APRIL FOOLS JOKE NOT SO FOOLISH
Earlier in the week a false report appeared on the main page of Ohio State football fansite Eleven Warriors wherein it was asserted that Columbus-based windshield company Safelight would be taking over a new sponsorship deal which included renaming Ohio Stadium to Safelight Stadium. The report was an April Fools' Day joke, but it's true purpose was as misdirection. While everyone was having a good time and enjoying a sensible chuckle, the powers that be were negotiating with another company, Detroit-based soda brand Faygo. Henceforth not only will Ohio Stadium be renamed Faygo Memorial Stadium, but the Ohio State Buckeyes are no more, and will from now on be called the Ohio State Moon Misters. Brutus will be retired, replaced by a new mascot, an as-of-yet unnamed anthropomorphic can of Brominated Vegetable Oil as found in Faygo Moon Mist.
ZACH SMITH USES HAND-GRENADES IN PRACTICE
Frustrated with low production and diminishing returns from his receivers' corps, Buckeyes wide receivers coach Zach Smith has begun introducing a new wrinkle to his practice drills. Rather than playing with standard footballs, the wide receivers have now begun practicing with live hand grenades.
Coach Smith had this to say about the new practice: "Is it reckless, dangerous? Sure. Will there be casualties? Oh, you better believe there will be. But to that I only say that not one of my guys has yet to record a single drop since we broke out the crate of M-69s."
JIM HARBAUGH BUILDS TIME MACHINE FOR RECRUITING PURPOSES
In a move no doubt intended to rankle the NCAA and worry his rivals in Columbus, Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh has constructed a time machine from empty milk cartons, spoons, and quartz crystals. With the time machine he intends to travel into the past and steal recruits from other time periods and schools, as well as recruit his own younger, NCAA-eligible self to play quarterback for the Wolverines next season. When asked if he was worried by the new development, Urban Meyer downplayed the severity of the threat to his recruiting, reminding reporters that in addition to his major in psychology he also has a minor in temporal mechanics.
"Look, it sounds like a great idea on paper, sure," Meyer said. "But what you have to understand is that there are things called causal breakwaters that won't allow you to make significant changes to the timestream without unintended consequences. Best case scenario for [Coach] Jim [Harbaugh] is he comes back empty-handed, and finds the world he knew is gone, and that now Mr. T has a successful daytime talk show on NBC and the piano-key necktie is still hip. You know, things like that. There's a reason I gave up on time travel recruiting when I was still at Utah. It's like sleeping over at a recruit's house. Is it really worth the ruckus?"
