B1G Recap: Cool As Ice

By Johnny Ginter on November 4, 2012 at 6:00a
22 Comments

Cool As Ice was the seminal work of Robert Matthew Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice. A major motion picture loosely based on a sad, weird combination of Rebel Without A Cause and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, Cool As Ice details Van Winkle's courtship of the high class Kathy Winslow and that is pretty much it. He raps, hangs out in some kind of Dr. Seussian hellscape that doubles as a mechanic shop, and woos Kathy by being only slightly less disgusting than he appears at first glance. So what I'm saying is that if you thought I used the word "seminal" in the wrong context... no. No I did not.

WOAH woah woah not safe

The last 20 minutes of the movie contains 95% of the plot, where a couple of corrupt cops kidnap Kathy's younger brother because her parents are on the run from them or something—oh God who even cares. Vanilla Ice saves the kid, ramps his bike off a car, and then the last three minutes are him performing some kind of weird homoerotic gymnastics routine with one of his backup dancers while lip syncing to one of the worst rap songs ever created. It turns out Kathy is way into that, and they live happily and horribly ever after.

So to recap: the teams of the Big Ten are Vanilla Ice. We, the easily swayed and impressed fans of the Big Ten, are Kathy, and Kathy's early 90s Rich Jerk boyfriend that she ultimately would've probably been better off with is literally every other major college football conference that exists or has ever existed ever.

We were promised a hero. But we got with the zero.

MICHIGAN 35, MINNESOTA 13

If you saw the preview for this game and said "oh welp no Denard so Michigan is dead in the water" I would've been totally cool with that because it's pretty much exactly what I said when I saw that Senor Shoelace was out of the game. But as it turns out, quarterback-turned-receiver-turned-quarterback Devin Gardner did a pretty decent job against a flailing Minnesota team that has now lost four out of their last five games.

I'll be completely frank here: I have no idea what in the hell Brady Hoke is attempting to accomplish with this team. They were ranked in the top 10 to start the season on the basis of an 11-win 2011, and now they're trying to, what, somehow salvage a B1G championship berth after getting rocked by Nebraska? Congrats Michigan, your real biggest game of the season so far is now the upcoming contest against Northwestern, where a loss would completely screw you from even sniffing at the chance to be the Big Ten's knife in the gunfight that is the BCS.

PENN STATE 34, PURDUE 9

This game was pretty dumb because it featured a successful Matt McGloin (which is always irritating), who threw for 321 yards and two touchdowns, and also because Danny Hope continued his cartoonishly transparent Office Space-esque efforts to get fired. Except instead of sending fish guts to his boss, he's just rotating QBs on every other down. Or maybe he's not trying to get fired! Maybe he sees himself as some kind of Dr. Frankenstein, who through an unholy combination of science and poor decision-making will make a some kind of two-headed monster QB that crushes all before him.

Except he totally is gonna get fired, because as of now he's basically got the quarterbacking equivalent of one of those two-headed goats that appear in the Weekly World News that die a week after they're born because they've only got like half a lung, five kidneys, and no intestine. Seriously, Caleb TerBush and Robert Marve threw 62 total passes against PSU and managed all of one touchdown. With zero seconds left in the game. Awesome.

NEBRASKA 28, MICHIGAN STATE 24

Do you remember the "strong men also cry" scene from the Big Lebowski? It's where the rich Lebowski is sitting in his chair in front of the fire, angrily and sadly contemplating his lot in life (except not really, but just go with it). That's pretty much Mark Dantonio all the time this year.

Take my breath awaaayyyyy

And who can blame him? Taylor Martinez may often be a bum, but as it turns out, the bums do not always lose. Sometimes they go completely ham and rush for over 200 yards and throw for another 160 en route to a 4th quarter comeback victory that puts the Cornhuskers firmly in the B1G driver's seat. Unfortunately that seat is sticky and smells like fifty years of man ass, but it's a seat nonetheless. There was also a really, really bad pass interference call at the end of this game, but as an Ohio State fan I feel like karma dictates that I let that one go.

 

INDIANA 24, IOWA 21

Things that make me happy in life:

  • Well-cited history books
  • A turtle on top of another turtle
  • My enemies driven before me
  • Sorbet
  • A dog with a monosyllabic name
  • Even the slight possibility of Indiana going to the Rose Bowl

There is nothing not hilarious about Indiana in the Rose Bowl, and yesterday, by playing slightly better than an Iowa team that's performing like a guy that just put in his two weeks' notice, they took another step closer to making that a reality. QB Cameron Coffman had a pretty darn good game for the Hoosiers, as they discovered that all you really need to defeat a Kirk Ferentz coached team is a ragtag group of tow-headed aw shucks golly gee darn tootin country kids whose smiles exist in sharp contrast to the persistent and oppressive murky gloom that Ferentz shrouds himself and his team in.

"GHOL ET FLEMIEH TAALOK MAAL" roared the head coach, as he plunged the ceremonial dagger into the thigh of yet another running back. "BRING ME MORE! WEAKER AND MORE INEFFECTUAL THAN THE LAST!"

...

Another week, another dumpster fire. I personally am looking forward to welcoming our Hoosier overlords, and as a trusted internet blogger, I will be useful for rounding up workers for their underground salt mines. Next week Ohio State takes a load off, leaving it to the rest of the conference to make things fun. Will they?!?

The answer is no. No they will not.

22 Comments

Comments

Defiance J's picture

great Lebowski reference

BeijingBucks's picture

No, they absolutely will not.

One man's parity is another man's outhouse effluent

Abe Froman's picture

All dogs need a good monosyllabic name.  Hope will need to get fired.  Hoke will need Shoelace back to beat NW.  For a well referenced History book, try Fingerprint of the Gods by Hancock.  It covers many ancient cultures and is enlightening if you eliminate a few of the theories.

Basking in the wake of mediocrity.....

aboynamedtracy's picture

Johnny, you are so not getting invited to the next B1G media day...
Fact: here in Reykjavik is a place called "Lebowski Bar." Didn't see that one coming, but why not?
Next Saturday will be the football equivalent of dirty undies dude... the whites. And I'm pretty sure Danny Hope kidnapped himself, man...

bukyze's picture

Indiana going to the Rose Bowl would be awesome!  If this comes to fruition, I too would welcome them as our overlords, and volunteer as a laborer in their underground salt mines.

741's picture

Hey, well at least we're house trained, man.
10-0

45OH4IO's picture

Im in Wisconsin for the weekend abd Bret Bielema must enjoy his bye weeks, because every strip club between here and Chicago has a sign of his heda with a red x on it and the word Warning over it...

Poison nuts's picture

You were able to watch all of Cool As Ice? 

"Death created time to grow the things that it would kill" - Detective Rustin Cohle.

Jugdish's picture

A turtle on top of a turtle. Made me think of HS whenever the teacher passed around a jar with two mating frogs. When it was handed to one girl, she exclaimed "Oh, a two headed frog". The class erupted.

Remember to get your wolverine spade or neutered. TBDBITL

Grayskullsession's picture

Oh dear lord I remember that Vanilla Ice movie. What a complete piece of shit. Just seeing pictures brings up horrible PTSD type flashbacks.
I was surprised about Michigan State losing to Nebraska and Purdue basically laying down and dying against Penn State. Its looking good for Ohio State these next couple of years if this is the competition we will be facing.
In related news, isnt it weird how Devin Garnder for TSUN seems to be a better all around QB than Denard?
 

"if irony were made of strawberries, we' d all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now."

MediBuck's picture

Whoa whoa whoa. This was Minnesota we're talking about ;)

"There is a force that makes us all brothers, no one goes his way alone." --Woody Hayes

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

This is a very complicated case, Maude. You know, a lotta ins, a lotta outs, a lotta what-have-yous. And, uh, a lotta strands to keep in my head, man. Lotta strands in old Duder's head. Fortunately, I'm adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regimen to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber. 

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

onetwentyeight's picture

I'm just saying, a lot of people on this site still want the B1G to play the SEC in a yearly football challenge for whatever reason. Yea the SEC isn't full of Alabamas but C'MON LOOK AT THIS BLEEDING CORPSE OF A SAD SICK CONFERENCE. I don't even watch other B1G games anymore. 

Earle's picture

Can a corpse bleed?
This is a weird thread...

Italics are for emphasis; an ellipsis represents an unfinished thought.

osubuckeye4life's picture

Some fine movie references Johnny.
Seriously, how the hell did you watch all of "Cool as Ice"?
I think you might need to get tested for "recreational substances".
Indiana in B1g championship game, maybe the Mayans were right.
I prefer to watch B1G games this year the way they were intented (minus most tOSU games). Tv muted and while playing the Benny Hill theme music. 
 
 

 
 
 

Johnny Ginter's picture

i may or may not have been imbibing certain beverages while watching it, which greatly enhances my tolerance

nickma71's picture

If the Big Ten is so bad, how does ND get all those computer points? Their body of work is Stanford and Oklahoma, neither of which would beat your Buckeyes on a neutral field. The U? Navy? BYU? Those are the big points?

MediBuck's picture

And don't forget Pitt. By virtue of the fact that they suck and are now inflicted with the same vile pestilence that has miasmatically hung around Camp Randall, they should be honorary members of the B1G.

"There is a force that makes us all brothers, no one goes his way alone." --Woody Hayes

Boxley's picture

ND, absolutely should have two losses already. They did beat MSU by more than we did, and they beat Michigan as well. We will have to see how well we beat Meatchicken and do a comparison between the two at that point. I hope we absolutely slaughter the AACC.

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

VHX7's picture

Comparing wins in sports is about the most useless thing you can do. South Carolina beat Georgia 35-7. Florida beat South Carolina 44-11, so you'd think Georgia had no shot against Florida, right?
Comparing win margins is even dumber.

Lon_Paul's picture

Awesome stuff as usual, Johnny!