Seeing Is Believing

By Luke Zimmermann on July 8, 2010 at 7:00 am

Manic schizophrenic or humanity's Paul Revere?

Greetings from this remote broadcast facility in the Philippines, near Makati, Metro Manila. No, I'm not here performing circumcisions with the Tebow Child, but instead bringing you the full, unalienated (pun unintended... or IS IT?) truth beyond all absolute truths.

Pretty chill foliage, bro
Mankind's last refuge.

Any of you familiar with Art Bell or his seminal soothsaying legacy Coast-to-Coast know there are many answers to the questions we have. Seldom are these answers easy to digest and many of them force us to completely rebuild our entire world views from the ground up.

Amongst these truths too real for laypeople's ears: first and foremost, obviously we are not alone. Area 51 was and is a harbor of technologies capable of ending our world in a mere matter of minutes. Bigfoots roam the plains of far north Texas and the mythological Yeti is also all too real. And that's saying nothing of the mind control weapons our government are testing on unsuspecting citizens nationwide without us so much as even being suspicious.

Along these lines, there exist many painstakingly challenging Ohio State football truths for the forthcoming 2010 season that demand our attention. These secrets simply cannot be allowed to go unheard any longer. It's imperative that these do not fall on deaf ears (or blind eyes in this case) or else it may already be too late.

Terrelle Pryor Is Secretly A Real Quarterback (And Will Resemble One In '10)

Despite the best efforts of the rumor mongering of the Maizelomofacists from that state up north, Terrelle Pryor is not a mis-programmed half-man half-machine incapable of looking to pass before running or going through his reads properly in order to put up monster numbers next year. While it is true wealthy boosters (in conjunction with top level Langley scientists) built Pryor some 20 years ago for the very purpose of winning Heisman's and National Championship trophies, they also programmed Pryor with the operative to execute all due diligence necessary to return to the 60% completion percentage 145+ QB rating he showed playing within himself his first season on campus. Be on the look for Pryor's emergence before it's too late for you and yours.

SIMON HUNGRYNever Before Photographed

A Wild John Simon Has Been Captured, Taught To Live Like Man, and Embarrass Human Offensive Lineman

While known mostly for frightening campers and Jack Links Beef Jerky commercials, Coach Tressel and his staff have yet again demonstrated their capacity to do the unthinkable by taming and molding a feral John Simon. Simon, approximated by those who've most closely studied the beast, set the DT's age around 19, likely putting him still a year or two from full adulthood (and the full extent of his powers). Unfortunately for those offensive lineman who will have the displeasure of having to attempt to slow down his relentless drive to literally eat the football, wild Simon's are notorious for their seemingly super human feats of strength when agitated. Even at a tender age such as this particular specimen, heads will roll if anyone dares to raise his ire.

ESPN's Bruce Feldman has it on good authority ($) that based on further anecdotal evidence, Simon simply isn't human:

The pace he sets in the weight room is insane, we're told; what takes most players two hours to do, he'll do in 30 minutes. He can already do 40 reps at 225 and has run an electronic 4.8 in the 40. "He's the only D-lineman we have with a six-pack," reports a staffer.

The Buckeyes are taking some risk by putting such a powerful being on the same field as these ordinary college football players, but it's difficult to debate that it isn't a risk worth taking.

The last 2 teams ranked #1 in Scout's Recruiting Rankings Have Gone On To Win National Championships

Anyone who studies the ethereal and paranormal knows that trends are an important part of predicting what lies ahead (as is the case in the forthcoming extra terrestrial apocalypse). In 2007, Florida took Scout's top billing before going on to defeat Oklahoma in Miami. In 2008, Alabama was awarded top honors before out dueling Texas in Pasadena. In 2009, Ohio State finished on top. Sure naysayers and skeptics would be quick to point out this is but a trend of two and not statistically significant. But isn't that exactly what they want you to think?

Returning easily the most complete team since the 2006 national runner-up team and a defensive line surely on par with the bunch that made Ken Dorsey intimate with the Tempe turf, this incarnation of Ohio State has all the makings of something earth shattering and prolific. The truth, as always, will reveal itself in due time.

What other sub rosa facts about the 2010 season will turn out to be truly stranger than fiction?