Monday Skull Session

By DJ Byrnes on July 11, 2011 at 6:00a

Is it just me, or is this dude, Monday, a destroyer of worlds? I swear, every time the weekend starts rolling, juuuuust when you start to enjoy your first sips from the chalice of freedom, when you start to think so this is what so many people died for the right to do.... there is Monday, patiently waiting to kick you in the teeth and laugh while doing so.

He always wakes you up at some ungodly hour, and he's always just sitting there, in his black leather jacket, smoking a Pall Mall (and ashing on your carpet), while looking at you in complete disgust.

And then his look will shift from disgust to bemusement, and he'll say something snarky like, "LOL - DID YOU THINK YOU COULD RUN TO A PLACE MY WORD WOULD NOT FIND YOU?", and then you realize: he cannot be stopped. He is just as indomitable as he was back in 1992. The man does not age.

I do not know who invented Monday or even who he works for, but I can tell you this: I am no fan of him. I don't like any man ashing directly on my carpets, but Monday does it in a way where he lets you know just how much he revels in walking over you; and I resent him for that.

I'm not sure if Monday can read or is familiar with the internets, but I'm going to just throw this out there--know that I'm ready to join any conspiracy to assassinate this guy and get him out of our lives.

... Before we get into the links, I hope everyone here at least saw a replay from yesterday of Abby Wambach rescuing the US Women's National Soccer Team from their gave in the 123rd minute? I can already feel some of you cracking your knuckles, ready to type, "LOL BRO I DON'T WANT TO WATCH WOMEN OR SOCCER, LET ALONE WOMEN PLAYING SOCCER, LOLOLOL," but I'm telling you--that game against Brazil was up there with any athletic event I've ever watched. Plus, you have Ian Darke, the best play-by-play guy in the game right now, going absolutely ballistic for America. If nothing else, it gives you a reason to chant "U-S-A! U-S-A!"--and I defy you to find a time when that isn't fun in itself. The women play next on Wednesday, 11:30 AM, vs. France, on ESPN. Seriously, give it a try.

... Now, let's see what went down in college football this weekend. Remember guys, actual games of football are coming soon. Do I know that for sure? Not exactly, it's just what I'm told. I still haven't been convinced I haven't fallen into some time-altering vortex and now I'm trapped in the LONGEST COLLEGE FOOTBALL OFF-SEASON EVER.

There are kids from Ohio who don't want to play football for Ohio State right now. Kyle Kalis, an Ohioan and one of the best offensive tackles in the nation, according to people who rank things like that, recently decommitted from Ohio State due to the upheaval in the program. While there had been whispers he had silently committed to Michigan for some time now, Kalis ended all the speculation yesterday, announcing he will be attending the University of Michigan next fall. There's also been whispers has has been trying to talk Ohio State commits into defecting to that decedent pit just north of Toledo.

It'd be easy to let emotions run wild here, but let's all remember, this is an 18 year old kid. Who didn't do something stupid when they were 18? I'm sure Mr. Kalis will eventually see the error in his ways, but unfortunately for him, it will be too late ; his commitment to toiling away in a bastion of mediocrity will have been signed in his blood. Besides, with the uncertain times the football program is about to be entering, there should be no room for people who aren't 110% invested in the work ahead. And, judging by Mr. Kalis decommitting and signing up to play for Ohio State's blood rival, and then trying to assist in the poaching of Ohio State commitments, I do believe Ohio State will survive the loss of his talent.

Part me of me though, I must say, is glad those bums in Michigan got this little shot in the arm. Isn't it nice to have Michigan fans using the plight of Ohio State as some sign that their time is right around the corner? I'm 24. I can't tell you anything about the last time Michigan beat Ohio State. I don't remember it. I don't remember where I was. I assume Justin Zwick was involved somehow. But, it's nice to see Michigan fans are trying to talk themselves into getting a little spring back into their step. It will make their annual disembowlment at the hands of the Buckeyes that much more enjoyable to watch come November.

  • And Michigan folks, please, take after your coach and continue to refer to Ohio State as "Ohio". It's has a cute, Harry Potteresque, "He Who Shall Not Be Named" feel to it. It kinda annoyed me at first, but then I realized, if I hadn't gotten a W on somebody in... (pulls out an advanced logarithm)... 2,788 days, I'd probably create some pseudo-psychological ploy to try to gain a mental edge as well.

They can have their Ws, but they will never take Ross Homan's memories, or his rings. Due to Ohio State's vacation of the 2010-2011 season, it's like it never happened. BUT NO SO FAST, says Ross Homan, who told the Columbus Dispatch:

'I will always believe we won every one of those games fairly, and I will still see us as Big Ten champs and Sugar Bowl champs.'

The players will also be allowed to retain all their memorabilia from the season as well. I assume it's only fair, since Ohio State will be keeping all of the millions of dollars they made off the season as well. (Which is why the NCAA needs to change its punishment system, writes Rob Oller).

The NCAA will let scoring football players have their fun. Remember a few years back, when Jake Locker scored a really big touchdown late in some really big game? And then in the heat of the moment, he threw the ball over his shoulder, drew an excessive celebration penalty, his kicker choked, and they took an L? And remember how everybody was like "MAN OH MAN THAT IS SO DUMB, NCAA YOU ALL ARE TYRANTS!"?

Well, the NCAA has heard your cries, and like the merciful overlords they are, has decided to reverse some of their Draconian measures on the matter. Although, it must be stated, the 1985 Miami Hurricanes team which sacrificed a live Notre Dame player in a cannibalistic ritual while celebrating a touchdown would still draw a flag in today's softer game.

North Carolina is clearly new to this cheating thing. North Carolina, for all intents and purposes, has been running a semi-professional football team since Butch Davis arrived on campus after burning the Browns organization to the ground. (Butch Davis, still employed, by the way).  Nobody really cares about North Carolina football, so, I guess they've got the cloak of anonymity to hide behind.

You'd think UNC would just shut up and let the NCAA continue to chase the big cats, but no, that's apparently not how they roll. One of their players, who was caught red-handed plagiarizing a Swahili paper, was recently defended by Dick Baddour, North Carolina's athletic director:

“This work reflects his ideas exclusively. It is not a rip off. This really is his work.”

I guess this is the benefits of cheating while not even being able to win an NCAA title, but if Gene Smith had made a statement this erroneous, he would be mercilessly raked over the coals by the media. All this guy Dick Baddour got was a Sports by Brooks post.

Tate Forcier is still a transient with no tribe. Remember Tate Forcier, the guy Michigan fans said would be their savior? He is entering the 13th straight month of trying to widdle down where he'll ply his robust academic and athletic talents next year. Right now, he's looking at Hawaii (of course he is), but may also end up at Nevada (meh) or San Jose State (LOL).

Let us all bow our heads now and have a moment of silence for the Rich Rodriguez era at Michigan. IT WAS GOOD HIGH TIMES FOR US ALL.

Caleb King achieves history, gets ruled ineligible in the SEC. Caleb King's senior season at Georgia was scuttled by his inability to post any grade above a 32%, as is mandated by official SEC by-laws. It's expected he'll join fellow cast-off Terrelle Pryor in the supplemental draft, assuming that there will be such a thing as the supplemental draft whenever NFL players and owners figure out a fair way to divide eleventy billion dollars.

Now, having been around Ohio State for a bit, I won't claim that it's not rather easy to stay eligible at Ohio State--but man, in the SEC? Caleb King's past 8 months must've been LEGENDARY.

Jonathan Newsome's Funniest Tweet This Week. You don't follow @JNew55? I feel sorry for you. I will not rest until he is sent to B1G media day in Chicago or he wins a Heisman. Whatever comes first.

Fancy things from around the intranets. Saruman may have died in Lord of the Rings, but not before he hit 'em with one last #TROLLGAZE - Best letter ever? Maybe - Why there will never be another DaVinci - "In 1995, no state had an obesity rate above 20 percent. Now, all but one does." - A regal picture of Greatest President Warren G. Harding - Daniel Tosh: Some of the good things Osama bin Laden did for us - What are the pet monkey laws in your state? - A sophisticated bear with a mustache riding Abraham Lincoln with laser eyes into glorious battle.

View 50 Comments