Monday Skull Session

By D.J. Byrnes on August 22, 2011 at 6:00 am

Will the Little League World Series please go somewhere and die? Preferably in the most gruesome way possible. Why the hell do I want to watch a bunch of 12 year olds play baseball? And why would anybody besides these kids' parents and families be watching this thing? If you're at the Little League World Series, and you're not directly related by blood to a player, then you're very clearly a pedophile. I'm sorry, but it's true.

Is there anything more annoying than people that claim they love the Little League World Series? Oh yeah, I bet. "It's so clean and so pure." Hell, have these parents probably have little Bobby taking shots of HGH in his ass on a bi-weekly basis to get him an edge. THEY CAN'T EVEN LEAD OFF OR REALLY STEAL A BASE. IT'S NOT BASEBALL AT ALL.

Could I change the channel? Go outside? Sure, I could. I could. But where would our country be if we were made up entirely of people like that? Some people stood up to the tyranny of the British Crown (or so they say). Some people, such as myself, choose to gripe on the internet about 12 year olds playing a more boring version of an already monotonous game.

PROTIP: Nobody cares about your kids as much as you do. Hell, nobody cares about your kids half as much as you do. Then you have degenerates wondering around (like me) who hate your child with the fiery passion of a hundred thousand blazing suns. Please stop promoting them.  I don't care. I really don't. And if this means Little Bobby loses a DVD about the time he went on national TV, listed his favorite music artist as Spice Girls, and struck out with two runners on and two outs in the 7th inning, then LET IT BE DONE.

ETIENNE SABINO IS TOUGHER THAN YOU. Sabino, who it seems everybody has tabbed for a breakout year this year, suffered a broken hand in Saturday's jersey scrimmage. Normally, you'd expect a man with a broken hand to miss some significant time, but Sabino says he will be ready for the opener, albeit with a cast wrapped around his broken hand.

In middle school, one of my friends and our best player, broke his hand during a football game, and our deranged coach duct-taped to kneepads around his hand and sent him back onto the field. My friend said it was one of the most painful experiences of his life. To this day, I'm still amazed our middle school coach wasn't sued for millions of dollars.

The idea of tackling 6'2" 240 pound guys is harrowing enough for me, let alone while having a broken hand. Sabino already looks like he was chiseled out of stone. Would I mess with him even when his hand was broken? Not a chance. Glad to see an hombre of his nature in the scarlet and grey, and here's to a full recovery.

THE QUARTERBACK PLATOON IS COMING BACK TO COLUMBUS, Y'ALL. It appears "Ol' Dude" Joe Bauserman will be the starter, but Braxton Miller will see plenty of action in the fall. The last time we had a tandem? Justin Zwick and Troy Smith. It still amazes me that there were people who wanted Justin Zwick to be the full time quarterback. Words cannot do justice for how much I hate the platoon system. I think the quarterback, in order to be successful, needs to know that he's the man. With a tandem, I feel like it makes quarterbacks play scared, because if they mess up, they're coming out of the game. Granted, the starter against Akron doesn't matter so much as the starter at Nebraska (or even Miami), but man, I am not looking forward to this at all.


THE LSU FOOTBALL TEAM GOT INTO A BAR BRAWL AND LES MILES IS SORRY ABOUT IT. Ah, the ol' bar room brawl. Everybody is drun, thinking they're the baddest dude in the planet. Strangers bump into strangers, insults are exchanged, until one guy chooses he'd rather talk with his fists. Next think you know, 15-20 football players are banging out and your team's starting quarterback is kicking somebody in the head.

Les Miles of course is on the apology circuit, swearing that he's making his team run a bunch of laps and stuff. (Seriously, it's always funny how coaches assume any moral violation can be washed by just running some more sprints). Baton Rouge Police haven't pressed charges yet, but they do want to speak to Jordan Jefferson and other players. (Some say he'll be arrested this morning). Regardless, there's an old mantra on the streets of Marion, Ohio: "shouldn''t have been talking shit." Sounds like a guy needed a few kicks to the skull to learn this lesson, but I guess some folks just learn lessons slower than others.

DOC TRESS SAYS THEY'LL USE TWO RUNNING BACKS MAINLY AND A THIRD FOR SPECIFIC SITUATIONS. Doug Lesmerises of the Cleveland Plain Dealer tweeted this last night. He then speculated that redshirt freshman Rod Smith would be the odd man out, especially when Boom returns. I'll be salty about this, but stay patient, young Rod Smth. You will have your day in the sun soon enough, my friend.

LACHE SEASTRUNK IS TAKING HIS FOOTBALL AND GOING HOME. The subject of a budding NCAA probe (and somebody with one of the coolest names ever), has been granted his unconditional release from Oregon. The streets are saying he'll be headed to Baylor, where he'll seek immediate eligibility. What a great expenditure of $25,000.

WOODY HAYES COULD MAKE IT RAIN. Here's an article from the Milwaukee Seintinel on April 27th, 1956. Ohio State was put on probation when Coach Woody Hayes admitted to paying unnamed Ohio State football players a total of $400 annually over the course of a couple years. (He said it came out of his personal funds). So this has been going on since AT LEAST 1956, and so far the NCAA's decisions have just driven this thing so far underground, that now the payments have been shifted from coaches to shady sociopaths like Nevin Shapiro. And this is the organization we're trusting to fix the current mess? Is this organization even worth fixing at this point? (No).

OMG THEY SHOULD TOTALLY KILL OFF MIAMI UNIVERSITY'S FOOTBALL TEAM. So, some bro is still upset with "cheating" Miami and thinks this should end with Miami getting the death penalty (which isn't even possible because the U isn't a repeat offender. This is entirely possible, according to our commentor,s through the application of the "willful violators" clause). First of all, when did our country become a country of nancies? Warren G. Harding, the greatest President ever, used to have bacchanalian orgies in the White House. And now Kellen Winslow Jr. crashes a gold-plated jet ski into a yacht and everybody has crocodile tears over the state of college football? And I'm supposed to be upset over this? Please. This system is such a farce I'd be disappointed if it didn't involve 935 million dollar ponzi schemers and prostitutes. (And I hope you all caught Tommy Craggs dumping Yahoo!'s Charles Robinson over the weekend).

YES THEY'RE STILL WRITING ARTICLES ABOUT MICHIGAN'S TRADITION MEANING MUCH MORE THIS YEAR. I'm not saying Brady Hoke will be bad at Michigan, but good lord, could the media be in love with this man anymore than they already are?

FANCY INTERNET THINGS. How a woman who told a man she'd "rather weep in a BMW than laugh and ride a bicycle with you" changed Chinese divorce law... Mark Heisler, formerly of the Los Angeles Times, spills the beans on what it's like to work at a newspaper in the digital age... Ed Hardy the Art Historian (NSFW)... The story of how Russia's richest man ended up in a Siberian prison... A kingly picture of The Eternal King Warren G. Harding... So, are these kids ninjas or something?... Here's how to find a tax haven... IT'S KLOBBERIN' TIME...

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