Can you imagine what watching sporting events was like before Twitter? How did people even live that way? Sitting around on a moldy couch in a dank basement, located in some hellhole in the bowels of flyover country, cracking jokes about "Where's the beef?" with no one around to hear but the occasional mouse or millipede. No .gifs. No Vines. No poorly formatted image macros. No easily amused internet audience to boost your ego and give you an inflated sense of self worth.
Thank god we live in more enlightened times, where our crappy photoshops and pithy jokes about the Simpsons will never go unappreciated ever again (this week I've combined the two into one, so, you know, you're welcome).
I will say this: nothing gets me more excited for football than other people getting excited for football, and in this respect Twitter brings it. Sports, more than anything outside of a debate over proper toilet paper placement, reveals our raging id for all to see, and in our moments of hyperbolic rage or joy we can stumble on some pretty sublime moments of truth.
So that's what I want to bring to you guys this week. Frozen moments in time where at once we were all both a little stupider and little more brilliant. Also Purdue updates.
IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! #GoBucks— Elika Sadeghi (@steakNstiffarms) August 30, 2014
Yeah it is! I've been sick for a few days, so obviously the logical move to settle my butterflies about this game was to run a couple of miles before it started. Pro tip: don't do this.
The Brigade. What a site. pic.twitter.com/FSF2xp9q9z— BEAU BISHOP (@BeauBishop) August 30, 2014
The beginning of the game was particularly patriotic, and everything between the two teams was pitch-perfect before the thing actually got going. Lame McHale's Navy jokes aside, these are young men who are literally living their lives for their country, and it's really hard to be cynical about that level of commitment. Unless you're a jerk, I guess. By the way, how's Purdue doing?
Purdue's already made no cheering in press box request after the place erupted during Boilermaker TD.— Kyle Rowland (@KyleRowland) August 30, 2014
Time for a little hindsight catharsis. I was pretty annoyed for most of the game. Stats aren't super relevant against a triple option team that are pretty much masters of infuriating opponents with whatever voodoo blood magik that they brought forth on this plane of existence through multiple goat sacrifices (hence the mascot), but it still angried up the blood to see tiny little Midshipmen gauging Ohio State on the ground over and over.
I don't think that was a TD, but I also think Shadrach from Paul's Boutique should be played in stadiums instead of God Bless America, so...— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) August 30, 2014
For instance, I completely agree with Ramzy here. Paul's Boutique is criminally underrated by non-fans, and should probably be up there with Thriller in terms of classic albums of the 80s. If you haven't listened to it, well, you're dumb, but here's a chance to redeem yourself. Also I'm not sure that Navy's first TD should've counted, but it really doesn't matter because it was part of a 75 yard drive that was methodical in a way that Ohio State wasn't. And it made me mad. Other things made me mad, too.
Welp,— Lazy-Assed Swami (@319E17th) August 30, 2014
welp— Johnny (@Johnny11W) August 30, 2014
Welp. Promising drive picked off at the Navy five.— Eleven Warriors (@11W) August 30, 2014
WELP INDEED! How's Purdue doing?
Jim Tressel, I mean Darrell Hazell, electing to punt from the 33-yard line.— Kyle Rowland (@KyleRowland) August 30, 2014
One of the most miserable games that I ever attended in person was the Akron game in 2007. That was the one where it started out incredibly humid and gross, rained, and then got even hotter and humid and gross. Ohio State went into halftime of that one up 3-2, and for a brief moment a soggy Johnny Ginter was angry at Jim Tressel for subjecting me to this skidmark of a football game on the tighty-whiteys that is the sporting world.
I imagine that's how Earle Bruce and Nick Jervey felt going into halftime down 6-7.
Like Goku beating Superman, a senseless fight. RT @Year2: A global force for good is beating Ohio State right now.— Nicholas Jervey (@Nick11W) August 30, 2014
I can confirm that my man Coach Bruce is ready to fight someone. Anyone really.— BEAU BISHOP (@BeauBishop) August 30, 2014
Of note is that Goku would never fight Superman, they'd combine their strength to defeat an alliance of Cell, Frieza, and Metallo. And Earle Bruce is 83 and still very spry. Also spry is Darron Lee, and his mom.
Kennan Reynolds, meet Joey Bosa (and Darron Lee). http://t.co/rtx8b4PfvT— Eleven Warriors (@11W) August 30, 2014
@CBSSportsNet #43 for ohio state..his name is Darron (darren, like the Darren in bewitched) tell Verne they r messing with my sons name— candice (@candicenbc4) August 30, 2014
GET IT RIGHT, HE JUST PUT US UP 13-7! HOW'S PURDUE DOING??
Purdue's 37 points are most in Hazell era, and we still have more than a quarter left. They'll be partyin' in West Lafayette tonight!— Kyle Rowland (@KyleRowland) August 30, 2014
As Purdue goes, so goes Ohio State. The rest of the game seemed like it was played more or less downhill, especially after Barrett's huge bomb to Devin Smith to put Ohio State up for good.
My personal prediction for this game was 28-20, and I feel that though the game was frustrating at times, it's important to keep in mind that Navy was never going to be a pushover, and that Ohio State was breaking in an enormous amount of players with little to no college football experience. I would've liked to see the defense look better than they did, at least in terms of yards allowed, but it was naive at best to believe that Chris Ash is a literal magician that can transform bad personnel into really good personnel without better personnel behind them.
And beyond football, there are more important things to consider.
Navy, thank you for a good game. Now go defend our freedom.— Michael Citro (@11W_Michael) August 30, 2014
Wait, how did that Purdue game turn out?
Final: Purdue 43, WMU 34. Mostert and Hunt combine for 224 rushing yards, two TDs. Etling 19-38, 181 yards, two TDs passing, one rushing.— Kyle Rowland (@KyleRowland) August 30, 2014
Oh, thank you sweet Jesus.
Ultimately Ohio State played a mediocre game against a decent team, but given that said decent team has an offense based on witchcraft and sorcery, and throw in the fact that the Buckeyes are a particularly young team (in seemingly every position group where youth and inexperience is deadly to a team), I'll take the result.
The more athletic team won, our pet's heads will stay firmly attached to their bodies, J.T. Barrett can continue to improve without dumbass quarterback controversy whispers, and Navy can get back to protecting our season from pirates and that one submarine that you can't hear unless Russians are singing in it.
THINGS WE LEARNED
- The triple option is the worst
- Darron Lee's mom watched a lot of Bewitched as a kid
- J.T. Barrett is going to be just fine
- Earle Bruce can't stop, won't stop
- RIDDLE ME THIS MY BROTHA CAN YOU HANDLE IT/ YOUR STYLE TO MY STYLE YOU CAN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO IT