Cool As Ice was the seminal work of Robert Matthew Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice. A major motion picture loosely based on a sad, weird combination of Rebel Without A Cause and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, Cool As Ice details Van Winkle's courtship of the high class Kathy Winslow and that is pretty much it. He raps, hangs out in some kind of Dr. Seussian hellscape that doubles as a mechanic shop, and woos Kathy by being only slightly less disgusting than he appears at first glance. So what I'm saying is that if you thought I used the word "seminal" in the wrong context... no. No I did not.
The last 20 minutes of the movie contains 95% of the plot, where a couple of corrupt cops kidnap Kathy's younger brother because her parents are on the run from them or something—oh God who even cares. Vanilla Ice saves the kid, ramps his bike off a car, and then the last three minutes are him performing some kind of weird homoerotic gymnastics routine with one of his backup dancers while lip syncing to one of the worst rap songs ever created. It turns out Kathy is way into that, and they live happily and horribly ever after.
So to recap: the teams of the Big Ten are Vanilla Ice. We, the easily swayed and impressed fans of the Big Ten, are Kathy, and Kathy's early 90s Rich Jerk boyfriend that she ultimately would've probably been better off with is literally every other major college football conference that exists or has ever existed ever.
We were promised a hero. But we got with the zero.
MICHIGAN 35, MINNESOTA 13
If you saw the preview for this game and said "oh welp no Denard so Michigan is dead in the water" I would've been totally cool with that because it's pretty much exactly what I said when I saw that Senor Shoelace was out of the game. But as it turns out, quarterback-turned-receiver-turned-quarterback Devin Gardner did a pretty decent job against a flailing Minnesota team that has now lost four out of their last five games.
I'll be completely frank here: I have no idea what in the hell Brady Hoke is attempting to accomplish with this team. They were ranked in the top 10 to start the season on the basis of an 11-win 2011, and now they're trying to, what, somehow salvage a B1G championship berth after getting rocked by Nebraska? Congrats Michigan, your real biggest game of the season so far is now the upcoming contest against Northwestern, where a loss would completely screw you from even sniffing at the chance to be the Big Ten's knife in the gunfight that is the BCS.
PENN STATE 34, PURDUE 9
This game was pretty dumb because it featured a successful Matt McGloin (which is always irritating), who threw for 321 yards and two touchdowns, and also because Danny Hope continued his cartoonishly transparent Office Space-esque efforts to get fired. Except instead of sending fish guts to his boss, he's just rotating QBs on every other down. Or maybe he's not trying to get fired! Maybe he sees himself as some kind of Dr. Frankenstein, who through an unholy combination of science and poor decision-making will make a some kind of two-headed monster QB that crushes all before him.
Except he totally is gonna get fired, because as of now he's basically got the quarterbacking equivalent of one of those two-headed goats that appear in the Weekly World News that die a week after they're born because they've only got like half a lung, five kidneys, and no intestine. Seriously, Caleb TerBush and Robert Marve threw 62 total passes against PSU and managed all of one touchdown. With zero seconds left in the game. Awesome.
NEBRASKA 28, MICHIGAN STATE 24
Do you remember the "strong men also cry" scene from the Big Lebowski? It's where the rich Lebowski is sitting in his chair in front of the fire, angrily and sadly contemplating his lot in life (except not really, but just go with it). That's pretty much Mark Dantonio all the time this year.
And who can blame him? Taylor Martinez may often be a bum, but as it turns out, the bums do not always lose. Sometimes they go completely ham and rush for over 200 yards and throw for another 160 en route to a 4th quarter comeback victory that puts the Cornhuskers firmly in the B1G driver's seat. Unfortunately that seat is sticky and smells like fifty years of man ass, but it's a seat nonetheless. There was also a really, really bad pass interference call at the end of this game, but as an Ohio State fan I feel like karma dictates that I let that one go.
INDIANA 24, IOWA 21
Things that make me happy in life:
- Well-cited history books
- A turtle on top of another turtle
- My enemies driven before me
- A dog with a monosyllabic name
- Even the slight possibility of Indiana going to the Rose Bowl
There is nothing not hilarious about Indiana in the Rose Bowl, and yesterday, by playing slightly better than an Iowa team that's performing like a guy that just put in his two weeks' notice, they took another step closer to making that a reality. QB Cameron Coffman had a pretty darn good game for the Hoosiers, as they discovered that all you really need to defeat a Kirk Ferentz coached team is a ragtag group of tow-headed aw shucks golly gee darn tootin country kids whose smiles exist in sharp contrast to the persistent and oppressive murky gloom that Ferentz shrouds himself and his team in.
"GHOL ET FLEMIEH TAALOK MAAL" roared the head coach, as he plunged the ceremonial dagger into the thigh of yet another running back. "BRING ME MORE! WEAKER AND MORE INEFFECTUAL THAN THE LAST!"
Another week, another dumpster fire. I personally am looking forward to welcoming our Hoosier overlords, and as a trusted internet blogger, I will be useful for rounding up workers for their underground salt mines. Next week Ohio State takes a load off, leaving it to the rest of the conference to make things fun. Will they?!?
The answer is no. No they will not.