Weekend Update Sponsored by 'Bama (-3.5)

By DJ Byrnes on September 29, 2011 at 4:00p
35 Comments
I wanted to write a cliche HAWHAW LOOK AT THESE DUMB IGNORANT SOUTHERN HICKS joke here, but I must admit: this picture is rather awesome. BUT... HOW WOULD AN ELEPHANT HOLD ONTO A CLEAVER?

I'd like to thank Michigan and Notre Dame. As if I needed another reason to loathe their entire existence, they both gave me my only "L's" of last weekend.

I picked against Michigan. Of course, they crushed San Diego State. Fine, I'll admit: Michigan is improved this year. Brady Hoke--whatever, bro. Just consider me patiently waiting for Michigan weekend.

As for Notre Dame--and I picked them to cover--I've seen little girls protect a Justin Bieber lunch-pale with greater ferocity than with which you protect the football. I hope, when you finally realize the flaws in your hilariously arrogant hubris, that Jim Delaney laughs in your face while he polishes his pinkie ring. Sorry, but the Big Ten's quota on trash-ass teams from Indiana is already filled.

Enough about those bums, though. I'm just glad to see that the national media is finally on the Les Miles War Caravan. I love this man. Did you see his awesome quote last week after his team punked West Virginia in their own stadium?

It was like they had a football party, and they invited us.

Only Les Miles saunters into a place featuring 63,000 drunk West Virginians (who are all cheering for his destruction) and calls that place a "party." At this point, there's no reason to put anybody else's life at risk. Why not just crown this man and hope he spares us and our favorite football teams? (Thankfully, the blood magic of Les Miles has stirred NFL interests. Maybe he will be gone next year).

Now, TO THIS WEEKEND'S SLATE.

LAST WEEK: 7-2
SEASON: 23-8

NATIONAL GAMES

#16 University of South Florida at Pittsburgh (+3) - Thursday 8:00 EST - ESPN
Wow, Pittsburgh. Really? Did you not see how hard those Irish were trying to give you last week's game? I don't think Betty Crocker herself could've crafted a better looking platter than the one you were served up last week at that wretched pit that is Heinz Field. As for this game? *googles up the weather report for tomorrow* Hmm, looks like it will be 65 degrees at kick-off in Pittsburgh, so that rules out a gambling pillar of mine: "Always wager against the southern kids playing in cold weather." Though, I'm not sure Pittsburgh has the tools to hang with South Florida's 10th ranked offense. After last week's display of ineptitude against Notre Dame and their collapse against Iowa two weeks ago, what is there to like about this Pitt team? Also, USF is proven on the road this year (Notre Dame beat-down). And did you know, USF's quarterback, BJ Daniels, may be one of the country's best quarterbacks that you've never heard of? He's completing 62% of his passes this year. He has one interception as opposed to 8 TD passes. Oh, and he also has 215 yards rushing in four games). Sorry, bout'cha Pittsburgh.

LESLIE MILES BATHES IN ACID, SO HIS IMMUNITY WAS BUILT UP QUITE THOROUGHLY. GOOD TRY THO, WVU CLOWNS.NOT EVEN A VAT OF ACID STOPPED LES MILES AT WVU

#14 Texas A&M at #18 Arkansas (+3) - 12:00 EST - ESPN
Texas A&M's defensive line and linebackers have amassed 13 sacks this year. Arkansas has surrendered 8 sacks on the season. See the problem the pass-happy offense of Bobby Petrino will face this weekend? Texas A&M controlled most (read: 95%) of the game last week against the Cowboys of Oklahoma State. Arkansas one-upped A&M though by getting the snot kicked out of them in all facets of the game against Alabama. Keep a watch out for Texas A&M's freshman strong safety Howard Mathews. (He's replacing an injured SS Steven Campbell, but the freshman has performed in camp and is ahead of the curve).  As for the game itself: I think it's a pretty easy call--give me the Aggies, you can take the points.

Air Force at Navy (-3) - 12:00 EST - CBS
Ah, it's just like our "Founding Fathers" drew it up. Two branches of the military slugging it out on the grid-iron while an obese nation pretends to feel patriotic as they shove beer-battered chicken wings down their throat while watching this game on their 105" plasma TV! Surprisingly, Navy isn't the best rushing team in this contest. Air Force comes in averaging a mind-boggling 417 yards on the ground per game, but that stat may be a little skewed since Air Force put up 595(!) yards on the ground last week against Tennessee State. Navy about messed around last week and knocked off South Carolina (before falling 24-21). While Air Force RB Asher Clark is no Marcus Lattimore (who, last week, gashed Navy for 246 yards and three TDs), I think I'll take Air Force and the points in this banger.

Kentucky at #1 LSU (-29.5) - 12:20 EST - SEC Network
Good golly, Kentucky is pitiful. They only scored 14 points against Western Kentucky. They got spanked by Louisville. Then, last week, they got absolutely handled by Florida. To get an idea of how disastrous their season has been, feel free to check their Rivals forum out. It's hysterical. As for LSU (who will soon be getting Jordan Jefferson back), well, I think you know where I stand by now. But, if you have any doubts, feel free to check out the video below to have them alleviated. You think -29.5 is anything at all to this man?

#13 Clemson at #11 Virginia Tech (-7) - 6:00 EST - ESPN2
Clemson will bring their revival tour into Blacksburg, where Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer has made a career out of winning games just like this. In Clemson's last trip to Virginia Tech, back in 2006, they were drubbed by the Hokies 24-7. (In fact, Clemson has lost the last five to VT). About the only thing that remains the same since the last time these two teams met is the aforementioned Frank Beamer. Still, I like what offensive coordinator Chad Morris has done with Clemson; their offense has looked electric in wins against Auburn and Florida State. Who has Virginia Tech played so far this year? Eastern Carolina? And, if Virginia Tech's defense comes in creaky--it's over. VT's sophomore signal-caller, Logan Thomas, has thrown an interception for every touchdown he's thrown this year (four). He's also only completing 54% of his passes--so if the game comes down to his arm, then I'll be willing to live with the outcome. Honestly, I like both of these programs, but in this case, I'm going to have to ride with the side which has proven something this year vs. quality teams. It also helps that they're being spotted a touchdown.

#3 Alabama at #12 Florida (+3.5), 8:00 EST - CBS
How in the hell is Florida ranked this high? Their best win came at home against a Tennessee team in shambles. Their quarterback, the heralded John Brantley, has nearly identical stats with whatever stiff, white, southern gentleman that Alabama has playing quarterback this year. I know, I know: Chris Rainey and Jeff Demps are reallllly fast. I also know the potential loss of Alabama linebacker CJ Mosley could hurt the Tide. But, Nick Saban taught Will Muschamp everything he knows, and it's not like Nick Saban is about to pass the torch to one of his pupils just yet. In my opinion, this game might be the easiest call of the year. Alabama allows 45 yards rushing a game. And it's not like Alabama hasn't stopped Jeff Demps or Chris Rainey before. If Florida can't run, what else will they have? (Other than Chris Brantley dropping back and getting sacked or throwing a dumb pick)? Nick Saban and Les Miles are on a crash-course this year, and it's going to take more than Charlie Weis pulling the strings on somebody like John freakin' Brantley to stop it. Alabama will probably beat Florida worse than they beat that child, Bobby Petrino, last week. You can go ahead and write that in stone, too.

WARREN G. HARDING'S $10,000 PRESIDENTIAL power PARLAY

"The Kiksádi warriors, led by their new War Chief K'alyaan (Katlian) — wearing a Raven mask and armed with a blacksmith's hammer, surged out of Shis'kí Noow and engaged the attacking force in hand-to-hand combat." <---- These are the goons in the corner of Warren G. Harding. You want this throne? You can die trying.Warren G. Harding & the War Chief K'alyaan, 1921

The 29th (and greatest) U.S. President, Warren G. Harding, was a renowned gambler, golfer, and lover of life. As such, his words are brought to you here through the medieval art of necromancy. Seeing as President Harding ushered us into economic success unheard of in human history (before being tragically assassinated by his jealous wife--which tanked the economy), his words here might as well come to your doorstep in the form of etched stone tablets. (All views and opinions presented here should be considered only those of Warren G. Harding himself, obvii).

LAST WEEK: -$10,000
THE SEASON'S HONEY POT: +$101,157.02

I know there a lot of you mortal men out there in America right now, reading this. I've read the news. I know a lot of you are struggling. Between having a job you hate, having a wife you know is cheating on you (probably with me), and kids you don't understand... all the while living in a house you can't afford... I understand your plight.

Actually, LOL--I can't lie to you. I don't understand that lifestyle at all. (While I could rehash your life and show you exactly where you went wrong, I'm sure there's nothing I could say that the broken-husk-of-humanity-that-appears-in-your-mirror-every-morning hasn't already told you).

What I'm trying to say is... I too travel through mental valleys from time to time. While my valleys usually involve a lack of either coitus or cocaine, it doesn't mean my pain isn't any less real than yours. Take this last week for example.

As you're aware, Young Jeezy, Rick Ross, and I tore down the famed King of Diamonds strip club in Miami. (It involved your usual champagne-room trysts and the sprinkling of gold coins on other men's daughters). Then, after shooting automatic weapons off in international waters with Chamillionaire on Friday night, I awoke in my Miami suite, intent on collecting last week's $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay winnings and being fellated all afternoon. After watching Eastern Michigan cover by half point, I figured I was well on my way.

Unfortunately, friends, as I'm sure you know by now--UCLA dicked around and ended up winning themselves a game. I have no idea what I was doing wagering on the crippled-kids fight that was UCLA-Oregon State, but I did. And even though the rest of the games covered--it didn't matter. I had failed the streets for a second week in a row.

Overnight, my life seemed less vibrant. Cocaine, tequila, deviant sex... nothing could rouse me from these sudden doldrums. I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't think about retiring the $10,000 Presidential Parlay while engulfed in the deepest pits of my depression.

After three days of doing nothing but sitting on a bean-bag chair, naked and eating cheetohs, I decided to ring an old friend: the War Chief K'alyaan. He's been some-what of a miracle-worker for me in the past. (Wait, you think I rose up from the heroin-flooded streets of Marion to the White House without help? Hahahaha. I guess that's why you're the one trapped in a cubicle right now). 

Twenty minutes after hanging up the phone, there I was, somewhere on the northern tundras of Alaska. I was in the War Chief K'alyaan's hut, wrapped in a bear skin blanket, much like this Indian princess in this picture here.  The War Chief K'alyaan had asked that I bring him a vial of a white woman's bone marrow. (I had to call in some markers on the streets of Marion for that one). After he added the marrow to the mixture in his cauldron, he began waiving his hands while muttering in some unknown, heathenish tongue. After fifteen minutes of what I assumed to be a ritual, he knelt down and smelled his concoction. Seemingly satisfied, the War Chief turned to me.

His charcoal eyes were pulsating, "It is ready, Warren," he said in his trademarked tobacco-scorched rasp. He turned back to the kettle and lowered a laddle into the steaming brew. He put three scoops into a small bowl he was holding. After he had dolled out the reccomended dosage, he looked up at me and said, "It's time to dance with the dragon."

I don't remember the War Chief administering his brew, but I soon found myself standing on a cloud of AK-47s, above all of humanity. Down below, I could see a giant dragon, rampaging its way through the landscape. Mortals--as ALWAYS!!--were absolutely useless.

The next thing I know, Bill Cosby was standing next to me while smoking on a cigar.

He didn't look at me--his eyes were cast to the destruction below. He took a tug on his stogie and then, without changing the angle of his gaze, he said, "Warren, do you see those streets down there?"

"Indeed, Bill, indeed."

"They need you, Warren. And only you. Look at this," he said, gesturing to the desolation below. "These people... they're nothing without you."

As I watched the dragon continue on its swath of destruction--it all began to make sense. I looked down at my right hand. I was suddenly holding a sword of fire. Bewildered, I looked back up at Bill Cosby.

"Now handle the business," Cosby concluded, as he offered me a drag on his stogie, which of course, was Cuban.

As I road, wielding my sword of fire, riding a cloud of AK-47s while en route to the earth's crust to save humanity--I felt invigorated. This is why I had been put on this earth. This was my purpose.

After battling with the dragon for over twelve hours, I had finally rendered it unconscious. There it laid, in the rubble of Taj Mahal, on its back, but still breathing softly.

I walked right up beside the beast's head, knelt down, and whispered in its ear: "This is for THE STREETS." I rose up and readied my sword for an execution.

Just as my blade was ripping open its esophagus--I awoke. I was back in my Miami suite.

This is the power of the War Chief K'alyaan.

Now, some of my advisors have told me, if we continue to wager $10,000 a week, even if we lose out, we'll have still churned a profit on the year. But that's why I pay them--so I can disregard their opinions.

This week, my friends--we're making a power move. This week, the $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay temporarily becomes the $100,000 Presidential Power ParlayThat's right--I'm street-sweeping this week. No more children's games. And if you ain't bout this lifestyle.... well, there's the door. (And behind that door? The family you hate and that job you have where you make another man a whole bunch of money).

According to W.A. Titsworth, my Secretary of Collegiate Football Wagering, investment in this week's special $100,000 Presidential Power Parlay will yield a profit of $260,000. This week's banger goes a little like this: Alabama -3.5, LSU -29.5.

I think this should be pretty straight-forward. Florida is going to get knocked. Kentucky may be the worst team in the country,  and they're on the road, and then, on top of all that, they're also in Leslie Miles' den of dark magic. Do I need to write this in crayon for you?

NEWAYZ, I'm off to my homeland: Marion, Ohio. I have taxes to pay in The City of Kings. (Yes, even the King of Marion pays taxes). What does The City have in store for me? Even I don't know that, but plz believe, I will be getting up-to-date on all my hoodrat vaccinations.

Until next week, my friends; may peace travel with you.

b1g games

Minnesota at #19 Michigan (-19.5) - 12:00 EST - Big Ten Network
Minnesota coach Jerry Kill is out of the hospital and has confirmed he will coach the Golden Gophers as they try for their first win against Michigan since 2005. Michigan coach Brady Hoke, on the other hand, will simply be trying to make sure the Wolverines don't implode, as they have the last two years over the course of Big 10 play. While Michigan's quarterback, Denard Robinson, leads the nation in rushing, I'm sure he'll be looking to prove himself as a passer against Minnesota. (The Gophers come in surrendering 278 yards a game through the air). To make matters worse for the Gophers, their poor man's version of Denard Robinson, MarQueis Gray, has a toe-injury and may not play Saturday. While I'd normally be a sucker and buy into the whole "Minnesota rallies around their nearly-fallen coach and covers +19.5"... I'm not falling for that this week. I think Michigan trounces them decisively.

Office Space: severely overrated. /thirtyyearoldwhitedudesdyingRON ZOOK: A MAN OF MANY TRADES.

Penn State at Indiana (+16) – 12:00 EST - ESPNU
How much would it take you go to go to this game? For me, I'd need at least $1,000 to watch this game and $5,000 to attend it. Seeing as I wouldn't waste my time watching it, I'm not going to waste my time writing about it. In fact, I'm not even making a pick on this game--that's how disgusted I am with what Penn State and Indiana are doing to the credibility of the Big Ten.

Northwestern at #24 Illinois (-8) - 12:00 EST - ESPN2
Did you know, Ron Zook has the Fightin' Ron Zooks at 4-0, something they haven't done since (roughly) 1886? I think the Fightin' Ron Zooks are the real deal (or at least as much as any team coached by Ron Zook can be the real deal). I also think they're undervalued. Dan Persa, who people tried to convince us was actually a Heisman candidate, will be returning from injury this week. I'm slightly concerned about Illinois' pass defense (74th "best" in the nation), but I think it'd require 500+ yards from Persa (again, coming off injury) for Northwestern to win this game. Northwestern couldn't even run the ball on Army--how will they fare against Illinois' 5th-ranked rush-defense? The Big Ten desperately needs Illinois to be good this year, so what the hell, I'll ride with the Fightin' Ron Zooks once again. 

Notre Dame at Purdue (+12.5) - 8:00 EST - ESPN
I hate this game. I wouldn't gamble on this in a hundred years. While the idea of Notre Dame -12 excites me due to the fact they're a turnover machine, the team which I would be taking the points with is Purdue. Yes, the same Purdue team which lost to Rice. (Come to think of it, how pitiful at football is the state of Indiana right now?) Going into last week's game at Pitt, I figured the Irish would use their victory against Michigan State and spring-board it into taking care of the football. They answered my expectations with a fumble and interception. Will they give me the same this week? (I think their position at the bottom of this chart says they will). So, whatever, I guess I'll roll with Danny Hope's mustache.

#8 Nebraska at #7 Wisconsin (-9) - 8:00 EST - ABC
Another game I'd never wager on, although this should be quite the barn-burner. Both these teams have laid claim to the status of "team-to-beat" in the Big 10, with the winner of this game probably assuming that mantle. Wisconsin rolls in after demolishing their out-of-conference schedule by a combined score of 194-34. (The toughest test on that slate came from an abysmal UNLV team). Although Nebraska's out-of-conference schedule wasn't much tougher, at least they had a road trip to Wyoming and a win over Washington. Nebraska, in most of their games this year, has started out slow. If that's the case this week, then the drunken frenzy that is Camp Randall Stadium will devour them whole. Also, if they start slow, Taylor Martinez will have to throw, and we all know what happens when Taylor Martinez has to throw the ball. Wisconsin, behind their offensive line with nobody shorter than 6'4", can now beat you in the air  and on the ground. I'm not sold on Nebraska's defense (not that I'm sold on Wisconsin's yet either). However, only one of these defenses will have to play against Russell Wilson this week. It'll be awesome to watch Russell Wilson finally get his moment in the spotlight, against a respected opponent, on national television. It will just suck his stats will go into Wisconsin's column, but such is life. While I could easily see Nebraska covering late (which is why I wouldn't gamble on this game), I'll hold it down for my man Russell Wilson once again. BUCKY, baby!

35 Comments

Comments

Riggins's picture

The way you list the game spreads is confusing. 

I.e. Alabama at Florida (+3.5)

But your post indicates you think Alabama will crush them.  Wouldn't it make more sense to list the line next to the team you're picking?  Instead of just putting the spread next to the home team? 

I.e. Alabama (-3.5) at Florida

Bucksfan's picture

Not the first time he's messed up his +/- this season.  Kinda makes me question the 23-8 record he's boasting.  I mean, if you are that good at picking against the spread, it's time to buy a house in Vegas.

DJ Byrnes's picture

Hmmmm, I said Alabama was +10 instead of -10. That's the only "mess up" I'm aware of.

As for the listing of the spread, I list it after the home team so it's formatted consistently throughout the article. As for whom I'm picking, the paragraph will answer that question.

As for my record this year, feel free to go back and read for yourself, here, here, here, or even here.

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

BuckeyeSki's picture

Ahem

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

NYC Buckeye's picture

It just looks funny, listing the number next to the home team (as opposed to the side you are taking), even if it is consistent...

as far as your season record, well sir you just added one weekly reader if you keep it up...

DJ Byrnes's picture

I see your point and it's valid. I'll play with it next week and see if I can work a better system out.

As for my record--that train has probably left the station. It's bound to even out at some point. Keep in mind, I'm also the guy giving space to a zombie Warren G. Harding and his decedent travels across the world. The more seriousness that's applied to my words, the worse off it will probably be for everybody involved.

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

Bucksfan's picture

Ah.  Ususally, one puts the line by the team you are picking to beat the spread.  For example, by listing Florida at +3.5, you're picking Florida to beat the spread.  That's why I was confused.

theDuke's picture

just a warning, DON"T EVER question a man from Marion, especially when he's bros with Warren G.

theDuke

Mr. Slick's picture

+1

You get all you can handle from the mean streets of Marion.

klfeck's picture

I have a hard time rooting for Wisky. IMHO, they have the nastiest fans in the B1G. Maybe its because they are always drunk, maybe it is because I almost had to bash a whisky fan for running his mouth about how hard it must be to grow up a buckeye fan while he was sitting behind me and my daughter 2 years ago in the shoe, or maybe it was the spitting incident last year with Sully, but F Wisconsin. 

Kevin
OH!!!!!
Proud parent of a Senior at The Ohio State University

GoBucks713's picture

it's because there's nothing better to do in that state but make cheese, raise dbags, and spread herpes.

-The Aristocrats!

DJ Byrnes's picture

I understand this sentiment. It's why I'm irrationally bitter with Penn State. The last game I attended--the year of Pryor's game-losing fumble in 2008--there was a gang of obnoxious PSU fans staying in the same apartment complex. As I tried to sleep, this dude would just randomly come outside and yell "WE ARE PENN STATE" and then turn on this blow horn that played the PSU fight song (as well as a lion's roar). This went on on until 5 AM. (There were reports a bottle of Lady Bligh may have been thrown the offender's window, but I can't confirm or deny those reports).

Needless to say, I take special joy in any game that PSU either struggles immensely or flat out loses. It makes me smile to know that the bullhorn-PSU guy is out there somewhere, probably piss drunk off the salt of his own tears.

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

JakeBuckeye's picture

or maybe it was the spitting incident last year with Sully, but F Wisconsin.

They won. We lost. Deal with it.

ArTbkward's picture

I actually kinda feel bad for Nebraska as their introduction to the B1G is to play at Camp Randall. At night.

We should strive to keep thy name, of fair repute and spotless fame...
(Also, I'm not a dude)

BenBSD's picture

Miami ran all over you, and Toledo almost beat you. Respect? Even Matt McGloin has played better than your two guys. This will come off a troll I'm sure, but I'm just saying. We held our own against Alabama on defense, and it isn't like you guys are running unholy train on people.

That being said. B1G needs to get it together

Irricoir's picture

Ben see you back here after the game,

Signed Your Tormentor

I don't always take names when I kick ass but when I do, they most often belong to a Wolverine.

Jason Priestas's picture

Ohio State has looked awful for parts of this season. There's no denying that. But, there's also no denying that Saban respects Joe too much to run up the score on him (see also, 2010).

DJ Byrnes's picture

Our team has also been robbed of its senior leadership for the start of the season (including the permanent loss of our quarterback, who was our offensive catalyst) and lost its venerable coach. And, sorry, but there is no way you'd take Matt McGloin over Braxton Miller. I don't believe that for a second.

I thought YOU WERE PENN STATE? And now you're saying things like "We held our own on defense," as if you deserve a ribbon of accomplishment for such a feat?

Yeah, Ohio State may be a little down this year. (The jury is still out on that, by the way). But, we've also carried any shred of national credibility this conference has left on our backs for the better part of the last decade.

This millenium, your "legendary" coach and program have an Orange Bowl victory over a team imitating Florida State. As an Ohio State fan, I'm kinda glad we may be down this year. Even though I do nothing other than watch the team, even my back was starting to feel sore from carrying the carcass of Joe Paterno.

Yes, the B1G needs to get it together, but the problem doesn't start in Columbus.

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

SouthBayBuckeye's picture

stfu  DIAF. penn sucks rusty robot dong.

Banned from ATO since June 3rd 2PMish PST

Riggins's picture

I might be worried about having to face Penn State if we played them tomorrow, but we don't play you guys until the week before the Michigan game.

See the thing is, while our teams might look evenly matched right now, we are breaking in a ton of young talent.  And while our young guys continue to get better over the course of the year, your seasoned crew of "never was" will continue to suck.  See you Nov. 19th.

Bucks43201's picture

what do you guys think about Georgia Tech -10 @ NC State

 

thanks

"You win with people." - Woody Hayes

NYC Buckeye's picture

Im never a big fan of laying double digits on the road team, however Ga Tech is 4-0 ats and NC St is 0-4, so you might have just sold me...

Rooster Buckburn's picture

Anyone else think Les Miles looks a little like Dave from Storage Wars?

YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!

toledobuckeyefanjim's picture

Miles gets his resident punk-thug Jefferson back for the UK game. Like he will need him.

This shows Ohio State was too harsh on itself to punish the tatted gang five games. The suspensions should have been only two games. These kids did nothing criminally wrong. They didn't get charged with battery, like Jefferson did after the bar brawl.

Jugdish's picture

Is it really true that Jefferson has proved he should be punting too?

Remember to get your wolverine spade or neutered. TBDBITL

GoBucks713's picture

I see what you did there.

-The Aristocrats!

klfeck's picture

Couldn't agree more

Kevin
OH!!!!!
Proud parent of a Senior at The Ohio State University

Buckeye_Mafia's picture

So was Jefferson's lawyer also available to the non-football players of LSU who were involved in said bar-brawl? No, you say?!? How is that NOT impermissible benefits? And yes, we were too harsh on our players and will STILL probably get more punishment. SEC! SEC! SEC!

Adolphus Washington is half grizzly bear and half dragon | Noah Spence kills quarterbacks, just to watch them die.

Jugdish's picture

There is no rhyme or reason to what is going on. The NCAA is not consistent in the interpretation of rules or the punishment that is being doled out. If I wasn't losing my hair so fast, I would pull some of it out.

Remember to get your wolverine spade or neutered. TBDBITL

slippy's picture

I wonder if you even watch the games.

 

Oklahoma St completely dominated the 2nd half of that game.  BJ Daniels is not a good qb.

DJ Byrnes's picture

You're right, his stats are terrible and he and the USF offense have been atrocious. 60% pass completion and 8/1 TD ratio. (He added a rushing touchdown to that total last night). As the hub of the 10th nationally ranked offense, he's "not a good QB".

As for the OK ST/Texas AM game, Texas A&M won 3 out of the 4 quarters. So yeah, I guess my math is off.

Do I watch every single moment of these games? No, but I'm not out here presenting myself as some wonk with insider knowledge, lmao. I'd suggest you re-read this banger and ask yourself: is  a guy writing about Les Miles' blood magic really whom I want to use all my INTERNET IS SERIOUS BUSINESS points on?

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

slippy's picture

I didn't mean stats.  But if we're going that route his 2 games against legitimate opposition he was 36/66 (54%) for 351 yards with 1 TD and 0 int.  Not exactly good.

 

Also saying A&M "won" the 4th quarter doesn't mean anything.  OSU had the lead and played like it.  The game was theirs after halftime.

 

I understand it's just partially for fun (probably mostly) but there's been some errors and omissions in this segment as the season has passed.  I also realized I sounded like a dick in my first comment and totally didn't mean to come off like that - so I apologize for that.

DJ Byrnes's picture

I don't claim to be infallible nor have I ever been, or ever will be, above errors.

I'm not a credible source on college football and I'd like to think I make no allusions to being such. My goal with this column (besides giving a platform to our Great Leader Warren G. Harding) is to make dumb jokes and shed a semblance of light on what games are on this weekend. 

I'm sure you're alluding to the Skip Holtz-ECU gaffe and the poorly worded joke about Ricky Stanzi's immortality at Iowa. That's fair.

I suppose our definition of "good" college quarterback is up for debate as is the exact percentage of which Texas A&M controlled last week's game, but--in all honestly--feel free to leave any other corrections or what you feel to be omissions in the comments. I have no problem with being corrected and learning new information. For example, upon research, my listing of the spread after every home team (though consistent) would confuse people who read a lot of gambling columns. So, next week I'll be changing the format of the game headers.

As for your tone or whatever, no offense taken. Or, as we say in Marion, "it ain't no thang, baby."

 

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

Bucks's picture

DJ, I enjoy your pieces & the way you write/come at it. Don't change it up.

sharkvsghost's picture

President Harding's gambling advice is slowly becoming my favorite thing of the week on the internets.

swing hard in case you hit it.