Well, in case you hadn't noticed, it’s Christmas week, and I’m full of the Holiday Spirit. Or full of something, anyway.
Gathering Near to Us
As many of you may know by now, I had the pleasure experience of meeting several 11W members yesterday at an establishment dive of Oyster’s choosing. Let’s just say that my expectations going in were low, and I wasn’t disappointed. It was an object lesson in the importance of keeping your internet “friends” on the internet. As a warning to the rest of you, I thought I'd share a few personal observations about some of the people you spend your days and nights conversing with.
Oyster: Every bit as unpleasant a curmudgeon in real life as he comes off in his internet persona. It’s not an act, folks. My biggest regret in meeting him is that I fear I have given him enough information to fill several pages in his three-ring binder. He asked a lot of personal questions, and tried to make it look like he was checking messages or 11W, but I know he was making notes on his Tracfone. I’m not sure what his game is, but if you’ve commented on this site, he has a file on you, so watch what you say. Definitely very creepy.
Remy Matt: You’d think becoming a staff member contributor would make him a little more magnanimous. Think again. Contrary to what has been written elsewhere (for purely “comedic reasons", allegedly), he wouldn’t even put our drinks on his 11W expense account. He actually expected us to pay for his drinks, like he was some sort of internet royalty blessing us with the presence of an “actual staff member”. You should’ve seen him bragging to the bartender and other drunks patrons about “his” website and passing out 11W stickers like he was the pope or something. Also, it turns out that the whole 99% club thing was just a ploy to curry favor with the power brokers at 11W. I’m so glad that Jason saw through that ruse.
OSU07/ASU10: He’s exactly what you think someone who would steal a senile old man’s soiled trousers for his own personal gain would be like. What’s worse, I had to listen to him and Remy talk for like an hour about modems, and that’s when he wasn’t going on and on about what an ungrateful SOB YTown is, and how his own ramblings are so much better. Oh, and talking about Ginn’s shoes (again).
APack614: Well, at least he kept his pants on. But then again, I left early so I can’t be sure what happened later. YTown wasn’t around though, so it might’ve been safe. But Apack’s only something like 16 years old (no matter what 07/10 tells his wife), so I can’t state for certain how many laws may have been broken just by inviting him, let alone buying beer for him. He said his “wife” texted him and was concerned about him driving after a few beers, but we were pretty sure it was really just his mom, and she was worried because it was raining and he’d only just got his license.
Early And Not So Often
In the spirit of the holidays, I was going to spare all of you my Browns/Johnny take this week. But the guy with the college pennant for his icon requested it, and I am a man of the people, so here it is: Watching the Browns’ first drive against the Seahawks gave me a brief glimpse of the coming glory of Johnny Future. Watching the rest of the game gave me an extended reminder of the infuriating past and present of the Cleveland Replacements. The Browns left Cleveland forever in 1995 and whatever it is that came back in their place is not the Browns. It is arguably not even an NFL franchise. But I digress.
Johnny took apart a very good defense in his first drive, but like most good defenses, the Hawks adjusted, and the Browns just don’t have the offensive talent to go toe-to-toe with a good defense. With respect to Joe Thomas (who is clearly on the downhill slope of his career) and Alex Mack (who is as good as gone), Johnny was the most talented player on that side of the ball. And that is scary. And while Johnny was not able to replicate the success of that first drive, I thought he played well enough against a tough D with no running game and having to play an overmatched Cam Erving on the O-line (thanks, Farmer, for yet another wasted first-rounder).
But the rest of the game had all the elements you have come to expect from a Browns contest. Inability to get the defense off the field? Check. Stupid penalties? Check. Opponent scoring with zeroes on the clock? Check. Blowout loss? Check. Johnny is our only hope. Embrace that reality. It is the season of miracles. And can you really be any more disappointed, Browns fan?
God Rest Ye Merry, Dudes (and Beckys)
In all seriousness, I wish all of you who take the time to read this drivel a very Merry Christmas. And for those who just skip to the TL;DR: :) Xmas. And just a reminder, it’s not St. Patty’s day—that’s a different day entirely.
TL;DR: Friends close, internet friends not so much; All I want for Christmas is a decent NFL team; :) Xmas.
