Eleven Warriors

We know Jim Tressel. We love Jim Tressel. Jim Tressel has been there since the birth of our sons. He was there when the country fell into their hands. He was there when we rose up against our oppressors. And he will be their until our dying breath. But Jim Tressel has falling on hard times. Like our economy, sometimes down is up and up is down. Because of people jealous of his 2006 national championship, Jim Tressel’s tenure with Ohio State may be coming to a bittersweet symphony.

Before I begin this list, let me state that my thoughts and prayers go out to the people of Japan and to anyone this will affect in the future.

Here is a list of the Top 10 most probable landing places for Coach Jim Tressel when his persecution is complete and he returns to coaching to clear his name elsewhere:

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10. The University of Florida

With rumors prevalent that Jim Tressel will be replaced by Urban Meyer, the only logical thing to happen would be for Florida to realize they made a mistake with Coach Boom Muschamp and decide to bring in a truly champion national figurehead like Coach Jim Tressel. Jim Tressel for Urban Meyer would be a trade conceptualized on the trading room floors of the New York Stock Exchange but realized in the hearts and minds of millions. Urban Meyer would lead Ohio State to at least 2^2 as many champions as did the Univeristy of Florida and Jim Tressel would have Florida State playing the kind of ball we’ve come to expect from someone like him. Slow and steady wins the race.

9. The University of Alabama

Alabama pays Nick Saban a lot of money. Because the state of Alabama was recently said by health experts to be unhealthy, it’s very easy to see that this trickles on down to their financial plannings as well. In order to get with the times and keep Bear Bryant’s legacy alive, Jim Tressel will ride in on a silver horse and turn a financial quagmire into a hurricane of Phoenix-like rebirth. Just like ESPN says, Roll Tide, indeed.

8. The Chicago Bears

The Chicago Bears made the playoffs under disgraced Head Coach Coach Lovie Smith and beat the odds, but some still think a football mind like Jim Tressel could be the ultimate salvation for this squadron. By bringing in a football wizard like Tressel, Chicago could return the Bears to status as giants of the midway and help extend star Brian Urlacher’s career the same way he did A.J. Hawk’s.

7. Auburn Tigers

Anyone who subscribes to HBO knows that the Auburn University Tigers are under death penalty row for their crimes under the Cam Newton administration. Jim Tressel would be able to take over Gene Chizik the same way he did for John Cooper and turn Auburn’s situation into a position of opportunity. Auburn 2013 National Championships?

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5. University of Southern California

Lane Kiffin has long been attracted to opportunities to disgrace universities. As such, USC would be wise to part ways with this rebel without a cause and instead bring in national champ Jim Tressel. Leveraging the same sun that tanned Pete Edwards into multiple national titles, Jim Tressel’s Superman-like powers would likely know no bounds.

4. Penn state University

Joe Paterno still calls Jim Tressel “Lil’ Jimmy”. This appeal (along with the possibility to market himself to urban recruiting markets), should spell a seamless transition from legend-to-legend, putting Penn State back into the national collective and helping Ohio State-Penn State turn into the 10 Year War (The Remix).

3. Michigan Unviersity

If you can’t beat ‘em, join em. And if you can beat them, you shall lead them unto greatness.

2. Oklahoma University

Big Game Bob hasn’t won a big game in some time, so bringing in Jim Jam James could spell Boomer Sooner a championship even sooner. Bob Stoops is from Youngstown, OH which could lead to him staying on as Tressel’s defensive coordinator to bridge the gap and convince his players to buy in with their new head coach.

1. Ohio State University

Every great film needs a twist. The classic M. Nyght Shamalan film “The Last Airbender” had everyone realizing that they were dead all along. By pulling a “Shamalan”, if you will, on the audience, Jim Tressel can reemerge as not only a national championship head coach, but a national champion master of suspense and intrigue. Color me intrigued.