Monday Skull Session

By DJ Byrnes on August 15, 2011 at 6:00a

Greetings, gentle readers. Are y'all ready to pay your weekly soul tax to your corporate masters? Thankfully, I don't concern myself with any of that nonsense, only because I'll be winning the MegaMillions tomorrow. My next Skull Session will probably be comin' at ya live from Belize, where I'll be rubbing my toes in pink sand. U jelly, bros? I'd probably be too.

Also, there is a movie coming out featuring Colin Farrell as a vampire? With a stern looking McLovin? America, my old friend, on your day of reckoning, you certainly will have to explain the millions of dollars swirling around a production of this nature, especially given all the pight in this world. Although, I suppose the idea of watching Colin Farrel having a wooden stake driven through his sternum is quite titillating to to me.


MIAMI, COME ON DOWN AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE! Well, well, well. The Pinkertons are currently en route to the U to beat around the bush about a man who goes by the name of "Nevin Shapiro" a.k.a. "Lil' Dookie", a Miami booster whose given $150,000 to Miami University and whose connections go back to the Larry Coker era.

Lil Dookie makes the Fine Line Tattoos weed/memoribilia racket look like a child's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. He's currently doing a a quick 20-year bid for a $930 million dollar ponzi scheme he concocted. Of course, since he's got nothing better to do now, he's claimed he's going to write a tell-all book about some of the gifts he bestowed upon some Miami players, because that's what responsible adults who've given black market cash to 18 and 19 year olds do. (Devin Hester, among others, is allegedly connected to this guy).

This re-teaches us all a valuable lesson: when a man has a moniker like "Lil Dookie" (or hell, even the name "Nevin" for that matter), and people say he's either in "exports or imports" or they're not even entirely sure what line of work he's in... but yet he drives around Escalades and Range Rovers.... he's probably not a guy who should be trusted.

I AM SO TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT BRADY HOKE. Did you know Brady Hoke "gets it"? He's changing the culture?  On and on and on. What is so revelatory about the coach of Michigan having expectations this year? Have I been reveling so much in Michigan's despair that I've failed to realize just how pathetic they've become over the years?

I also get a kick out of how he's riding his Segway around up there (this is how I like to envision he travels everywhere) like he's the second coming of Bo Schembechler (who currently resides in the 7th Circle of Hell) when he's really a homeless man's Rex Ryan who has won as many games at Michigan as I have. Brady, you've been at Michigan for like two months, bro. Quit your posturing.

Also, you know what would be weird? If you were a prisoner on death row, and you kept a clock on your wall counting down the time to your nationally televised execution. This is what has happened in Ann Arbor. I also love how he calls Ohio State, "Ohio", as if it's some slight to OSU or some great psychological ploy? Then again, I suppose Michigan does have beef with the entire state of Ohio, considering Toledo once scored 13 points and beat them a mere 3 falls ago.

CAM NEWTON'S BAGMAN AND A WITNESS HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED BY A USA TODAY  HANDICAPPER? Of course, we all have to wait until Danny Sheridan goes on Paul Finebaum's radio show this weekend to spill the beans. (It wouldn't be as dramatic, otherwise. And yes, I'm as surprised as you are to see the USA Today commit a random act of journalism).

Is there any cooler concept than a bagman? Surely, there is, but I'm having a hard time coming up with one. Shady people meeting in back alleys and exchanging duffel bags full of money is always an awesome scenario. It's truly the American way. This whole saga illicits so many questions. How is that withdrawal handled? How does a minister go about approaching somebody to launder the money?  What's the first move on something like that? Did the rich Auburn alum who bought Cam Newton's services run around naked yelling, "THIS WAS THE BEST $300,000 I EVER SPENT!!!" after the War Eagle won the national title? What's it like having somebody chuck a bag of ~$300,000 on your kitchen table? I don't know the answer to any of these questions, and it disappoints me. I guess I need me a bagman.

Alabama. That's the joke. GET IT!?

Dudes who dress as women and think it's funny... well... JOKES ON THEM, CLOWNS.Cam Newton's tooth $$ slush fund: EXPLAINED.

THE LA Times THINKS OHIO STATE IS THE 19th-BEST TEAM IN THE COUNTRY. God, I hate preseason polls. Is there anything more asinine? Just a bunch of conjecture and guesswork--AS IF ANYBODY CAN PROPHECY WHO WILL FINISH 23RD IN THE COUNTRY WHEN ALL THE DUST SETTLES. But then again, writers would actually have to think and write something thoughtful in August. The only thing worse than preseason polls is people who get fired up over their team being unjustly ranked at something like 13th. I'm sure there's some clown out there right now pounding his pudgy little fingers across his keyboard over Arkansas getting snubbed or something.

THE SEC IS CONTENT WITH THEIR CURRENT ALIGNMENT. PUBLICLY, AT LEAST. So here we are again. Sites "breaking" news that Texas A&M plans on bolting to the SEC. ESPN comes out and says FSU, Missouri, and Clemson could be joining them. SUPER CONFERENCES? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? But then the SEC came out and said, "Nah. We straight." (Of course this doesn't mean anything).

While I love the internet, it drives me crazy how people get wind of something and then start pushing it like it's a certainty and then a windfall of speculation erupts. Just tell me when the the names are signed on the line--AND THEN, DENNIS DODD---we can begin to ask ourselves what this all means.

IT AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT ANARCHY IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL. These days, there isn't anybody out there looking out for the overall health of college football. You know what the sport needs? A ball-busting, gravel pounding overlord like the NFL has with Roger Goodell. Because, if the NCAA had one of these, rich alumni would think twice about giving cash to athletes that play for their favorite teams. Somewhere in the universe, I guess this makes sense to someone.

DENARD ROBINSON IS "ALL RIGHT" WITH FEWER CARRIES THIS YEAR. I guess this was to be expected since, you know, he was 107% of their entire offense last year. I do have to chuckle though when I remember Denard gutted a vaunted Notre Dame defense last year and Michigan fans were tweeting things like "IF HE KEEPS THIS UP, MISEWELL JUST RENAME THE HEISMAN TO THE DENARD!!!" May the sun's rays never leave Rich Rodriguez's face.

FROM THE DEEEPEST POOLS OF THE INTERNET. I don't care what they say or what they do, JEANS WILL NEVER BE WORTH MORE THAN $50... Got some swag you need to stash? Look no further... Raul of FC Schalke proves "class is forever."... The NYT magazine looked at the women victims of the raging drug war going on in Mexico... So, that stage collapsing in Indiana was pretty crazy, ya?... Are bold ideas dead?... A kingly picture of The Eternal King Warren G. Harding. (The next picture I see of him looking at his wife in any fashion will be the first)... In the City of Kings, even our teachers are involved in the drug game... The runaway vodka blimp from OSU airport was found in the back yard of some ol' dude in Worthington... Some bro got entombed in a chimney for 27 years and finally got his funeral... Steve Smith signs with the Eagles and Giants fans went crazy.


Comments Show All Comments

thorvath22's picture

The line between news and rumour is seemingly not existant...thanks ESPN.

buckeyedude's picture

More than a Segway, I picture Hoke riding around the MU campus and MU sidelines in one of those powered wheelchair thingamabobs, that all the elderly have in the nursing home. Those things and the blue hairs driving them are dangerous. Most can't see or hear, yet allowed to drive one of these things at the mall, etc.

Sorry. Got off on a tangent there.



buck i's picture

With a water botttle (BPA free of course; gotta be healthy) filled with Big Mac sauce.

The Michigan loss to Toledo was on my birthday. I couldn't think of a better gift.

Denny's picture

The juxtaposition of 'healthy bisphenol A-free' water bottle with Big Mac sauce is marvelous. In case you can't hear it, I'm applauding you at my desk right now.


btalbert25's picture

We prayed for and got Cam the right way.  Wow, that is the most ridiculous, pathetic, and hilarious tweet I've ever read. 

Bucks's picture

Reading through some of the history of postings there, just leaves me shaking my head.

Denny's picture

Pretty sure it's a (very well-done) satirical twitter account.


Bucksfan's picture

Obviously, you don't frequent SEC threads on other websites.

Jdadams01's picture

This. Some of the stuff you read on SEC blogs and twitter feeds is so ridiculous that it seems as if they're joking. Until you realize they aren't.

btalbert25's picture

It's not only SEC fans who are delusional and ridiculous though.  There's a portion of all college football fans that really make you scratch your head.  I remember a fella who got the banhammer earlier this summer who was an Ohio State fan, and he had some pretty wild thoughts and claims about the Ohio State mess. 

Granted, there may be a higher percentage for certain schools, but we all have fans who have a warped sense of reality when it comes to their favorite program.  The degree of delusion may differ from refusing to see a coach a certain way, all the way up to those who are willing to harm someone because of their opinion about Ohio State.  One thing I know is, we have more than our fair share of crazies in the fold too.

Denny's picture

Exactly this. I don't read SEC threads because I have no interest in doing so - I like the SEC on-field product, but why would I go read about recruiting or whatever? If the point of going to an SEC site is to see how ostensibly dumb the people there are, there's no value there. I can see stupid people all over the internet, including on Ohio State sites. Let's be realistic - this site's commentariat is quite good, but that doesn't mean there aren't blatantly stupid things written in the comments here from time to time. Look at the more message board-y type OSU sites - they're mired with dumbassery. 

I don't read message boards because it's been pretty clear for a long time now that message boards (regardless of the target fanbase) are full of morons. Similarly, I don't go rummaging around other school's sites just to see how stupid people seem to be. There are far better ways to spend my time (and this is coming from a guy who photoshopped this last Friday).


btalbert25's picture

I'm the same way, I don't really go on any other teams blogs or really any other Buckeye Sites.  I used to get on Buckeye Battle Cry quite a bit, but there just aren't that many commentors on there, so I exclusively come here for college football news about my favorite team.  I don't care what Iowa, Penn State, Michigan, or SEC fans think about Ohio State or their own teams for that matter. I know they don't care what I have to say about their teams either.

I do agree too that, at this point in time from the quality of talent perspective SEC football is quite entertaining.  It does seem, though, that their games have a much higher quantity of unsportsmanlike conduct and personal foul penalties.  Not every game played, but certain teams definitely have a mean streak.  Bama, Auburn last year, Florida, they seem to routinely have guys doing some sort of taunting or eye gouging.  Although, we're not free of that sort of play either.  Perhaps the worst example I've ever seen was the choking of Wisconsins QB. 

So, yeah I pretty much agree with you, just about anything we accuse their fans or players of doing, we can find in our own ranks, but of course most view it as less disgusting because it's one of our own.

Jdadams01's picture

"they're mired with dumbassery."

This is probably the most apt description available.

Bucksfan's picture

Yeah, BT, that is true.  Sports fans in general are pretty damn nutty.  But, the kind of nutty you tend to get with SEC commenters is exactly what you'd expect from fans who a) will likely never go to college, let alone the college they root for, b) if they went to said college, it wasn't a good college (U.S. World News ranks only 3 SEC schools in the top-50 national universities...Big Ten has 7) and c) live in the Bible belt.

It's an irrational, God-rooted nutty that people from the south possess.  Add in the fact that these people have more conference pride than anything else, it becomes pathological.  Can you imagine chanting for the AFC North??  I mean, c'mon.  These people are bat-sh*t to root for their rivals.

btalbert25's picture

I'm not going to blast people for what university they went to.  Hell the university I went to wasn't top 50, and I feel my undergrad degree was just as valuable as a history major at Ohio State or any other undergrad bachelor's degree in history for that matter.

At any rate, I know we have all laughed at the T-Bone picture Florida fan, but I think we've all seen jort wearing mullet sporting  goofballs at the Shoe too.  I've seen people damn near come to blows about Ohio State football just like I've seen morons want to fight about Bama football or UK basketball.  Maybe we don't have pride in the conference like others, although many many people did cheer for Michigan to beat Florida.  Ohio State fans wanting Michigan to win, that's dangerously close to Alabama fans taking pride in Auburn's win last year. 

I work with a lady from Birmingham, she has season tickets to Bama football.  Her and her husband travel to their road games too.  They are diehard, roll tyde, Bama fans.  They have several friends who travel with them and go to the games.  While they are at the tailgates, prior to their games if it's possible, they have Buckeyes on their TV.  Just as I know we have nutty fans who are just as ignorant and crazy as others out there, I know there are plenty of SEC fans who aren't Irrational, God-Rooted, nutty people. 


btalbert25's picture

I just want to add, that I think it's totally ridiculous to say the SEC only has 3 schools in the top 50 and the Big 10 has 7.  First, it's irrelevant when it comes to football and there's a large percentage of football players who don't give a damn about the quality of the school.  To be sure most do not contribute to the academic success of the university.

Also, just because you didn't go to one of the top 50 schools doesn't make you some kind of moron.  It's not like these schools are admitting people who can't read or write.  They aren't graduating people who are mentally inadequate.  Non top 50 schools still graduate quality students in good fields. 

It's like, we aren't as good in football so we have to compare them academically.  It's weak.  At the end of the day I don't say wow, LSU just kicked our ass in the National Championship, but I'm sure glad we are ranked higher academically according to US News and World Report.

btalbert25's picture

I hope it is infact satirical.  It pains me to know there are people who would be quite serious making such claims. 

toledobuckeyefanjim's picture

I have my Toledo 13, Michigan 10 tee shirt as my rememberance of that great victory by my alma mater. I know the Rockets won't pull the big upset on the Buckeyes next month in Columbus, so don't rag on me. OSU has 100 times the talent and smarts in the coaching staff than Dick Rod had 3 years ago.

Kurt's picture

I don't know if the A&M saga is over just yet.  And I'm surprised the Pac-12/Larry Scott hasn't chimed in.  If the SEC really can't figure out who will be 14 I could easily see Larry Scott figuring that one out and inviting A&M to the Pac-14 (logo redesign!).

Ethan's picture

I hope Brady Hoke on a segway looks something like this


Arrested Development anyone? 

William's picture

Arrested Development was great, it's a tragedy that they only put out three seasons.

Bucksfan's picture

Anyone know how to post a picture where it's not a bajillion pixes huge?


Nappy's picture

Yep, just post a pic of Brady Hokes vagina.  I hear it's really small.  Unlike his appetite.

I never saw a football player make a tackle with a smile on his face

Jason Priestas's picture

When you post a upload a photo, you'll see a box with image properties. Adjust the width to be less than 500 and the height will adjust proportionally.

BUCKI06's picture

It's the final countdown!

Fitting, since Hoke has undoubtedly started the countdown to his first loss against OSU as coach of that team up north.

"As long as we're keeping score, we're gonna try to win this thing." - UFM

Bucksfan's picture

More like this:


F'k it...I can't seem to get it any smaller (That's what she said) [Ed: Fixed]

btalbert25's picture

I read Brady Hoke and Segway and thought immediately Paul Blart.  Only Hoke is a sweaty, more disgusting, not as funny version.

Kyle's picture

So Danny Sheridan and the NCAA supposedly know who the Newton "bagman" is and where he resides.  Too bad the NCAA has zero subpeona power.


Also Cam bought a place in my building in Atlanta and he's a smarmy doucheknuckle with friends who treat our pool like a Dr. Dre video circa '92.  Not a fan.

Matt's picture

1.  Take Pictures

2.  Send to Deadspin

3.  Profit.

Brady's picture

I've never been so ashamed of my first name before. Even Tom Brady doesn't induce the gag reaction like this tool does.


GoBucks713's picture

What about Brady Quinn?

-The Aristocrats!

Brady's picture

Brady Quinn is just sad and pathetic.  Being a Browns fan, I had to "cheer" 3 years for this guy after making fun of him the 4 years before that.  Brady Hoke however, makes me sick to my stomach with all of his "Ohio" comments.


Another Jason's picture

"Miami University" is in Ohio.  "University of Miami" is the object of Li'l Dookie's affection and/or ire.  This is a big deal to some people.

edwinstamper's picture

I am taking my 18 year old nephew to the akron game... does anyone know of any places to pregame with an under age kid that has no fake id??? 

Denny's picture

Karen Holbrook's got some sweet hookups, I hear.


ERIC OSU's picture

Haha f dat ho.. all we do is riot! Rawrrr!

NW Buckeye's picture

Buffalo Wild Wings on Lane and High is OK for the underage.  You can't get into the upper bar, but the restaurant is open to all ages.

Jugdish's picture

Remember to get your wolverine spayed or neutered. TBDBITL

Sgt. Elias's picture

Sweet Jeebhess,  some of you just won your 1st internets today, as evidenced by TWO ginormous image postings. Change your width yo. 

"Okay -- I've got an El Camino full of rampage here." 

Bucksfan's picture

I swear I tried.  It just wouldn't take.

Brutus's picture

Alright, so I have good news and no news I guess.  The good news is that the hearing went well on Friday and OSU is not expecting anything more to come of the original charges.  Behind closed doors, the NCAA was actually very complimentary of OSU's handling of this situation. However, the NCAA also thrashed Tressel.  I guess we sort of knew that was coming, but I still hate the thought of JT being thrown to the wolves on this.  Anyway, OSU believes that the self-imposed penalties will stick and that will be the end of it.

No news on the crap Forde was reporting last week about a new investigation and new LOA.  It sounds like some of that was sort of put to rest between what Lesmeres and the Dispatch were reporting.  OSU compliance is not actively engaging in a new investigation so perhaps that is a good sign.  But I was told that anything is possible and things could change.

As always, take the above with a grain of salt.  My info has been fairly accurate in the past but this is the first time I've had anything good to report so I wouldn't be surprised to see this blow up in my face.

Jason Priestas's picture

As always, thanks for sharing, Brutus.

GoBucks713's picture

Praise Brutus!

-The Aristocrats!

Nappy's picture

This calls for a celebratory Fat Tire

I never saw a football player make a tackle with a smile on his face

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

i have taken said salt and thrown it over thy shoulder, good sir... ::cracks open a beer or 6::

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

NW Buckeye's picture

Again, thanks for your input.  Will hold off on the celebratory binge until we hear further, but your news is certainly good for our ears.