The Situational: Silent Night

By Ramzy Nasrallah on December 24, 2014 at 1:15 pm
santa's view
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'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house -

Not a...chance you're going to get any cringey Buckeye-themed holiday poetry out of this space today. Nonetheless, A Visit from Saint Nicholas is arguably the most recognizable homegrown prose in American history.

You won't find a more Murica piece of literature anywhere: It opens with hetero monogamy and sleeping, continues with home invasion and then concludes with unsolicited handouts prior to its happy ending. Comrades, those are five of our greatest pastimes.

In fact, this story is responsible for shaping virtually everything we readily accept about the non-Bethlehem components of December 24th's waning moments: Santa's red furry outfit, his chosen mode of transport, his eight reindeer and their names all come directly from this story. (Rudolph didn't appear until a century later in a Montgomery Ward coloring book - as an explanation to skeptics for how Santa navigates his flying sleigh through inclement conditions)

This poem contains one of the great opening lines in literature, which is also the only place you'll see the archaic contraction 'twas these days. Also very American: Our ability to completely overlook these inconvenient details:

But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer
With a little old driver so lively and quick

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof

He had a broad face and a little round belly

Holy crap, Santa is a little person. You never really thought about it despite reading the story countless times. Even his reindeer are miniature - it must be how he safely lands them and rooftops and slips himself in and out of chimneys without compromising his dryclean-only outfit.

We choose to forget these details because bearded Mall Santas are already at a premium at regular sizes. It's a business decision. Another unfortunate detail we choose to not remember: Its cheery author, Clement Clarke Moore, was a vocal anti-abolitionist who owned several slaves. His only memorable piece of prose pre-dated the sad trombone, but it's still appropriate here.

Also appropriate: A Christmas Eve edition of The Situational. Let's make like chestnuts and get cracking - 

THE WISE MEN

ole miss highest team GPA ever 2.57

Congratulations are in order for the Ole Miss football team:

The NCAA requires a 2.3 GPA which puts the average Rebel on solid footing to be eligible for the Peach Bowl one week from today. That record-breaking 2.57 translates to something between C-plus and B-minus land, and coolest dad ever Hugh Freeze couldn't be prouder.

It's always been convenient to laugh at Mississippi for dutifully being ranked 50th in everything (sparing the other 49 states - especially its neighbors - the indignity of being last) so context is important here: It wasn't long ago that Ole Miss had openly illiterate players on its roster. Freeze's pride is justified.

And while Mississippi ranks first nationally in diploma mills issuing suspicious degrees, Ole Miss is actually selective and it has come a long way academically. That said, just when the Indiana of SEC football finally becomes less of a punchline on the field, its head coach tweets something like this and totally redeems itself.

Speaking of Indiana:

Overlooked aspect of Kelvin Sampson cratering the Indiana basketball program: It was academically bankrupt as well. The Hoosiers may be flummoxed by zone defenses but they've mastered eligibility.

Back to Mississippi - let's check in with the Ole Miss baseball team:

And Ole Miss' arch-rival across the state:

The Rebels may have taken this year's Egg Bowl, but the Bulldogs won the mythical Egghead Bowl. (Willing to overlook Mullen's failure to use hyphens in "all-the-time thing" - this is a celebration)

Ole Miss isn't the only SEC football team breaking its own GPA records:

NERDS. But not as brainy as Ole Miss softball players:

Let's peek at Western Michigan's grade card, where RTB stands for Row The Boat Read The Books:

Arkansas State lady hoops, busy wrecking your preconceived notions about athletes in the classroom:

Kirk Barton chewing on a cigar recalling the glory days dot jpeg:

These are high school football players. America's future is secure, fellow citizens.

The confusingly-named Indiana University of Pennsylvania ladies' tennis team:

A reminder that college is a challenging and even more arduous when you've got sports to worry about. Every generation should be better than the one which preceded it. Let's celebrate the moments that make it clear this is happening, as is the case in Oxford.

Take us out, Evan Spencer's mom:

Dude, it's not a race. Take the full four. Take a fifth-year victory lap. What's the big rush?

The BRIDGE TO NOWHERE

Success with Hors d'Oeuvres
Scott Paterno (The Daily Collegian)

The photo above is of Joe Paterno's youngest son, who is a practicing attorney. Last week he chimed in on Michigan's well-publicized pursuit of Jim Harbaugh:

You may remember Scott Paterno from his role as counsel to his late father - most notably for the statement he prepared for his elderly client to say he had been fooled by Jerry Sandusky. This seemed odd since it was JoePa himself who had reported the shower assault partially witnessed by Mike McQueary to his superiors a decade earlier. 

The point here isn't to dig up and regurgitate the Sandusky tragedy in which grown men repeatedly passed the buck until it was out of their own sights; it's that Scott Paterno is atrociously bad at making comparisons, and I now despise him for forcing me defend Michigan.

Here's the partial statement Harbaugh made while at Stanford regarding Michigan steering its athletes into eligibility majors, here's Michael Taylor living into that statement, and here's the infamous MLive investigation into the academic disparity between Michigan athletes and non-athletes.

And here's the part of Harbaugh's statement that was too boring for headlines:

As great as the institution is at Michigan, I think it should be held to a higher standard. I don't think it should cut corners that dramatically for football and basketball players. I love the university. I got a tremendous education there. I think it should be held to a higher standard. I think it should hold itself to a higher standard.

Harbaugh called out Michigan's safe harbor for athletes which is a far cry from calling its academics a joke. That would be a huge stretch, like suggesting a man who himself reported an eventually-convicted child rapist on suspicion of child rape could also be simultaneously oblivious to the possibility the suspect he reported could be a pedophile.

Alabama pays Nick Saban something just south of what Michigan is rumored to be offering Harbaugh, and its chancellor says Saban is the best investment the university has ever made. Its football program, like Michigan's (and Penn State's) is self-funded. The gravy gets kicked back to the university each year, making big, successful football programs - gasp - an asset for these schools! 

Pouring money into big-time college football has never been more lucrative.

Pouring money into big-time college football has never been more lucrative. Scott Paterno is blurring his frustration over the Freeh Report and the NCAA's clumsy reaction to it with the reality of the crazy culture which allowed Sandusky to have open access to university facilities, stadium boxes and bowl trips for over a decade after he was suspected of being a monster. He's comparing the cowardice of a few individuals at his alma mater to Michigan's pursuit of a superstar coach. 

Michigan, for the first time in what seems like ages, seems to be attempting to do the shrewd thing where its football program is concerned, and there's nothing crazy about it. Scott Paterno is to the legal profession what Jay Paterno was to the coaching profession.

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

Panty melter. You're welcome.
The Herald Angel: Tidings of comfort and joy.

It's Christmas Eve, and in theory it is supposed to be chilly outside. Perhaps you're equipped with a picturesque, crackling fire framed by a quaint living room containing festive holiday decorations. You might be having company - family, friends, strangers or all of three - over for an exchange of stories, some tasty hors d'oeuvres and mirth.

You've got to have mirth. You should also have bourbon worthy of this holiday, whether you're celebrating the birth of the King of Kings or just happy about the upcoming bank holidays. Your beverage should ooze holiday cheer.

I created The Herald Angel specifically for Christmas Eve get-togethers using the following requirements: 1) It should be delicious. 2) It should be challenging to over-consume, because 3) getting trashed on Christmas Eve feels inappropriate. Save that for next week. The Herald Angel is an aide for storytelling and mirth.

To make a Herald Angel we're going to need some angels: Angel's Envy carries a compliant bourbon mash bill and is aged properly, but is then finished in port casks giving it a unique flavor that somehow stays balanced. If you like the idea of vanilla cake topped with burnt sugar you will love this bourbon.

Last year the distillery entered the rye market using a similar concept to its bourbon, utilizing old small-batch cognac barrels that were later used to finish Plantation XO rum to finish its rye. Like the bourbon, the rye carries a bouquet right out of the moment you enter a pastry shop - but both spirits are flexible and accessible enough to be used in sophisticated mixed drinks. Keep your Cokes sheathed.

The Herald Angel
Angel's Envy bourbon 2oz
Angel's Envy rye 2oz
Campari .5oz
Cinnamon stick 1

Take the whiskeys and combine them in a shaker over light ice. Add the Campari and give it no more than three slow, sturdy shakes. This is not a drink that requires obliteration - just get everything mingling and that's it.

Strain it into a tumbler and add a cinnamon stick to use as a stirrer. You now have something to play with as you sip it, marvel at its deliciousness and regale in both your real and fabricated stories of 2014.

Guests whose palates cannot handle the Herald Angel as-is can add a light club soda floater loosen it up, but try to avoid getting it too cold.  This drink going to raise your body temperature, so keep it just cool enough.

Enjoy. Peace on earth and mercy mild.

THE PLAY-OFF

We will end with some poetic balance to Moore's A Visit from St. Nicholas. Behold, the greatest American Christmas song of the past 30 years:

Ironically, Christmas in Hollis lifts and samples its sound another holiday song, Clarence Carter's Backdoor Santa. It tells the time-honored story of St. Nick losing his cash-filled wallet in Queens while taking a break from his Christmas Eve deliveries. Run then finds the billfold in the park and promptly returns it to its owner in the North Pole. 

In neo-classical Santa fashion, St. Nick keeps his wallet but then mails the cash from it back to Run as a gesture for being on the right side of the naughty/nice list. The song was later featured in the original Die Hard, which is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. 

Thanks for reading. Enjoy your Herald Angels and Merry Christmas from Eleven Warriors.

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