Surviving the Orange Bowl: Fun and Games Edition

By Johnny Ginter on January 3, 2014 at 2:30p
32 Comments
IT'S A CELEBRATION HA HA HAAA

Ohio State is playing a football game tonight. It is not the football game that many of us had been hoping that they'd play, but they're in it (likely to win it), and we're going to watch it. These are the things that I'm fairly sure about.

Everything else is up to random chance as far as I'm concerned, because after having read tens of thousands of words about the relative strengths of both teams, I still really can't give you an honest prediction about how the game is going to play out tonight. Braxton Miller and El Guapo could run roughshod all over the Clemson defense, Tajh Boyd could throw for 500 yards, and the game could still end 15-13 on a last second safety because BY GAWD THAT'S CHRISTIAN BRYANT'S MUSIC and he tackles Watkins for a loss in the endzone and we all scream and yell and lose our minds.

I will say this: this is Ohio State's first meaningful bowl game since the Sugar Bowl in 2011. Did you know that there are people alive today who weren't even born in 2011? It's true, and if you're anything like me, you're going to have a hard time wrapping your mind around the game.

The solution? A drinking game created by yours truly, and a bunch of hints and tips that you can use to impress your kids/wife/party guests/spooky ghost that's haunting you/whatever. It's fun, and has the bonus effect of distracting you from potentially life-threatening stress as the secondary confuses themselves for the 41294th time this year.

#TAGGIN'

Okay, so if you're a Twitter user (and if you're not you should be, unless you're @TimBrando) you understand that followers, retweets, and favorites are the only true way to gauge accomplishment in life. @Johnny11W has reached that mythical 1700 follower mountaintop, and it's not because I do dumbass crap like "analysis" or have any kind of special "insight" into what's going on.

Here's my most popular tweet from last night:

Now, in all likelihood, that joke has already been made about a thousand times by other people on the internet. Doesn't matter. One hard and fast rule of humor is that penis jokes are always funny, and proof of that is that you just grinned as you read "hard and fast" at the beginning of this sentence.

Poop and fart jokes are always a great staple on Twitter, as are really stupid puns. Also remember that this isn't A Confederacy of Dunces. No one will care how intricately crafted your 140 characters of delicious satire is if there's an embedded picture of boobs right underneath your tweet. Go for immediacy, and if you get more than five retweets that is your green light to loudly repeat the joke over and over until you're thrown out of whatever party you're attending.

Suggested tweeting topics include:

  • The name "Dabo"
  • Creative insertions of dollar signs in the names of people and teams to imply cheating
  • Lengthy lists of things you would do to get Christian Bryant back on the field
  • Pictures of your ugly dog in some kind of hat or whatever

DRINK!

Okay, so you've been trying to get mad internet 2.0 street cred and it just doesn't seem to be working. You could drown your sorrows in a river of alcohol like some kind of sad loser, or you could distract yourself from your failures in life by actually watching the game. Which you would then use as a conduit for drowning your sorrows in a river of alcohol.

Drinking games, by the way, are incredible but also very delicate. It takes a steady hand to construct a drinking game that is interesting without being over complicated, and engaging without killing participants in the first 15 minutes. It needs to be simple, easily remembered, and with just the right amount of stupid childishness. Making me just the writer for the job.

TAKE ONE DRINK...

  • Every time Matt Millen mispronounces either "Dabo Swinney" or "Tajh Boyd"
  • Every time Braxton Miller smiles (easy mode) OR every time Braxton Miller stares stoically into the abyss (hard mode)
  • Every time a country song is used for bumper music
  • For every shot of a fan from either team showing frustration by clutching at their hair

TAKE TWO DRINKS...

  • For every shot of Urban Meyer with his hands on his knees
  • Whenever Ohio State does anything on defense that makes you narrow your eyes, frown, and say "Yep."
  • Every time Obie, the Orange Bowl mascot, pantomimes something stupid with either Brutus or Clemson's tweaked out Tiger dude.

DRINK HALF...

Sooo many questionsObie, tomorrow morning
  • If, in a bit of extreme irony, Sammy Watkins gets tackled by his dreadlocks by Ryan Shazier
  • If Marcus Hall has to visibly suppress his rage at any point

FINISH YOUR DRINK...

  • If, towards the end of the game, Clemson seals a victory with an interception and as their defender runs near the Ohio State sideline, Urban Meyer cocks his fist...

FINISH YOUR DRINK, THEN TWO MORE, TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS, WRAP YOUR BELT AROUND YOUR HEAD AND SCREAM "IT'S GO TIME" IF...

  • Braxton Miller gets injured within the first two minutes and it's the Kenny Guiton show

And there you have it, a successful formula for a fun and entertaining evening. Please play responsibly, especially since tonight's low in Columbus, Ohio is projected to be somewhere between "instant death" and "universal entropy."

FINALLY...

This is probably going to be the hardest thing for you and I and every other Ohio State fan in the world to do tonight, but on some level, try to let go of your nervousness and inherent pessimism and enjoy the game. This is the last roundup for many great Ohio State players, and win or lose, it's gonna be rough seeing some of these dudes go. Especially since I personally nicknamed one of 'em.

My final advice? Keep an eye out for the seniors on the team, because it's going to be really weird seeing some of these dudes wearing Broncos or Texans or Bengals or, God forbid, Browns jerseys in a few months. It's not the bowl we were hoping for, but hopefully these dudes can put an axe in the head of the BCS once and for all.

I'm looking forward to it.

32 Comments

Comments

Borrowed Time's picture

ah this was hysterical, I might try this tonight....

Barnsey69's picture

"It's not the bowl we were hoping for, but hopefully these dudes can put an axe in the head of the BCS once and for all."
Amen brother.

I am a modern-art masterpiece.

FROMTHE18's picture

ditto on that last bit. Im extremely relaxed about this game. I think thats just the acceptance that this defense will give up a billion yards and points and I sat through that B1G Title game in silence with momentary giggles during the derp moments by the offense. I honestly think any 3 and out by Clemson's offense deserves at least 3 drinks. Not trying to hate on the defense, but they are what they are and for us to show up like Michigan State's defense has about as much of a chance as mila kunis and kate beckinsale fighting over me. Best way to watch this game is with a realistic attitude. We will give up yards, points, and miss tackles. We will have some "WHAT THE HELL" moments on defense and offense. The only thing that would really make me angry is using that playbook we used in the B1G title game. Release El Guapo. His last game as a Buckeye. The dude is going to run even harder than he has all year. Let Braxton sling it around and put him in a position to make quick, easy passes thatll open up the occasional bomb to Smith. If we call a good game on offense and Clemson's defense plays very well and stops us, then so be it. But just dont put the offense in a position to struggle, let your playmakers win you the game. Im expecting the Jamal Marcus show tonight, so whenever he does something noteworthy, im drinking. 
Finish a 6 pack if Armani Reeves gets a pick 6. 2 Beers if its just a pick. 1 beer if he forces a fumble. Half a beer if he bats the pass away. 3 drinks for solid coverage while being thrown on. 2 drinks for not getting burned while being thrown on. 1 drink per tackle. 

cplunk's picture

YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY GIRL KATE. 
You've been warned.

FROMTHE18's picture

NEVER...ill take Sienna Miller as a fantastic consolation 

dubjayfootball90's picture

Yea, this has happened too much this year. Made me laugh. Good write up!
 

Whenever Ohio State does anything on defense that makes you narrow your eyes, frown, and say "Yep."

CALPOPPY's picture

1700 follower mountaintop

Damnit! Just as I finally reach the premium lounge on this site...

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

Johnny Ginter's picture

thats the maximum amount of followers you can legally have on twitter btw, anyone with more just created a bunch of alt accounts and then followed themselves hundreds of thousands of times

CALPOPPY's picture

I knew that bitch Katy Perry wasn't that popular! She's gonna hear ME roar!
(sorry, I'm also going for the really bad joke/pun demographic).

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

stittracer99's picture

Keep an eye out for the seniors on the team, because it's going to be really weird seeing some of these dudes wearing Broncos or Texans or Bengals or, God forbid, Browns jerseys in a few months. 

This is what I've been thinking ever since Indy. Suddenly the most important thing for me is watching these guys go out with a W. They deserve it man. And especially for Braxton and Shazier, whose Buckeye careers may very well end tonight. If the good guys don't win this game, and those guys enter the draft, those two will have left The Ohio State University with zero bowl wins and "only" 2 Leaders (Legends?) division championships. 24-game win streak be damned, that shit just ain't right.

DCBuckeyeFille's picture

Enthusiastically agree.  Also, hope Guiton gets a couple of snaps for one last hurrah.

TheShookster's picture

Excellent article.
Also, Twitter is a wonderful thing when not used to tweet at recruits. 

Doc's picture

Johnny thanks for this article. I'm with you on just relaxing and enjoying the game. The win streak took the fun out of it for me. I was too nervous of losing to just enjoy the product on the field. Now that is gone I'm in the mindset now of just enjoying the game. I don't see the secondary being fixed anytime soon, so I have already chalked up a loss(don't hate me).  
Secondly, thanks for penning El Guapo's nickname, may it live for ever.

"Say my name."

Jordan Wagner's picture

Every time you are forced to watch that crappy Nissan Rouge commercial finish your drink. You're welcome. 

cronimi's picture

That song has been running through my head for the past 2 hours and I'm powerless to stop it. It may just drive me over the edge. (But not onto a train -- I saw the warning on the commercial.)

Buckeyevstheworld's picture

:/

"YOLO" = I'm about to do something extremely ignorant/stupid & I need an excuse to do it.

I_Run_The_Dave's picture

Fitting that the Nissan Rogue in that commercial is red.  By the way, I hate it just as much as you, ask my wife!
Still professional driver on closed course.  Do not attempt.

Riggins's picture

Are you willing to foot the bill for everyone's inevitable alcohol poisoning?

BamaBuckeye144's picture

Last time I was this nervous about a game was against Oregon in the Rose. That turned out okay, I think.

OH-IO!

d5k's picture

Were you inspired by seeing Jim Ross on the Oklahoma sideline last night?

Scott's picture

Well done, Johnnie. For additional pre-game fun, give this a try:
Take one drink each time you see:

  • An exclusive shot of cowboy boots
  • Miley touching her hair
  • Acrobatics

(Two drinks for American Flags and the coveted "Swing Boot")

Enjoy getting good ass drunk.

Class of 2008

741's picture

Miley should have stayed like this forever. P.S. I am a dirty old man.

bucknut3011's picture

Doesn't Dabo look like that guy from 30-Rock?

FLAMikey's picture

How many drinks should I consume each time Urban is shown yelling at Kerry Coombs on the sideline?

INTLBUCK's picture

Pulling into Sun Life Stadium now with my family -- first ever bowl game!  Go Bucks!! 
Then a 27 hour straight drive home to NY. Hoping its a good drive home!

Ethos's picture

I would very much enjoy the big ten going 2-0 in the bcs and the sec going 0-2. Yes. If enjoy that a lot. 

"What do you need water for, Sunshine?!" - Coach Coombs, if you don't love this man, you have no soul.

Haybucks's picture

I've tapped my new brew, Buckeye Stout tonight. It's a 10% abv Chocolate & Peanutbutter Milk Stout. I hope the Buckeyes are as good as this brew, but I won't be following the above schedule for drinking.  At least I hope I didn't come morning!

I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions I have no respect.
- Edward Gibbon
 

hetuck's picture

Three fingers of OYO stone fruit vodka.

Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.

Vince Lombardi