Media Dazed and Confused

By Sarah on July 27, 2012 at 3:00p
Urban, showing Pelini and Denard the serving size of ribs he was able to wrestle away from Brady Hoke. Courtesy of @BTNJourney

Every year, Big Ten football coaches meet with the press on Day One of B1G Media Days. It's usually lacking in entertainment value, but it's the first real hint that the football season is approaching, so fans relish the interviews for that reason alone.

By now, anyone who visits this site should be well-versed about what the conference's coaches and players discussed with the media yesterday. Even with Twitter taking an inopportune break1 in the morning, there was no shortage of up-to-date information.

If you're still catching up, we've got you covered for both days. Want to watch, or just read about, Urban Meyer scoffing at the idea of a "buffer year" at Ohio State or addressing B1G vs. SEC comparisons or the challenges of a postseason ban

Curious to find out what the senior leaders have to say about the incoming freshman and the defensive line? Wondering what Jim Delany's opinion is about the NCAA's jurisdiction in the Penn State case? Simply care to see reporters gather around Urban and his players while wishing they would SPEAK UP when answering questions? 

But what about the goings-on behind the scenes? Sure, Bill O'Brien can stand at the podium and declare, "let me tell you how much respect I have for Bret Bielema", but is that true? Probably not, unless he's super impressed by the amount of sweat Bielema produces. Thanks to a few well-placed sources2, I'm pulling the curtain back on this function and letting you in on what really happens when the cameras aren't rolling. 

What follows is a transcript of interactions between the coaches and a few of the players that you won't find anywhere else. 


Urban: Jordan Hall had to have surgery, yet you're standing here uninjured. How have you not, like, tripped on your shoelaces and broken every bone in your body?

Denard: Just lucky, I guess. Coach Hoke almost sat on me by accident a few weeks ago, but I'm quick, so crisis adverted. 

Urban: All I'm saying is that you're a grown—well, sort of grown—man. Tie your shoes. It's not cute anymore.

Denard: But it's my trademark. 

Urban: It's gimmicky. Oh, and speaking of, do you think I didn't catch that little gesture of yours in last year's game? We'll be making you pay for that one. I already told John Simon that you had some unkind words to say about his sister. 

Denard looks around nervously. 

Denard: I think I'm going to go work on my speech now...

Denard leaves quickly, stumbling a little over his untied shoelaces. 



Bielema: I've seen it 17 times already. Makes me laugh harder each time. Have you watched it yet?

O'Brien: I've never even heard of Ted.

Bielema: B.O.B., you're missing out! There's a theater nearby. Maybe we can go this evening.  

O'Brien: Uh...

Urban walks up and shakes O'Brien's hand.

Urban: Bill, just wanted to express my condolences.

O'Brien: Thanks. Everyone's been telling me that, but I appreciate it.

Bielema: Urbz! We're cool now, right?

Urban: Sure thing, Brent. Now excuse me, I haven't seen John Simon in about 10 minutes. I miss him. 

Urban exits and Bielema sighs.

Bielema: Sometimes I think you're the only other coach who likes me, B.O.B.

O'Brien: Is that Beckman talking to Michael Mauti? I have to go.

O'Brien takes off and Bielema calls after him.

Bielema: Okay. Let me know about the movie later!

O'Brien (muttering to himself): I can't stand that guy. 


Beckman: Nice uniforms. Let me guess: your favorite movie is Stripes.

Fitzgerald: Let me guess: you like your eggs poached. 

A PA announcement comes on in the room.

Announcer: Up next are Kill, Hoke, and Pelini.

Fitzgerald: That's the worst game of Marry, Boff, Kill that I've ever heard.

Wilson - DANTONIO - HOPE - KILL - Pelini 

Wilson: Nice to see you guys again.

Dantonio: Who are you?

Wilson: Kevin Wilson. I'm the coach of Indiana.

Dantonio: They're still trying to play football there, huh? Wait, I thought you had white hair and a mustache. 

Hope: No, if he had a mustache, Jerry and I would've run into him at the Selleck Convention.

Wilson: Well, I'm going to hit the buffet line before Hoke cleans the place out. Talk to you later. 

Wilson leaves.

Dantonio: I've already forgotten his name. 

Kill: It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for. Ever seen Breaking Bad? That man is one good team away from becoming a megalomaniac.

Dantonio: As long as he's coaching Indiana, we don't have to worry about that.



Burkhead: So it's not Mon-tee, it's Mon-TAY?

Ball: Yeah, mainly so I could try to avoid quite so many Let's Make a Deal jokes.

Kirk Ferentz starts to walk their way.

Burkhead: Oh god, is that Coach Ferentz?

Ball: The curse! RUN!

The two running backs book it out of there. 


Hoke: They think I don't hear them laughing about me behind my back, constantly making fat jokes. I'm more than just my weight. 

John Simon is thinking about his next weight lifting fix.Courtesy of @KyleRowland


Hoke: Me too, Bo. Me too. I could really go for some mashed potatoes right now. In fact, it's probably time for meal #9 today.

John Simon approaches Hoke.

Simon: I haven't lifted weights in three hours. I'm going through withdrawal. You're probably the closest person here to my max, so can I bench press you?

Hoke: I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a man!

Simon: If you let me do it, I'll give you my dessert.

Hoke: Sold. 


Bartender: What can I get you?

Dantonio: Scotch.

Bartender: Neat? On the rocks?

Dantonio: The bottle. 

Bartender: How are things going, Mr. Dantonio?

Dantonio: Things could be better, Lloyd. Things could be a whole lot better.


Ferentz: I recently put together a replica of the USS Ticonderoga. I'm telling you, ship modeling is a good time.

Etienne Sabino comes up to Boren and grabs his arm. Boren is startled like he's just been woken up. 

The real reason Silas Redd didn't show up.More dangerous than he looks.

Sabino: Zach, Coach needs to talk to you.

Boren: Okay. Nice talking to you, sir.

Boren reaches out to Ferentz for a handshake, but Sabino bats it away and drags him to another part of the room.

Sabino: What are you doing? Don't tempt the AIRBHG3. Wildcat formation, remember?

Boren: I really hate that name. Sounds too Northwestern.

Sabino: Fine. The Panther formation, then. Just stay away from Ferentz if you want to carry the ball this season.


O'Brien: September 29th. Really looking forward to that one now. 

Beckman: Listen, Bill. I hope there are no hard feelings...

O'Brien: Why would there be? September 29th, September 29th.



Bielema: What that chick did to you was harsh, Denard-dog. Good thing I wasn't using Twitter during my bachelor days, if you know what I'm saying. Nineteen weeks and five days, I've been married...please, remind me what it's like. I miss casino ladies. 

Denard: Um, I don't really have time to go to the casinos.

Bielema: Nineteen weeks and five days! I had to watch House Hunters International the other night instead of Tosh.0. Help me out, D-man.

Denard: I should probably work on my speech now.

Bielema: All right. Just don't make it all girly like Cousins last year. What a sissy.   

Fitzgerald: Your wife is really lucky. 

Bielema: You know it, Nerdwestern. 


Hope: Handlebar.

Kill: Fu Manchu.

Hope: Clubman

Kill. Colonel Conk.

Hope: Burt Reynolds.

Kill: Alex Trebek. 


Simon: Michigan.

Urban: Time for push-ups.

Simon: Yessssss!

Simon drops on the ground and starts banging them out.

Urban: Did the temperature just drop about 30 degrees in here?

Delany: Hello, Urban.

Urban: Jim, didn't see you there.

Delany: So Urban, the Big Ten could really use a national title soon. Will you be ready in year two?

Urban: Except for this one, that's the goal every season.

Delany: Excellent. Who else is going to deliver? Bielema can't even win a Rose Bowl. And on that topic, care to join me later for a "Kiss From a Rose" duet4?  

Urban: John and I have plans.

Simon: I hate Michigan.

Urban: More push-ups.

Simon pumps his fist and continues.


  • 1 Most of us weren't any more productive during the outage as we kept refreshing the page while crying, "Twitter, come back!"
  • 2 Spy cameras, planted bugs, and my mind.
  • 3 I wouldn't laugh at him either, Iowa. 
  • 4 Like this

Comments Show All Comments

Riggins's picture

The Bielema lines were my fav.  "Had to watch House Hunters instead of Tosh.0 the other night. Miss those casino girls."  "Just don't make it all girly like Cousins"  Haha.

Sarah's picture

He's scarily easy to write for. 

Ethos's picture

Agreed the Bielema conversations were the best.  I feel like that really is how he acts.

"I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted." - George Best

hail2victors9's picture

He reminds me of my HS gym teacher

Those who stay will be CHAMPIONS!

~Bo Schembechler

M Man's picture

It's nice that you got a photo of Coach Meyer doing that "I'm crushing your head" thing from "The Kids in the Hall."
Does he do it during games?
I'm crushing you, Denard Robinson, you think you're so fast.  I'm crushing your entire body you tiny little water-bug.  And you Taylor Lewan, I'm crushing your great big head.  Crushing it with my fingers.  Crushing you and you and especially you, Kenny Demens, if you start to blitz on us!  I'm crushing all of your heads!

osu07asu10's picture

I think I missed the humor?

CJDPHoS Board of Directors // Best friends with Homey Hache

The 0 is silent.

buckeyeEddie27's picture


I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

BoFuquel's picture

Nice article Sarah, sure beats that X and O junk.I got way too much of that when I was a kid.GO BUCKS!

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

Poison nuts's picture

Oh god that was funny. I hate writing LOL but I was just sitting here laughing out loud to myself, which almost nothing ever makes me do. Bo Pelini seems to have a lot in common with Brick Tamlin...
Thanks so much - that was great - I LOVE POTATOES!

"Do not pass me, just slow down - I can move right through you" Superchunk - Precision Auto.

El Caballo de Sangre's picture

That game of Eff, Marry, Kill sure does suck but at least it's easy to figure out: you Eff Pelini, Marry Hoke, & Kill Kill. Pelini's crazy means the one Eff would be fun, Hoke is no looker but stable & you know the food would be good, & you'd be doing Kill a favor, just as you would for ANY Minny FB coach.

hail2victors9's picture

I nominate that picture for the "Best caption" contest
"Braxton missed Posey by that much.   Almost got number 8."

Those who stay will be CHAMPIONS!

~Bo Schembechler

Alhan's picture

The Dantonio "Shining" reference was perfect.

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke