10 Reasons to Hate USC

By Jimmy Longo on December 28, 2017 at 7:25 pm
Sam Darnold

Buckeye football is back for one last hoorah. Get ready for a throwdown in the heart of Texas with 10 reasons to hate USC.

10. Sam Darnold

Listen, I'd love for the Browns and Sam Darnold to be a success story. I sincerely would. 

But hate Sam Darnold for the forthcoming seasons of losing records and mediocrity. We must sacrifice him as the quarterback that gets the team back to Derek Anderson-level. He must be mediocre. He must win the franchise games to put carcasses in seats and keep ticket prices above $3 on Stubhub and gets the guy with the quarterback jersey to burn the thing for once and for all.

He must be the lovable ginger that the Browns need for some exciting moments, bad losses, good throws but overall disappointment, a stepping stone to the path bringing the Browns winning teams.

Hate him because precedent tells me he isn't the guy. Or maybe he's the guy. I don't know, we'll see.  

9. The Spirit of Troy

Hate USC for their paltry marching band getting any recognition in the same time zone as that of TBDBITL.

Sure, the Spirit of Troy is the only collegiate band to have two platinum records. Congratulations on providing background noise on a couple Fleetwood Mac albums. The albums didn't go double-platinum for the wailing off key clarinet in the back, but because Stevie Nicks is a saint and allowed you to share the same mix of sounds with her once in a lifetime talent, peasants.

If Ohio were on the West Coast and California were in Ohio, TBDITL would have broken apart from the university and be classical sensations by now, let's be honest. 

8. the original deflategate

Forget the greatest quarterback of all time (Tom Brady) and the Deflategate scandal involving the New England Patriots, the real lack of air should be pointed at the Trojans.

As cold temperatures generally cause things to lose air, warm air does not. Which makes it very apparent that when USC was fined in November 2012 after they were using deflated footballs in the first half of their loss at home to Oregon, they were actually deliberately deflating them. The Lane Kiffin-led Trojans played that game in the Coliseum. Which is in Los Angeles. Which is warm 365 days a year.

Deflategate + Trojans = cheaters.

7. Jerry Heller

Remember the manager of N.W.A, the guy who manipulated a tandem of young African-American men, ripped off Ice Cube, Dr. Dre, MC Ren and DJ Yella off the basis of never signing contracts and then got bitter when the group broke up?

This human-thumb looking guy named Jerry Heller did that. After becoming prominent in the business because of the likes of Elton John, Marvin Gaye and Pink Floyd, he lined his own pockets, manipulated his 1980s breadwinners and milked them for all he could in the long run.

Where did Jerry learn this music agency business? He graduated from USC.

6. Traveler

Hate USC for the literal high horse that the team rides onto the field before every game. A figurative trojan warrior upon a horse signifying a team that represents an army of sorts I guess.

The horse is white and named Traveler and has been a tradition of leading the Trojans into their Saturday afternoon battles since 1961.

Coincidentally the start of Traveler's gallop onto the field of play coincides with the century mark of the Civil War starting, where the Confederate Army was lead from 1862-on by one Robert E. Lee. You might have heard of him.

His horses name, all white and leading and eerily similar to USC's? Traveller. An extra L with which the Buckeyes will add to Traveler IX Friday night.  


5. Reggie Bush

Yes, Reggie Bush balled. He was amazing on the football field. Whether or not he's still officially recognized for it, the man won a Heisman Trophy.

But he also received nearly $300,000 in improper benefits from former gangbanger and drug trafficker Lloyd Lake. He took a limousine ride to the 2005 Heisman ceremony on Lake's dollar. He cost his team the last two wins of their National Championship season in 2004, and all of their wins in the 2005 season.

Bush then got the injury bug, flamed out in the pros, and most recently, offered millions of dollars to a Miami nightclub waitress for aborting the child she was carrying that Bush was the father of.

Solid guy.

4. O.J. Simpson

Now that "Juice" is loose after being granted parole off weapons and robbery charges, kidnapping and murder.

Oops. Let's try that again with what he's actually been convicted of.

Now that "Juice" is loose after being granted parole off weapons and robbery charges and kidnapping, USC's most famous athlete is back prowling the streets just in time for the revamp of the ole Ford Bronco.

Hate USC for obvious reasons. For O.J. and for murder and for the judicial system etc.

And for O.J. losing to Ohio State in the 1969 Rose Bowl on his home turf. That too.

3. Matt Barkley

The last time these two teams tilted against one another was in a frankly awfully dreadful game at Ohio Stadium in September 2009 in a matchup that seemed heavily in Ohio State's favor retrospectively. 

But alas, 19-year-old Matt Barkley parked his mediocrity in a C spot out in front Ohio Stadium, walked in, and delivered Ohio State an 18-15 gut-wrenching loss in the Horseshoe.

"We're Trojans. That's what we do," Barkley said after the game in 2009.

"Doesn't matter where we are in the score. We found a way. I love this."

Terrelle Pryor in that game?

A wonderful 11 of 25 passing for 177 yards, an interception in the first quarter returned to the doorstep of the Buckeye end zone and a quarterback rating of 7.5.

2. The university of spoiled children (USC)

Friday night the Buckeyes get to take on the Spartans of Southern Cal. It'll be a battle of superior athletes and kids who have made their collegiate dreams true, working for the athletic scholarship they've coveted since they could walk. 

One school — Ohio State — will represent the poisonous nuts of hard-working fans that thrive on both Natural Light and Columbus craft beer delicacies and fire off the best and the worst of takes win or lose. The other — the Trojans — represent what is known as the University of Spoiled Children.

Polo shirts and visors and sunglasses and dartying and wrecking their BMWs into guard rails on the freeway, that is what USC is made up of. And $50,000+ tuition — that too.

1. West coast football stadiums

Personally I think that USC should not be able to compete in the Rose Bowl unless they're playing in a College Football Playoff game (so, never), but I personally hate the Trojans for the confounding stupidity that comes with USC getting to play bowl games in what's essentially a home stadium.

For instance, USC has played in 53 bowl games heading into Friday's hoedown throwdown in the Cotton Bowl. Roughly 64 percent of those games have been played in the Rose Bowl, where the Trojans have appeared 34 times and won 25 times.

So if you're strolling around Dallas Friday morning and Troy Trojan is chirping you about who has more bowl wins, the series record, yada yada yada — feel free to bury him with the factoid that 25 of his school's 35 bowl wins came in his glorified backyard. 

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