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Ohio State Fake News Roundup 8/17

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MiamiBuckeye's picture
August 17, 2017 at 12:49pm

Hey, hey, hey. I'm back from Europe and ready to continue the fake news roundup. Enjoy!

DUMBASS BELIEVES OHIO STATE PLAYS BETTER WHEN HE WEARS SWEATER

In Canton, Ohio lives a dumbass by the name of Oscar Bovington who has proudly interjected into a very slow preseason news cycle his idiotic and unscientific belief that when he wears a “lucky” Ohio State football sweater that the Ohio State Buckeyes play better. This mouthbreathing, knuckle-dragging, snake-handling fire worshipper who probably believes wolfmen are real and pirates are fictional points to a number of cherry-picked instances where he wore his sweater and Ohio State triumphed on the gridiron against such daunting foes as Rutgers and Kent State.

When asked to explain his stupid, stupid reasoning, Bovington had this to say: “Granted, I also wore the sweater during that shutout loss to Clemson, but there are always outliers to every natural thing, aren’t there?”

We at the editorial board would like to declare now that we don’t believe this uncultured simpleton understands what the words “outliers” “natural” or “Clemson” actually mean.

LOOKING AHEAD TO UNLV—AN ABRIDGED HISTORY OF LAS VEGAS

This season the Ohio State Buckeyes will host the UNLV Rebels for the first time in program history in what is certain to be a fun day of football for Ohio State fans and a long, silent car or plane trip back home for Rebels fans. In the interest of understanding the local team’s opponents, we think it best to take a brief look at the fascinating history of Las Vegas, Nevada, the so-called “Sin City” (not to be confused with Cincinnati, the “Cin City”).  

Las Vegas in its earliest form was founded in the late Cretaceous period when two alamosauruses died atop one another in what was either a dispute over a particularly leafy tree or angry sauropod sex that predated the invention of safewords by about 65 million years. On the site where their fossils were interred many millions of years later a tribe of early Amerindian settlers decided to dig a pit in the ground to serve as a depot of sorts to store their most important rocks. We’re not sure exactly when or how, but at some point a casino grew out of the barren desert soil, and after being pollinated by a number of Brooklyn and Chicago based Mafiosi, this casino sprouted seeds which then turned into a number of other neon-lit temples of lust, greed, bad decisions, and occasionally performances by singers who can claim some flimsy connection to Frank Sinatra.

Some facts about Las Vegas:

-What happens there does not in fact stay there.

-Building a city in the middle of the desert is #17 on the United Nation’s List of Terrible Ideas.

-The UNLV Rebels have always secretly considered the Ohio State Buckeyes their greatest rivals even though they’ve never played them.

KIRK FERENTZ PREPARED TO USE BLOOD MAGIC AGAINST OHIO STATE

In a presser yesterday, Iowa football head coach Kirk “Action Bastard” Ferentz revealed that for his Iowa Hawkeye’s home game against the Ohio State Buckeyes on November 4th, he is prepared to use the full range of his warlock powers, up to and including forbidden blood magic.

Holding up a vial of blood supposedly sourced from the veins of former Florida quarterback Tim Tebow, Ferentz proclaimed that he had “Heisman-blood,” a particularly potent tool in crafting curses and other thaumaturgic spells that’s not quite as good as King’s blood but quite a bit more efficacious than the office worker’s blood used by most run of the mill blood magic practitioners.

When asked what defense he had to prepare against such peril, Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer merely shrugged and suggested that they might try throwing more to the tight-end, and added that if Jim Harbaugh’s Wolverines couldn’t defeat his Buckeyes while channeling the power of Satan, then a few magically exploded hearts wouldn’t stop the Buckeye train from rolling to victory either.

 

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