Do you remember the last time Ohio State was ranked no.11?
It's been a stretch since the Buckeyes found themselves outside of the top 5, let alone top 10. Ironically, the last time was November 11 (11th on 11/11) in the AP Poll. The year was 2017 and they had just returned home from Iowa City. Ah, now you remember.
That was three seasons and two conference losses ago. Ohio State blasted no.13 Michigan State 48-3 on 11/11 and by noon on 11/12 the Buckeyes were back in the single-digits and have enjoyed a top ten ranking in every service ever since.
...up until Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney went out and slotted the B1G champions 11th in his ballot over the weekend. The Buckeyes are back on the outside looking into at least one top 10, like they just gave up another double-nickel to the Hawkeyes. It's insulting like imitation crabmeat. Just totally unacceptable.
Fortunately for Dabo, everyone has the inalienable right to be wrong on occasion - including us. Hopefully you take advantage of this sentient perk as often as possible. I enjoy Skyline Chili and Blues Traveler - you should see how upset that makes some people.
Everyone has the right to BE WRONG, including Dabo Swinney.
I also think saxophone solos from 1980s pop bangers were not only the best contemporary music trend, they were the peak of Western civilization. Sax solos are unappreciated philosophers from the cocaine decade, telling the rich history of the era sometimes by accident. If I'm wrong I don't care, kind of like Dabo's ballot.
But wait, there's more. In my view of the universe, the 1998 Buckeyes would beat the 1998 Tennessee Volunteers 100/100 games and the 1998 Michigan State Spartans 99/100. The 2019 Buckeyes beat the 2019 Clemson Tigers 49/50 times and 98/100. I'm aware I could be wrong. I don't care, and besides - this isn't an evidence-based discussion. My ballot is all mine.
John Cooper gave away the 1992, 1996, 1997 and 1999 Michigan games. Tying and losing in those years was the supernatural act of a vengeful god who has since been imprisoned by a righteous one. Flipping those results would have given Coop a 6-7 record against the Wolverines.
Yeah that's atrocious by the current standard but I'd still trade a dominant limb for it without hesitation.
Anyway, I love the USC fight song. Have never read a Harry Potter book. I appreciate Baker Mayfield. I have innumerable irredeemable opinions that make Dabo's ballot look sensible. Merry Christmas! Let's get Situational.
OPENING: BAD GUYS
Purdue LB Keena Turner sacks OSU QB Art Schlichter in the Boilermakers' 1978 victory over the Buckeyes. | © File/Journal & Courier
Ohio State has been a championship contender at least once in each of the past five decades of college football. As programs evolve and atrophy a fissure has formed between generations - namely, Baby Boomers and Generation Z - over which football team gets to be the Buckeyes' true rival.
As a committed peacemaker from Generation X (look it up, it's real) I'm happy to broker a truce between the tribes. Ohio State has only one rival, and it is Michigan - this designation is not for any of us to alter. The confusion is rooted in the chronic misuse of the word rival. Clemson is not a rival. Alabama is definitely not a rival.
Clemson is a nemesis. The Tigers are rivalry-adjacent. Helpful chart:
| ARCH RIVAL | CARTOON VILLAIN | REVILED NEMESIS | TAMED SHREW | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1971-1980 |
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| 1981-1990 |
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| 1991-2000 |
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| 2001-2010 |
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| 2011-2020 |
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You can run the numbers if you'd like to audit this, but it comes down to the following:
- Michigan is Ohio State's Rival. Changing this requires more than a Constitutional amendment.
- Cartoon Villains shift by decade. They had/have no business beating the Buckeyes...and yet.
- Reviled Nemeses are also fluid. These teams lord/lorded over Ohio State. Or, a conference.
- Tamed Shrews eat a lot of shit against the Buckeyes, e.g. Wisconsin just went 0-fer the decade.
Ohio State is the Reviled Nemesis for most B1G programs at the moment, and it's also the Tamed Shrew for the orange one in South Carolina. The arch rival is immovable. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
INTERMISSION: THE SOLO
You cannot visit the Hotel California because it is not real. You also cannot pet Puff the Magic Dragon because there's no such dragon, and even if there was - it lives in the land Honah Lee which you can find right next door to Hotel California.
And you cannot visit Kokomo off the Florida Keys because there is no such place, despite how convincing the Beach Boys are while describing it. The video for Kokomo was shot at Walt Disney World, because Kokomo was unavailable. Disney isn't a real world, either. It's an elaborate MLM targeting vulnerable parents.
John Stamos, who is not a real musician pretends to play the steel drums and the bongos. He's better known as Uncle Jesse from Full House. He might be a real uncle. It's not important.
Kokomo serves up a tacky island sound that can at kindest be described as inauthentic. You would not hear a saxophone shoehorned into fake Caribbean music in any other era, but this was the 1980s. Ketchup was a vegetable. Cocaine was an entrée. Saxophones had privileges in every genre, especially steel drum island music played by old white guys.
The Beach Boys were back and harmonizing for more cash! Let's answer our two questions.
Is the soloist in this video actually playing the saxophone?
That's Mike Love, a homophone for my glove - not that there's anything wrong with that. He was the fourth-best Beach Boy behind Brian Wilson, Dennis Wilson and Carl Wilson. Love is basically Ringo minus any charm whatsoever. He sucks, but he can play the saxophone.
Kokomo producers spent a lot more time editing slow-motion bikini jogs than instrument playing, which results in Love appearing to only be pretending to play the sax. This was an error. Love is a legitimate musician. He's not Uncle Jesse. VERDICT: Mixed.
Does this saxophone solo slap?
Kokomo was shopped around and landed on the Cocktail motion picture soundtrack. Cocktail was a movie starring Tom Cruise's teeth and Elisabeth Shue's hair. It's about bartending showmanship disguised as an exploration into the age-old introspective question of life, haha what does it all mean. It won Worst Picture while turning a $150M profit. May all of us fail so magnificently.
Similarly, Kokomo was a top-5 chart banger in multiple countries and is also cited as one of the worst songs of all time. It's basically Clemson. Wildly successful, easy to hate, punchable faces abound and inauthentic to the point where we question if it's even real. VERDICT: Does not slap.
THE BOURBON
The Christmas Buck. Mix a pitcher of mirth.
There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.
Christmas is this week, and if there was ever a year where we could use a little more Christmas than usual - it's 2020. Let's make a cocktail worthy of the occasion.
In bartending you can fashion a Mule out of any liquor simply by adding ginger beer and fruit to it. A Buck is similar except the ginger beer is ginger ale. A Moscow Mule uses vodka. A Kentucky Mule uses bourbon.
This ends our Buck vs. Mule lesson. Onto the Christmas part.
A Christmas Buck takes a classic Kentucky Buck recipe and Christmasifies it by way of cranberries. You could get fancy with ginger syrup and scratch ingredients, but this year has been exhausting enough - we're going to go with the path of least resistance for our Buck, which is festive, tart and sweet and delivers a gentle punch courtesy of The Situational Value Bourbon of 2020, Quality House from Heaven Hill.
| WHAT YOU'LL NEED |
|---|
| QUALITY HOUSE BOURBON |
| GINGER ALE |
| CRANBERRY JUICE COCKTAIL |
| CRANBERRIES |
| A PITCHER & ICE |
Let's simplify it further - you should be able to get Quality House, a bag of ice, ginger ale and cranberry juice cocktail in one stop. And that's all you'll need. One stop, perfect.
Fill a pitcher halfway with ice cubes, then pour in a regular 12oz can of ginger ale, a regular 5.5oz mini can of cranberry juice cocktail and 10 shots of Quality House. Either take a long stirrer or do a controlled swirl-shake to get all of your ingredients better acquainted without causing any spills or explosions.
Then slowly pour your Christmas Buck pitcher into glasses that already have cranberries in them. And that's it. Good tidings of comfort and joy.
CLOSING: THE DANGER
Clemson freshman Clelin Ferrell sacks J.T. Barrett at the 2016 CFP Semifinal in Glendale, AZ.
The 2016 Ohio State Buckeyes were the youngest team in the entire FBS. You might be old enough to remember hearing Urban Meyer mention that regularly as part of his media campaign for his program to get back into the CFP one year after it was regrettably left out.
Well, the 2020 Ohio State Buckeyes are the least-seasoned team in the College Football Playoff. And it's not close. This time it's a reverse-campaign, and it's not coming from inside the house.
Freshness might be an advantage in a season with an actual cadence, uninterrupted by abrupt quarantines, season cancelations and game forfeits. Sure, the Buckeyes had fewer opportunities to lose guys like Cameron Brown and Kourt Williams for the year to injuries. They also got half a season in uneven chunks to figure out how to navigate a football game.
The Buckeyes are as clunky right now as THE TIGERS WERE AFTER SIX GAMES.
Clemson was playing its worst football of the season at the point Ohio State has only now reached, taking way too long to get rid of Syracuse, trailing Boston College for much of the game and losing to Notre Dame while allowing 96 points over three Saturdays.
The Tigers had the luxury of time. The Buckeyes are as clunky right now as Clemson was then.
Ohio State had been facing teams with one or two-game advantages but now it's entering a four-team tournament where every other gladiator has participated in a full season. Alabama's engines are warmed up. Notre Dame has developed four-quarter, full-contact endurance muscles.
And Clemson has Ohio State's talent but with game rhythm and seasoning wired into all of its units that the Buckeyes were never going to have, even if they had gone through with the Illinois game and if Maryland and Michigan hadn't shut down operations. Clemson has been hit and hurt by more than just COVID nasal swabs - and that's a huge advantage.
The Buckeyes' games have been sandwiched between unscheduled bye weeks since their slate kicked off in late October. This is a far bigger disadvantage than simply being the youngest team in college football, and if Ryan Day figures out how to survive two more games it will be the greatest feat by a Buckeye coach since a third-string QB led the program to a national title.
The difference will be detractors claiming freshness helped the victors. Unlike the 2014 title, this one would probably be disputed. They have the right to be wrong.
Thanks for getting Situational today. Go Bucks. Merry Christmas. Take care of each other.
