The Fake Lantern Campus Week in Review: September 1-7

By The Fake Lantern on September 8, 2013 at 9:00p
Ohio State's new and improved Numbers Garden.


Students across campus panicked at the unexpected lack of the weekly Buckeye Net News email.


OSU Student Wellness began offering free diapers and daycare.

A 7th-year senior was just using a hoodie as a pillowcase at this point.

And a survey found 85% of students were using the "homework is technically labor" excuse.


Our TFL forecast showed a 100% chance of Ohio.

Jordan Hall spin-moved 14 times across a crosswalk on his way to class.

Ohio State loosened its jaywalking stance.

President Gee still wasn't quite sure what his new job is.

And two future divorcees really hit it off on a Tinder date.


A recitation was wasted on a quiz.

According to campus roommates, "Hump day."

And a PAD order from 2012 arrived still kind of warm actually.


Ohio State increased its Numbers Garden budget.

A mechanics professor used a moment at the start of class to make a terrible physics joke.

Smith-Steeb was reportedly somehow already full of volatile mold.

Park-Stradley was proud of itself for not blacking out yet this year.

Everyone else at the library was studying better.

And Ryan Lochte started off OUAB's 'Winning Gold' event with a booming "H-O!"


An anonymous donor purchased half the naming rights to the newly named 'Wexnershon Auditorium.'

A business major was unable to clearly distinguish between the week and the weekend.

And a Union Market applicant was denied for knowing English.


The weird roommate admitted to preferring noon games.

We asked readers, "What team does Ohio State play this week?"

Our extra ticket was sold at the last minute for $10.

A hot chocolate stadium vendor didn't do great.

And a "Ken-ny G!" chant slowly morphed into "M-V-P!"

For more fake news, check out The Fake Lantern and be sure to follow @TheFakeLantern on Twitter.


Comments Show All Comments

brandonbauer87's picture

The gem of the week has to be the Jordan Hall spin-move comment.  

hit_the_couch's picture

I'm gonna be that 7th year senior. Having to hold down a FT job is blasphemy.

And then I told her...i'm no weatherman, but tonight's forecast is calling for several inches!

pjtobin's picture

The Kenny G chant was sweet! They chanted something after each kick too. They did the normal O-H-I-O , then said what sounded like, "rip their freakin head off". Can anyone verify?

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

216ToThe614's picture

"Rip his f****n head off" has been said after the O-H-I-O cheer by the student section for years now. As you would imagine, it is frowned upon by the university and they have made a concerted effort during the buckeye kickoff for freshman to discourage use of that phrase at games

Pick up your feet, turn your corners square! And DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE!!!

Jurmah12's picture

And nor will we stop.

"Where the no fly zone at!?"

Mike Thomas - 11/8/2014

LadyBuck's picture

This has got to be the third year they've done hte "Rip his f'ing head off" chant. Either way, it's amusing and, while the rest of our cheers are PG, this is the only 'bad' one.

AndyVance's picture

I think it's been going on longer than that... I can't help but chuckle every time I hear it. You can't necessarily make it out during the telecast, but in the stadium it's pretty clear.
This week's TFL recap was a killer, btw. Keep it up, Fake Journalists!!!

ChillitownBuck30's picture

"And a Union Market applicant was denied for knowing English"....duh duh chhhh!!  Nice one lol

“Show class, have pride, and display character. If you do, winning takes care of itself.”