Badger Envy: An Insultingly Easy Five-Point Plan to Make Ohio State More Like Wisconsin

By Nicholas Jervey on April 5, 2015 at 7:20 am
Jae'Sean Tate
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Every now and then in sports comes a team esteemed above all others: an unbeatable juggernaut, too talented to lose. Occasionally there is an underdog that says nuts to that and ruins the coronation.

Last night, Kentucky was the the 38-0 juggernaut and Wisconsin was the spoilsport. The Badgers shot 48 percent from the field in a 71-64 win, advancing to the championship game to take on Duke.

Wisconsin's big win has led to some divided loyalties in Buckeye Nation. Ohio State fans have a love-hate relationship with the Big Ten, where many will take pride in the conference's collective achievements but deride other schools. There might be some grudging respect for Wisconsin, but more common is this refrain: why can't that be Ohio State?

Buckeye players were watching last night's game with interest as well. D'Angelo Russell expressed disinterest now that Kentucky is out, and Jae'Sean Tate is more interested in getting to the championship game himself. This latter point is worth expounding: how can Ohio State get back to the promised land?

Fortunately for fans everywhere, I've uncovered Bo Ryan's secret plan for how to make a team elite. Now I will uncover it, in the hopes that it helps Buckeye basketball.


Step One: Have the National Player of the Year

This is a big one. Having the best player in the country is a really good decision, and Frank Kaminsky is that player for the Badgers. Have you seen him play? He is great in a lot of different aspects of basketball.

Ohio State had a top-notch player this past year, D'Angelo Russell. He was a First-Team All-American, which is really good! But I can't shake this feeling that Thad Matta asked Russell to only be a really good player instead of the best. As the round of 32 loss to Arizona showed, that may have been a mistake.

Step Two: Tell Your Other Players to Play Well

A common faux pas of coaches is not telling their players to play really, really well. "Go out there and, I dunno, miss a few shots and let the other team grab some rebounds," coaches all too frequently tell their teams.

Bo Ryan knows better. Instead, he lets his players know that he would like them to make every shot if possible, and grab every rebound. The results speak for themselves.

Step Three: Make Players Taller

By this I don't just mean recruit taller players; any old person can do that! Instead, inform players that they will be play better if they are taller, and let their subconscious take care of the rest.

Just look at Wisconsin's size: its three frontcourt players are Nigel Hayes, Sam Dekker and Kaminsky, and they run 6-foot-8, 6-foot-9 and 7-feet tall. Not only that, but all three have grown an inch or two since they came to Wisconsin.

Jae'Sean Tate was a fine power forward as a freshman, but at 6-foot-4 it is sometimes hard to play against taller players. If he grows any taller next year, you will know Matta has been paying attention to this game plan.

Step Four: Let Other Teams Know You'd Like For Them To Play Poorly

If you've followed Steps 1-3, your team will be tall, talented and ready to play well. But if the other team is all three of those things, your team still might not win! Fortunately, there's an easy remedy: remind your opponent that you would like to win and they can help by missing shots and taking dumb fouls and generally playing poorly. Odds are, they'll be too polite to decline.

Ohio State tried this against Arizona, with moderate success. The Wildcats played poorly in the first half, and the Buckeyes had a real chance at pulling the upset. In the second half, though, the Wildcats played much better. I can only conclude Matta forgot to remind Arizona coach Sean Miller to have his team play poorly.

Step Five: Be Lucky

Bad calls and unlikely injuries are all too common in sports. If one of them happens to your team at a bad time, your team could lose. Wisconsin got some favorable whistles against Kentucky at opportune times; good plan!

My suggestion on how to avoid bad luck: resolve to be lucky. Alternatively, you can ask the officials to give your team favorable calls. I feel very strongly about this.


So there it is, an easy five-step plan for how to be as good as Wisconsin. These steps may strike some as banal or obvious, but are they any more so than the usual platitudes about recruiting better, or developing players better, or choosing a game plan that's likely to work?

Of course Ohio State wants to be better. Every basketball team in the country wants to be better. Right now, the Buckeyes are a 20-some win program – quelle horreur! – that wants to be a Final Four program. So does everyone else.

This year, Wisconsin has an elite team. Spouting cliches on how to improve the Buckeyes won't actually make the Buckeyes better, and envying Wisconsin doesn't help either.

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