Shocked, coach, shocked.

I can't believe you haven't listened to every 97.1 show since January and every college football talking head about what needed fixed heading into this year. Our expectations are simple and you don't seem to get it. You regularly outlines your expectations:

Beat your rival
Win the conference
Win every other game
Win the national championship

That's all well and good, but I don't think you fully understands our expectations. I'll codify them once and for all:

Beat a conference opponent on the road by at least 50 points. We'll accept giving up 10 points or less, provided they come in garbage time or on a field goal after a turnover on a short field. This should not indicate that we are willing to live with turnovers.

Any "lesser" opponents should be beaten by at least 70 points, with no points surrendered. Ideally, half of those points should happen. in the first quarter. But be warned that we will complain that you "only" scored 35 more the rest of the way. The ongoing expectation will be that since you scored 35 in a quarter once, you should be able to do that every time.

Your offense should be wickedly inventive every week, without giving away too much to UM.

Running backs should run through massive holes created by your OL and possess homerun speed, Barry Sanders shake and unparalleled vision. They should simultaneously run over defenders while never being touched.

Similarly, the WRs should be unguardable on every play, making every catch and breaking tackles en route to TDs on every play.

The TEs should be the best receiver on the team - well, except for the WRs, and possibly the running backs. And he should be the best blocker, well, other than the OL. And he should be able to run jet sweeps. But if you run him on a jet sweep instead of your 5* WRs, you're an idiot. But throw it to him, for the love of all that's holy because I've been waiting years for us to throw it to the TE!!

Most importantly, if you don't put gray on our jersey sleeves, we will have pizza delivery guys accosting your wife at your house until the end of time.

Offense is easy, that's your thing. Let's talk about the defense.

Actually, it's easier. No yards, no points. I take that back, we expect the D to score points. We'll accept 14 per game. Any more than that and you're taking shine from the offense. Wait, maybe 16, we expect safeties.

In the ideal scenario, you'll be able to deliver a sack and an interception on the same play multiple times per game. I realize this is difficult, but you're being paid 7M per year. Figure it out. I know I could figure it out if I was being paid that much money. Anything above 5M a year and the laws of nature cease to exist.

I once saw Joey Bosa tackle the RB and QB at the same time resulting in a huge loss. It defies logic why you haven't just taught more guys to do that.

I want the DTs to lead the team in sacks and for the DEs to have even more sacks than that. 

And when they get the sack I want them to have the best sack celebration ever. Think griddy on defense. But be humble about it. Kids these days are all about themselves. I don't dance every time I send an email. Get these guys ready for real life, coach.

I want the DBs to be so lockdown we start naming them after prisons. And what's with this BIA crap. They need to set their sights higher, BIU, Best in Universe. If they're playing on other planets, we need to be the best there, too.

They should never miss a tackle, like ever. If they are ever in a position to tackle, that's a problem anyway. That means we didn't get the sack or the pick. 2 demerits.

The linebackers should be the most ferocious dudes to never make a single tackle. I don't want them anywhere near the ball. Tackling is the dline's job. A ridiculously athletic pick every now and again would be nice. 

Oh, speaking of picks, every one should be returned for a TD. I mean really, they're running them back against mainly the other team's OL. If you can't get by those guys, well, by bye NIL.

Let's move on to awards. You should win them all. First team to ever make up the entire All American selection. We plant trees for those guys, what could be more green than that? The only person exempt is you. You never need to win an award. Do they give Nick Saban COY awards? No. You're expected to be the best.

Every team you coach should be better than the last and every one of those is in the discussion for greatest team ever. NFL or college.

Coach, your list of goals is cute. I hope this exercise has helped clarify what your jobe actually is. It's not whether or not you win those games - it's HOW you win those games. If you need a visual, I want you channeling your inner Russel Crowe after every game, running to midfield and screaming, "Are you not entertained?" while standing on the burning ash heap of our rivals discarded equipment. You had 25 whole practices to figure this out, let's get it done.