The Fake Lantern Campus (Welcome) Week In Review for August 17-24

By The Fake Lantern on August 25, 2013 at 10:00p
Dorm life

Saturday (Campus move-in day)

An Ohio Welcome Leader carrying a 40 lb. box of My Little Ponies didn't sign up for this.

The weird roommate brought curtains.

A dad spent a full hour in the Schottenstein team shop.

Students who worked out twice last year said they missed the RPAC.

A freshman's parents decided they just might stay in the dorm tonight.

A girls' quad discovered they had 6 copies of Mean Girls between them.

A freshman asked where "off-campus" is.

And noone ay Canes was sobers - we rprted live frim rasinC Ane.


OSU Student Wellness was unsure of what small, cheap, disposable item to distribute at the involvement fair.

And upperclassmen across campus agreed that the involvement fair was super fun.


Ohio State's coaches were disappointed in Bradley Roby's open bar tackling.

President Alutto absolutely killed it at convocation.

Ohio State introduced a new on-campus hard hat and steel toe shoes requirement for students.

Dr. Javaune Adams-Gaston, vice president for student life, was wondering who the president is.

The Ohio Union Activities Board announced its next event would be revealed via an 18-month international bloodsport scavenger hunt.

And the weird roommate "pinky promised" to be less immature this year.


Economics majors insisted that nothing at Buck-i-frenzy is actually free.

And TAs across campus were hoping for at least a few hot students.

Wednesday (First day of classes)

The syllabus was longer than the textbook.

Crime brief: A student took a photo of class notes with an iPad.

OSU Student Wellness announced it would begin a condom recycling program.

An investigative report found that an incoming freshman is unfortunately named Erin Craft.

An abnormal psychology professor was as weird as you would expect.

And President Alutto was unsure if he was supposed to ask the students to take pictures together or how does that work exactly.


A professor who takes points off for small errors handed out a 2011 syllabus.

Editorial: Morrill Commons is more like Immorrill Commons.

A sorority sister couldn't even.

And students were excited to celebrate the possibility of dying young at the Band Perry welcome week concert.


Les Wexner bought the naming rights to whatever was left.

A second-year junior had the nerve to call himself a junior.

President Alutto announced "We forgot to put the wells in."

And so far the only thing shared among quad roommates was hatred.


Alarms across campus were set for noon.

And Nick Swisher secretly hoped he would be sent down to the Clippers.

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Comments Show All Comments

buckeyefanatic's picture

After reading this, I said "literally dying right now!"
GO BUCKS, only six more to go.

How many batteries does it take to beat Michigan football?   1AA
Want to beat Michigan? There's an App for that.

BtownBuckeye's picture

Reminds me of an Asher Roth song

ohiowhitesnake's picture

Glad The Fake Lantern is now an 11W front page read! Great stuff

I finally got a set of Gold Pants!

pjtobin's picture

Recycling condoms! Just turn them inside out. I love the fake lantern. Thanks for putting it on front page. 

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

AndyVance's picture

I love these, especially the ongoing cracks at Student Wellness and references to condoms and socially transmitted... things. Well played, Fake Lantern!

Goalscorer9's picture

haha "we forgot to put the wells in" was my personal favorite

brandonbauer87's picture

Fake lantern starts off the new year the same way last year ended. Not fake funny. 

brandonbauer87's picture

Not fake funny = funny 
2 downvotes not understand that?

Basso Profondo's picture

Very funny, very true.