The Cleveland Cavaliers tip off the NBA Finals against the Golden State Warriors at 9:00 p.m. on ABC. Don't alert Cavs fans, but I hit a backdoor portal onto their swag-wagon. I don't expect Cleveland to win; Golden State is impossible to beat when it is shooting well, let alone over a seven game series.
But if Cleveland does pull off the upset... I promise the internet I will deliver the post-championship riot coverage it deserves. Somebody just be sure to put the Pulitzer in the mail so my mom can put something on her fireplace mantle in memorial to her mediocre son after I succumb to gunshot wounds suffered during the championship fracas.
BE GONE, DEMON. Folks, I'm old enough to remember a time when Urban Meyer was reviled among Ohio State fans. (It's okay, this is a safe space.) I did not like Urban either, namely because Florida taxed Ohio State by 27 points in the 2007 BCS title bowl, and it could've won by 100 had Meyer ordained it.
Tim Tebow carried the ball 10 times for 39 yards. He completed one pass. He scored two touchdowns, each acting as a battering ram against my increasingly drunken consciousness.
Meyer and Tebow turned a coronation into a night of 40 drinking and self-searching misery. In my true sophomore campaign of college, it's doubtful an athletics loss will ever crush my soul like that again. (No, Cleveland Browns, that is not a dare.)
Obviously, Urban has been cleansed of his original sin. Tebow, though? No.
A lot of wins between these 2 QBs! @JT_theQB4th @TimTebow pic.twitter.com/Msut5j9CMu
— Urban Meyer (@OSUCoachMeyer) June 1, 2016
Tebow could cure me of leprosy, and he would draw no thanks from me. We take sports a little too seriously where I'm from, and Tebow took something from me that cannot be replaced.
Would it have killed him to throw on some scarlet? No. Would it have killed me to let his sartorial choices slide? Yes, so here we are. There should be a law against this kind of thing.
TIMES TOUGH FOR BIG BLUE. People forget when No. 8 Ohio State rolled into Ann Arbor, Michigan on Nov. 28th, it did so as a betting underdog. Michigan, the 10th best team in America, according to the streets, was on a four-game heater, always a big deal to the team up north.
They got smashed by four touchdowns at home. Fast forward to yesterday, and it appears Jim Harbaugh and a priestly Michigan Man have turned to divine intervention to beat the Buckeyes.
Here's Harbaugh joining a fan in prayer while in Indianapolis for one of Michigan's 172 satellite camps this month, via mydaytondailynews.com:
Michigan is going to need all the help it can get if it's to beat Ohio State this year in Columbus.
BUY ALEX BOONE'S SEX CASTLE. Former Ohio State offensive tackle Alex Boone, who is still the biggest person I've ever seen, signed a four-year, $26.8 million deal with the Minnesota Vikings in March.
Given the raise, he's looking to unload his house in Strongsville that comes with an (albeit generic) movie theater and lounging area.
From zillow.com (via Busted Coverage):
PENDING: $379,900
Zestimate: $299,243
EST. MORTGAGE: $2,028/moWhy build when you can move right in to this stunning Castlewood Colonial w/ 100k in custom updates & 4,200+sq.ft of total living space! Attractive curb appeal w/ a stone/brick front facade, side load, 3 car tandem garage & lush professional landscaping w/ sprinkler system; situated on nearly 1/2 acre w/ a privately fenced, extra deep lot! As you enter, you are welcomed by the 2 story foyer w/ hardwood floors & stately white columns, flanked by the elegant dining room & formal living room/den.
If you're thinking of moving to Strongsville, props. However, you better act quick: Zillow says an offer is already pending on the house.
IN OTHER REAL ESTATE NEWS. Perhaps living in an offensive lineman's former house isn't for you. Perhaps you'd rather live in Bexley at a spot in which E. Gordon Gee used to get saucy. Unfortunately, that house won't be hitting the market.
From bizjournals.com:
Ohio State University is set to buy the Bexley mansion used by the school's president for no more than $1, a bargain borne out of a desire to streamline ownership.
Ron Pizzuti and his wife Ann Pizzuti in 2000 donated the house at 80 N. Drexel Ave. in Bexley to the Ohio State University Foundation, the school's primary fundraising arm. In 2007 the foundation transferred ownership to a subsidiary, Clifton Holdings LLC, which began leasing the property to the university for $1 a year.
Former Ohio State President Gordon Gee held many well-known soirees there, and so does current OSU President Michael Drake.
Zillow rates the house at $1.9 million, which seems like quite the hookup for Ohio State. And given that I live within a five-mile radius of that house, I'm going to assume my invites to Michael Drake's soiree got lost in the mail. (This is why I only trust the patriots at the United State postal service with my personal correspondence.)
MARIONTMZ REPORTING LIVE FROM DISNEY WORLD. For those not familiar with MarionTMZ, it's a loose syndicate of Marionaires with an Illuminati-like hand on the pulse of world events. When MarionTMZ reports something, it's legal tender for all debts within the United States.
Here's a wild scene delivered yesterday by our Disney World bureau correspondent:
Saw a woman with a "Fueled by fairy dust and LSU football" at Disney World, which is also Les Miles 2016 team motto.
— Brett Gates (@BrettGates) June 1, 2016
I just broke up with my girlfriend of five years to fly to Orlando to pursue this queen's hand in matrimony. My new alias is Euron Greyjoy (NSFW, Game of Thrones S06 spoilers, etc).
THOSE WMDs. No Gentle Saint... Ben Affleck vaping while wearing his Batman eyeliner... I thought I bought a micropig—I was wrong... How to stay cool for next to nothing... Bioquark cleared to try and revive dead brains... Things I learned doing stock photography modeling.
