Debriefing: Illinois

By Jeff Beck on November 4, 2012 at 9:00a

Illinois arrived in a physical sense, but getting to Columbus in time for kickoff was just about the only thing the Illini did right. Braxton and Carlos prefer the shade of money trees and will surely be lounging in said shade on Sundays if they keep this kind of stuff up. Get smarter. Read the Illinois Debriefing.

Water Cooler Prep (Everything You Need to Know…in More Than One Paragraph)

A three and out by both teams kicked it off before a sustained drive by the Illini ended in a FG, putting them up 3-0. That was the last time Tim Beckman and company would lead.

A steady dose of Carlos Hyde/Rod Smith and a pretty pass to Jake Stoneburner for 24 yards set the Buckeyes up for a Carlos Hyde TD, making it 7-3.

On the ensuing possession, the Illini were once again forced to settle for 3 and it was 7-6 Bucks.

Heading into the second, a solid drive capitalized by a 31-yard beaut of a pass to TE Nick Vannett got the Buckeyes rolling, but the offense stalled in the red zone, bringing in kicker Drew Basil to make it 10-6.

Illinois was subsequently shut down on offense and Braxton’s men took advantage. A couple of nifty rushes by Miller and a 32-yard pass to Philly Brown set up a Hyde TD (his 12th on the year) to widen the lead, 17-6.

In what would become a common theme throughout the game, Illinois failed to answer, giving the ball back with roughly 6 minutes to play in the half.

Following the change of possession, Braxton kick-started a great day through the air, hitting Rod Smith on a wheel route for a 51-yard TD to go up 24-6.

Not Teenage, not mutantPrefers the foliage in Columbus.

Illinois again struggled to move the ball, giving the rock back to an offense that was rolling. Not facing a second down on their entire next drive, the Buckeyes pounded it on the ground and handed it to Carlos Hyde (again) in the red zone for a TD. 31-6 Buckeyes, #blowout.

Coming out in the third, both offenses stalled before Hyde went H.A.M., reeling off a pair of nice runs, ultimately ending in a Braxton Miller TD on the ground for his 13th rushing score of the season. 38-6 OSU.

Shazier, Simon and Williams continued to wipe the floor with most of Illinois’ offense, giving the Buckeyes the ball back at their own 48. Unfortunately scientists have yet to find a cure for Rod Smith’s fumblitiis as he put the ball on the turf, giving the Illini the ball back at the OSU 45. A stout D held the Fighting Scheelhaases, but an iffy late hit on Nathan Williams kept the drive alive, ending in a TD and successful 2-pt. conversion. 38-14 good guys.

Contemporary jazz fans rejoiced as Kenny (I’m a) G led the offense out on the next possession, but he was so unchill on a terrible pitch that was scooped up by Ashante Williams for a 77-yard fumble return. A derp-fest bad snap on the extra point led to the holder diving in for 2 to make it 45-22.

The Buckeyes then jumped on Bri’onte Dunn’s back, feeding him seven straight times for 44 yards and a score. The counter read 52-22, the coaches’ headsets came off, a turtle was won and Vegas rejoiced as OSU covered the spread.

10-0 feels pretty good.

Heard at the Tailgate (The Talk Before the Game)

“Is this the game Urban’s bad boys put up 100?”

“Would love to see Carlos Hyde get the majority of the carries today…keep Braxton healthy.”

“Let’s get through this and into the bye week for the grand finale.”

Heard at the Afterparty (The Deets at the End of the Game)

“Carlos Hyde has transformed into a premier back.”

“If Notre Dame loses and Kansas State drops the ball against Oklahoma State, Braxton’s Heisman campaign kicks into high gear.”

“I hate bye weeks.”

Give That Man a Buckeye Leaf (Player of the Game)

This one was a split decision. How can you pick between Miller and Hyde?

The stat lines speak for themselves

Miller: 12/20 226 yards and 2 TDs, 18 rushes for 73 yards and 1 TD

Hyde: 18 carries for 137 yards and 3 TDs

These guys are both coming back next season. World. Beaters.

Weekly Snot Knocker

With roughly a minute left in the second quarter, Orhian Johnson came up to tackle WR Darius Millines out of the backfield. The collision knocked both players to the ground and took Johnson out of the game with a shoulder contusion.

Did You See That?! (Play(s) of the Game)




Corey Brown okie-doke freakshow making 4-5 guys miss on his way to a 37-yard score.



When You Sank Into Your Chair (The Moment Buckeye Football Disgraced Your Family)

KENNY NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! With the victory comfortably in hand, Kenny mistimed an option pitch leading to a scoop-six for Illinois’ Ashante Williams. No video is available of the play as the Kenny Guiton Heisman campaign does NOT approve of this message.

Jim Tressel’s Least Favorite Moment of the Game

The aforementioned Kenny Guiton ill-informed pitch that led to a score for the wrong team.

Jim Tressel saw the play while rotating the tires on his 2008 Lincoln Towncar (the piece of machinery he purchased for its no-frills performance). He tossed his tire iron in despair and screamed, “A BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH!!!”, which made little sense to anyone watching the scene unfold.

What You Texted Your Friend at the End of Each Quarter

First Quarter: “This team simply does NOT show up in the first quarter.“
Second Quarter: “The biggest halftime lead of the season!!!”
Third Quarter: "Carlos (not to be denied) Hyde. 126 Yards and 3 TDs. Good. God.”
Fourth Quarter: "I got the bye week blues."

It Was Over When

Carlos Hyde pounded it in with roughly 2 minutes left in the second to make it 31-6. You leaned back in your chair and laughed heartily as Tim Beckman packed an emergency lipper.

Bonus Tweet

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