Top Ten Reasons to Hate Michigan

By Jake Anderson on November 23, 2018 at 7:25 pm
Jim Harbaugh watches in anguish as Ohio State drives down the field.

Here's to cheering the Buckeyes to victory!

10. Detroit

While Ohio empathizes with its fellow Rust Belt state, there is no denying that Detroit has become one of the worst cities in the United States.

A decrepit job market, poor housing, high crime, and makes Detroit difficult to enjoy. No one really wants to live in Detroit, even sports teams; the Pistons played outside of the city limits for almost 40 years. Hopefully, the city can get back on its feet but until then, Ohioans should hate on the Motor City.

9. The Geographical History

Now, a little history lesson.

For much of America’s early history, the State of Ohio and the territory of Michigan both considered the “Toledo Strip” to be a part of their respective boundaries. Michigan applied for statehood in 1835 and requested the Toledo Strip to become a part of the new state. Ohio, which was already a state at the time and had claimed the area, disputed this and sent a militia to Toledo. Michigan responded and did the same.

At this time, the two militias looked at each other and fired some shots into the air. The federal government got involved and gave Toledo to Ohio. The federal government then gifted the Upper Penisula to Michigan as compensation.

All good right? No; Michigan falsely claimed a city to be in its territory and was awarded a chunk of land that was over 16,000 square miles. I wish I could be gifted with something as profitable for lying. 

8. Charles Woodson

An Ohio native, Charles Woodson still lives in Buckeyes fans’ nightmares. He is the only defensive player to win the Heisman trophy and did so at Ohio State’s expense, beating his home state three times over his college career.

Woodson is hated not because he is an annoying player or bad person but rather because he was just really good. He recorded seven interceptions in his Heisman season (which is as many as Malik Hooker in 2016, by the way) and led the Wolverines to a Big Ten Championship in 1997. 

Woodson was the second Heisman-winner from Michigan in the 1990s, joining Desmond Howard (coming soon).

7. Shea Patterson

The Mississippi transfer, Shea Patterson now quarterbacks the Wolverines. He acts mostly as a game manager and makes the throws his team needs. He was once touted as one of the best quarterbacks in the SEC and, despite Harbaugh’s “quarterback whisperer” reputation, has failed to show anything that makes him

But for Patterson, it is weird how he was somehow able to transfer from Ole Miss right before serious sanctions were put on the university. New rules passed this year allowed him to avoid sitting for a season after enrolling at Michigan despite Mississippi’s objection.

All of the above sounds like a perfect storm of rule changes and signatures that allowed Shea Patterson to take full advantage of the system while leaving his old team out to dry.

6. Desmond Howard

Every time I see that video of Desmond Howard striking The Pose, I puke a little in my mouth.

Howard, another Ohio native, was able to beat the Buckeyes three times in his college career. It's bad enough to leave Ohio as a top recruit, but it is even worse to leave the state for Michigan. Howard deserves his Ohio nativeness immediately revoked.

Now, he parades around the United States as a part of College Gameday pushing his anti-Ohio State points in every conversation. Michigan’s alumni feel the need to justify every subpar game with a million excuses, and Desmond Howard is no exception. I cannot wait to hear his prediction for The Game on my campus.

5. Chase Winovich

The best pass-rusher on Michigan’s stacked defense, Chase Winovich is the heart and soul of this Wolverines team. He takes shots against opponents that have been better than Michigan his whole life.

Beyond that, Winovich is just a hateable guy. 

4. Jabrill Peppers

I could write a dissertation on this man.

Jabrill Peppers was an athletic freak but was insanely overrated. He was advertised as a Heisman candidate for much of the 2016 season despite his mediocre season. Sportscenter posted his “highlights” weekly and talked about his great “versatility” as if that made him a good football player.

As a safety/hybrid at Michigan, Peppers recorded just one interception in his final season. He was awarded Big Ten Defensive Player of the Year for his mediocre efforts, beating out the greatest Ohio State safety of all time in the process.

Peppers is one of the most overhyped athletes I have ever seen. He is still underperforming as a part of the #Browns and has more fumbles than forced turnovers. Oh, and let’s not forget this:

3. Michigan’s Superiority Complex

The summation of it all.

People that point to Ohio State fans as arrogant and annoying have obviously never met someone from Michigan. The Wolverines could have a roster full of Devin Gardners coached by Brady Hoke and still think they have a chance against Ohio State.

Oh wait, they did think that.

Anytime Michigan is somewhat competitive, its fans become unbearable. No player can do any wrong, every injury is the unfair, and every call that goes against them is because the other team paid the referees. The current top four in CFP rankings could also double as a list of the worst four fan bases in college football.

Continuing, Michigan feels the need to tell Ohio State how much better they are in any possible way. The Buckeyes could win The Game on Saturday and people will be in Eleven Warrior’s comments talking about last basketball season or academics or the worst of them all: the overall record.  

2. Jim Harbaugh

This one is most easily expressed in a list:

  • That time he made a music video.
  • That time he called chicken a “nervous bird” (What does that even mean?).
  • That time he said he drinks milk with everything, including steak. 
  • The headset incident.
Jim Harbaugh fixes his headset
  • The time he showed the world how "short" J.T. Barrett was on fourth down.
Harbaugh "J.T was short" gif
  • The time he slept over at recruit’s house. 
  • That time he gave the pope some Jordans (I actually respect this one). 
  • Khakis.

Get the idea? There is no way that any Buckeye fan can like this man. He is a clown and embarassment 90% of the time. 

1. Michigan is Stuck in the Past

Sure, Michigan may have claim eleven national championships, but the program has not won one since 1997. Before that, Michigan’s last national championship came in 1947 when teams were finally transitioning out of leather helmets.

Wolverine fans love to discuss their schools’ 58-49-6 record against the Buckeyes but fail to mention that 12 of those wins came before the start of World War One. In the past century, Ohio State holds the superior record between the two programs. In the past 20 years, it is not close.

Michigan is infatuated with the past because deep down, they know the Wolverines cannot compete with Ohio State in the present.

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