Greetings, earth dwelling beings of the early Buckeye Dynasty Era.
Time Traveler here.
First, a shout out to Hovenaut, another off-worlder living discreetly amongst you humans (I knew all along, Hove). Your family must wonder why you keep all those cans of oil in your garage, huh?
And then to all those barely disguised Alpha Centorians I ferry around in Charleston, South Carolina. You guys lay off the joojoo juice and keep your underwear clean! “Yellow in front, brown in back” is a horrible way to identify clothing items!
Anyway, when I found the first of the ancient tablets containing the Chronicles of the Golden Era of the Buckeye, it intrigued me as an historian, and I just had to time-slip back to your present. I have to find the answers to the gaps created by those missing and damaged plates.
First of all, whatever happened to the off-worlder known as the Predator who posed as a human to play on your team? Did anybody ever ID him after he led his NFL Browns to back-to-back championships? He seems to have melted into the spacial slipstream shortly thereafter...probably out stalking alien prey of some kind...that guy was always chasing something. And he seemed so...young.
I’ve also had conflicting data on the Buckeye fan base. It is hated...or it is loved. There doesn’t seem to be much in-between...something about “being in the national conversation every single fricking year” or something like that which seems to piss plenty of people off. Yeah, and there’s lots and lots of...how do you say it?...”the delicious and salty tears of our opponents”?
Do you really drink the ocular fluids of your enemies? Aackkk!
Dont answer that. For all the time-slipping I do, my stomach can be a bit queasy.
Then the media says nobody wants to play Clemson. Everybody wants to avoid them. Reminds me of an ancient movie. “Run away! Run away!” (Monty Python)
Clemson is already looking ahead to the Final, secure in their ability to perform at a high level right on cue. They’ve been able to be mediocre and still destroy teams in the Three Sisters of the Poor Conference. After all, do they not have the statistical strength to shrug off the Buckeyes? Are we not entertained? The Buckeyes are just a low hurdle to be vaulted over, a whipping boy to be bruised for the FOURTH time. Just like that regular visit from the playground bully.
Now I don’t want to seem to be revealing critical future information here, and don’t go wagering your rural land on it, but trust me, Clemson will soon discover that the whipping boy of yesterday has grown up into a nasty fire breathing, people eating Death Machine that is going to unceremoniously (sorry, borrowing from language history)...whoop dat ass...and leave it bleeding where it falls.
You got this.
It also seems the media of your time enjoys twisting your nipples (is it culturally correct to say that?). So for the next few weeks, cover your milk sacs and hang onto your hats! Oh wait...that would require the extra hand you don’t have. My bad.
Just hang onto those sacs.
The doubting Media will be eating crow. Heaping hearty mounds of crow.
You got this.
Our scientists found it quite humorous in analyzing the statistical data against the seemingly whimsical decisions of...what do you call them?...the ESecPN Playoff Committee? Whoever...history shows that experiment was short lived!
Of course, the Robotic Killer Committee that eventually replaced the original playoff committee took a chunk out of humanity before the New BCS era began, but hey, best not to ask questions about the future. You don’t always want to know. Trust me.
Finally...a few of the media plates were missing, but several definite phrases that kept coming up in describing that incredible 19-20 season is “they did it with class...”, “...the power and precision of this team is off the charts...”, and one of my “all-time favs” (an ironic term for time travelers, don’t ya think?) was “...this is a first time head coach and a quarterback starting for the first time...?”
So Im here in your time to observe this history-changing team and I’m gonna enjoy every moment of it!
But right here? Right now? Simple.
We got this.