B1G Recap: I'm Always Angry

By Johnny Ginter on September 9, 2012 at 6:00a
32 Comments

Sometimes I dream of a day when the B1G isn't a complete and utter embarrassment to the thumpin' bass party that is college football in Urban Meyer's basement. We brought you guys to where the chicks are, and instead of making a move, everybody's throwing up on their shoes.

I don't even know if I can sum up the overall action in the Big Ten this week without resorting to Plinian adjectives, but this morning I guess I'll take a stab at it. Suffice to say that most of the other teams were their usual sad little selves, as Ohio State once again finds itself being the standard bearer for not-sucking-complete-ass.

Look, I get it, rest of the Big Ten. It's the ol' "pile our corpses up so high that they're trapped inside" trick that you're trying out with OSU. In other words, suck out loud long enough, and even the bright heavenly beacon that is Braxton Miller's glowing face will be drowned up in the mire and murk that are the sweaty rolls of flab on Brady Hoke's neck. It's not a terrible strategy when you're terrible, but like most plans borne out of jealousy, it is doomed to backfire. For lo! Big Ten season fast approaches, and the Buckeyes will surely probably maybe run straight though their competition like Logi in an eating contest.

Anyway, lofty, Pulitzer award winning prose aside, the Big Ten had another predictably rough week, which was predictable because the Big Ten is a bad conference. Except Ohio State. Because Ohio State rules.

OREGON STATE 10, WISCONSIN 7

Bret Bielema woke up groggily, smacking his greasy, fishlike lips as he groped for his vomit-soaked Whitesnake t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. His team may have looked utterly befuddled and amateurish against an Oregon State squad that went 3-9 last year, but dammit, he was gonna look classy. Shaking Montee Ball's godawful 4.1 ypc average out of his head, Bret (the Jet, as his friends surely would've called him if he had any) belched a sulfur cloud of hot dog gas and shame as he stumbled out the door of his basement-level apartment.

"Today's the first day of the rest of my life," intoned Bielema, as he lurched slowly in the direction of the nearest Speedway, zipper down and freeballing.

NORTHWESTERN 23, VANDERBILT 13

Oh cool, uh huh, great win for you guys. I'm sure that all five Northwestern fans (two of whom are Stewart Mandel) in the Chicago area are thrilled that the college football equivalent of the Big Green is winning OOC games and that they've got another little scatback in the form of Venric Mark (24 carries, 123 yards) to basically be their offense. You weaselly little turds think that this even counts as a win over an SEC team? Vanderbilt is about as SEC as computers and modern orthodontics are.

In other words, you guys won a nerd fight, congrats. If only you were debating whether Yoda could beat up Gandalf, then you might've won by 50.

IOWA STATE 9, IOWA 6

I know I made a Kirk Ferentz-is-being-paid-way-too-much joke last week, but I also think it's progressing to the point where I literally think that he keeps a stack of hundos in his back pocket to take out and sniff from time to time. You know, kind of a smelling salts thing, which I'm sure came in handy as he watched his hapless offense complete less than 50% of its passes, run for fewer than 70 yards, and gain exactly 3 points off of ISU turnovers.

It's really very cathartic

Damon Bullock had a bad game for a bad team that is going to be pretty buried in the Big Ten's basement this year, which makes Ferentz nervous because that's where he's hiding his precious rubies and emeralds.

MICHIGAN STATE 41, CENTRAL MICHIGAN 7

Le'Veon Bell was a Heisman candidate for like three seconds before he turned in this stinker of a game, rushing 18 times for a total of 70 yards. Not that it was ever in doubt. New flavor of the week Andrew Maxwell threw for over 300 yards and threw for two touchdowns, but let's be real here: are we ever gonna stop pretending at the beginning of seasons that a Heisman winner might come out of Michigan State?

Aside from the fact that the team is coached by a dour ol' stinkypuss who lives to crush the dreams of the young, I'm pretty sure that unless they invent a running back that can still pick up first downs after being ground into a fine dust after several hundred carries, no one coming out of East Lansing is going to win any awards period. Unless excellence in angry, unblinking stares is a contest that I'm not aware of.

INDIANA 45, Massachusetts 6

Indiana beat the tar out of UMass, but their star QB Tre Roberson had to leave the game with a leg injury that hurt the offense more than a little. This game pretty much mirrored that of Ohio State's last week, with of course the exception that everything even remotely related to Indiana other than Parks and Recreation is instantly depressing and unwatchable. The Hoosiers put up nearly 600 yards of total offense, which is surprising because they are Indiana and seem to be much more accustomed to being Indiana, not a pinball machine.

Michigan 31, Air Force 25

The Wolverines escaped by the hairs on their chinny chin chins yesterday afternoon, as they had trouble reconciling the irony in a ground-based Air Force attack, which gashed them for almost 300 yards rushing. It would take Denard Robinson personally accounting for 426 yards of offense and a late game field goal to put this one out of reach. A couple of theories on why Denard Robinson did so well against Air Force are as follows:

  • Felt right at home with height and weight restrictions
  • Girl from the kegger last night called him back
  • Brady Hoke stopped making "jokes" about his hair looking "like a big ol' plate of spaghetti" and then smacking his lips loudly
  • Air Force is in fact a pretty bad team
  • Al Borges finally learned a week too late that it's usually smarter to call plays that his players might be somewhat good at executing

Notre Dame 20, Purdue 17

Well congrats Danny Hope, you successfully fooled the Big Ten into thinking you might be kind of okay for exactly one week. Purdue lost to a middling Notre Dame team that I'm sure Beano Cook is describing in breathless detail to that sexy Maude Jornston from room 133. Purdue scored 10 points in the final quarter to make things at least somewhat interesting, but those points were engineered by Caleb TerBush as Robert Marve got hurt earlier in the game.

What you're smelling is not a QB controversy, but is instead Danny Hope realizing that he can't really make a clone of the redeeming qualities of his two QBs. OR CAN HE?!? Dun dun duunnnnnn!

Virginia 17, Penn State 16

I wish I could blame Joe Paterno for Sam Ficken's missed PAT and four missed field goals, including one that would've won the game for them. So I will! Here's how that whole thing works:

Imagine Joe Paterno is a football. Instead of gigantic glasses and and a wry grin, there is instead bumpy synthetic materials and white stitching, but with a mouth filled with little yellow teeth. I like to think that Joe Paterno is haunting that football, and Sam Ficken was merely trying to do his civic duty by kicking the absolute hell out of it, direction be dammed. Ficken knew it was his one and only shot to be a national hero, but instead of ticker-tape parades and the cover of TIME, we're the ones ripping on HIM. Sad.

MINNESOTA 44, NEW HAMPSHIRE 7

I bet you didn't even know New Hampshire had a football team. Well they do, and unsurprisingly they went with a clever nickname befitting a quirky state like New Hampshire. They're the... Wildcats? That's terrible.

Anyway Minnesota won (Gray had 209 yards of offense) but still remains a lower tier B1G team. Huge shock to you all, I'm sure.

UCLA 36, Nebraska 30

In what was a perfect microcosm of his career, Taylor Martinez looked like some kind of ascendant mythological hero for exactly one play this week, a 92-yard rushing touchdown that made it look like we were staring into the very face of God. Which he then followed up by doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for the remainder of the game. I hope Martinez plans to keep doing this so by the end of the year, Bo Pelini's in a mental institution and I'm laughing my butt off.

Oh and P.S., the Blackshirts allowed SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY THREE YARDS OF OFFENSE, including 344 on the ground. That spells nothing but fun for the OSU rematch.

ARIZONA STATE 45, ILLINOIS 14

You know what, screw you, Illinois. I'm glad you lost. The other teams on this list, it's kind of tongue-in-cheek: "eh heh heh they lost it's funny but not really." Not you guys, you idiots scheduled a west coast time zone game that didn't end until way too damn late o'clock on a Saturday night, knowing full well that I've got to get up early tomorrow. I should've just made up a score and been done with it, but since it's 2 am and I'm in a bad mood, I might as well tell everybody how ASU eviscerated you jerks on the road.

Basically, with Scheelhaase out, Illinois had no real passing game to speak of, which is ironic because ASU totally did, passing for 249 and rushing for another 193. I'm sure the 3 interceptions that the Illini threw were a big help, too. Anyway the moral of the story is that you deserve this butt whipping along with the long, depressing plane ride back to Champaign.

...

And that's a pretty good summation of the B1G's weekend: long and depressing. Join me next week as the Big Ten teams not named Michigan State and Ohio State sink further into Cormac McCarthyian despair, and I get progressively more irritated with Kirk Ferentz's steadfast refusal to write me into his will.

32 Comments

Comments

Bucks's picture

Hard for me to think of a week when the conference looked this bad. Overall, we seem to just have MSU. 
I still get a chuckle out of thinking of the leaders representative in the championship game. Ill, Ind, PSU, Purdue & Wisky... Based off this week, holy crap. MSU free ride to a BCS game!

builderofcoalitions's picture

I'm beginning to wonder who can actually beat MSU. Does that mean they'll be in the BCS national title game?
I mean, Sparty... Oh, wait. I just answered my own question. 

Because we couldn't go for three.

AGL's picture

+ tons for lip smacking  of choke and bielema,  greasy fish like lips. Still laughin,  thanx.

builderofcoalitions's picture

You are straight crushing these B1G recaps. This is becoming my favorite regular feature.
Can someone tell me why Wisconsin received so much preseason love? They lost a ton of talent, including a once-in-a-lifetime talent at QB (for Wisconsin) in diminutive Russell Wilson. Plus, over half of last year's coaching staff is somewhere else. Oh, and Bret Bielema.

Because we couldn't go for three.

cplunk's picture

Don't mock Northwestern. They are the only B1G team to beat a "BCS Conference" opponent this year. And they've one it both weeks with Syracuse (who did ok versus USC) and Vanderbilt (who gave South Carolina big troubles last week).
before any smarta** says the Big East isn't a major conference, take a look at this article again and tell me why the B1G is. We may not be as good as the Big East.

Riggins's picture

Please make this column a permanent Sunday morning fixture.  I enjoy angry Johnny way too much.

Abe Froman's picture

Still can't get the visual of the Whitesnake shirt emerging from the ground floor apartment.....thanks for that Johnny.

Basking in the wake of mediocrity.....

wjpalumbo's picture

Imagine a combination of Chris Farley and Adam Sandler from The Wedding Singer. 

 
 

Johnny Ginter's picture

lots of weird syntax errors have been fixed. sorry about that, i really was writing that at 2 am and was exhausted. i suffer for my art

bukyze's picture

Keep up the good work Johnny!  Tre Roberson is the real deal for Indiana - expect them to pull off a big upset this year in the B1G.  Of course, 'upset' is a relative term this year in the B1G.

awwwwwwop's picture

Maybe if Robersons leg isnt broken

"Who cares? Go Bucks." - Aaron Untch

bukyze's picture

Yeah, I guess that might be an obstacle.

buckz4evr's picture

"Today's the first day of the rest of my life," intoned Bielema, as he lurched slowly in the direction of the nearest Speedway, zipper down and freeballing.
 

  That ranks as one of the funniest quotes of the century.  Not a very pleasant visual, but none the less, hilarious and a great way to start the day.

Jdadams01's picture

So, how many rounds has Montee Ball cost himself in the draft by coming back? Gotta be at least 4.

johnblairgobucks's picture

yep.  though 2012 Oregon State is probably better than your average Oregon State team.

Run_Fido_Run's picture

No way to sugarcoat it: the Big Ten does really, really suck right now.
Take heart, though. The Pac 12 sucked last year, but might be pretty good this year.
If Urbz recruiting approach pays off, it will provide a small boost to other BT programs, by pulling in a handful of superstuds per year from outside the region (to Ohio State), while shifting some other highly rated, but not spectacular, Ohio-based talents to other BT programs.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

I'm guessing the honeymoon is close to be over for Flounder Hoke - that team came amazingly close to losing to Air Force... AIR FORCE for god sake!  There defense looked amazingly weak the entire game.  I really can't see how they don't drop lower with that performance.

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

johnblairgobucks's picture

Hoke is 1-0 in BCS games
1-0 vs Ohio State
Assistatnt coaches will get thrown under the bus to explain this year away.  Next year trying to replace Deeetard will be the excuse.  
The pressure will be squarely on Hoke in his fourth season, when he is 1-2 vs Ohio State and their recruiting classes start to fall into the the 18th and 20th ranked ranges.

larzdapunk's picture

It's a great day to be an Oregon State Beaver.

nickma71's picture

The Big 12 went 0-2 yesterday in their SEC debut. If you didn't watch Missouri, the game was close for quite a while. Which was decieving. Missouri stood up, until they couldn't stand anymore from the heavy blows, which was about midway through the 3rd quarter. Their ball sacks were entirely too small, and they got punched in the mouth with their cute spread offense zone read speed plays. And Florida just isn't very good right now, and would fit in nicely in the Legends or Leaders, to put things in perspective.
Sincerely, Nick the StL

cplunk's picture

Um, no. The SEC went 2-2. The SEC took them, the SEC owns them. 
Yesterdays games didn't prove anything about the Big Twelve BECAUSE THERE WEREN'T ANY BIG TWELVE TEAMS PLAYING IN THOSE GAMES.
but they DID prove that the SEC has a weak team in Missouri.

poop's picture

Shaking Montee Ball's godawful 4.1 ypc average out of his head, Bret (the Jet, as his friends surely would've called him if he had any) belched a sulphur cloud of hot dog gas and shame as he stumbled out the door of his basement-level apartment.

Unreal Johnny.

Poison nuts's picture

I was just about to do & say exactly what you did here^^^Unreal.

"Death created time to grow the things that it would kill" - Detective Rustin Cohle.

Bucksfan's picture

Based on what I've seen so far, the Legends might be a race between MSU and Northwestern.  Wouldn't that be something...Nothwestern vs. Purdue? in the B1G championship game?  B1G be damned.

TheHostileDwarf's picture

Jesus, the B1G went 6-6 yesterday and collectively looked like shit...

Menexenus's picture

The Big Ten's streak of losses in Pac-12 stadiums continues... 
...even though they were favored in 2 out of 3...
<sigh>
It really is shameful.

Real fans stay for Carmen.

Lon_Paul's picture

Awesome column, man!  I was ROFLing the entire article.  Especially enjoyed the Star Wars/LOTR name drops haha. Keep up the great work!

Dougger's picture

I will now look forward to this every Sunday after the bucks play a game. It's been the funniest thing I've read both weekends now. Thanks Johnny. Great stuff

I like football

SPreston2001's picture

I almost lost it when I read "zipper down and freeballing" lol!! Great article!

E2Brutus's picture

Is it possible the B1G is playing some sort of long-con situation like the classic cinema-film Heartbreakers starring Sigourney Weaver and JLo Hewitt? I think there's a casting exercise here... Bielema would obviously play your Sigourney Weaver character.
 

fear_the_nut70's picture

That shit about Bielma is about as funny as the written word gets.  I read that out loud and almost wet myself.  Good stuff, keep it up.