Hey, guys. Apologies for the smaller than usual edition this week, but I'm drowning in work right now with over a hundred students all turning in major papers right now. Hopefully you'll get a chuckle out of this, though. Go Buckeyes!

P.S. I didn't intend this to be a food themed edition, it just came out that way.

USDA UPDATES MASS FAMINE CONTINGENCY PLAN

The US Department of Agriculture updated its contingency plans in the (admittedly unlikely) event of a catastrophic nationwide famine, and the new plan has interesting implications for SEC football. Experts at the Department of Agriculture identified 5th year Arkansas Razorbacks head coach Bret “Bert” Bielema as an “ideal source of protein and fat for a large amount of people,” and estimated that by cannibalizing Bielema, as many as 40 million Americans might survive for about 4 weeks. These same experts allege that the flavor of Bret Bielema may be similar to that of processed pork or Spam.

When asked for comment, a visibly shaken Coach Bielema asked if the Arkansas boosters had anything to do with this, and if “this would all go away if [he] beat Alabama.”

PARRIS CAMPBELL PROMISES TO STOP EATING BUTTER & GREASE SANDWICHES BEFORE GAMES

Acknowledging his unfortunate proclivity for dropping important passes, Ohio State wide receiver Parris Campbell attributed the problem to his favorite pre-game ritual: consumption of something called a “butter & grease sandwich” (see recipe below). The speedster has shown incredible ability in what’s been in many ways a breakout season for him, able to turn on the jets in catch-and-run plays as well as burn up dozens of yards before opposing teams can react on kickoff returns. However he has dropped as many as three hundred passes based on our analytics and has cost the Ohio State Buckeyes over six million points. Campbell promised to stop eating the sandwiches, but admitted it will be difficult.

“My grandma used to make me butter and grease sandwiches,” Campbell said in an interview. “I guess they just make me feel at home no matter where I am. I know they make my hands slippery as all hell, but it’s hard to give up a tradition like that.”

Below is a recipe for Campbell’s Butter & Grease Sandwich:

1 loaf Italian bread

2 sticks butter

½ lbs center cut bacon

2 tbsp duck fat

Begin by frying bacon in pan until crispy. Throw out bacon and reserve grease. Add duck fat to bacon grease (heat off, simply allow the greases to emulsify together in the latent heat of the pan). Preheat oven to 350 degrees. While oven is heating, cut open loaf of bread and cut up butter sticks into one-inch chunks. Scatter inside the interior of the loaf. Using a pastry brush, baste the exterior of the loaf in bacon-duck grease mixture. When the oven is ready, place the loaf inside and cook until the exterior of the bread becomes a crispy amber-golden color and the butter inside the loaf is bubbling.