The B1G List: Ranking the State Mottos of the Big Ten

By Johnny Ginter on April 29, 2013 at 4:30p
40 Comments
We hear you, Pennsylvania

Mottos.

Everybody has one, whether they think they do or not. Sometimes it can be as simple as "if I found it on the ground and it's edible and non-poisonous, you'd better believe that it's got a 65% chance of going in my mouth at some point," or "try to avoid the existential terror of contemplating your place in this universe from both a spatial and practical standpoint."

But either way, it's an omnipresent guiding philosophy that people will usually wildly interpret, leaving you to explain to your mom, in an increasingly irritated tone of voice, that just because it's in Latin doesn't mean that you're a witch and yes, you do like it on your neck as a permanent tattoo (plenty of successful CEOs, US presidents, and professional baseball players had neck tattoos, MOM).

And, like last week, mottos also provide us with a great opportunity to tear down the fanbases of the other B1G teams while simultaneously building ours up, with is always a nice fringe benefit. This week, we will look at the various state mottos of the Big Ten, from the bland to the indecipherable to the bland and indecipherable. Spoiler alert: it's all of them.

11. WISCONSIN: "FORWARD"

What Badger fans think it means: Kicking that Bret habit like a junkie that's hit rock bottom and strutting confidently (and mediocre-ly) into the future with their heads held high. 

What it really means: "Forward." Seriously, this is possibly the worst sate motto. It's literally one word, and it's not even in the top 500 words that anybody would ascribe to Wisconsin, ever. Why not just go with "Cheese" or "Drinking" or "Bleeuurrgurp," a word I just made up to describe that sensation you get from stifling a burp.

What I think it means: Wisconsin found out that there was some federal requirement that they needed a state motto to keep getting their highway repairs or something, panicked, and submitted the first thing they could think of.

10. INDIANA: "THE CROSSROADS OF AMERICA"

LOL YOUR QUARTER HAS A RACECAR ON IT

What Indiana fans think it means: Wow, Indiana is a really happening place to live!

What it really means: That the ad executives who the state hired to come up with the motto were successful in convincing people from Indiana that their state is really a happening place to live.

What I think it means: On one hand, I kind of respect Indiana subtly acknowledging that the only time anyone thinks about their state is when they're driving through it. On the other hand, it's also like the most bland, boring, crowdsourced motto you could possibly come up with.

9/8. NEW JERSEY: "LIBERTY AND PROSPERITY" and PENNSYLVANIA: "VIRTUE, LIBERTY, AND INDEPENDENCE"

What Rutgers and Penn State fans think it means: Loving liberty a whole lot and then trying to come up with some alternative things to also love that sound vaguely patriotic so as to not to tip off any latent communism.

What it really means: Both states are trying to play up their "original 13 colonies" street cred but one is doing a much better job than the other (because people actually care about it being one of the original 13 colonies).

What I think it means: These mottos are exactly the same. I look at these adjectives or whatever the hell they're supposed to be and my eyes glaze over while a Schoolhouse Rock song plays in my head. The only thing that throws me slightly is the inclusion of "virtue" in Pennsylvania's motto, as if they're trying to convince me that they're not like all those other whorish other Mid-Atlantic states.

7. NEBRASKA: "EQUALITY BEFORE LAW"

What Husker fans think it means: Husker fans reach back, far back, into their state's lengthy history to find a meaning that connects past to present and looks with a critical eye to the 1850s as they ahahaha just kidding, they probably think it's about corn or something.

What it really means: There are a lot of highly litigious farmers in the Great Plains region and Nebraska had to codify in their state motto that soybeans and corn must share an equal place setting at the table of justice.

What I think it means: I'm a high school history teacher and have spent the last 10 minutes trying to tease out some sort of Bleeding Kansas reference out of this thing, to no avail. It's probably just residual Live Aid hype.

6. ILLINOIS: "STATE SOVEREIGNTY, NATIONAL UNION"

What Illini fans think it means: "I dunno dude, something about a bank? Maybe?"

What Northwestern fans think it means: A reference to the idea of individual rights for states while at the same time noting the supremacy of the nation-state at the federal level.

What it really means: See above.

What I think it means: That I'm probably being a little too hard on the Illini, since probably every kid in the state has been drilled on Lincoln and popular sovereignty since the day they first stepped into school.

5. MICHIGAN: "SI QUAERIS PENINSULAM AMOENAM CIRCUMSPICE"

Translation: If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you

What Wolverine and Spartan fans think it means: It is in Latin and therefore cool despite probably having zero idea what it actually means without seeing the accompanying translation. Which I don't really fault them for, Latin being a dead language and all.

What it actually means: Michigan is a peninsula. And is nice to look at.

What I think it means: There had to be some kind of competition for the most literal state motto, because if you subtract "pleasant" from this, it's almost like a weird philosophical thought exercise. Also weird is the claim that Michigan is basically just "pretty good."

4. IOWA: "OUR LIBERTIES WE PRIZE AND OUR RIGHTS WE WILL MAINTAIN"

No, this does not mean Kirk Ferentz can do whatever the hell he wants to do.

What Hawkeye fans think it means: "Kirk Ferentz does whatever the hell he wants, all others pay cash."

What it actually means: If any of you even think about coming after the Ames Straw Poll, we will straight up destroy you.

What I think it means: I actually like Iowa a lot. In the abstract sense, not in the physical location sense (if your state seems boring to an Ohioan, you have problems), because Iowa has always seemed like a wildcard when it comes to individual rights and personal politics. I appreciate that, and it baffles me that they let known fly in the ointment Ferentz run rampant. Just pay him the cash and get him out of there already, damn.

3. MINNESOTA: "L'ÉTOILE DU NORD"

Translation: The star of the North

What Gopher fans think it means: There is literally no sweeter sound than mangled French being spoken through a thick Minnesotan accent.

What it actually means: That Minnesota is the northernmost possible geographical location where it isn't yet depressing to refer to how far north it is.

What I think it means: Minnesota's state motto is the only state motto in French, which makes me think that they're up to something. However, the problem with anyone from Minnesota is that if they're up to something they're too polite to engage in any kind of lengthy subterfuge, so I'm not too worried about it.

2. MARYLAND: "FATTI MASCHII, PAROLE FEMINE"

Translation: Manly deeds, womanly words

What Terrapin fans think it means: Eeyyyyy patsa figoli! Porco rosso! Fettucini! Eeyyyy mi paisano! Pizza pizza pizza.

What it actually means: Slightly misogynist, it dates way, way back to the motto of a noble family. In fact, the Italian use is so archaic as to be grammatically incorrect.

What I think it means: This is a great motto, and I think it means that if Terrapin football wants to be cool, stupid alternate uniforms are not the way to go; I think 50k or so Terrapin fans screaming in broken Italian would be a lot more fun and impressive than the ridiculous Twitter fodder they trot out every year.

1. OHIO: "WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE"

It's goooooddd

What Buckeye fans think it means: "With [Urban|Tressel|Cooper|Bruce|Hayes], all things are possible."

What it really means: The state of Ohio was blessed with a ridiculous bounty of good soil, generally non-deadly weather, amazing football, and Skyline Chili. When this part of the country was settled in the mid-to-late 1700s, colonists and early Americans were stunned at the richness of what the state could provide for them after eking out a living amid the rocks and scratch of New England. Ohio was a godsend for them, and that's commemorated in the state motto, as drawn from the book of Matthew in the Bible.

What I think it means: "With God, all things are possible. Like two perfect seasons in a row oh please oh please oh please."


And that's it! You have now been mottotized, with, once again, Ohio coming out on top of the assorted Big Ten rabble. Join us next week as we take a look at the most controversial of topics, state wildflowers. Oh man, I hope we win!

The B1G List: State Birds | State Mottos

40 Comments

Comments

Yamosu's picture

If we don't win the state flower polling, I'll burn down every Viola Sororia in Wisconsin.

Hovenaut's picture

Once again B1G, Ohio (State) is number one.....

"Success - it's what you do with what you got" - Woody Hayes

Gametime's picture

But....But.....HOW?!?!?!?!

...I too dream in color and in rhyme
So I guess I'm one of a kind in a full house
Cause whenever I open my heart, my soul or my mouth
A touch of God rains out...

BrewstersMillions's picture

Lost me at "Blessed with.....and Skyline Chili". That stuff is horse meat masquerading as garbage pretending to be imitation Chili.

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

Johnny Ginter's picture

guess what horse meat is delicious QED

Denny's picture

The man has a point. 

Taquitos.

ATXbucknut's picture

It's true. I try Skyline chili every 5 years just to make sure it hasn't all of a sudden become amazing. I haven't not been disappointed yet. Except for one NYE when I was greased on Night Train and MD 20/20. That night it tasted amazing.

buckeyedude's picture

Wow. Haters.
I absolutely frickin love Skyline. If I had the money, I'd bring a franchise back to Toledo.

 
 

Baroclinicity's picture

Skyline is dog food on noodles.

BrewstersMillions's picture

I regret nothing.
 

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

Gametime's picture

I'm with you on this one Brew, I would gladly REPLACE Skyline Chili with Buffalo Wild Wings since that started in Ohio too.

...I too dream in color and in rhyme
So I guess I'm one of a kind in a full house
Cause whenever I open my heart, my soul or my mouth
A touch of God rains out...

Denny's picture

...speaking of horse meat 

Taquitos.

BuckeyeSki's picture

The Night Is Dark and Full of Terrors

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

AcrossTheField11's picture

Cleveland's motto should always be "Winter is coming... and is going to stay for virtually 70% of the year."

Time and change will surely show how firm they friendship... O-HI-O.

CentralFloridaBuckeye's picture

The Ohio Motto is clearly the coolest!

gbdawg's picture

Skyline is awesome

drumsontheside's picture

Show them Ohio's here!

WB

Dougger's picture

Terrapin fans' translation makes me think of this:

Glad Ohio came on top again.

I like football

Hovenaut's picture

Pizza time

"Success - it's what you do with what you got" - Woody Hayes

hail2victors9's picture

Did you know Little Caesar's owner Michael Ilitch is also the owner of the Red Wings and Tigers? 
The more you know!

Those who stay will be CHAMPIONS!
~Bo Schembechler

buckeyedude's picture

What about Dominoes owner, Hail? Does he own the U of Michigan?

 
 

OSUStu's picture

Wow the Mitten State sure has a knack for crap pizza chains.

If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.  ~ Bruce Lee

CCatanzaro's picture

God, I love Skyline.  Thank you for bringing it up.  I'm also appreciative that I can now say "manly deeds" in Italian.

Dairy-fed intellect and pure, unhinged sass.

 

MN Buckeye's picture

The state motto of Wisconsin simply means,
Forward, to the next bar.

MN Buckeye's picture

Dammit, I don't know any French people in Minnesota!  How did we get a motto like that?!  Besides, it sounds like 'toilet of the north'!

Earle's picture

Yeah, that's a few states to the east.

Italics are for emphasis; an ellipsis represents an unfinished thought.

headina's picture

Indiana's crossroads the 80/90 toll road contain Hammond, IN Gary, IN and South Bend, IN. Should be called the butthole of America. 

GO BUCKS

gwalther's picture

Love Ohio's motto.

Class of 2008

JollyFatMan's picture

Not a fan of Ohio's, mostly because I'm not religious and things are possible with Urban instead. :P

How firm thy friendship..

hail2victors9's picture

Some of these remind me of William Wallace and Braveheart.

Iowa is a close second or 1B, IMO.
 
Who seeks a pleasant peninsula, or otherwise?

Those who stay will be CHAMPIONS!
~Bo Schembechler

jedkat's picture

I knew a girl in college who was always seeking a pleasant peninsula.

“The teams that don’t respect their coaches and don’t trust their coaches are the teams that go .500"
~Zach Boren

Hovenaut's picture

She must have had a sister who went to my school.

"Success - it's what you do with what you got" - Woody Hayes

buckeyedude's picture

Indiana's cracks me up the most. "Crossroads of America." Ha. EVERYBODY thinks they are at the crossroads.
Guess what Indiana, I lived in your state for two years of my life, and it sucked. Definitely NOT at any kind of crossroads. More like fly-over country.

 
 

OSUStu's picture

To me, calling yourself a crossroads is like saying you are the pass-through everyone is forced to visit on their way to somewhere better.  "Thanks for stoppin' by."

If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.  ~ Bruce Lee

johnny11's picture

Indiana isn't that bad man. I lived in speedway most of my whole life right next to the Indy 500. Indianapolis isn't a bad town at all.

buckeyedude's picture

True that. Indy is a decent town.

 
 

Torpedo Vegas's picture

No shout out to Ohio's former motto "Imperium In Imperio" or "Empire within an Empire"?

Jason Priestas's picture

Wow, TIL. Just a brief, two-year window for that one, unfortunately.

jack's picture

Are sure that Maryland's doesn't translate to, "hey girlfriend, pass that fattie."
?

hetuck's picture

I thought Ohio's slogan is what is on the Jim Rhodes statue at the Statehouse: "Profit is not a dirty word in Ohio." That is truly Delaneyesque. 

Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.
Vince Lombardi