keep Bear Bryant’s legacy alive, Jim Tressel will ride in on a silver horse and turn a financial quagmire into a hurricane of Phoenix-like rebirth. Just like ESPN says, Roll Tide, indeed.

8. The Chicago Bears

The Chicago Bears made the playoffs under disgraced Head Coach Coach Lovie Smith and beat the odds, but some still think a football mind like Jim Tressel could be the ultimate salvation for this squadron. By bringing in a football wizard like Tressel, Chicago could return the Bears to status as giants of the midway and help extend star Brian Urlacher’s career the same way he did A.J. Hawk’s.

7. Auburn Tigers

Anyone who subscribes to HBO knows that the Auburn University Tigers are under death penalty row for their crimes under the Cam Newton administration. Jim Tressel would be able to take over Gene Chizik the same way he did for John Cooper and turn Auburn’s situation into a position of opportunity. Auburn 2013 National Championships?


5. University of Southern California

Lane Kiffin has long been attracted to opportunities to disgrace universities. As such, USC would be wise to part ways with this rebel without a cause and instead bring in national champ Jim Tressel. Leveraging the same sun that tanned Pete Edwards into multiple national titles, Jim Tressel’s Superman-like powers would likely know no bounds.

4. Penn state University

Joe Paterno still calls Jim Tressel “Lil’ Jimmy”. This appeal (along with the possibility to market himself to urban recruiting markets), should spell a seamless transition from legend-to-legend, putting Penn State back into the national collective and helping Ohio State-Penn State turn into the 10 Year War (The Remix).

3. Michigan Unviersity

If you can’t beat ‘em, join em. And if you can beat them, you shall lead them unto greatness.

2. Oklahoma University

Big Game Bob hasn’t won a big game in some time, so bringing in Jim Jam James could spell Boomer Sooner a championship even sooner. Bob Stoops is from Youngstown, OH which could lead to him staying on as Tressel’s defensive coordinator to bridge the gap and convince his players to buy in with their new head coach.

1. Ohio State University

Every great film needs a twist. The classic M. Nyght Shamalan film “The Last Airbender” had everyone realizing that they were dead all along. By pulling a “Shamalan”, if you will, on the audience, Jim Tressel can reemerge as not only a national championship head coach, but a national champion master of suspense and intrigue. Color me intrigued.



BucksfanXC's picture

The pay is probably gonna be the best at Auburn, those boosters will shell out to pay him more than Saban, of course he'll have to share it with his players. It would be hardered to keep them out of his pockets than it would to keep Lohan off the coke.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

BuckeyeSki's picture

It IS one helluva drug!


Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

Denny's picture

Congrats on becoming a featured columnist, Luke.


iball's picture

OchoCinco lobbying for reinstatement into the NCAA.Wants to play for Buckeyes


“There’s one thing I have learned through all my adventures and conquests - it’s that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great - I just am great.” – Kenny Powers

iball's picture

“There’s one thing I have learned through all my adventures and conquests - it’s that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great - I just am great.” – Kenny Powers

Luke's picture

Hey guys! We won the Googles!

(H/T SlowStates)

LizinNY's picture

#6, that's it. Jim Tressel is going to coach the WAGs.

Jason Priestas's picture

Can't say how proud I am that we finally have something that was picked up by @SEOFather.


Waveman's picture

I just came over from MGoBlog and created an account to tell you guys that you won the interwebz today. The BR spoof going on is truly hilarious. Congrats.

Jason Priestas's picture

Ha. Now we have your email address. Enjoy your spam wave little man of the north!

Seriously, thanks, though.

M Man's picture

I too just came over from MGoBlog, and here is a real, honest-to-God relevant story about Tressel's likely outcome, in the form of an interview with Gene Marsh of the Lightfoot firm in Birmingham, AL.  I predicted here in another 11W comments thread that OSU would hire Marsh.  I was wrong about that.  But I'd advise everybody to have a good look at this, from the Plain Dealer:

"While the violations are very serious, they are not the kind of violations that somebody makes a movie out of," said Marsh, who specializes in NCAA compliance issues with the Alabama law firm of Lightfoot, Franklin & White. "It's not some gigantic academic fraud, it's not some slush fund that a coach was using for paying players. Although they are serious ... I'd say after nine years on the infractions committee, they don't break the bank as far as severity."

Then there is Tressel himself.

Often cited in the past for his values and leadership, Tressel saw his fall from grace exacerbated by who he was: the coach once seen as a saint by some, now lumped in with the rest of the cheaters.

That's not how Marsh expects the committee to see it.

"There are human beings on the enforcement staff and human beings on the committee," Marsh said. "It's not a machine, it's not a calculator. It's folks. In the end, folks take a look at things like a life's work, the inner workings of their entire profile and their character in their life as a coach and in their life as an individual."

Gene Marsh, graduate of The Ohio State University, is who we hired as our NCAA-investigation counsel in 2009.