Yesterday I learned that Texas special teams coach Jeff Banks left his wife for a stripper named Pole Assassin who has an emotional support monkey that bit a likely-trespassing child on Halloween.
That sentence is factual and not a mad lib.
Happy Tuesday!
Word of the Day: Indubitable.
SIMPLE AS IT GETS. The first College Football Playoff rankings of the season come out tonight, and as much as you're all going to want to talk about them and analyze them, I'm here to tell you that from Ohio State's perspective, they are profoundly uninteresting.
Because the Buckeyes' situation is simple: win out, and you're in. Lose, and you're probably not. FiveThirtyEight's playoff predictor agrees.
(I included 11 teams instead of a more traditional top-10 for no reason. No reason at all.)
Of course, there's plenty of time to get all worked up about matchups and seeding and all of that, but that is not a problem for today.
That said, I'm gonna have the rankings posted on this website as soon as they come out and y'all are going to make sure there are 100+ comments within the first hour alone. That's just how it is.
CAN'T BE STOPPED. There are pretty much just two bad things a running back can do when he's running with the ball – fumble or lose yardage.
The good news is, TreVeyon Henderson doesn't have a single fumble on the season, and he almost never loses yardage, either.
97% of TreVeyon Henderson's runs have gone for positive yardage
— PFF College (@PFF_College) November 1, 2021
Highest rate in College Footballpic.twitter.com/OLcpRTfcqz
(Please pause and appreciate that beautifully subtle move he put on No. 16.)
I'd venture to guess that about half of that lost yardage on the season came this week, which makes that number all the more impressive.
Also, to be clear, this stat is at least 90% about the offensive line. But TreVeyon knows.
Shoutout to my guys up front!! https://t.co/qwwzwvqNmF
— TreVeyon Henderson (@TreVeyonH4) November 1, 2021
BIG TEN OFFICIATING IS A BIG PROBLEM. Normally, I'd rather fist a garbage disposal than listen to a Michigan Man bitch about officiating, but today I am sharing this in solidarity because Rich Eisen is absolutely correct here – Big Ten officiating is ass.
We all saw what went down in East Lansing, Mich. on Saturday.@richeisen saw it, too.
— Rich Eisen Show (@RichEisenShow) November 1, 2021
Here's what he had to say on the matter:#MICHvsMSU pic.twitter.com/PQhIZZgiRA
"It's coming for you."
He's totally right. This isn't an isolated thing or just a few random issues, and it's certainly not just affecting one team. There are terrible, egregious missed calls, blown calls, late calls, no calls and phantom calls every single week at a rate I have never seen before in my entire fandom
Just last week, Illinois almost got screwed out of a massive upset because of some late-game bullshit from the stripes. This week, Michigan couldn't catch a break on any close call, and got the typical see-no-holding treatment in the trenches.
And Eisen said it's coming for Ohio State next, but if you watched Saturday night's game, it already did – the Buckeyes just won anyway.
And another. I dont want to look like a homer, but these holds are blatant. pic.twitter.com/m25RPyOTma
— Bill Rabinowitz (@brdispatch) November 1, 2021
Should have been holding and first-and-20. Obvious penalty uncalled. pic.twitter.com/mWSYIepyqZ
— Bill Rabinowitz (@brdispatch) November 1, 2021
Pretty blatant hold on Steele Chambers that went uncalled. pic.twitter.com/XEhTeOAe8b
— Bill Rabinowitz (@brdispatch) November 1, 2021
Holding on 86? pic.twitter.com/wZTFhELu3O
— Bill Rabinowitz (@brdispatch) November 1, 2021
I want to be clear – I hate complaining about officials, so I almost never do. It always comes across as cheap and an easy excuse for your team not playing well. In fact, I'm usually the first to openly mock those who do regularly complain about officials.
But the thing is, if you want something to change, you've got to call it out. And what we're seeing across the Big Ten this season is so far from acceptable, so I think it's important to acknowledge this garbage when you see it, whether it's your team, your opponent, or just a random Big Ten game.
And it's okay to accept that other teams get screwed by the refs, too. We don't have to make it a contest about who gets screwed more, or pull out the "what about this call against my team!"
Hot take: All bad calls are bad. Let's get this fixed.
CRAFT FOR ZAMBONI. To celebrate the (preseason) return of Buckeye basketball, I share with you an unrealized dream from our favorite rosy-cheeked assassin – riding a Zamboni.
Aaron Craft asked me for one thing in 4 years - to get him on a zamboni - and I didn't make it happen. Last night's @OhioStateHoops video opened up a whole can of worms in my texts. Who wants to let @ACraft4 drive a zamboni? @BlueJacketsNHL @OhioStateMHKY pic.twitter.com/dqv5Lzm0fO
— Alissa Clendenen (@AlissaC) October 29, 2021
There were impermissible benefit concerns with it back in the day, but with 10-year anniversary of the Final Four, let's gooo.
— Alissa Clendenen (@AlissaC) October 29, 2021
This would be an excellent way to celebrate the 10-year anniversary of Ohio State making the Final Four, but personally, I'd rather celebrate by making the Final Four again.
How about we just put him on a damn Zamboni regardless?
SONG OF THE DAY. "The Passenger" by Iggy Pop.
NOT STICKING TO SPORTS. A stranger looked like my twin and that was just the beginning... How the pandemic made us more adventurous drinkers... Whe your mother is a ghost hunter... After brutal injuries and misfortune, a world-renowned pianist uses bionic gloves to play his instrument... A drug kingpin is shot dead in a New York City driveby... A man opens his haunted mansion up to the public for free and everything goes wrong from there...
