Monday Skull Session

By DJ Byrnes on July 11, 2011 at 6:00a

Is it just me, or is this dude, Monday, a destroyer of worlds? I swear, every time the weekend starts rolling, juuuuust when you start to enjoy your first sips from the chalice of freedom, when you start to think so this is what so many people died for the right to do.... there is Monday, patiently waiting to kick you in the teeth and laugh while doing so.

He always wakes you up at some ungodly hour, and he's always just sitting there, in his black leather jacket, smoking a Pall Mall (and ashing on your carpet), while looking at you in complete disgust.

And then his look will shift from disgust to bemusement, and he'll say something snarky like, "LOL - DID YOU THINK YOU COULD RUN TO A PLACE MY WORD WOULD NOT FIND YOU?", and then you realize: he cannot be stopped. He is just as indomitable as he was back in 1992. The man does not age.

I do not know who invented Monday or even who he works for, but I can tell you this: I am no fan of him. I don't like any man ashing directly on my carpets, but Monday does it in a way where he lets you know just how much he revels in walking over you; and I resent him for that.

I'm not sure if Monday can read or is familiar with the internets, but I'm going to just throw this out there--know that I'm ready to join any conspiracy to assassinate this guy and get him out of our lives.

... Before we get into the links, I hope everyone here at least saw a replay from yesterday of Abby Wambach rescuing the US Women's National Soccer Team from their gave in the 123rd minute? I can already feel some of you cracking your knuckles, ready to type, "LOL BRO I DON'T WANT TO WATCH WOMEN OR SOCCER, LET ALONE WOMEN PLAYING SOCCER, LOLOLOL," but I'm telling you--that game against Brazil was up there with any athletic event I've ever watched. Plus, you have Ian Darke, the best play-by-play guy in the game right now, going absolutely ballistic for America. If nothing else, it gives you a reason to chant "U-S-A! U-S-A!"--and I defy you to find a time when that isn't fun in itself. The women play next on Wednesday, 11:30 AM, vs. France, on ESPN. Seriously, give it a try.

... Now, let's see what went down in college football this weekend. Remember guys, actual games of football are coming soon. Do I know that for sure? Not exactly, it's just what I'm told. I still haven't been convinced I haven't fallen into some time-altering vortex and now I'm trapped in the LONGEST COLLEGE FOOTBALL OFF-SEASON EVER.

There are kids from Ohio who don't want to play football for Ohio State right now. Kyle Kalis, an Ohioan and one of the best offensive tackles in the nation, according to people who rank things like that, recently decommitted from Ohio State due to the upheaval in the program. While there had been whispers he had silently committed to Michigan for some time now, Kalis ended all the speculation yesterday, announcing he will be attending the University of Michigan next fall. There's also been whispers has has been trying to talk Ohio State commits into defecting to that decedent pit just north of Toledo.

It'd be easy to let emotions run wild here, but let's all remember, this is an 18 year old kid. Who didn't do something stupid when they were 18? I'm sure Mr. Kalis will eventually see the error in his ways, but unfortunately for him, it will be too late ; his commitment to toiling away in a bastion of mediocrity will have been signed in his blood. Besides, with the uncertain times the football program is about to be entering, there should be no room for people who aren't 110% invested in the work ahead. And, judging by Mr. Kalis decommitting and signing up to play for Ohio State's blood rival, and then trying to assist in the poaching of Ohio State commitments, I do believe Ohio State will survive the loss of his talent.

Part me of me though, I must say, is glad those bums in Michigan got this little shot in the arm. Isn't it nice to have Michigan fans using the plight of Ohio State as some sign that their time is right around the corner? I'm 24. I can't tell you anything about the last time Michigan beat Ohio State. I don't remember it. I don't remember where I was. I assume Justin Zwick was involved somehow. But, it's nice to see Michigan fans are trying to talk themselves into getting a little spring back into their step. It will make their annual disembowlment at the hands of the Buckeyes that much more enjoyable to watch come November.

  • And Michigan folks, please, take after your coach and continue to refer to Ohio State as "Ohio". It's has a cute, Harry Potteresque, "He Who Shall Not Be Named" feel to it. It kinda annoyed me at first, but then I realized, if I hadn't gotten a W on somebody in... (pulls out an advanced logarithm)... 2,788 days, I'd probably create some pseudo-psychological ploy to try to gain a mental edge as well.

They can have their Ws, but they will never take Ross Homan's memories, or his rings. Due to Ohio State's vacation of the 2010-2011 season, it's like it never happened. BUT NO SO FAST, says Ross Homan, who told the Columbus Dispatch:

'I will always believe we won every one of those games fairly, and I will still see us as Big Ten champs and Sugar Bowl champs.'

The players will also be allowed to retain all their memorabilia from the season as well. I assume it's only fair, since Ohio State will be keeping all of the millions of dollars they made off the season as well. (Which is why the NCAA needs to change its punishment system, writes Rob Oller).

The NCAA will let scoring football players have their fun. Remember a few years back, when Jake Locker scored a really big touchdown late in some really big game? And then in the heat of the moment, he threw the ball over his shoulder, drew an excessive celebration penalty, his kicker choked, and they took an L? And remember how everybody was like "MAN OH MAN THAT IS SO DUMB, NCAA YOU ALL ARE TYRANTS!"?

Well, the NCAA has heard your cries, and like the merciful overlords they are, has decided to reverse some of their Draconian measures on the matter. Although, it must be stated, the 1985 Miami Hurricanes team which sacrificed a live Notre Dame player in a cannibalistic ritual while celebrating a touchdown would still draw a flag in today's softer game.

North Carolina is clearly new to this cheating thing. North Carolina, for all intents and purposes, has been running a semi-professional football team since Butch Davis arrived on campus after burning the Browns organization to the ground. (Butch Davis, still employed, by the way).  Nobody really cares about North Carolina football, so, I guess they've got the cloak of anonymity to hide behind.

You'd think UNC would just shut up and let the NCAA continue to chase the big cats, but no, that's apparently not how they roll. One of their players, who was caught red-handed plagiarizing a Swahili paper, was recently defended by Dick Baddour, North Carolina's athletic director:

“This work reflects his ideas exclusively. It is not a rip off. This really is his work.”

I guess this is the benefits of cheating while not even being able to win an NCAA title, but if Gene Smith had made a statement this erroneous, he would be mercilessly raked over the coals by the media. All this guy Dick Baddour got was a Sports by Brooks post.

Tate Forcier is still a transient with no tribe. Remember Tate Forcier, the guy Michigan fans said would be their savior? He is entering the 13th straight month of trying to widdle down where he'll ply his robust academic and athletic talents next year. Right now, he's looking at Hawaii (of course he is), but may also end up at Nevada (meh) or San Jose State (LOL).

Let us all bow our heads now and have a moment of silence for the Rich Rodriguez era at Michigan. IT WAS GOOD HIGH TIMES FOR US ALL.

Caleb King achieves history, gets ruled ineligible in the SEC. Caleb King's senior season at Georgia was scuttled by his inability to post any grade above a 32%, as is mandated by official SEC by-laws. It's expected he'll join fellow cast-off Terrelle Pryor in the supplemental draft, assuming that there will be such a thing as the supplemental draft whenever NFL players and owners figure out a fair way to divide eleventy billion dollars.

Now, having been around Ohio State for a bit, I won't claim that it's not rather easy to stay eligible at Ohio State--but man, in the SEC? Caleb King's past 8 months must've been LEGENDARY.

Jonathan Newsome's Funniest Tweet This Week. You don't follow @JNew55? I feel sorry for you. I will not rest until he is sent to B1G media day in Chicago or he wins a Heisman. Whatever comes first.

Fancy things from around the intranets. Saruman may have died in Lord of the Rings, but not before he hit 'em with one last #TROLLGAZE - Best letter ever? Maybe - Why there will never be another DaVinci - "In 1995, no state had an obesity rate above 20 percent. Now, all but one does." - A regal picture of Greatest President Warren G. Harding - Daniel Tosh: Some of the good things Osama bin Laden did for us - What are the pet monkey laws in your state? - A sophisticated bear with a mustache riding Abraham Lincoln with laser eyes into glorious battle.


Comments Show All Comments

Is it Saturday Yet's picture

That soccer game was amazing. I screamed my head off at the goal that tied the game. Those girls are very easy to watch....

GoBucks713's picture

It is unpatriotic (is that a word) to not cheer on your national team, no matter the sport or Gender.

But seriously, the USWNT is much more fun to watch than the men's. They play with passion, and play smart. Brazil got gifted BOTH of their goals. The yellow card on Hope Solo was a very bad call, she did not come off of the line until Marta addressed the ball and made a beautiful save. Then the second goal Marta had, the player that recieved the ball to cross to her was offside.

I told my wife a week ago that I was leaving her for Hope Solo. That chick is HOT.

-The Aristocrats!

Denny's picture

I think the card was likely for dissent rather than for coming off of her line, but either way the calls were both pretty horrendous.


GoBucks713's picture

You can come off the line once the kick taker begins her address to the ball. She was within the rules.

-The Aristocrats!

German Buckeye's picture

Anyone get the feeling that tOSU's self incriminations run counter to the haters... …and shall therefore be ignored.

Why muttle the exaggerations and false representations with facts?

iball's picture

LOL bro, no way I'm watching a bumch of girls play soccer. LOL.

“There’s one thing I have learned through all my adventures and conquests - it’s that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great - I just am great.” – Kenny Powers

buckeyedude's picture

You can't possibly have a little girl of your own, Iball. If you did, chances are she has played soccer at some point. It is the fastest growing sport(besides cornhole). It's different when your kid plays. I really got into it(still don't understand some of the rules though).



Buckeye Black's picture

I think you did not see the comedy of his statement.

AcrossTheField11's picture

Orlando Pace just retired... Hire him as an assistant O-Line coach Fick.  Haveing one of the top 3 O-linemen to ever grace the gridiron would at least be a shot in the arm from a recruiting standpoint, regardless of how good of a coach he is.  And how bad could he be?

Btw, who was the last kid to come out of St. Eds that was actually successful for the buckeyes?  The only names that come to mind are Rodney Bailey, and Tom Cousineau and that was decades ago (unless you count boone).

Time and change will surely show how firm they friendship... O-HI-O.

thorvath22's picture

I was talking to my fiances uncle and with a straight face he told me he was done with Ohio State and was going to root on Penn State and Notre Dame for now on because they run clean programs, I laughed and asked him what exactly he was going to root on.

I kind of enjoy the turmoil...its saving me money on christmas shopping already!

Buckeye in Athens's picture

DJ - good work with the skully. Your writing style is vaguely similar to Luke's and it's definitely an entertaining read. Glad you're on board. 

And Caleb King, smh. Isaiah Crowell was going to start at UGA anyway, but still. 

bukyze's picture

Watching girls soccer ?!?! Seriously?  Whats next?  Direct TV's Season Ticket for the WNBA?  Yes, I'm glad they won.   Yes, I have a little girl that plays soccer.  Watching a bunch of 7 year olds aimlessly kicking the ball is much more fun than watching grown women kicking the ball around aimlessly on TV.

Denny's picture

Well, you win asshole of the day. Congrats.

The game yesterday was without question one of the most entertaining and enjoyable sporting events I've watched in a long time.


blazers34's picture

plus, I would watch Hope Solo do almost anything.  She can flat out get it.

RoweTrain's picture

I would like to say thank you very much for this sir.

"Just bow up and go out and play." ~ D. Lee

"As it stands right now, I know I am the best athlete in college football." ~ B. Miller

Irricoir's picture

Best thing you have ever posted Denny. I sat in a daze for 2 minutes before being able to reply.

I don't always take names when I kick ass but when I do, they most often belong to a Wolverine.

SouthBayBuckeye's picture

mmmmm hope solo

Banned from ATO since June 3rd 2PMish PST

Nappy's picture

I think Stoneburner tweeted yesterday something to the effect of "More like Dope Solo".  Im too lazy to look it up, but yeah, shes hot.  Let us just hope for a Brandi Chastain moment this year.

I do consider myself a soccer fan, but only on the international level.  Cant really watch it unless I have a dog in the fight. 

I never saw a football player make a tackle with a smile on his face

Nappy's picture

I would totally like to score on her.


Sorry, had to.

I never saw a football player make a tackle with a smile on his face

SouthBayBuckeye's picture

I don't think you'd be able to sneak one by here. She's good at blocking balls.

Banned from ATO since June 3rd 2PMish PST

Nappy's picture

I got some pretty good ball skills myself and not in the Desmond Howard sort of way.

I never saw a football player make a tackle with a smile on his face

William's picture

Denny completely agree. The Women's Team is actually fun to watch unlike the men's, who seem to play not to lose whereas the women go and play to win. Probably the most exhilarating sporting event involvoing a US national team since the 2010 Winter Olympics and our Men's Hockey Team (Nothing will ever touch 1980). The problem with soccer in the states is that too many pig headed Americans don't have the attention span to actually watch a game.

Normal Buck's picture

I remember the last time scUM beat Ohio State all too clearly.  What a shi**ty day that was!  The only good thing about that day was that Jack Sullivan's, on Clybourn, was still open.

Hoff_TBDBITL's picture

Personally I don't want anyone who isn't 100% committed to this university or anyone who would even think about attending M*ch*g@n anywhere near this campus or this state. Good Riddance. 

T-Row, The Row, The Quality Row!

Dean's picture

Honestly, I feel kind of bad for McAdoo (the banned UNC player).  Yeah, it's plainly plagiarism, but from reading the article, it looks like he thought that as long as he lifted chunks of text from various sources, and cited the sources he was lifting them from, it wasn't plagiarism - he told the investigating committee that he sent it to the tutor to make sure he had his citations right "so he wasn't plagiarizing."  Wrong, obviously, but it just seems that he's not terribly bright and nobody ever bothered to explain to him what, exactly, plagiarism was.

NeARBuckeye's picture

Are you kidding me? I've been repeatedly reminded by teachers and professors since freshman year of high school what constitutes as plagarism. Lately, due to the popularity of Wikipedia, plagarism is something that is discussed in every college course I took (that necessitated reports). 

This kid is an IDIOT, and UNC is a bunch of scumbags for supporting him.

Shock-G's picture

Living here in Michigan I am hearing all about this turnaround in recruiting. My response, big deal.

Look at it this way, these guys who are verbal commits at this point won't be in Ann Arbor until 2012, a whole season away. While Hoke is on fire, right now, how many of these guys are going to come in during 2012 and make an immediate impact outside of finally filling that depth chart that RRod decimated? Don't forget that Hoke didn't have much time to pull anything together to end the 2011 recruiting class; Michigan fans still need to be more concerned with how Denard is going to adapt to Borges' more pro-style attack and what Mattison can do with whats been a defense that has been beyond inept the last three seasons. If Michigan would falter again this year, don't be shocked to see some of these studs run, and/or, see 2013 recruits not being so quick to jump on board.

Beyond that, how easy is it to recruit against Ohio State right now with the relative uncertainty that's going on? Once things clear up it should be easier for Fickell and the boys to get guys to commit and stick around. And don't forget, we all knew this was going to be a smaller class to begin with, based on available scholarships.

I wanna go back to Ohio State ... 

Bucks's picture

Any news on Official Presser today in regards to Vrabel??

RBuck's picture

10:00 a.m. today. Vrabel's official statement here:

Long live the southend.

BuckeyeSki's picture

So Ville Vallo from HIM is actually Monday morning?



Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

GoBucks713's picture

did he bury himself with his own love for himself?


-The Aristocrats!

Denny's picture

The guy who made the 'World Reaction to Landon Donovan's Goal' video is making a similar one for Wambach's goal. Apparently it'll be out today, which is marvelous.


Maestro's picture

That will be cool to see.

vacuuming sucks

Maestro's picture

I am sure Newsome doesn't really speak like that, at least I hope not.  I know that I am getting old, but I just don't get the twitter thing, and stuff like that certainly is not going to help me "get it".  Hope he can tackle better than he communicates.

vacuuming sucks

btalbert25's picture

I've tried and tried and tried, but just dont' get soccer.  Maybe it's a game you have to see live to enjoy or something, but on TV, I just can't appreciate it.  Quite honestly, putting it on TV puts me to sleep.  For what it's worth I HATE hockey on TV, but love going to games, so maybe it would be the same.  I probalby won't spend the money to figure it out though as going to a soccer game live would require a 2 hour drive to see a pro team. 

RBuck's picture

I feel the same way. What really turned me off about the sport was when the Crew's first coach said that seeing the football lines on the field in the Shoe made him sick to his stomach.

Long live the southend.

btalbert25's picture

lol, I'm not one of those guys who rants and raves about how soccer is a whimpy sport or is dumb etc, I've had an open mind just don't like it.  Although I will say, I find some soccer fans equally as annoying as those who scream "soccer is for pussies."  Some soccer fans are quite elitist and act as if somehow they are more cultured because they know about futbol or they go to a bar to watch an English Premier game at 9am. 

BuckeyeChief's picture

A. I am a soccer coach; once, I almost went on a tyrannical rant after my team lost to the worst team in the league; then, I remembered my team was 8 yrs old.

B. tickets to an Real Madrid game in 08 where about 250 euros for nosebleed seats. I almost went until I saw the price.

"2014 National with it!!!"

Denny's picture

Going to the bar and drinking pints at 9am = pure culture, brah.


SouthBayBuckeye's picture

Do't' judge me. I do that all season for the 12 EST kickoffs. I "kind of" like being ready for a boozy nap at noon.

Banned from ATO since June 3rd 2PMish PST

NeARBuckeye's picture

They also start riots, stab each other, and toss grenades onto opposing fans buses. Soccer fans in other countries are nuts. They make Penn state fans look like choir boys.

Irricoir's picture

I was at a restaurant and only watched a game because it was the only thing on. (Authentic Mexican Cuisine) You know, I rather enjoyed it. Not over reruns of Ohio State Football, but it did not lack entertainment value. The only thing I found kind of sickening is the adoption of the NFL type post goal celebrations. Aside from that, it wasn't bad at all.

I don't always take names when I kick ass but when I do, they most often belong to a Wolverine.

Bucks's picture

I see the official announcement on tOSU. Please don't tell me there is no video 11w staffers, as I've been back and forth all morning.



Love The Way I Lie

By Jim Tressel, ft. Terrelle Pryor

Just gonna stand there and watch me resign?
That’s alright because I know I will be fine
Just gonna stand there and dot the "I"
That’s alright because you love the way I lie
You love the way I lie

I can’t tell you what it really is
Gene Smith said "keeping it hush-hush was best"
And right now its like a knife in my sweater vest
I can’t breathe, but I’ll fuck Michigan tonight
What’s that? Career record 9 and 1, that’s right
High off of wins, drunk from my hate
Go eleven and one, win the Big Ten, that’s great
We get to a BCS bowl, but Karma, she fuckin’ hates me
We get blown out by some fuckin’ SEC team
And I hate it, wait, where you goin?
I’m leavin you; no you ain’t come back
We’re runnin’ off tackle, here we go again,
So I remain; when its goin good its goin great
I’m a Mercedesl, and Terrelle is a Porsche in the fast lane
But when it’s bad it’s awful, I feel so ashamed
Whose that dude? I don’t even know his name
Joe Bauserman? I’ll never stoop so low again.
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you with em, Oh yeah that’s what it’s like with me and my bro Gene
But I gotta leave, cause of the NCAA; I tried to tell them wait
Gene said "They gonna vacate", I told him "haters gonna hate"
But Gene said "You gonna have to go", this isn’t supposed to be
I said "No Gene, don’t believe ‘em, it wasn’t me"
He didn’t buy it; Now ‘cause of on email about tattoos
I can never coach again in the fuckin’ Horseshoe
He said it’s best to go our separate ways
I guess they don’t know me; cause that was back in April
April is over; and now its May
Sound like broken records playin’ over
But I promise you, I’ll show restraint
Gene said "You don’t get another chance; Life is no Nintendo game"
Now I have to watch him leave out the window
Guess that’s why they call it window pane?
Now I know we said things, did things we didn’t mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But the SEC and Big East, they cheat even more than me
When it comes to recruits, they’re just as shady
Please let me back; it wasn’t you, it was me
Maybe me coaching isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love OSU to much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault; look me in the eyeball
Next time I get an email, I will it reply all
Next time, there won’t be a next time
I apologize even though I know its lies
I’m tired of the games, I just want to come back
I know I’m a liar, but if you give me one more chance
I’ll go to Ann Arbor and set the Big House on fire.

Just gonna stand there and watch me resign?
That’s alright because I know I will be fine
Just gonna stand there and dot the "I"
That’s alright because you love the way I lie
You love the way I lie

biggy84's picture

You ass clowns have way too much time on your hands. You spent that much time to show you hate OSU? Your hate still won't make the opposite sex think you any smarter, better looking or your team any less shitty. Maybe your lil' buddies at edsbs and you need to have local laws repealed enabling you guys to resume your love affair with farm animals. Then, maybe, you will have less idle time.

NeARBuckeye's picture

Uhh I'm assuming the guy who posted that is an OSU fan... Also it's kinda of funny. Chill out.

JozyMozy's picture

RE: last time tOSU lost to UM: I was in the break room, working at the mall (Express Men, don't judge), watching the end of the game on the little TV we had handy for meetings and such (r.i.p. rabbit ears). Still remember the fuzzy image of McMullen tossing the pick to seal it, followed by me flipping the TV off in disgust and heading back out to finish my shift in a terrible mood. Even though the Bucks were in line for another National Title Game berth going in, I had a shitty feeling about the game all week long. bigtime throwback to how the Cooper years felt. 

Kalamazoo Steve's picture

I was at that game. On my way out some folks asked me "what happpened?" with smirks at the ready. I tald them congrats, you just beat the national champions. Crickets and tumbleweed followed. Not one more word. They suck.