Skull Session: We Blacked Out in Iowa City — What Happened?

By D.J. Byrnes on November 6, 2017 at 4:59 am
Big Nut in tatters over the November 6 2017 Skull Session
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Urban Meyer's Iowa Experience
That face when the bill comes due on "a couple drinks" in Iowa City.

Ohio State's latest loss is, sadly, a story almost as old as the United States of America.

A gentleman steps out for a Happy Hour hotel beer while staying life's obligatory one night in Iowa City.

Twelve hours later, a cop puts 50,000 volts of wind-powered Iowa electricity through his veins after he became unruly at a Hawkeye Convenience Store clerk who refused to sell the raccoon-eyed, half-naked man a $7.99 handle of vodka-tainted nail polish at 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday.

I don't understand how the same team plays games like Ohio State's last two in back to back weeks. After weeks of assuring Buckeye Kingdom there would be no overlooking a business trip to Iowa City, they looked and sounded as clueless as somebody that just took a titanic Mike Tyson right-hand uppercut to the jaw. 

On one hand, it's remarkable a two-loss regular season is now in "Kill it with fire" territory.. On the other, it's not unreasonable to have questions after two- and three-stars kneecapped blue-chip Buckeye championship hopes.

Unfortunately a review of the autopsy is a requirement of the grieving process. And this report includes Kirk Ferentz, an icepick, a truck weigh station on the outskirts of Iowa City, and a stolen six pick of Keystone Light. 

ICYMI:

Word of the Day: Vellichor.

 DUCK AND COVER. I awoke Sunday feeling like I came out of a 50-year coma. Because mind parasites control my mind, I immediately flopped over and checked Twitter.

I then died 20,000 deaths in a half second:

Dark times indeed when an Iowa paper that probably publishes three issues a week tombstones your team in less than 20 characters.

You could fill a book with the shit I've talked about four-time Big Ten Coach of the Year Kirk Fertenz. Yet somehow he stitched a clown suit for three-time national champion Urban Meyer (<— MY AFTERMATH COLUMN).

Afterwards, nobody wanted to talk about that unseen hellacious haymaker.

From Tom Orr of theozone.net:

Tonight, it wasn’t so easy, and the parade was much shorter. Urban Meyer came out, repeatedly said he needed to go back and watch the film to figure out what happened, and headed out. Our Facebook Live stream of the entire thing lasted a total of 3:33.

Center Billy Price, as steady and unshakable a leader as this program has had in years, came out next. Then DE Tyquan Lewis, who was clearly shaken by the loss, but who provided thoughtful responses to some very tough questions.

And then that was it. No J.T. Barrett, who had a nightmare of a day with four interceptions. But even more glaringly, no offensive coordinator Kevin Wilson. No defensive coordinator Greg Schiano.

Props to Price and Lewis for facing the music. It's easy to name nine captains and spin sound bytes about leadership when the local team is rolling. It takes a deeper understanding of the word to answer questions after surrendering 55 points in a 31-point loss.

It's also a joke the NCAA doesn't mandate head coaches and coordinators be made available to media after every game. Bill Davis should've faced the media based on the worst Ohio State linebacker performance in my lifetime (31-years dead next month).

 IT WAS OVER WHEN. Against Penn State, there was never a doubt. Against Iowa, I had hope until Kirk Ferentz orchestrated a gadget play on 4th and 2.

From Jacob Myers of The Lantern:

Iowa 4th-down trick play conversion

Iowa embarrassed Ohio State’s defense from start to finish, but perhaps the play that took the wind out of the Buckeyes’ sails the most was a fourth-down conversion converted by a long snapper and thrown by a punter.

On fourth-and-2 at the Buckeyes’ 20 near the end of the third quarter, Iowa punter Colten Rastetter took the snap at quarterback in an unorthodox formation. Iowa long snapper Tyler Kluver sprang free from the line and caught the pass before tripping over his own feet down to the 2-yard line.

The next play, Iowa scored, extending its lead to 21 and delivering the final nail in the coffin in which Ohio State’s playoff chances lay.

James Pumpkin clammed up against Ohio State. When Kirk Ferentz called a pooch punt that almost went up the anus of his center, I thought he might be afflicted with the same brain parasites.

A possession later, Ferentz put his rotted testicles on the card table with a play that has roots in the fucking 1950s.

From sbnation.com:

After the game, Kirk Ferentz mentioned that the Hawkeyes copied from someone, but he didn’t know who. For a run-first, conservative, Ferentz-coached team, the original source of the play is as unlikely as you could find.

The formation was originated by the father of the run ‘n’ shoot offense, Tiger Ellison.

Back in the 1950s, Ellison’s high school team was struggling and, as the story goes, he drove by a park and saw kids running plays in unusual formations. Ellison was frustrated with his team’s inability to run the ball in a conventional fashion. So he had an idea:

The worst part about this debacle—other than Ferentz calling a fake punt while up 31 in the fourth quarter—is Ohio State doesn't play Iowa again until Oct. 10th, 2020.

That's 1,069 days from now.

Do you know how hard staying alive for 1,069 days is? Damn near impossible; yet I have to do it because I refuse to die with Kirk Ferentz as Urban Meyer's landlord.

 IT SWITCHED. Here's a tweet I may have typed Saturday (like I said, things can get hectic in Iowa City):

Urban Meyer says it best: Barrett takes too much criticism when they lose and too much credit when they win. Yet, Barrett "haters" (that's Columbus parlance for anyone with a modicum of criticism for Barrett) crawled out of their graves Saturday.

From dispatch.com:

And on two of the interceptions, Barrett took time and then tried to fire a pass through a tight window. The latter ploy had served him well in his rise the previous six games, which put him solidly in the national conversation for the Heisman Trophy. But the former, the hesitation before the throw, got him in trouble against the Hawkeyes as that Heisman talk took a powder.

“I can’t see much down there,” Meyer said when asked to evaluate what went wrong with Barrett and the passing game. “I hear what’s going on from upstairs (where offensive coordinator Kevin Wilson and quarterbacks coach Ryan Day sit side by side in the press box), and they (Hawkeyes) were baiting him.

“They were playing between two receivers, that’s their coverage, and we just didn’t play very well. I will know more after watching the videotape and evaluate then.”

What take is there left to posit at this point? Barrett is the quarterback to the grave—for better or worse. 

 TO THE VICTORS, THE TWEETS. Shoutout to the Ohio State patriot that paid money for a weekend in Iowa City only to pull the conference pride call on Iowa tight end T.J. Hockenson.

Sadly, that wasn't as brutal as the photo Akrum Wadley shared (and deleted) on Instagram:

WHEN THE BILL COMES DUE ON A NIGHT OF DRINKING IN IOWA CITY

While Meyer was highly relatable in that moment, my body language more resembled Kerry Coombs'.

 WHO HAS IT WORSE THAN US? Not many teams. But hey, at least we don't cheer for a team coached by Bert:

Or one coached by Butch Jones, who torched a quarterback's redshirt to screw the man that  replaces him: 

The silver lining of the weekend was Dino dumping the Pumpkin:

At least Pumpkin made sure his players shook the hands of Michigan State:

Bottom line? Dubgate is undefeated.

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