Ohio State is playing a football game tonight. It is not the football game that many of us had been hoping that they'd play, but they're in it (likely to win it), and we're going to watch it. These are the things that I'm fairly sure about.
Everything else is up to random chance as far as I'm concerned, because after having read tens of thousands of words about the relative strengths of both teams, I still really can't give you an honest prediction about how the game is going to play out tonight. Braxton Miller and El Guapo could run roughshod all over the Clemson defense, Tajh Boyd could throw for 500 yards, and the game could still end 15-13 on a last second safety because BY GAWD THAT'S CHRISTIAN BRYANT'S MUSIC and he tackles Watkins for a loss in the endzone and we all scream and yell and lose our minds.
I will say this: this is Ohio State's first meaningful bowl game since the Sugar Bowl in 2011. Did you know that there are people alive today who weren't even born in 2011? It's true, and if you're anything like me, you're going to have a hard time wrapping your mind around the game.
The solution? A drinking game created by yours truly, and a bunch of hints and tips that you can use to impress your kids/wife/party guests/spooky ghost that's haunting you/whatever. It's fun, and has the bonus effect of distracting you from potentially life-threatening stress as the secondary confuses themselves for the 41294th time this year.
Okay, so if you're a Twitter user (and if you're not you should be, unless you're @TimBrando) you understand that followers, retweets, and favorites are the only true way to gauge accomplishment in life. @Johnny11W has reached that mythical 1700 follower mountaintop, and it's not because I do dumbass crap like "analysis" or have any kind of special "insight" into what's going on.
Here's my most popular tweet from last night:
"ha ha clinton-dix" is the entirety of an actual jay leno joke from 1998— Johnny (@Johnny11W) January 3, 2014
Now, in all likelihood, that joke has already been made about a thousand times by other people on the internet. Doesn't matter. One hard and fast rule of humor is that penis jokes are always funny, and proof of that is that you just grinned as you read "hard and fast" at the beginning of this sentence.
Poop and fart jokes are always a great staple on Twitter, as are really stupid puns. Also remember that this isn't A Confederacy of Dunces. No one will care how intricately crafted your 140 characters of delicious satire is if there's an embedded picture of boobs right underneath your tweet. Go for immediacy, and if you get more than five retweets that is your green light to loudly repeat the joke over and over until you're thrown out of whatever party you're attending.
Suggested tweeting topics include:
- The name "Dabo"
- Creative insertions of dollar signs in the names of people and teams to imply cheating
- Lengthy lists of things you would do to get Christian Bryant back on the field
- Pictures of your ugly dog in some kind of hat or whatever
Okay, so you've been trying to get mad internet 2.0 street cred and it just doesn't seem to be working. You could drown your sorrows in a river of alcohol like some kind of sad loser, or you could distract yourself from your failures in life by actually watching the game. Which you would then use as a conduit for drowning your sorrows in a river of alcohol.
Drinking games, by the way, are incredible but also very delicate. It takes a steady hand to construct a drinking game that is interesting without being over complicated, and engaging without killing participants in the first 15 minutes. It needs to be simple, easily remembered, and with just the right amount of stupid childishness. Making me just the writer for the job.
TAKE ONE DRINK...
- Every time Matt Millen mispronounces either "Dabo Swinney" or "Tajh Boyd"
- Every time Braxton Miller smiles (easy mode) OR every time Braxton Miller stares stoically into the abyss (hard mode)
- Every time a country song is used for bumper music
- For every shot of a fan from either team showing frustration by clutching at their hair
TAKE TWO DRINKS...
- For every shot of Urban Meyer with his hands on his knees
- Whenever Ohio State does anything on defense that makes you narrow your eyes, frown, and say "Yep."
- Every time Obie, the Orange Bowl mascot, pantomimes something stupid with either Brutus or Clemson's tweaked out Tiger dude.
- If, in a bit of extreme irony, Sammy Watkins gets tackled by his dreadlocks by Ryan Shazier
- If Marcus Hall has to visibly suppress his rage at any point
FINISH YOUR DRINK...
- If, towards the end of the game, Clemson seals a victory with an interception and as their defender runs near the Ohio State sideline, Urban Meyer cocks his fist...
FINISH YOUR DRINK, THEN TWO MORE, TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS, WRAP YOUR BELT AROUND YOUR HEAD AND SCREAM "IT'S GO TIME" IF...
- Braxton Miller gets injured within the first two minutes and it's the Kenny Guiton show
And there you have it, a successful formula for a fun and entertaining evening. Please play responsibly, especially since tonight's low in Columbus, Ohio is projected to be somewhere between "instant death" and "universal entropy."
This is probably going to be the hardest thing for you and I and every other Ohio State fan in the world to do tonight, but on some level, try to let go of your nervousness and inherent pessimism and enjoy the game. This is the last roundup for many great Ohio State players, and win or lose, it's gonna be rough seeing some of these dudes go. Especially since I personally nicknamed one of 'em.
My final advice? Keep an eye out for the seniors on the team, because it's going to be really weird seeing some of these dudes wearing Broncos or Texans or Bengals or, God forbid, Browns jerseys in a few months. It's not the bowl we were hoping for, but hopefully these dudes can put an axe in the head of the BCS once and for all.
I'm looking forward to it.