B1G Recap: Liver and Onions

By Johnny Ginter on October 28, 2012 at 6:31a

Mmm, yes. Liver and onions. You're a kid. Your mom puts a plate consisting of a slab of strangely colored meat and foul-smelling vegetables in front of you. You look up slowly. Her expectant eyes bore into your very soul. She made this meal. For you. Because she loves you. You take a nervous, obligated bite.

The one time I could relate to Doug

Almost immediately your mouth begins to reject what you've put in your mouth. The slimy texture of the liver combined with the smell of the onions almost immediately makes you gag and brings you close to tears. "How could anyone enjoy eating this?" you wonder. "This is completely, utterly awful."

Okay, now replace: Liver and onions and any description thereof with "B1G football," a kid with "college football fan," your mom with "Jim Delany," eating with "watching," and loves you with "is glad your cable carrier somehow got cowed by a fledgling regional college sports network."



It was all falling apart for Bret Bielema. A nearly naked, beglittered Barry Alvarez had begun a deadly dance with death he called the "Badger Frenzy." Bret has only seen it twice before. Once was at his wedding. Then it had it been fun. The other time had been in a shared jail cell in Oshkosh after they had been rung up on public exposure charges. That was less fun.

Alvarez began pinballing from one bar mitzvah guest to another, screaming "HIGH FIVE ME IF YOU THINK I'M SEXY" before sending guests flying with an unsolicited belly bump that sent them flying, glittered, and incapacitated. Per Berry's orders, escort Kandi was throwing assorted pocket change in the air and yelling lyrics from Poison's "Nuthin But A Good Time." The scales fell from Bret's eyes, just as they would've if Wisconsin had lost to Michigan State in overtime and Montee Ball had only accounted for 46 rushing yards in a weak, facile effort.

"...I'm not gonna see any bar mitzvah boob, am I?" thought Bielema sadly.


Haha oh man, how funny is it going to be this week to listen to the Ohio State coaching staff call Illinois "a good team" that "plays real hard" and is "coached well"??? Because none of those things are true! At all! Even a little bit! Let me put it this way: Indiana had lost 11 Big Ten games in a row until yesterday, and most of those losses had been on the order of a war crime. Instead Illinois is this years Indiana, which is unfortunate because Indiana is still basically this year's Indiana. Stat of the game? Illinois scored exactly 3 points in the second half against Indiana. Three. A team of asthmatic Computer Camp nerds (OH YOU MEAN NORTHWESTERN AHAHA) could top that.


See, this is why the Transitive Property of Football is a sham and makes no sense, because as often as it can make you feel good about your team, it can also make you feel very, very bad about your team. So let's just ignore that a team coached by a literal chicken egg with a mustache racked up more points, first downs, passing yards, rushing yards, and sexy ladies against Purdue than a team coached by Urban Meyer did. It's...depressing.

I feel ya, pumpkin bro


Once again, Iowa proves that they pretty much have checked out mentally, like a late night grocery store cashier whose money for his flippin' sweet bass system had just been stolen/blown on candy and weed. Not to take anything away from Northwestern, which is playing with their usual "nerdy kid about to take a standardized test" enthusiasm.

Northwestern QB Kain Colter is pretty much a rich man's poor man's (because he's from Northwestern you see) Braxton Miller, and took over the game on the ground, gashing Iowa for 166 yards on the ground and adding another 80 through the air on uhhh 9 attempts? Look, B1G, you don't have to call them "quarterbacks" just because they yell at guys and occasionally throw the football. RB, QB, HB...it's all pretty much the same thing at this point.


Denard, predictably, got hurt during this game, so his backup Russell Bellomy came in and had one of the most horrifically heroic displays of quarterbacking I have ever seen in my entire life. 3/16. 38 yards. 3 interceptions. Somewhere deep in the Canadian wilderness, in a remote wood cabin, a flanneled figure strokes his gingery beard. "Yessss!" intones Joe Bauserman. "Yeeeeeesssss!"

Oh also this game was just awful. At one point there were six straight field goals. God.


BIG TEN FOOTBALL! Seriously guys, I hope you're enjoying being fans of one of the two semi-entertaining teams in this conference. It's almost like everyone else is the Doodletown Pipers and we're AC/DC. That's kinda cool?

See ya next week.


Comments Show All Comments

Buckeyelight's picture

post game reactions of ohio states opponents
0:22 bo pelini
0:25 kevin wilson
0:37 danny hope
0:57 bill o brian
and just to be a total perfect jerk.. brady hoke after his loss to nebraska 0:52

I believe in one thing only, the power of human will. Go bucks.
Woody hayes

741's picture

Questions: Why would anyone put such a video of themselves on YouTube? Why would 3.8 million people watch this?!

Geraffi's picture

Bar mitzvah boob. Liver and onions. Pics if puking pumpkins. This recap has everything!  

larzdapunk's picture

I believe Team Catlab describes B1G football in the most surreal and best way: 

Johnny Ginter's picture


in a minute 28 that said more about the B1G than i could ever say in any of these recaps. better pack it in

poop's picture

Oh man that's awesome!

Doesntwork's picture

lol loved the comment about brady hoke looked the same

Alhan's picture

I know! I was going to ask hey they didn't change him for it, but alas!

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

Geraffi's picture

That's good stuff. Love the sausage factory. 

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

The comment that cracked me up:
Why does Brady Hoke look the same!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

Abe Froman's picture

I am odd.  I love me some liver and onions.  Chicken livers too!  It would especially taste good on a cold Sunday after a Buckeye beat down of Penn State.  By the way, add bacon to the chicken livers after rolling them in flour.

Basking in the wake of mediocrity.....

cplunk's picture

I like me some chicken livers too, but not some B1G football. Past years I'd watch every B1G game I could plus any top ten games. This year I watch us and then whatever game looks interesting. I've been a die hard B1G watcher for 32 years, and the conference is almost off my radar this year. Wow.

Hoody Wayes's picture

Per Bucky's 5th Quarter:
It's confirmed. Joel Stave's family says the UW QB is out for the season with a broken collerbone. Expects to return for spring ball.
— Jake Zimmermann (@Jake_Zimmermann) October 28, 2012
Zimmermann also reports Stave won't have surgery and expects to return for spring practice. This is now Stave's third broken collarbone, and per Zimmermann, he knew it was broken immediately after the hit.

baddogmaine's picture

About that horrific job by the AACC back-up. Hows about 4 of 14 for 35 yards though only one INT. So fewer INT. But it was a starting QB with a full year experience. And oh yeah, that QB contributed about minus 29 yards rushing.  Ya'll know what I'm talking about. I'm just sayin'.

Luke's picture

I think I speak for everyone when I say I have no idea what you're talking about.

baddogmaine's picture

Troy Smith in the 2006 championship game against Florida. Though maybe most Buckeye fans have erased that from their memory.

BuckeyeFanInBoulder's picture

The Bret Bielema saga has me riveted.  I'll be curious to see how he breaks down, finally hits bottom, realizes he has a problem, and calls up camp counselor Tress for advice on turning his life around.

onetwentyeight's picture

Remember when Tim Beckman was bandied about these parts by folks who were afraid of dreaming big (ie dreaming URBAN) as a potential replacement HC for Fick? 

osubuckeye4life's picture

This article pretty much sums up the rest of the B1G.

Johnny Ginter's picture

it sure does

Royball's picture

It sums it up so well, it feels like you did it on purpose

4-6 seconds of relentless effort

What the Fickell's picture

Once again, the Wisconsin debrief painted a vivid visual (not pretty, but pretty funny). Also appreciated the Bauserman bite which I have no reason to belive is not 100% accurate.

Brady Hoke wears scarlet undies.

MediBuck's picture

Johnny, thanks for the Bauserman reference. While watching the game, I pranced gleefully around my apartment cackling "Ann Arbor's Joe Bauserman!!!"

"There is a force that makes us all brothers, no one goes his way alone." --Woody Hayes