Credit the Browns. I steeled my constitution throughout a decade of dipshittery and foolishly thought it made my mental health bulletproof.
After not drafting a North Carolina quarterback with 13 career starts No. 1 overall, I thought my delinquent teenage son turned a corner. Turns out I was the naive parent praising their child for brushing their teeth after years of lying, stealing, manipulation, and flashing my meager wealth as his own on deviant #teen social media.
I mentally prepared for the Browns taking Jabrill Peppers at No. 12. I prepared for the Browns passing on Malik Hooker at No. 12.
I had not prepared for the Browns trading down from 12, with Hooker available, to select Peppers. It's as if my enemies brainstormed the most painful scenario to inflict upon me.
The biggest Michigan troll on the internet runs the front office of my preferred NFL team in what must be a classified CIA psychological warfare operation that has been ongoing for at least the last 90 days:
Jabrill Peppers is the best safety in the draft. I don't want to hear about Adams or Hooker, they can't do what JP5 does.— Shawn L. Martin (@ShawnLMartin) April 27, 2017
Tweeting jibberish after the Browns drafted 28-year-old Brandon Weeden with a first round pick should've been my career low-point.
Instead it will be waking up this morning, scrolling through my mentions, and realizing Wolverine fans performed wellness checks on me and treated my myopic Twitter feed as performance art. (I can't hate, though. If the local team hadn't won since 2011, I'd probably scrap for dopamine on a neurotic blogger's social media feed in April too.)
But don't worry, Browns fans! Here's how Harbaugh scouts him. Please note the 20th century frame through which all Michigan Men view 21st century life:
@marion_ohio Harbaugh compared him to Jim Thorpe and Willie Mays.— Shawn L. Martin (@ShawnLMartin) April 28, 2017
Hey, Jim? The cross of Jim Thorpe and Willie Mayes would be broken into splinters if he stepped onto an NFL field in 2017. Neither of them even knew how to operate a flip phone.
Here's my take, which is the only good one: I'll watch Steelers at Browns in Week 1. If the Browns lose, as they have every opener since 2002, I'm not watching another game until 2018. What is there to like about the team? It's a sideshow operated by a patsy of the cabal.
The worst part is the leadership claims to be educated by Harvard, Yale, etc. If that's true, my mediocre son's gene pool won't be the only reason he never steps foot on an Ivy League campus.
If Peppers turns into a Rookie of the Year candidate, wake me with the Browns 10-2 and on the doorstep of the AFC playoffs. Otherwise, I don't care anymore. I'm too old and these lawn weeds never rest.
Don't give your money to these carnies. It's offensive to what the Browns used to be. I hope this team moves to the bottom of Lake Erie.
Drafted last night:
- Marshon Lattimore 11th overall to the New Orleans Saints.
- Malik Hooker 15th overall to the Indianapolis Colts.
- Gareon Conley 24th overall to the Oakland Raiders.
- Ohio State ties Miami (FL) 2002 with three DBs selected in the first round.
- Mark May reportedly axed by ESPN.
- Darius Bazley on decommitment from Ohio State: "They didn't even make the NIT."
- Ohio State will play TCU in JerryWorld in 2018 and other scheduling notes.
- Fisher students: Check out the 11W marketing internship.
- Help put a life-size statue of Woody Hayes in his hometown of Newcomerstown, Ohio.
Word of the Day: Boondoggle.
CONLEY LATEST. Gareon Conley stands accused of raping a woman in downtown Cleveland on April 9. Cleveland police have yet to charge him with a crime.
While off-field allegations sank past prospects, there was a late uptick in Conley's stock.
Just heard from a team: Gareon Conley goes first round.— Matt Miller (@nfldraftscout) April 27, 2017
This was after his lawyer said Conley will submit DNA and a statement to Cleveland police on Monday.
CLEVELAND, Ohio -- Former Ohio State cornerback and NFL prospect Gareon Conley will submit his DNA and be interviewed by Cleveland police Monday in connection with a sexual assault investigation, his attorney said.
Kevin Spellacy said Conley agreed to meet with sex crimes detectives on Monday, following the NFL Draft, which runs today through Saturday.
Experts expected Conley, a Massillon Washington graduate, to be picked in the first round of the draft before the sexual assault accusations surfaced earlier this week.
Despite pre-draft reports to the contrary, Adam Schefter of ESPN reported after the draft Conley passed a polygraph with a team drafting in the first round. The Raiders feel they did their homework:
McKenzie said we did our due diligence and trust our research on Mr. Conley.— Vic Tafur (@VicTafur) April 28, 2017
Del Rio said Conley is a football junkie and a really good kid.— Vic Tafur (@VicTafur) April 28, 2017
Asked Reggie if he was told charges wont be pressed against Conley. I dont want to get into it but we feel really good about this pick.— Vic Tafur (@VicTafur) April 28, 2017
A lot of folks have takes that start with "Obviously let's wait 'til the facts come out" before declaring somebody should be put in a cage forever if the facts shake out in lie with their world views.
I've never met Gareon Conley. I wasn't there that night. I do know there are professionals on the case. It's better to shut up and wait until until law enforcement reaches a final decision than drop a hot take and get exposed as a moron later on.
Please, no questions about how I know that last sentence to be true. My team drafted Jabrill Peppers. Have you no shame?
LET'S GO CURTIS. Pat Elflein, Curtis Samuel, Raekwon McMillan and Noah Brown are the biggest Buckeye names left on the board. MY BEST AVAILABLE? The guy who is looking to put some place called Brooklyn on the map:
Best of luck to Samuel putting his hometown on the map. As someone who's advocated on Marion's behalf for decades... it ain't an path to blaze.
MAKES YOU THINK. Ohio State shuffled the scheduling deck yesterday. Gone is the home-and-home with Texas Christian in 2018 and 2019. It's replaced with a neutral site game at JerryWorld (which I hate because Jerry Jones is an egregiously horny elfand neutral site games strike against the spirit of college football).
2019's opening four weeks look like this: Florida Atlantic, Cincinnati, at Indiana, and Miami (Ohio).
Perhaps they're planning on Cincinnati earning a P5 promotion. Or this, from BCSN and Spectrum Sports reporter Mark Kunz:
Here's my conspiracy hot take on today's OSU scheduling newz:— Mark Kunz (@MarkAKunz) April 27, 2017
It's all about making 2019 OOC as easy as possible for a new coach.
Meyer's son, Nate, graduates from Bishop Watterson this fall. I've always said Meyer coaching after 2017 would be house money. He's always been smart enough to leave when they love you rather than stay til it sours (like every OSU coach since Woody).
I'm not saying it's happening. Just that it makes you think, for sure.
THOSE WMDs. Unofficial pickup rules from NBA players, media, and Mark Cuban... The race to build the world's first sex robot... Stephen A. Smith's meaty lasagna recipe... How to suck at being a media critic... How did a copy of the Declaration of Independence get to South England?