CROW MEAT PRICE QUADRUPLES IN OHIO AFTER BARRETT’S COMEBACK PERFORMANCE
In the aftermath of Ohio State’s thrilling and unlikely come-from-behind victory against Penn State in Ohio Stadium on Saturday, and Ohio State quarterback JT Barrett’s fourth quarter heroics, where he completed 13 of 13 passes for three touchdowns, eating crow meat has rapidly become a common meal in the state of Ohio. The soaring demand for crow meat, after thousands of Ohio State fans found themselves frantically deleting Tweets and Facebook posts from weeks and months before where they called for Barrett’s benching, has quadrupled the price of the meat of the foul fowl.
This has been excellent news for Ralph Caldwell of Caldwell’s Crow Farm across the border near Lambertville, Michigan. We caught up with Caldwell on his farm, where he spoke to us while bathing in a kiddie pool filled with what appeared to be a slurry of shredded, liquefied dollar bills.
“Business is booming,” Caldwell said. “Hasn’t been this good since a few years ago after [Michigan Head Coach Jim] Harbaugh’s first season when all the Wolverine fans thought he was going to win a national title in his first year.”
Caldwell, a large-stomached man with a fondness for cowboy hats and a resonant belly-laugh, later gave us a tour of his facilities, showing us where the crows were kept in their enclosures and fattened with cigarette butts and green apple-flavored jolly ranchers, and then showed us to the processing center, where the crows are killed by electricity, then plucked by a sophisticated machine, and then treated with a special sulfide compound to render the meat “extra tough.”
When asked if he thinks the high times will continue for the crow meat industry, Caldwell was bullish. And though he admitted that Ohio State fans’ remorse over their doubting JT Barrett wouldn’t sustain these high profit margins forever, he contended that as long as the sports world was full of big-mouthed “experts” and “analysts” making bold and overzealous predictions and “scorching hot-takes,” him and his crow meat empire would continue to “do all right.”
KIRK “ACTION BASTARD” FERENTZ WOWS RECRUITS WITH AIRSHIP RIDE
Earlier this week, in the run-up to his high profile tilt with the red-hot Ohio State Buckeyes, 149th year Iowa University football coach Kirk “Action Bastard” Ferentz hosted a number of key recruits and took them for a ride over the state of Iowa in his steampunk-inspired airship. The airship, which cost an estimated $120 million was penny-cash to the deep pockets of Ferentz, who after winning ninety consecutive Big Ten Coach of the Year awards stretching back to the days of the Great Depression (when the immortal Ferentz was only a century-old) is now worth an estimated $7 billion.
Dressed in a snappy tailcoat with a matching tophat and sporting a steam-powered cane and a ruby monocle, Ferentz took a dozen prospective 3-star recruits for a tour of Iowa, showing them all the corn and barns and forgettable cities the state has to offer.
“It really makes me feel excited about playing for a team that has a chance to go 7-5 and finish 2nd in the Big Ten West and then get blown out in a bowl game by an underachieving SEC or PAC-12 team every season,” said 3-star wide receiver target Bryce Oliver.
“I saw yellow corn, white corn, and yellow-white corn,” exclaimed 3-star corner commit Donald Johnson, adding that he was amazed to learn that Kirk Ferentz owns a chocolate factory (which no one is allowed to visit) operated by an indentured race of semi-human orange-skinned dwarves, and that the latter revelation is “sure to figure” into his decision to stay the course with Iowa.
