The B1G List: Ranking the Highest Points of the Big Ten

By Johnny Ginter on July 8, 2013 at 2:00p
44 Comments
SO FLAT. SO VERY FLAT.

Heights.

I am an admitted fraidy cat when it comes to anything involving me being more than a couple of feet in the air. I really don't trust my own clumsy ass to not find some way to topple over to my ultimate doom, undone by my inherent desire to deal with a fear of ledges by grabbing on to them with the icy grip of death.

But, paradoxically, I love mountains. Despite doing everything in my power to avoid their summits (accomplished by not trying to go up to the top of them), I do very much love the idea of being surrounded by mountain ranges, like Mother Nature's protective blankie shielding you from harm/encroaching packs of zombies in a World War Z situation. I got a brief taste of this in Japan, but since the other 27 years of my life have been spent in the Midwest, I haven't been able to experience this since I got back from the far east.

So at this point you're probably asking yourself "Uhhh pretty sure that there aren't too many actual mountains in the B1G, are you seriously going to spend upwards of 1200 words on this?" Well, gentle reader, YES I AM, because a) it turns out that the Big Ten in fact does have some nice mountains, b) the high points that aren't mountains are really funny, and c) it's time for a little geography lesson.

A lot of you may think that when we rank things based on height, the higher it is, the more impressive it becomes. Not so. Because "height" is measured from sea level, you can be standing on a flat plain which no discernible elevation for miles, yet still be thousands of feet "high," that is, thousands of feet above sea level. The difference here is something called prominence.

Prominence can get a bit tricky, but in short, it's a measure of how high a point is relative to the area that surrounds it. For instance, Lhotse is the world's fourth highest mountain, at 27,940 feet. But since it shares what's called a col with Mount Everest, it has a prominence of only a few thousand feet. In other words, height alone isn't that impressive.

So with that in mind, this week I have ranked the state's highest points in order from lowest to highest, keeping in mind that just because something is far above sea level does not mean that it's particularly impressive. For the purposes of this suddenly detail-oriented list, I'll be listing both. For the purposes of comedy, however, I will be ranking them purely based on height above sea level.

11. Illinois- Charles Mound

Height: 1,235 feet
Prominence: 95 feet

I'm not even sure why anyone even bothered to map this thing out. It's not a hill, it's not a ridge, it's not even a slope. It's a freaking mound. The opposite of an Almond Joy.

But that hasn't stopped the entrepreneurial spirit of the great state of Illinois; the owners of the land that this earthly nipple sits on actually have the cojones to charge admission to see a slightly elevated patch of land (only June through September, then the mountain snows make the roads impassable). Maybe mounds actually do have nuts.

10. Indiana- Hoosier Hill

Height: 1,257 feet
Prominence: 297 feet

*choral fanfare*TRULY MAJESTIC

Pros: meets the basic definition of a "hill." Cons: is in danger of being overtaken as the highest point in Indiana by a landfill. Which is super hilarious.

9. Iowa- Hawkeye Point

Height: 1,670 feet
Prominence: literally 40 damn feet

Why did Iowa even bother?

"Hawkeye Point" isn't some tongue in cheek label that the state gave its geological abscess of a high point; no, this is try hard mode personified. There's a visitor's center, a weird stone mosaic that resembles a manhole cover if it was designed by tacky Native American fetishists from the 1970s, and like a billion flagpoles.

All this, for a patch of land that is not even a little bit noticeable from the hundreds of square miles of farmland surrounding it. This is like giving your kid 50 bucks for a D in Phys Ed.

8. New Jersey- High Point

Height: 1,803 feet
Prominence: 883 feet

A perfectly acceptable high point, and also very appropriately named. High Point is an actual, factual high point that has some measure of prominence. No, it isn't technically a mountain, but you can hike to the top of it and see three states, it's on the Appalachian Trail, and in true New England form, they stuck a bigass obelisk on the top of it to confirm that yes it is a high point and yes, we as a species spit in the face of millions of years of intricate geological processes.

EAT IT, PALEOZIC ERA.

7. Wisconsin- Timm's Hill

Height: 1,951 feet
Prominence: 425 feet

Honestly, and I don't know why, but I expected more from you, Wisconsin. That's not really fair of me, as you got flattened by the same geologic process that most of the rest of the Midwest dealt with (namely, the last major glaciation of North America), but I dunno, I guess I was expecting to see some kind of bluff arising out of nowhere, like Bret Bielema's big fat gut hanging over the elastic band that comprises the rest of the state.

Anyway. Timm's Hill. It's got a lookout tower. Eh.

6. Michigan- Mount Arvon

Height: 1,979 feet
Prominence: 948 feet

Mount Arvon is painfully close to being an actual mountain, at least, if you're basing the whole thing on prominence, and given that it's got the whole Upper Peninsula thing going on for it, I'm inclined to give it a pass and say that yeah, it's a pretty boss mountain. Also the land at the summit is property of the MeadWestvaco paper company SO STAY THE HELL OUT.

5. Minnesota- Eagle Mountain

Height: 2,301 feet
Prominence: 1,321 feet

Yet another perfectly acceptable mountain. Nice height, good prominence, and there's even a plaque at the top which reads "YO YOU JUST MADE IT TO THE TOP. DA VERY TOP SOOONNNNNN PAUL WELLSTONE HIGH SCHOOL '05 RULES suck it -jeremy" in spray paint, while in smaller etched metal script there's probably some kind of information about the mountain and the historical significance of it to the surrounding area blah blah blah who cares.

What really matters is that the 2005 graduating class of Paul Wellstone High School rules, and I hear there's this kid Jeremy who is really going places.

4. Pennsylvania- Mount Davis

Height: 3,213 feet
Prominence: 653 feet

Another hill, another lookout tower, with an incredible view of the trees directly in front of the lookout tower.

3. Maryland- Hoye-Crest

Height: 3,360 feet
Prominence: 80 feet

I am unabashed in my love for the Appalachian crests that form much of the topography in eastern Maryland. If you've ever driven from Columbus to Washington DC, you know what I'm talking about: gigantic ridges, thousands of feet high, that stretch on for miles and create an insane topographical barrier that was a key factor in preventing invasions from the Mongol hordes during the Revolutionary War. In short, they are just great.

2. Nebraska- Panorama Point

Height: 5,429 feet
Prominence: About as high as Tim Duncan can jump

Ahahahaha! Yes, really. Nebraska has the highest point of any B1G state, and it isn't even close. It's just unfortunate that that high point exists in the middle of the field where that one creepy kid from the Twilight Zone would wish his enemies to.

The best part about this is that bored hipsters driving on their way to Boulder can pay three American dollars to the owner of the property for the privilege of standing in the middle of nowhere, looking at a dumb stone marker, and signing a guestbook that affirms you were dumb enough to drop three bucks to do any of that instead of buying 80% of a gallon of gas.

1. Ohio- Campbell Hill

Height: 1,548 feet
Prominence: 639 feet

Ohio wins again, big shock, whatever. I ignored the rules of my own list and put Ohio first for two reasons. First and most obvious is that I hope consistently putting Ohio at the top of these lists is making someone legitimately mad. Second, Campbell Hill serves the purpose of proving my point about height versus prominence.

Campbell Hill blows. I've been there twice, and yeah it's kind of high up, but who cares. It's a hill with a parking lot and an antenna on top of it, which is about as antithetical to the whole idea of even noting your state's highest point as it gets.

In other words, height is pretty much irrelevant. Any slightly less elevated hill in Hocking Hills is about a thousand times more awe-inspiring than Campbell Hill, and likewise for any number of the states in this list that have beautiful (if slightly shorter) regions within their borders. So instead of going out and trying to find that particular point of interest or whatever, go look for beauty. Because it's all around you, and the B1G has it in spades.


And that will do it! As a final note, I want to solicit ideas from you, gentle reader, as to what lists you'd like to see Ohio arbitrarily be at the top of in future installments. Just  leave your suggestion in the comments, and maybe I'll get working on that for next week!

The B1G List: State Birds | State Mottos | State FlowersState Songs | State Fossils | State Flags | TV Shows | State Trees | State Capitals | State Fish

44 Comments

Comments

cplunk's picture

I gotta go with State quarters or State gemstones. It's time to take these lists financial.

CentralFloridaBuckeye's picture

Yes!  And Ohio will win!

COB's picture

I'm still miffed by the Clarissa Explains It All situation.  I'll never get over it (until football starts).  
 
 

trasch_man's picture

Ranking state criminals, you would think Jeffrey Dahmer would take the cake for Ohio and Frank Clark for Michigan. Seems like it could rustle some feathers too.

gwalther's picture

And Ed Gein's from Wisconsin right? This list could be interesting..

Class of 2008

Unky Buck's picture

You know this is absolutely true...

I hope consistently putting Ohio at the top of these lists is making someone legitimately mad.

God bless internet trolls.

...

Oldschoolbuck's picture

How about "state drinks", Johnny? (Either alcoholic or not!)
Also, for those in the 419 area code, there's a hill near BGSU that must be fill dirt from some construction project. One of my kids ran cross country & that hill was part of the route in meets at Bowling Green! It's probably the highest hill in NW Ohio...

CCatanzaro's picture

4Loko

Dairy-fed intellect and pure, unhinged sass.

 

Scott's picture

Rank prominent battles.

Class of 2008

Buckeye in Illini country's picture

I like CPlunk's idea of quarters.  Or bodies of water. 
Or movies set in the state.  I know you did TV shows but I want to see Airborne make it to the top of one of these lists.

Columbus to Pasadena: 35 hours.  We're on a road trip through the desert looking for strippers and cocaine... and Rose Bowl wins!

Wobble in our Shoes's picture

I would think Shawshank Redemption would make Ohio #1, no?

cinserious's picture

My big sister was an extra in 'airborn'. She got a jacket from Seth green back when he was the cha-ching punk from the original rallies commercials.

Life's daily struggle is choosing between saying F--ck-it, or soldiering on with your responsibilities.  

jedkat's picture

Caves, I would like to see caves.

“The teams that don’t respect their coaches and don’t trust their coaches are the teams that go .500"
~Zach Boren

Michibuck's picture

Second the caves. Old Man's Cave, Ash Cave, Zane Caverns. What else?

jedkat's picture

ohio caverns, indian caverns

“The teams that don’t respect their coaches and don’t trust their coaches are the teams that go .500"
~Zach Boren

Scott's picture

Best island. This may be slightly more obviously rigged than the rest of the B1G List series.

Class of 2008

gwalther's picture

"Mackinac Island is beautiful this time of year.." #Super8
PIB can lead Ohio to victory on account of it's being the Most Drunk island on the list.

Class of 2008

Leanenaud's picture

I think the highest point in Ohio should have been Millenium Force at Cedar point. I know it doesn't fall in with the theme but it's super tall and a helluva lot more exciting than Campbell Hill. Sorry, Bellefontaine. Your hill is boring.

ATXbucknut's picture

Something to do with soup.

BCOM's picture

How about best amusement park?

BCOM's picture

or abusement park...either way, we win!!

Buckeyeneer's picture

Best Fortune 500 company

Best famous sandwich or food item or ice cream maker (Jeni's, Tofts, Handels, etc) or food chain. (Man, I shouldn't have skipped lunch)

"Because the rules won't let you go for three." - Woody Hayes

THE Ohio State University

Dirty419Boy's picture

New Jersey is NOT part of New England. It doesn't even border New England.  As a native New Hampshirite, I found this error to be somewhat offensive.  That and I thought an article on geography should contain accurate geography-related statements.

BuckeyeSaab's picture

HA!  I just logged in to say this. 
Jersey is Mid-Atlantic son, not New England at all.

I'm sorry for not being sorry.

Yamosu's picture

In no particular order:

  • Movies (shout out for Shawshank)
  • Lakes (or bodies of water)
  • Universities
  • Models (Brooklyn Decker are you kidding me) (with images)
  • Rap Stars (or bands)
  • Tax systems
  • Climates
  • Earthquakes
  • Native American Tribes
  • Points of Interest
  • Olympian (just to brag on Jesse Owens)
Buckeye in Illini country's picture

Bell's/ Founders vs. Great Lakes.  That's a good matchup that rivals The Game.

Columbus to Pasadena: 35 hours.  We're on a road trip through the desert looking for strippers and cocaine... and Rose Bowl wins!

USMC11917's picture

Great shout out to Old Man's Cave and Hocking Hills. Laurelville Apple Cider is the best. A tradition in my family, driving through the hills in fall and buying a ridiculously priced $6.50 gallon of Apple Cider.

bukyze's picture

I'd say the highest point in Columbus is whenever Phish comes to town.

harleymanjax's picture

The B1G's hottest cheerleaders...........................MAKE IT SO!

"Because I couldn't go for 3"

pjtobin's picture

The biggest buck ever taken. Or the best hunting. You could do long / recurve bow class, compound bow class, crossbow class, muzzle loader class, shotgun class, pistol class, or even a rifle class. Yes, I know. We are not allowed to use rifles in ohio. 

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

Oldschoolbuck's picture

I want to be hangin' with you when the Apocalypse comes, bro!
Sounds like you're well protected.

builderofcoalitions's picture

FWIW, Campbell Hill has a cool origin story. When the glacier that carved out the Great Lakes headed south, it carved and flattened the northwest corner of the state, roughly creating a diagonal line running from just north of Cincinnati through Lancaster all the way to some place in the northeast corner. To this day, topographic maps provide evidence of just how far the glacier reached before it retreated/melted. Oddly enough, the glacier moved around one little plot just north of modern-day Bellefontaine - home of both the world's shortest street and the first paved street in North America. 

Because we couldn't go for three.

unholy bucknut's picture

That hill is boring i'm a hilbilly i got insight.

CentralFloridaBuckeye's picture

How about "Best all time football Coaches!"  We've got Urban, Tressel, Coop, Earl and of course the great Woody Hayes!  Would be interesting to see how state talent overall stacks up.  Take the top 10 guys from all programs in each state.  Even include D1 to D3.  Some great Coaches have put their mark on the game.  Would love to see this list. 
Go Bucks!!

Eddie-Eddie's picture

Larry Kehres at Mount Union college is one of the top D3 coaches out there.  He's probably built a reputation that would even allow him to be classified as one of the great coaches of all time.  Anyone know if OSU ever tried to have him join the team or if he has any relationship with any  of the coaches?

bukyze's picture

How about just the best state?

Firmthyfriendship's picture

Best bands. Could be by popularity or by genre or something else. You know, Ohio has a whole lot more than Hang on Sloopy.

buckskin's picture

Best babes (although we'd have to find a way to disqualify Ms. Upton).

Boxley's picture

How about largest military training facility. Camp Ravenna Joint Military Training Center located in NE Ohio is 22,570 acres.
As for big bucks taken by 11W members Mine is an 11 point 178 5/8 B&C. Did find a set of sheds this winter, 20 points 235 4/8. Not too shabby

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

Oyster's picture

Unfortunately, Cp Grayling dwarfs CRJMTC.  It has over 140,000 acres and you can run most of the tank tables there plus shoot howitzers. 

May you R.I.P. Otsego, but know this. Gaylord Rocks!

Boxley's picture

Yes, but it is in TSUN. so that is an automatic disqualification.

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

harleymanjax's picture

The highest point in my adopted state of Florida is Britton Hill, elevation 345ft.......prominence 65ft!
There are actually many buildings in this state that are taller!..........lol

"Because I couldn't go for 3"