Fans, Buckeyes, Dubsters,

I've given much thought to the problems that are continually plaguing the Ohio State Football program, both on and off the field.  The offense can't seem to get out of its own way.  The defense lacks the aggressiveness and tenacity that we used to see out of the Silver Bullets of yore.  Recruiting is lagging (when is the last time we had a major commit?).  The Horseshoe is dead during games.  Our coaches and team lack the killer instinct to put away games that we should be winning handily.

After much deliberation and internal debate, I have come upon the solution that has been right in front of my face.  It's not the coaching.  It's not the quarterback play.  It's not Warinner on the sidelines instead of the booth.  It's not even Fickell.  Now that the scales have fallen from my eyes, I can see it as plain as day:  The Ohio State University needs a new mascot.

What is a buckeye, anyway?  It is a nut from a tree.  Those who are knowledgeable about such things have informed me that a buckeye is actually an ovary of the tree.  An ovary!!  How is that befitting of one of the greatest college football programs of all time?  Is it any wonder that the team lacks aggressiveness and passion?  Should we be surprised that Ohio Stadium feels like a tea party on game day?  Can we expect high school kids to want to become a Buckeye when so many swaggier options are available to them?

No, my friends, we need something more modern.  Something to reflect the type of menacing team we want to put on the field.  Something that will inspire our crowds to rapturous cheering.  Something that will resonate with 21st century high school 5-star recruit.  Something, dare I say, black.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Black Serval.  "What is a Black Serval?", you may well ask.  Well, I'll tell you:  A Black Serval is a melanistic wildcat native to sub-Saharan Africa.  The Black Serval is an efficient killer, is extremely intelligent, and demonstrates remarkable problem-solving ability, allowing it to outwit its prey, and elude other predators. The Black Serval is especially equipped with elongated toes, which makes it particularly adept at hunting rodents, and while gophers, badgers, and wolverines are not part of its natural habit, you can just bet that the Black Serval would make quick work of those pathetic excuses for mascots.  It doesn't really matter that the Black Serval is not native to Ohio, nobody really cares about that sort of thing anyway.  And undoubtedly, the most definitive quality of the Black Serval, for the purposes of mascot selection is its color.  The Black Serval is, as you might have guessed, is black.

Just think of the possibilities.  Black Jerseys. Black Pants. Black Helmets. Black Facemasks.  Black Socks.  Black Shoes.  Black Mouthguards.  Black (gasp!!) Helmet Stickers (I'm thinking Black Serval Fangs instead of silly leaves).  Every home game would be a Blackout.  The team would be worked up into a tizzy, the home crowds would be frenzied with excitement.  Five-star recruits would be literally fighting each other for the chance to wear the All Black.

Fear not, traditionalists, The Ohio State Black Servals would retain a modicum of the schools boring old traditional colors.  After all, the team can't wear the All Black for away games.  And you would always have the throwback uniforms to look forward to.

It's all so simple.  Black is the answer to all of your questions.  Embrace the Blackness.  Be the Blackness.  Black is back.  It never should have been gone.  Long live the Ohio State Black Servals!!