Monday Skull Session

By DJ Byrnes on August 15, 2011 at 6:00a

Greetings, gentle readers. Are y'all ready to pay your weekly soul tax to your corporate masters? Thankfully, I don't concern myself with any of that nonsense, only because I'll be winning the MegaMillions tomorrow. My next Skull Session will probably be comin' at ya live from Belize, where I'll be rubbing my toes in pink sand. U jelly, bros? I'd probably be too.

Also, there is a movie coming out featuring Colin Farrell as a vampire? With a stern looking McLovin? America, my old friend, on your day of reckoning, you certainly will have to explain the millions of dollars swirling around a production of this nature, especially given all the pight in this world. Although, I suppose the idea of watching Colin Farrel having a wooden stake driven through his sternum is quite titillating to to me.


MIAMI, COME ON DOWN AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE! Well, well, well. The Pinkertons are currently en route to the U to beat around the bush about a man who goes by the name of "Nevin Shapiro" a.k.a. "Lil' Dookie", a Miami booster whose given $150,000 to Miami University and whose connections go back to the Larry Coker era.

Lil Dookie makes the Fine Line Tattoos weed/memoribilia racket look like a child's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. He's currently doing a a quick 20-year bid for a $930 million dollar ponzi scheme he concocted. Of course, since he's got nothing better to do now, he's claimed he's going to write a tell-all book about some of the gifts he bestowed upon some Miami players, because that's what responsible adults who've given black market cash to 18 and 19 year olds do. (Devin Hester, among others, is allegedly connected to this guy).

This re-teaches us all a valuable lesson: when a man has a moniker like "Lil Dookie" (or hell, even the name "Nevin" for that matter), and people say he's either in "exports or imports" or they're not even entirely sure what line of work he's in... but yet he drives around Escalades and Range Rovers.... he's probably not a guy who should be trusted.

I AM SO TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT BRADY HOKE. Did you know Brady Hoke "gets it"? He's changing the culture?  On and on and on. What is so revelatory about the coach of Michigan having expectations this year? Have I been reveling so much in Michigan's despair that I've failed to realize just how pathetic they've become over the years?

I also get a kick out of how he's riding his Segway around up there (this is how I like to envision he travels everywhere) like he's the second coming of Bo Schembechler (who currently resides in the 7th Circle of Hell) when he's really a homeless man's Rex Ryan who has won as many games at Michigan as I have. Brady, you've been at Michigan for like two months, bro. Quit your posturing.

Also, you know what would be weird? If you were a prisoner on death row, and you kept a clock on your wall counting down the time to your nationally televised execution. This is what has happened in Ann Arbor. I also love how he calls Ohio State, "Ohio", as if it's some slight to OSU or some great psychological ploy? Then again, I suppose Michigan does have beef with the entire state of Ohio, considering Toledo once scored 13 points and beat them a mere 3 falls ago.

CAM NEWTON'S BAGMAN AND A WITNESS HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED BY A USA TODAY  HANDICAPPER? Of course, we all have to wait until Danny Sheridan goes on Paul Finebaum's radio show this weekend to spill the beans. (It wouldn't be as dramatic, otherwise. And yes, I'm as surprised as you are to see the USA Today commit a random act of journalism).

Is there any cooler concept than a bagman? Surely, there is, but I'm having a hard time coming up with one. Shady people meeting in back alleys and exchanging duffel bags full of money is always an awesome scenario. It's truly the American way. This whole saga illicits so many questions. How is that withdrawal handled? How does a minister go about approaching somebody to launder the money?  What's the first move on something like that? Did the rich Auburn alum who bought Cam Newton's services run around naked yelling, "THIS WAS THE BEST $300,000 I EVER SPENT!!!" after the War Eagle won the national title? What's it like having somebody chuck a bag of ~$300,000 on your kitchen table? I don't know the answer to any of these questions, and it disappoints me. I guess I need me a bagman.

Alabama. That's the joke. GET IT!?

Dudes who dress as women and think it's funny... well... JOKES ON THEM, CLOWNS.Cam Newton's tooth $$ slush fund: EXPLAINED.

THE LA Times THINKS OHIO STATE IS THE 19th-BEST TEAM IN THE COUNTRY. God, I hate preseason polls. Is there anything more asinine? Just a bunch of conjecture and guesswork--AS IF ANYBODY CAN PROPHECY WHO WILL FINISH 23RD IN THE COUNTRY WHEN ALL THE DUST SETTLES. But then again, writers would actually have to think and write something thoughtful in August. The only thing worse than preseason polls is people who get fired up over their team being unjustly ranked at something like 13th. I'm sure there's some clown out there right now pounding his pudgy little fingers across his keyboard over Arkansas getting snubbed or something.

THE SEC IS CONTENT WITH THEIR CURRENT ALIGNMENT. PUBLICLY, AT LEAST. So here we are again. Sites "breaking" news that Texas A&M plans on bolting to the SEC. ESPN comes out and says FSU, Missouri, and Clemson could be joining them. SUPER CONFERENCES? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? But then the SEC came out and said, "Nah. We straight." (Of course this doesn't mean anything).

While I love the internet, it drives me crazy how people get wind of something and then start pushing it like it's a certainty and then a windfall of speculation erupts. Just tell me when the the names are signed on the line--AND THEN, DENNIS DODD---we can begin to ask ourselves what this all means.

IT AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT ANARCHY IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL. These days, there isn't anybody out there looking out for the overall health of college football. You know what the sport needs? A ball-busting, gravel pounding overlord like the NFL has with Roger Goodell. Because, if the NCAA had one of these, rich alumni would think twice about giving cash to athletes that play for their favorite teams. Somewhere in the universe, I guess this makes sense to someone.

DENARD ROBINSON IS "ALL RIGHT" WITH FEWER CARRIES THIS YEAR. I guess this was to be expected since, you know, he was 107% of their entire offense last year. I do have to chuckle though when I remember Denard gutted a vaunted Notre Dame defense last year and Michigan fans were tweeting things like "IF HE KEEPS THIS UP, MISEWELL JUST RENAME THE HEISMAN TO THE DENARD!!!" May the sun's rays never leave Rich Rodriguez's face.

FROM THE DEEEPEST POOLS OF THE INTERNET. I don't care what they say or what they do, JEANS WILL NEVER BE WORTH MORE THAN $50... Got some swag you need to stash? Look no further... Raul of FC Schalke proves "class is forever."... The NYT magazine looked at the women victims of the raging drug war going on in Mexico... So, that stage collapsing in Indiana was pretty crazy, ya?... Are bold ideas dead?... A kingly picture of The Eternal King Warren G. Harding. (The next picture I see of him looking at his wife in any fashion will be the first)... In the City of Kings, even our teachers are involved in the drug game... The runaway vodka blimp from OSU airport was found in the back yard of some ol' dude in Worthington... Some bro got entombed in a chimney for 27 years and finally got his funeral... Steve Smith signs with the Eagles and Giants fans went crazy.

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